When Syllables Collide (My Interview with 'How to Shop for a Husband' Author Janice Lieberman)

The week has been a blur. I've been nervously working toward a goal.

And then this morning, I interviewed Janice Lieberman of The Today Show, who just published How to Shop for a Husband: A Consumer Guide to Getting a Great Buy on a Guy. It's one of the most hopeful and helpful books I've read on the subject. Seriously.

The interview should run on Single Women Rule tomorrow or Monday (forgive me for being inarticulate in our discussion; enthusiasm for Janice's book combined with a lack of sleep resulted in a collision of syllables).

If you're the first one to comment on the podcast (on Single Women Rule), you'll win a free copy of How to Shop for a Husband. If you'd rather not wait, you can snatch one up at your local independent bookstore (that's how I like to do it -- keep that small merchant in business!).

Or you can just order it from Amazon.

Does Marriage Have to Spell the End of Love and Romance

Not if you ask Ronnie Ann Ryan, who recently spent her ninth wedding anniversary in an unconventional manner. While many couples like to celebrate anniversaries in restaurants, Ronnie wasn't into it this time. Her husband went along with her alternate plan, which left her mightily appreciative.

After the anniversary, she blogged:

I never look back at all the dating I did with regret. Some of it was fun, some of it was devastating, some of it was tolerable. And just once - I hit the jackpot."

If you're in Connecticut on May 28th (that's next Thursday), Ronnie is scheduled to discuss flirting, one of her all-time favorite subjects, in Milford. She says, "Flirting is good for your health. Single or married, leveraging feminine charm energizes you, makes you feel alive and desirable and increases your everyday joy."

MEET RONNIE:

Thursday, May 28th, from 7-8:30 pm

MakeupMakeup Studio
22 Broad Street, Milford on the green
(Behind Dunkin Donuts)

RSVP - 203-783-9096
The event is free but limited to 20.

Attracting the Best in Life

Yesterday, I had the good fortune to interview Loren Slocum, author of Life Tuneups: Your Personal Plan to Find Balance, Discover Your Passion, and Step into Greatness, for a Single Women Rule podcast.

I enjoyed talking to Loren because we agree that feeling good about yourself, being true to yourself, and developing female friendships are keys to attracting the best things in life (which would include good men and fulfilling work).

I also liked her book because it contains quick, effective exercises that help you make little shifts that can really add up. And you're not going to bend yourself into knots doing them.

Loren’s currently a Life Mastery and Unleash the Power Within facilitator for the Anthony Robbins Companies, as well as the founder of Lobella International, a community devoted to helping women recharge and rediscover themselves. (Loren also mentors disadvantaged children and is active in Raising Malawi.)

You can listen to the podcast now or download it onto your iPod by clicking here.

Be the first one to leave a comment on it on Single Women Rule and get a free copy of Loren's book!

More About Dating and Cell Phones

Hi, Terry:


I enjoy your column and have gained a lot of insight from it.

I went out on a fix-up date with a man two years ago. We were at a nice restaurant, and HIS cell phone went off 2 or 3 times and he left the table to answer it (at least he left the table)....He came back to the table to tell me it was a "friend" of his who was going through a rough time. I felt it was rude and unnecessary on a first date (I sensed it was the lady he had broken up with), but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.... some friends of mine dismissed it as "Oh, he was just trying to impress you....don't make a big thing of it"..... he ended up dumping me after a few more dates anyway, so I do think it's a telling sign that someone is just not "present."

BTW.... a few nights later, I was watching a sitcom and a guy was in a restaurant and gave the exact same spiel to his date about the "friend" going through a rough time. I wouldn't dream of even having my cell phone "on" for a first date unless I had children or a sick relative. I deserve better, even if it takes a lifetime to get it.

-Can Do Better

Hello, Can Do-

Thanks for writing and for the kind words.

You're right. You do deserve better, and I'm so glad you realize it. Your friends were wrong to tell you the jerk -- er -- I mean, guy was just trying to impress you and not to make a big deal of it. As if isn't completely icky that someone would use such a pathetic technique to get you to like him.

Cell phones and dates just don't mix. When the guy dumped you, he did you a favor. He has zero manners and is probably also a liar.

Good for you.

-Terry

Romance Thrives on Mystery and Anticipation

Every day of the week, a new device comes on the market that promises to simplify life for us. For the most part, they're great. But they could also be killing your chances for love.

First, the obvious:

Men still complain that too many women whip out a device on a first date and monitor it all night long for calls and text messages.

A woman (or man, for that matter) who wants a second date shouldn't be checking a device, unless she has children, in which case she can tell the guy, "I've instructed my children (or babysitter) to contact me only in case of emergency. Otherwise, I promise not to let this thing distract me."

Second, the less obvious:

Too many women are mistaking a series of text messages for a relationship. A relationship is eye-to-eye. LOL and laughing out loud are two very different experiences.

Which would you prefer?

Laughing out loud in the presence of a funny, smart, cute man who thrills you? Or tapping out a string of characters to the same guy and finishing it off with "LOL?"

Two different experiences, indeed.

Women are texting too much. Too much texting = no mystery. How are you going to get a guy to think about you, dream about you, wonder where you are and what you're doing if you you're telling him all day long?

Remember, no mystery = no romance. If you want a guy to take you for granted, text your heart out.

Otherwise, limit texting for critical communication (you're running late, for example). Give him a reason to want to see you. If he tries to engage you in a lengthy text conversation, text back, "Sorry. Busy. Meet up sometime?"

You've put the ball in his court. You've let him know you have a life, but you're interested enough to meet him face-to-face. That way, you can gauge his interest, instead of having to wonder if he wants to be your boyfriend or just another text buddy.

Are Men Really From Mars? (Or Just This Guy?)

Terry,

Men ARE from Mars!

In a nutshell..I am on one of those social utility sites (Mybook..lol)..have many friends from overseas and long distance in general...a lot are guys that I have never met, but enjoy the occasional email with. So, BOY, was I surprised to receive a very long email from one of them recently outlining why he couldn't be in a relationship with me (I would have thought that was obvious. The other side of the planet being a little too inconvenient) and going into great detail about his new love..and how he doesn't want to hurt my feelings...you get the idea.

This has given me the feeling that MEN certainly look at things differently from ME.

I showed no romantic interest in this guy at all. Just friendly emails..the same as I have written to my female friends who happen to live overseas.

What's this about Terry? Can you shed any light on this guy's behaviour?

Sian


Hey, Sian-

This has very little to do with you, and everything to do with him.

He mistook garden variety friendliness for romantic interest. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. A guy (or girl) is socially inept, and they misread signs. Or, a guy (or girl) thinks they're 'all that,' and they misread the signs.

And it doesn't take much for them to do it, either.

Here's an example: Some years ago, I ran into a female acquaintance who'd lost a considerable amount of weight. Instead of shouting something insensitive like, "WOW! YOU USED TO BE SO FAT. WHAT HAPPENED?," I remarked, "You look absolutely fabulous." And I smiled at the girl.

(You see, I used to struggle with my weight, too, and suffered the occasional moron who'd run up to me in a public place and bellow, "YOU USED TO BE TREMENDOUS! LOOK AT YOU! WHAT HAPPENED?" So I was thrilled for this individual.)

A few weeks later, a friend said to me, "Terry, there's a rumor going around that someone is gay, who is definitely not gay."

"Really? Who?" I asked.

"You'll never guess. It's so ridiculous."

"Tell me."

"Apparently, Lisa Jones (the girl who'd lost weight) is telling people you came on to her at the Harp & Mandolin a couple of weeks ago."

Of course I was angry, Sian, not because she'd called me gay but because she was presumptuous enough to assume that if I were gay I would be attracted to her.

For a long time, I stopped complimenting people for fear they'd 'take it the wrong way,' but this isn't fair. People want to be noticed, and they should be. We crave love and attention the way plants lean toward the sun.

So, don't worry about this guy and his overkill letter about his new love, and how he nobly and gallantly let you down easily. It was never about you, anyway.

Her Son Doesn't Want Her to Date

Hi Terry,

I met a man on an online dating service. He emailed me to tell me that he is interested in speaking to me. He immediately gave me his number. I called him and we talked. He called me on Monday. We had a date set up for Thursday, and my son who is grown man sabotaged the whole date by calling him on the phone telling him not to call on this number.

The guy called me back and told me that he cannot make it Thursday and will call me next week. My son does not want me to date because he doesn't trust my judgement. My previous boyfriend was dysfunctional. I read your column and have learned a lot from your advice. What can I do about the above situation with my son?

Not Thrilled

Hello, Not Thrilled-

You're an adult, so you should be able to make your own decisions. However, you mention that your former boyfriend was "dysfunctional," and since this could mean any number of things, I don't know whether your son is controlling, or if he's truly justified in wanting to protect you.

You say your son doesn't trust your judgement. Have you tried asking him what it'll take to change that? If he's right about the ex-boyfriend (notice I said if), do you see now how you might have accepted unacceptable situations and behaviors? Are you willing not to accept such treatment again in the future?

Most of us have experienced dating a person who didn't treat us well, but it's critical to not to make a habit of falling for such people. In other words, heed the signs and get the hell out of there.

Let me ask you a question: Why do you want to date in the first place? What is your goal? Are you looking for that "friendship that has caught fire," as Ann Landers (I think it was she, although it may have been her sister, Dear Abby) used to say?

Or are you looking for a man to make you feel worthwhile?

If it's the friendship-on-fire, good for you. Date people who treat you with love, kindness, and respect. If it's the man to make you feel worthwhile, please know that nobody is ever going to make you feel worthwhile but you. Self-worth comes from you. Interestingly, when women feel good about themselves, they attract good men.

Now, it's entirely possible that your son is out of line. If he has a history of controlling behavior, it's time for you to set boundaries. He shouldn't be screening your calls.

If you choose to see this new man, please remember to meet him in a public place. Take your own transportation. Get to know him (keep your eyes and ears open) before you let him into your car, home, and life.

I hope this helps.

She Attracts Married Men

Hi Terry,

Why is it I attract all the wrong men all the time? Why do I keep
attracting married men, who I don't want?

And all the single men aren't keepers....

Regards,
Magnet for the Married Man

Dear Magnet-

Sometimes we attract the wrong men because we're subconsciously afraid of attracting the right one. Attracting the right one offers the possibility of a committed relationship, and that scares the daylights out of a lot of us.

It used to scare the daylights out of me.

This may or may not apply to you, but more than one married man has told me that he suddenly became irresistible to single women once he started wearing a wedding ring. Married men can be perceived as mature, grounded, responsible, sexy, and -- oh, yeah -- off limits. And being off limits presents a compelling challenge for a lot of women. The fact that she will probably never trip over his underwear on on a daily basis appeals to her on subconscious level.

You mention that single men are not keepers. Okay, definitely many single men are not keepers. But single men with the attractive qualities of their married counterparts exist.

Which begs the question: How come you're not meeting them?

It's possible you are meeting them, but you're not attracted to them because, on some level, you don't want a relationship. It really helps to take out a pen right this minute and write the word 'MARRIAGE' on top of a piece of paper. Then, without censoring yourself, write down every single word or phrase that comes to mind.

You may be surprised what you find out. Some women find themselves with a list that looks like this:

-security
-smothering
-yelling
-cooking
-love
-happiness
-children
-loss of identity
-cheating
-divorce

And so on.

As you can see, some of the impressions are positive, and some of them are decidedly negative. But, once you find out what you fear about committed relationships, you can face those fears and turn them around. For instance, would you have to lose your identity if you got married? Can you think of examples of women who didn't? Is infidelity a factor in every marriage, or is that an idea you picked up from a tabloid headline while waiting to check out at the supermarket (I'm not making fun of you; media messages are insidious and powerful).

Once you face your fears, it's very possible you'll find yourself attracting -- and just as important --being attracted to available men.

Good luck.

Get Back With Your Ex: A Guy's Approach


Today I'm letting John Garett, author of John's Dating Tips Blog, do the heavy lifting. Here's an approach he recommends to men who want to reunite with their exes.

Why should you, Female Reader, care? Because John points out a critical element in getting an ex back: Maintaining dignity. It's not about playing hard-to-get; it's about remembering human nature. Every one of us, male or female, wants to date (or marry) an individual who demonstrates self-esteem. We all want a prize.

At the end of the piece, John recommends setting up a meeting, and this is where we part company (not wild about some of the photos he uses to illustrate his posts, either). Guy breaks up with me? I'm not making an appointment to see him.

But if he made an appointment to see me? If I missed him, John's right. I'd go.

Guys: 3 Simple Steps How to Get Back Together With Your Ex

I'm going to give you three easy and simple steps how you can get back together with your ex. The best thing is you can use this right away. However, this is just the "quick and dirty" method that should work for the majority of breakups.

But if your situation is a little more tense and has more variables in it... then you need to try the more advanced techniques.

But to keep things simple... I'm going to stick with these three simple and easy steps that you can implement today.

OK?

Alright. First of all, breaking up really, really sucks. And it can hurt... a lot... and you are probably missing her in a bad way.

Some of you may actually fall into a depressed state and feel like your world is just about to fall apart.

And those feeling may cause you to make rash decissions such as calling your ex and begging her to come back to you. As you will find out, this is a very bad idea!

I can't begin to emphasize how much calling, emailing, and texting your ex-girlfriend is going to turn her off... on you.

SO DON'T DO IT... NO MATTER HOW DESPERATE YOU ARE!!

And the key word here is desperate. That is what she will see if you are doing this. Desperate and needy...

And the only thing going through her mind is... "Eww!" And she can't get away from you fast enough.

So grow some stones and remember you are a man... act like one.

But does that mean you can't get her back? Absolutely not! There are techniques that you can do to put the ball on your court and massively increase the chances of getting back together with her...

So without any futher explainations here is the 3 simple steps you can do right now to get back together with your ex.

1) Accept the fact that you broke up.

It happened. And it happened for a reason. But the key thing here is to let her know that you are OK with the break up and understand that you both need to "move on." It does seem a little counter-intuitive but what this does is calms the waters of the break up. She can sit back and think about the relationship without any pressure from you. And doing so, hopefully she will realize that she still loves you and guess what? She will find a way to get back together with you.

2) Leave your communication devices alone.

Don't call her. Don't email her. And don't text her. Do what Yosemite Sam always suggests, "Just back off!" This is the thinking time for her. Let her mind do all the work for you. Pressuring her is just going to push her further away from you.

So stop contacting her. Give her some time to miss being with you again.

3) Plan now for the get together.

Of course you aren't going to be sitting on your hands during this time. Start planning on the get together. And by get together, I mean where you both should meet and what you will say to her when you do meet. This get together will give you an opportunity to gauge if she still loves you and if there is any chance of getting back together.

To sum it up, be cool about the break up. Give her time to think about you. And plan for the get together.

Now here is another bonus tip for you... never, ever lose your cool and don't argue with her either.


If you're looking for more ideas to improve your love life, check out John's blog for dating books review, dating tips, and random thoughts.

John's Dating Tips Blog

Adventures in Dating a Pathological Liar

Dear Terry:

A friend of mine suggested I write to you about my bizarre experience. I like your techniques for visualizing a healthy, positive relationship with a wonderful partner. I was in a serious relationship for three years. I ended that relationship three months ago. I acknowledge that my ex had major issues and was a codependent. He did not communicate in a forthright manner and I had trouble trusting him. I can accept that he was not ready for commitment. But I am still trying to figure out reality. I need help with this other mess so I can put the final nails in the coffin. (I am seeking therapy, taking dance classes, went on vacation with old friends, etc. to refocus on myself).

I worked in the same office as my ex for three years. He said that his Catholic family would have a hard time dealing with me because I am not a Catholic. Due to his rigid boundaries, I never saw the inside of his apartment. I met his family when he moved back home but was introduced as his co-worker. We were very private and slow in revealing that we were together because he had supervised me at one point and did not want accusations of favoritism. A year into the relationship I went to grad school in another state and we became long-distance. That's when I found out through friends he was engaged to our former boss. I always knew my ex was good friends with this woman, although I did not get along with her. He withheld information from me until I confronted him. He admitted to being engaged but said it was only for immigration purposes because he was under threat of deportation. Because we all worked for an immigrant rights organization, I believed his story. He said I had expectations of marriage and that's why it was easier to be publicly engaged to a friend. I had never observed any flirtatious behavior between them. A year later I found out through friends that she was telling people she was married to my ex, there was no immigration case, and that I was a stalker. But my relationship with him was always consensual. I told him point-blank that I would not be romantic with him if he were married. At the time of the engagement, my friends and I had made some calls to him, his family, the supposed wife, his workplace, and the supposed wife's family to figure out whether the gossip was true. I never harassed them. I was simply on a fact-finding mission. I wanted our relationship to work. He told me his maybe wife had poor mental health, had started believing that she was married, and was in denial that I was his girlfriend. I thought by him talking to her she would put to rest these rumors. But close to our third anniversary, friends mentioned that the woman still acted like they were married, living together, with no immigration hearing. I searched state marriage records and no evidence was found to indicate they were legally married. I tried talking to her but she never returned my calls/emails. I tried calling his lawyer and the courthouse and no records were found on his deportation hearing. Given his close working relationship and long history with her, what am I supposed to believe?

Was he an evil man who played two women against each other? Or is his story true, that he is dysfunctional in his personal life and being silent comes easier to him than humiliating his boss/good friend? He was gentle, nice, charming, and cordial to all my friends/family so I fell for it. Where was his wife when we were all over our home computers carrying on conversations? Did his sister who befriended me know he was married? Either way he was disloyal, deceptive, and selfish.

Was I attracted to a manipulative sociopath/compulsive liar? Or was he simply a passive coward, and the truth is stranger than fiction?

With your experience, I hope you can help me solve this mystery. I want to avoid repeating the same mistakes. Your response will help me move on.

Thanks for listening.

Gotta Know the Deal Here


Dear Gotta Know-

First off, congratulations on getting therapy and taking steps to move on with your life.

You pretty much summed it up when you wrote, "Either way he was disloyal, deceptive, and selfish."

He was, and that's all that matters, really. Whether he and the former boss were ever married is irrelevant. The guy has shown himself to be disloyal, deceptive, and selfish, and you deserve much better than that.

Just so you know: You're not alone. I've known other (two just off the top of my head) women who were conned by seemingly charming men who came up with some ridiculous fairy tale with regard to some other woman in their lives. And guess what? In the end, both of these women ended up being confronted by the other woman (or, really, the wife or the true girlfriend) who called them -- guess what?-- stalkers.

This seems to be a technique of pathological men: Pit two women against each other and sit back and enjoy the show (to be fair, I've known women who love to get men to fight over them, too). It's narcissistic, pathetic behavior.

The good news is, you know what you don't want: A guy who's disloyal, deceptive, and selfish. So now you know what you do want: A guy who's loyal, honest, loving, and generous.

To stop yourself from 'making the same mistakes,' write an affirmation around what you do want:

"I am happily married to a loyal, honest, loving, generous, fun man."

What would that look like, feel like, smell like, taste like, and sound like? Bring it to life in your imagination (at least) twice daily. Over time, the details will start to fill themselves in.

(This sounds simplistic, but it really does work.)

Definitely keep seeing your therapist. Keep the focus on enjoying life. Keep bringing this new and fresh relationship you desire to mind, filling in details as you go, letting your subconscious mind accept it as fact. (Also, by honing in on what you do want, as opposed to what you don't want, you ensure you'll recognize it when it shows up).

Napoleon Hill said it best: What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

Good luck. I'm thinking good thoughts for you.

She Keeps Sabotaging Herself in Love and Life

Hi Terry,

What do you do when your whole adult dating life has been this: "I see you only as a friend, a buddy, nothing more? I cannot handle anything more than that. Do you understand?"

This has been the story of my life, every man I ever dated, I was always the friend. The buddy. Nothing more. Now it is happening again. A man I dated for 3 years, suddenly decided, after I sent him an email asking for more than what we have. He said "I am not able to give you any more. I hope you never thought of me as a boyfriend, I never was." I only saw you as a friend, whose company I enjoyed. If you want more, then I suggest we end this now."

Before I sent the email, this man was very romantic with me, very kind. He was moving slowly, but moving in the right direction. With every guy I have ever dated I have played the same game. I can look back on my life and realize that I keep making the same mistake. I am 52 years old, never been in love, never been able to get past the friendship.

Every guy tells me I play too many games. I do not seem to learn from past mistakes. I do the same things with every job I have. Funny, I have been fired from every job I ever had. And forget references, they do not exist.

The man I am dating now wants to talk to me on Friday. I know what the talk is. How do I move on, or repair the damage I have done? And how do I stop sabotaging my life?

-Answer Me

Dear Answer Me:

Your letter breaks my heart.

You're wise to have come to the conclusion that you are the common denominator in your problems. Many people never, ever do that and keep making the same mistakes forever.

To find out why you keep sabotaging yourself, it's important that you contact a (good) licensed therapist, someone who will help you stop the sabotage so you can achieve a healthy, loving relationship and the ability to succeed in a job. With the right help, you can turn things around.

In the meantime, I recommend you read a wonderful book by Louise Hay entitled You Can Heal Your Life. It's helped many people, including me.

I wish you every good thing in the world, and I truly respect you for taking responsibility to change things.

Terry

She's Standing By Her Man

Megan McAllister, the fiancee of Philip Markoff, issued a statement through an attorney yesterday: She's in love with the accused Craigslist killer, and she's sticking with him. In the Today clip below, psychotherapist Robi Ludwig explains why it's natural that she's doing this, even though the evidence against him is piling up.

But Megan McAllister is lucky. She's been spared the agony of being married to an alleged sociopath. Seven years from now, she won't be worrying about police banging on her door while terrified small children dig fingernails into her calves.

Still, the past two weeks must have been so disappointing, scary, sad, and confusing for this woman and her family. The weeks and months ahead of her will be difficult. I'm praying she gets the strength and comfort she deserves, along with the ability to trust her own instincts and enjoy life again.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

There's a lot to glean from a New York Times 'State of the Unions' interview with Andrea Perlbinder and Garth Stein, a married couple whose wedding the reporter, Lois Smith Brady, covered in 1993.

I especially liked the couple's attitudes about marriage:

“For one thing, Ms Stein said, she still believes doubts are the most corrosive thing to a relationship. So they don’t indulge in them. 'If there’s any doubt — the minute you throw the ‘but’ in — you’re throwing in enough energy to make it a struggle,” she said. “There can’t be any ‘buts’ basically.'

Also, there cannot be any lies. 'Be honest, maybe brutally honest,' Mr. Stein said. 'I think honesty is the key to all relationships. If you’re pretending, it’s just the same as with writing: you can see it in two sentences.'

I like the way they work together to solve problems. Two of their children suffered from food allergies, and the couple moved heaven and earth to resolve them. They eventually succeeded, but until then, Mr. Stein said, "“Every time we went to a kids’ party, we had to bake our own cupcakes.”

I really like that "we" and "our" stuff. "We" and "our" stuff goes a long way in building a happy, healthy, and lasting relationship.

Check out the rest of their story here.

Stuff I Won't Do for Money

Every now and then I get an offer from some Internet-based outfit looking to team up with me for a joint-venture. The point of a JV is to help both me and the other party to make money.

Some of the suitors offer products I consider of value (for instance, Kathy Wilson's program which teaches ordinary citizens how they can start businesses of their own on the Internet), but some of them are downright heinous.

Last week, I fielded an offer from a guy who claims he admires this page and asked me to post a link to a site for married people who want to have affairs. If he'd even taken a look at this page, he'd have figured out pretty quickly that promoting infidelity isn't my thing.

And not too long ago, I got a request to do a JV venture with a woman profiting from a program that promised to convince a man's wife or girlfriend to agree to a threesome (featuring a second woman, natch).

Ugh. Get the hell away from me.

On the other hand, if you happen to promote a product that actually contributes to people's happiness and to the betterment of society, and you think we can help each other, feel free to contact me about it.

She's Having Trouble Visualizing a Perfect Relationship

Dear Terry,

I bought your e-book recently and your tips make perfectly sense to me. However I have a question about how to generate that warm and strong FEELING when you think of the man who possesses all of your desired qualities. I came up with a generous, caring, creative, exciting, faithful, loyal, cosmopolitan, emotionally expressive and committed guy)...a long list ...I know :-)

I can say these qualities, write them down ( I did!), but I cannot somehow FEEL them in my stomach and the man who comes along with these qualities. and I realize how important that part is in attracting what you want. I played with different qualities, different words but that didn't change anything..I cannot picture this man or feel him being with me.

After three long relationships ( 2-3 years) which were partly good, painful or just didn't work out I somehow I cannot FEEL anymore that this man exists.

Can you help?

Thank you so much!

Best,
M.

Hello, M.-

When I started visualizing, I found it just as difficult to 'feel' emotion as you do now.

So I can tell you that if you persist in visualizing, the pieces (which feel very mechanical and unnatural right now) will start to fit, the person you envision will begin to flesh out, and you will start believing this relationship is not a product of your imagination but a fact of your life. So please keep it up.

Also, if you can think of specific disappointing incidents between you and former boyfriends, write them down, and then ask yourself what emotion you felt at the time (boredom, sadness, anger?), and then ask yourself, "How could this situation be changed so that in a future relationship I feel joy?"

In other words, if you once found yourself eating cold french fries under fluorescent light in a fast food restaurant, noting the size of your then-boyfriend's pores, wondering if that particular relationship was as good as it would ever get for you, ask yourself: What would have made that situation joyful instead (a restaurant with better food and lighting, and, oh, maybe a waiter; conversation with a much-different guy in which you found yourself excited and laughing?)

What, for instance, would you and this emotionally expressive guy you're now envisioning do together? Where do you go? What do you talk about? What do you see, hear, feel, smell, and taste? (He's cosmopolitan; you meet him after work. What's he wearing? Where are you going? If it's drinks and dinner, where do you go for drinks and dinner? What's the temperature? What do you eat? And so on....)

All you really need is to create one joyful situation and keep bringing it to mind throughout the day. You've already started the ball rolling by writing the qualities down, so now bring this man and the relationship you desire to live in your imagination. Keep going. Joy and excitement will begin to rise up.

It also helps (a great deal) to listen to music that hits you in the solar plexus when you're doing visualizations (these days it's Coldplay for me; once upon a time it was Simple Minds and Kate Bush).

I hope this helps.

Terry

Away From My Desk...

I'm in Manhattan visiting my sister and trying to keep an eye on her very active 4-year-old, so I won't post today.

At home, my Internet connection should be restored Friday morning (keeping my fingers crossed). Hope to post again then.

Sex and the Fledgling Relationship

Hi Terry!

I subscribe to your mails and was wondering what you thought of this blog post by a girl whose sense of love, life and everything I love and follow. She is a very popular blogger based out of NYC and New Zealand, and one of her recent blog posts talks about sleeping with a guy on the first date.

Especially when it comes to things like the law of attraction and my belief in it and things like what conception do you have of yourself, I feel what she says makes a lot of sense too. What do you think? I'll be interested to know.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Take care,
Keep My Name Out of It

Dear Keep-

Thanks so much for letting me know about this blogger and her take on sleeping with a guy on the first date. She's very funny, and she brings up an excellent point (that I should also have made in my recent email and didn't):

It's sexist and misguided to hold off on sex purely so that some guy will love or 'respect' you for it.

My feeling is that a man who would sleep with you but disrespect you for sleeping with him is a hypocrite and should be discarded immediately.

The important thing is that a woman not sleep with a guy because a) he's pushing it, or b) she thinks he expects it, or c) she thinks it will keep his interest.

She must be true to herself.

Now, I'm a bit of a germophobe, so I would be reluctant to sleep with a guy on the first date because I haven't had enough time to assess how frequently he showers, whether or not he washes his hands after he goes to the bathroom, if his hard drive is cluttered with questionable porn, or if he has any diseases.

See, I was at the OB/GYN not too long ago, and a sales rep floated in with a wheelie cart filled to the tippy-top of an 'as-seen-on-TV' herpes medication. When I got in to see my doctor, I asked her, "Are there really so many people afflicted with herpes that sales reps are passing out that number of samples?"

Her response?

"One out of five people have active lesions. Another percentage carry the virus and don't know it."

From a Law of Attraction standpoint, visualize and 'feel' yourself in your perfect relationship. Don't worry about sex. When that perfect relationship shows up, my hunch is your subconscious (which you're programming to work in your best interests) will show you the way to go.

I hope this helps, and thank you for helping me to further clarify my feelings on this matter.

Why He Didn't Call You Back

Just back from a day with my aunt, so check out this eye-opening Today segment with Dating Coach Rachel Greenwald, author of Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1,000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date:

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Twelve Springtime Tips for Meeting Men

Spring can be a brilliant time to meet new men. People are clicking off the remote and getting out of the house again. Here are 12 tips for meeting a guy who'll make you happy you clicked off yours:

1. Write a list of the qualities you don't want in a man (for good material, think about your old boyfriends).

2. Turn it around and write the qualities you do want.

3. Read this list three times a day. Visualize yourself with such a person. Bring up the emotions you'd feel being with him.

4. Go where men go. Become a regular face there. Sign up for sailing lessons or fishing trips. Show up at readings at your local bookstore. Spend Sunday afternoons enjoying a cocktail at an outdoor restaurant. Find something you like to do and do it. Become a regular. Much more important, become a friend.

(NOTE: This does not mean you should pretend to love fishing if you hate it; it means you should do things that you like to do -- or would like to try --that men tend to like to do.)

5. Dress appropriately. For instance, wear sportswear instead of low-cut dresses to sports bars. You'd be shocked how many smart women try to get attention by looking overly sexy, but they strike others as being 'on the make.' As a result, they attract guys on the make. Look pretty, but blend in with the crowd.

6. Avoid singles-only events. They draw creeps like ants to a picnic.

7. Accept invitations to family barbecues, christenings, and weddings. You never know when someone will bring along a new face. (I did tell you the one about the woman who met her future husband at her own sister's dinner table, didn't I? Her brother had brought along a new friend and romance ensued.) Do not allow yourself to be held hostage by smug married people who imply you're defective because you're single, or who yammer on endlessly about their children's achievements.

8. Spend time with old female friends and make new ones (women friends are a good source for making new men friends).

9. Get out of your car. Take mass transit. Walk. Wait on line for a bank teller instead of whizzing into the drive-thru.

10. Smile at people. Most humans (the ones worth getting to know, anyway) will smile back.

(NOTE: This tip doesn't always work in large urban areas like London or New York City, where you could be mistaken for a crazy person. It does work almost everywhere else.)

11. Learn to flirt. This does not mean batting your eyelashes like a big dummy. Women who are successful with men are not necessarily beautiful, but they do know how to talk to them.

12. Take a second job. If you like people and could use extra cash wait tables, preferably in a restaurant that caters to successful people. A friend of mine met her affluent husband this way. Fifteen years later, they have two children and two beautiful homes. (They're also wild about each other.) The musician Phil Lesh didn't end up with one of the thousands of fans he met during his career with the Grateful Dead. He married the waitress who served him breakfast in a coffee shop near his home (lest you fret that his wife still serves him, his autobiography mentions that Phil washes dishes and used to drive his children to school). He has been married for more than 20 years.

The world is full of wonderful men, so please do back away from Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels. Determine the qualities you want in your wonderful man. Bring him to life in your imagination. Then put yourself in places where you're likely to meet him.

"Over 90% of Attraction is Based on How You Feel About Yourself"

So says Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, who'll once again offer her popular Flirt School on April 18th in spectacular Shelton, Connecticut (well, we're hoping Shelton will be spectacular by April 18th. It's been a ridiculously long winter).

I've heard Ronnie speak. Not only does she give excellent tips for getting out and meeting people (and, more importantly, feeling comfortable doing it), she's highly humorous. So, you'll have a good time.

If you can't be in Connecticut on the 18th, check out Ronnie's book, MANifesting Mr. Right, where she tells how she met her Mr. Right after age 40, and how you can meet yours at any age.

If you can be in Connecticut (somebody really should offer me a job with the tourism office), here are the details:

Saturday, April 18th 9am - Noon Shelton, CT
Location information supplied with completed registration.

Early Bird Registration (before April 8th): $35
(Late registration: $45)
Includes Ronnie's book, MANifesting Mr. Right, or any audio program of your choice.

Register online here, or call Ronnie at 203-877-3777.

Get Your Ex Back

We all fall in love sometimes. And sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don't.

Sigh.

And when they don't, our minds tend to go into overdrive trying to figure out how to get the object of our affection to love us back. The Queen of Relationships offers sensible (and humorous) advice.

Read it here.

Raise Your Standards to Stop Attracting Substandard Men

Terry-

My boyfriend is very open with me and loves, as well as respects me. He treats me exceptionally well, and you can see he loves me. We spend a great deal of time together in pretty much one place - the sports bar.

We attend sporting events, and if we can find anything else to do, we will. I live with my parents and don't quite know where he lays his head now that he supposedly moved out of the house he shared with an ex-girlfriend. I decided it was time for me to have my own place to live and began my search. Just when I decided on the right apartment, I lost my job.

So now we are at a point where the need is still present for us to have a home to spend time in (his or mine), and neither of us have that. He knows where I live however, after we leave each other, I don't know where he goes to. I have dealt with it for a very long time, patiently waiting for him to tell me the things I know he hasn't said. I don't always want to be so patient. I don't know what to do.

-Waiting for Answers

Dear Waiting-

A couple of things stick out for me from your message. Here's one:

"I live with my parents and don't quite know where he lays his head now that he supposedly moved out of the house he shared with an ex-girlfriend."

The phrases that trouble me in that sentence are:

"...don't quite know where he" and "...supposedly moved out."

Here's another sentence that bothers me:

"I don't know where he goes to. I have dealt with it for a very long time, patiently waiting for him to tell me the things I know he hasn't said."

Now, I get it that he treats you extemely well when you're in the sports bar. He probably treats you as if you're the only woman on earth. When you're together, you're walking on air. You're absolutely tingling.

But when you're not together, you're walking around with giant question marks in your head:

WHERE DOES HE GO AFTER HE LEAVES ME?
WHERE DOES HE LIVE?
IS HIS EX STILL IN THE PICTURE?

You get scared. Then you get sad. Then you try to line up evidence to make your case that he does, indeed, love you. Then you get happy. And then you remember that you don't know where the hell he goes after he tells you goodnight. Yout get scared again. You can't sleep. You don't know what to do. You can't concentrate at work. You can't take it anymore.

And then you see him again, and everything's beautiful. The birds are singing, the stars are winking just for you.

You are on a roller coaster, and you must get off.

If you don't know where a man lives, you do not have a relationship (or, if you know where he lives, but he refuses to let you in, you do not have a relationship).

Right now, you are meeting a guy in a bar who seems to really, really, really like you. He may say he loves you and appears to be 'open' with you in every other way, but if he does not let you know where he lives, he is not being straight with you.

In other words, his words and actions are one big jumble.

I know you don't want who hear this (who does?), but here' s the good news. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

You deserve a guy who not only lets you know where he lives, he actually invites you there. He never makes you lie awake wondering about why he says one thing and then does another.

Stop torturing yourself. You say you don't know what to do, but I'll tell you what I would do.

I would stop going to that sports bar, and if that man called me to find out why, I'd tell him the truth: "I know where my friends live. I know where my family lives. I don't know where you live. I don't know where you go. I don't know very much about you at all."

Until a man's actions line up with his words, let this be your mantra: "I CAN DO BETTER."

Because you surely can (but only if you believe you can).

Terry

An Effective Way to Find Out If He's Interested

Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, author of Manifesting Mr. Right, says 'dropping the ball' is the best way to find out if a guy's interested. I agree, although for different reasons (she says it comes down to DNA; I think it comes down to human nature. Both men and women like a 'prize' -- something or someone -- they have to work a bit for).

Whatever. It works. Check out Ronnie's advice here.

I Love You, Man

I liked everybody in I Love You, Man, and nearly everything about I Love You, Man. I reviewed it for Single Women Rule here.

If you'd rather stay home and eat your own popcorn this weekend, check out Forgetting Sarah Marshall on DVD. Just keep the kiddies out.

Law of Attraction for Love, Marriage and Children

Dear Terry:

I find your book and your emails very inspiring. I know my Mr. Right is just around a corner, and I will definitely let you know when I meet him.

The list of qualities I would like in my future partner is quite reasonable. When you met your husband, did he have all the qualities you wanted in your future partner?

I also wanted to ask you a question about children. If I still want children (a bit later in life), should I include that in my list, writing and visualisations? Do you have any children yourself?

Look forward to your reply!

Regards,
S.

Dear S.-

My husband has all the qualities I visualized (honest, loyal, loving, reliable, successful, and fun). He's a great guy.

I want to be careful here and tell you that he's not exactly perfect. He sometimes listens to country music (which I loathe) and, for someone who never watched much prime time TV, has suddenly and inexplicably become addicted to the series, NCIS, starring Mark Harmon.

So while he has the qualities I consider non-negotiable, he's imperfect like me and the rest of us.

AS FOR CHILDREN...

Before we got married, I never did visualize them, but that certainly does not mean you can't. Just be sure to put them in a scene where you and your husband are taking care of them as a couple, still devoted to one another (God forbid you should become one of those poor, overwhelmed women you see lining up for TV makeovers).

In my case, I visualized (and experienced internally) the relationship I wanted with a man first. About a year and a half after we married, we talked about having children. At that point, I started visualizing one child (another person might visualize a houseful of children, but I started with just one).

In addition to visualization, I prayed* that our child would be healthy and leave the world better than she found it (although I never specified a sex). She was born about 13 months later. Around the time she turned nine months, I visualized and prayed for another child. Ten months later, at the age of 19 months, she had a sister.

Now, to be fair, I've never been diagnosed with any kind of fertility issue. Certainly many other people are not so lucky. But I did attend a seminar in Manhattan in 2004 where a woman who once had fertility problems claimed she'd become pregnant and brought a healthy baby to term after visualizing and "feeling" a baby in her arms on a regular basis.

I hope this fully answers your question.

I look forward to hearing from you when you meet your Mr. Right, so please do keep me posted. Thanks for writing.

* Prayer backed by faith, rather than begging, pleading, bargaining prayer, which is counterproductive.

And for the Slow People in the Crowd (That Would Be Me)...

If you're a longtime reader, you'll notice that I finally got with the program and added a FOLLOW button along the top right margin of this blog. So, if you're so inclined, please do click that button to get regular updates of Dating Advice (Almost) Daily delivered to your Blogger dashboard.

I'd like to thank fellow blogger Krissy Knox, who very generously (and painstakingly) pointed out the benefits of getting with said program.

If you take a look at her blog, you'll quickly come to the conclusion that she clearly has more important things to do than counsel clueless people like me.

You can also follow Krissy on Twitter.

Are Men Too Lazy in Relationships?

Not the good ones.

But according to a woman who wrote to Manslator Jeff Mac, men are definitely lazy, and she's had enough of it. She starts her query to him like this:

"This isn’t so much a request for a manslation, as much as it is just a few general questions. I’ve been reading your site for a few weeks now, browsing through archives and such (yeah, I really have nothing to do at work!)…and I’m diggin’ the advice you give. Now, obviously, as this is a MANslation website and women are coming to you with their male issues and how to address them, the scope of advice would be how to address a situation so that a male can “understand it” (I’ll refrain from using the term “man” considering that most males never really amount to more than little boys…real “men” are few and far between). "

Most men are nothing more than little boys?

Yikes.

Jeff gently disagrees with this misguided reader and tells her how to ensure that her experiences with men will improve in the future.

Click here to read his full response.

NY Times Reports Teenage Girls Backing Chris After Alleged Assault on Rihanna

And if that isn't sad, I don't know what is.

According to the story by Jan Hoffman,

"Even after they saw a photo of Rihanna’s bloodied, bruised face, which had raced across the Internet, [girls] still defended Mr. Brown. 'She probably made him mad for him to react like that,' the other ninth grader said. 'You know, like, bring it on?'”

Oy.

Time for yet another chat with my tween and teen (oh, I can just see the eyes rolling already).

Read the full story here.

If You're Tired All the Time

Several years ago, I did a radio show to promote How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams with Get Ready For Love Host Viveca Stone-Berry (that's V in the photo). Over a year later, she contacted me again to get my opinion on an ebook she was writing, Fatigue Be Gone.

I said I'd be glad to take a look. I had been tired a lot and recently discovered I suffered from high triglycerides and high LDL cholesterol. I couldn't understand any of this because I'd been careful about what I eat and exercised four to five times a week.

I put Fatigue Be Gone to work. I had another checkup coming up in a few months, and I wondered if Viveca's program would have any effect on my annoying cholesterol levels.

I came away with impressive results. My doctor informed me that my LDL and triglycerides had fallen to acceptable levels. Oh, and I lost five pounds pretty easily (but I didn't need a doctor to tell me that). I stopped feeling wiped out all the time.

Nice to see that Viveca's guide got a good review over at The Succulent Wife the other day.

If you're chronically tired, check it out. And why don't you read Viveca's wonderful love story, too, while you're at it?

His Ex Specializes in Harrassing Phone Calls

Terry,

I've been building a great relationship with a wonderful man over the past 6 months. On two occasions, we've run into his ex-girlfriend. This lady causes drama and chaos each time she sees us. She somehow found my phone number and after seeing us, she calls me repeatedly leaving foul threatening messages on my voicemail.

Neither he nor I know what to do to get her to stop. Can you offer some advice?

-Enough Already

Dear Enough-

This "lady' you describe is no lady at all.

First off, it's completely inappropriate (not to mention psycho and unattractive) for her to make a scene when she runs into you and your boyfriend. Furthermore, calling you repeatedly and leaving threatening messages is harrassment and could land her in serious trouble with the police.

The next time you or your boyfriend talk to her, warn her to knock it off, or you will report her to the police. If she doesn't back off, please do report her and ask an officer for specific advice on how to deal with her if she rears her scary head again.

Terry

I Met Him in a Bar

Hi Terry,

I have read your book and I love your emails. One detail that I have not read about and am very curious about is how you met your husband. How did you meet him? Where, what circumstances? Was it how you visualised it or different?

Look forward to your reply!

Regards,
S.

Hello, S.-

Thanks for the kind words.

I never actually visualized meeting my husband. I did regularly visualize the relationship (for instance, what a day with a person whose qualities I specified might look, smell, taste, feel, and sound like). I visualized dancing with him at our wedding, I also visualized dancing with him on our tenth and twentieth wedding anniversaries.

But I never actually visualized meeting him.

And when I did meet him, I was out with friends in a bar. He was friendly with some of my friends, and I thought he was attractive. He asked me out, and I immediately (no hesitation) said yes. The word just came out of my mouth.

And I instantly regretted it because I thought to myself, "He's cute, but you will have nothing in common with him. You idiot. What have you gotten yourself into?"

Then he asked me, "Great. What night are you free to have dinner?"

And I responded, "Wednesday."

I didn't mean throw him by saying I'd meet him on a weeknight, but I did, and I could see it. He later admitting to thinking I'd say, "Saturday," but I was at a point in my life where I wasn't going to throw a perfectly good weekend away on some guy when I could be out having a good time with my friends.

So, I was doing the techniques I describe regularly, and I was getting out of the house, but I was not going from place to place looking for Mr. Right. I was just out having fun. And what happened was I attracted Mr. Right.

If I hadn't been visualizing, I doubt he would have been attracted to me, and I also doubt that word "yes" would have left my mouth; I would have put him off because I would have screened him out as "cute but not my type."

Interestingly, we did go out for that Wednesday dinner and ended up having so much to talk about that we decided to extend the night and meet up with some friends afterwards. I ended up getting home much too late for a work night!

He asked me out again, and from then on, things went very smoothly. I had never had a relationship that went beyond nine months (and even then, it was extremely rocky) before I started dating him.

We've been together for years now.

In Some Relationships, There's Abuse and Then There's Abuse

Rihanna and Chris Brown are still big news here in the States.

Allegedly, Brown beat Rihanna, and she had to be had to be hospitalized. Now, according to reports, she's taken him back, and they're going to record a duet together.

It's dumbfounding. The girl's on top of the world (huge record sales, makes loads of money advertising products), and she's going to waste time with a guy who hit her?

While Brown's alleged treatment of his girlfriend is clearly abuse, a lot of times, women date men who hurt them in much subtler ways. These guys play head games, manipulate, cheat, tell the girlfriend she's "fat" or "ugly," and that nobody else will want her.

Other men try to separate girlfriends from friends and family in order to gain control over them. Some pester their girlfriends by cellphone, texting and calling constantly (even while they're at work, jeopardizing their jobs!), to keep tabs.

Other subtle forms of abuse: deliberately and repeatedly ogling other women, or comparing the girlfriend to other women in a way that demeans her and makes her feel insecure and unattractive. Still other ways include refusing to compliment her on her achievements, or to even notice them.

If you're in a relationship with a guy who repeatedly and deliberately makes you feel bad about yourself or tries to control you, tread carefully. This person may light you up every once in a while by assuring you how much he "needs" you and "loves" you, but his behavior has nothing to do with love.

Take a step back. Ask yourself, "Would I treat a person I love like this?" And then ask yourself, "Would a guy who genuinely loves a woman treat her like this?"

The correct answer is "no."

Here's the thing: You do not need a boyfriend like this. You will be better off on your own. Forget about not wanting to be single. You will be better off single.

Yes, the pressure to "be in a relationship" can sometimes be overwhelming. But, please know this: The only way you'll ever attract a man who'll love you properly is to love yourself first. And a woman who hangs around with a man who habitually hurts her doesn't love herself. She'd be better learning to love herself, be happily single, and open to meeting a man who will treat her well.

You're too smart to live your life looking over your shoulder.

She Turns Him On, and He Can't Take It

Hi Terry,

My "man issues" are different.

I met this great guy, and the chemistry's great. We started out well, but my problem is, he's cut me out because of the strong sexual attraction between us. He is afraid of giving in to it because of his religious beliefs and values.

He doesn't even want us to be friends, according to him, seeing me alone is a turn-on for him. So what do I do? I really like him and would love to have a relationship with him.

-Would Love

Dear Would Love-

Here's the thing: If you somehow convince him to embark on that relationship you desire, and he gives into the sexual attraction, he will eventually resent you for it.

He'll blame you for separating him from the values his parents and religion instilled in him. He will come to perceive you as some sort of enemy.

No, this isn't fair. He is attracted to you, and you are clearly attracted to him. It seems such a waste not to be able to be able enjoy a relationship that just seems right and natural, doesn't it?

You want him. He wants you. What's the problem?

But, for him, it's a problem. And God didn't put you on this planet to convince anyone that you and he are meant to be, and that everything will be fine in the long run.

Your best bet is to give the guy what he wants. (Yes, I know you don't want to hear this, but hear it.) He doesn't want your friendship. Well, fine. Walk away quietly and keep your head up.

Please remember: You're (obviously) attractive. There will be other men with whom you enjoy tingly chemistry. Let their gain be this other guy's loss.

Attracting Men When It Seems There Are No Men to Attract

Here's an excellent question a reader sent me last week:

"I know sometimes you respond to letters and was wondering if you would at some point talk about dating in a small town. I love your ideas and think that they are essential to dating, but I get a bit pessimistic about my chances of finding "the man of my dreams" in a town of my size. I meet a lot of people and travel, but I see my pool as pretty limited."

Here's my answer:

Definitely stop seeing your pool as limited. I don't care if you live in a town that consists of just you, a horse, and a post office.

We're going to work with the law of attraction here. We are NOT going to be dissuaded by specific population statistics of a particular town.

First step: Forget about the apparent shortage of men. We're going to pretend that the very air you breathe is bursting with men. You're tripping all over them.

Close your eyes.

Everywhere you go, you see men. What's that like? Bring this image to life in your imagination.

See handsome men. Successful men. Honest men. Funny men. They're stepping aside and opening doors for you.

How does that feel?

Next step: Which of these men appeals to you most? Write down a list of his qualities. Is he honest, loyal, loving, reliable, successful, and fun? (Those were qualities from MY list, but please fill in the ones that matter to YOU.) Is he handsome?

Are you attracted to him? What does that feel like?

Is he attracted to you? What does that feel like? (Feel it in your solar plexus.) Look like? (Man, he looks good coming toward you in that pair of jeans.) Smell like?(He's holding you. Smell the soap in his shirt.) Taste like? (His kiss, or a meal you're enjoying together.)

Again, we're working with the law of attraction here. It works.

It's key to bring this man to life in your imagination twice daily. Please don't do it once and mutter a week later, "It didn't work." Keep up your visualizations. They're critical to your success.

After a while, your subconscious will nudge you: Go here. Do this.

In addition to visualization, you might look into Plentyoffish.com, a free online dating service that a couple of people I know have had success with. You can key in your zip code (or a neighboring zip code) and see if anybody interesting comes up.

But I recommend that you use it-- or any other dating service--only after you've been visualizing (in other words, actively attracting) for a while.

Putting yourself in situations where you can meet new men helps,
but it's less important than visualization.

Here's an email I received from another reader last Thursday (March 5th):

"...like the reader you mentioned in [a previous email], because of you I am getting married to a wonderful man who treats me like a queen. Our wedding is in two months. We met shortly after I tried your visualization techniques and I couldn't be happier with the results. Unlike the previous reader though, I want to continue to read your emails because it helps me to pass on this valuable advice to other women. Also, I want to use the techniques for other things like losing weight, buying a house that's just right for us, etc."

This email made my day. Thanks so much to this reader for sharing
her good news!

Come On, Rihanna -- Just Walk Away!

"If a man hits you once, he will hit you again."
-Oprah Winfrey

Oprah's right about this, of course. My husband is right, too. He tells my daughters, "If a man hits you, he doesn't love you. He hates you."

And now Rihanna, a pretty, talented, once-hugely successful pop star, has -- according to reports -- resumed her relationship with the jackass who allegedly bashed her face in.

I'm praying that Rihanna walks away from this guy, that she asks herself where she wants to be five years from now. Maybe she'd like to still be on the top of the charts, making tons of money through endorsement deals, and in a happy relationship with a fun and gentle man who thrills her and doesn't receive lengthy text messages from other women.

It sure beats losing the respect of her fans (not because she was victimized but because she returned to her abuser), losing endorsement deals, and dodging the blows of a so-called boyfriend who thinks he can do anything he damn well pleases.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

The Right Man to Marry

Dear Terry:

Please help! How do I know the right man to marry?

Which one matters most? Is it love, wealth, education, background, or looks? Can one find at least three of these in one man?

-Want the Right One

Dear Want Right-

The qualities that matter most in a man are the ones you want in a man.

My best advice is to know what you want (and you seem to have that covered) and write it down. Sounds like hooey, but it isn't. (Read how it helped Susan Courtad meet the right man here.) Knowing what type of man you want makes you more apt to recognize him when he floats into your airspace. And, believe it or not, it helps you to attract him.

My next best advice is to bring a man who possesses the qualities you want to life in your imagination (not a particular man; you're inventing him in your imagination). In your mind, feel him, see him, hear him, taste him, smell him. How do you spend your time together? For example, what's a Wednesday like?

You should make a point of bringing this guy to life in your imagination twice a day, preferably before you get out of bed in the morning and just before you drop off to sleep at night. You'll notice that, after a while, additional details will start to fill themselves in.

You asked if it's possible for one man to possess wealth, education, background, and looks. Of course it is.

While you set to work attracting this fellow, I suggest you cultivate in yourself the qualities you value in him. So be loving and kind, make the most of whatever money comes your way, learn something new every day, and look your very best.

In other words, be the type of person you want to marry.

Dating for Two Years, She Doesn't Know if She Should Marry Him

Hi Terry,

I would like to talk to someone about my relationship with my boyfriend of two years.

I need to decide if I should marry him or break up. He had some issues, and he admitted his faults to me last week and promised to listen more to me, speak more from the heart instead of meanly, and a couple more things. I have been intimate with him. I was going to wait, but at 39 I guess I got tired of waiting and thought that he was going to be the one. We are bonded because of the intimacy and the time that has been invested.

However, this man has been stolen from by 6 different people, beaten up when younger, sick with Lyme disease and high mercury poisoning. He and I have different poltical beliefs. He says he just doesn't have the energy to care. I understand he is in survival mode because they almost foreclosed on his house. We also have different religous views, but mine have been changing lately.

Should I break up with him and wait for my ideal mate? He is telling me that he loves me and really wants to marry me and have children. I am not sure what to do. He says he never felt such a great chemistry with any woman before. I need someone who has wisdom and cares about me to hear me listen and give me their thoughts on this. What I should do?

-Not Sure

Dear Not Sure-

Okay, you know I can't make this decision for you, but to help you make it, I will highlight a couple of things that popped out for me from your letter:

- he promises to listen to you more and to stop talking meanly
- promises to listen to you more
- he "doesn't have the energy to care," is in survival mode
- you have different political and religious beliefs
- his financial situation is shaky.

So those are the negatives. These, I'm think, are what you believe are good reasons to stay in this relationship:

- You're over 39
- You had sex with the guy.

Neither of which is a big deal. Just because you had sex with the guy doesn't mean you have to marry him. Sure, I understand this marked a big step for you, but it doesn't mean you have to bond yourself for life to a man you are clearly not sure about. His financial situation may be a concern, as well. If you have the children he wants, will he be able to support them, or will you be lying awake at night wondering how you're going to pay the mortgage?

As for your age, remember this: Only the lucky get older. You may live another 60 years, and wouldn't you be better off single and captain of your own ship than married to a guy who doesn't make you happy?

(Oh, and here's a question: What would make you happy? A man who speaks to you with love and respect? A healthy man who meets life's challenges to the best of his ability? A man who makes you laugh?)

I recommend that you take your time with this man. You don't have to decide whether or not to marry him this afternoon. See if he keeps his promises to listen to you and stop talking meanly (tip: people's behavior generally doesn't improve after they marry; it gets worse). See if he moves beyond survival mode. See what steps he takes to change his financial situation.

After all, this is your life we're talking about.

He Loves a Serially-Abused Woman

Terry,

I have been searching for advice online for men who are in relationships with women who have been in abusive relationships. I have been seeing a wonderful woman. She has always been in relationships where the guy has treated her badly, and the last serious relationship she was in was physically abusive.

She says that she cares about me very much and wants to be with me but is not ready to love again and needs to take things slow. It seems that every time we get closer, she then pulls away. I have been trying to give her all of the space she needs, and I know that the right things to do is show her that I will be here no matter what, and that I understand and respect her need for space. Sometimes I feel like it is hard for me to express my needs to her because I am nervous that she will mistake them as demands or expectations.

She is one of the nicest, most caring persons I have ever met. I want her to be able to trust again, and I know it begins when she is able to trust herself. Do you have any advice that may help make it easier to get through the rough patches?

Sincerely,
A Really Supportive Guy

Dear Supportive Guy:

Let me get this out of the way: I used to have a habit of attracting (and being attracted to) emotionally abusive and -- in one case -- physically abusive relationships. I'm not a psychologist or a psychiatrist, so please take the following for what it is: One woman's opinion.

Now, you sound like the type of man many of my readers would love to meet: Loving, kind, supportive, caring, and so on.

But you're involved with a woman who has a history of being in emotionally and physically abusive relationships. She's established a pattern. Obviously, I don't know this woman, but it's possible she's been attracted to people who hurt her.

Sounds crazy, but it's possible.

Does this mean she can't break the pattern? Of course not. I did it, but I was willing to do it. This means I sat myself down and asked myself what the payoff was in putting up with such garbage, and why I even thought I even deserved it.

I immersed myself in books like Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. I learned to treat myself as a treasure yet to be discovered. The more I worked on valuing myself, the less I found myself attracted to abusive people.

And over time I stopped attracting them.

I became attracted to healthy men and happy relationships, and I attracted them. (I've been in one for many years now.)

Here's the thing, though. You can buy your friend the book (You Can Heal Your Life), but you can't make her read it. You can't make her do anything.

In the end, it will be up to her to break the pattern of attracting abusive men. You can do it for her no more than you could lose weight for her or make her stop gambling or drinking (I'm not suggesting she has these issues, but you know what I mean).

But do point her in the right direction ("You're a really wonderful and worthwhile person," you can tell her. "But I can't make you understand that. You need to make yourself understand that, or nothing's ever going to change for you").

And take care of yourself.

Be open to two possibilities: 1) That one day she'll be ready to love you fully, or 2) that she never will.

Right now, this woman is emotionally unavailable. Continue to be a good and supportive friend, but make sure you're taking time for yourself and for your other interests. Go out with your other friends. Please do not let her become your whole world until she's demonstrated that she's willing to make you hers.

A Tough Proposal to Swallow

I'm really, really not into stunt proposals.

You know, where the guy hires a skywriter to spell out "LOLA, WILL YOU MARRY ME?" while you're minding your own business on the beach?

Or where the guy gets the lead singer in the bar you're hanging out in to give him the mic? And then pulls you onstage, gets on one knee, and whips out a ring?

You're so startled you don't know what the hell to do. You start blubbering (out of shock and horror and embarrassment, which everyone else in the place mistakes for relief and boundless joy). The word "yes" pops out of your mouth, which means you'll legally bind yourself to him because you don't want to embarrass the poor guy by saying, "no," or the smart thing, "I'll think about it."

Besides, you'd ruin a Saturday night for an entire roomful of people, and who wants that on her head, right?

The folks on Today reported on a recent stunt proposal that went wrong. Did the victim--er, woman--in question end up saying "yes?"

Of course she did.

Check out the video.

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

He Didn't Call. Now What?

He said he'd call.

He didn't, and right now you're upset. You don't know why he didn't. All you know is, you were looking forward to seeing him again. You liked him. He seemed to like you. Heck, you KNOW he liked you.

So, why didn't he call?

Well, it probably had nothing to do with something you did or said, so stop worrying. If he said he'd call, it was up to him to live up to his word and actually do it. The fact that he didn't says more about him than it does about you.

So what now?

Here's what YOU WON'T do:

-Call him

-Text him

-Email him

-Get a friend to call him

-"Accidentally" bump into him in a club or bar where
you know he's apt to hang out.

Here's what YOU WILL do:

-Tell yourself that a guy who doesn't keep promises might not be
too much of a loss

-Treat yourself really, really well; remind yourself you're a treasure
yet to be discovered.

Here's what YOU MIGHT do:

-Call a good friend and go out for dinner, a movie, coffee, a drink--
something fun. (No crying in your beer.)

-Rent a movie (Broken English is a good romantic drama, Forgetting
Sarah Marshall is hilarious, and The Holiday is good fun, too). Curl up with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn

Tomorrow morning, congratulate yourself for NOT contacting the guy. You haven't appeared insecure, needy, or desperate. Hold your head up.

Now, it's possible (wouldn't be the first time), he'll come to his senses and call you during the week. When he asks you out again, tell him sorry, but you're busy (and just to keep things honest, go out and make yourself busy!).

The worst thing you can do is be easily available to a person who said he'd call and didn't (put yourself in his place: You tell a guy you'll call. You don't. You finally get around to calling, and he drops everything to be with you. Turn on or turn off? You tell me).

Make him work a bit to see you again. Give yourself a few days to decide whether he's even worth it.

Now, if the guy doesn't ever call, once again consider the very real possibility he's done you a very big favor. A guy who doesn't keep his word is probably very poor boyfriend material.

And you can do better. What's more, you deserve better.

Divorced and Met a Seemingly Great Guy: Should She Go for It?

Terry-

I reached a point where I thought there no good men since I kept on meeting one loser after another. I was tired of always initiating calls, dates, etc with men. Since I was put on your mailing list, I have changed. I don’t initiate anything with men. I let them do the chase.

I've been divorced for the past 11 months. My husband then was really abusive. I've met a few men then who have been equally losers. They don’t call when they say they will, they are never romantic, they are emotionally distant and always making me feel like am an option in their lives.

A month ago however, didn’t I meet a nice man? He is divorced also. He makes me feel like am the centre of his world. Am the first person he talks to when he wakes up and the last person he calls before he sleeps. He opens doors for me. My happiness is his interest. So far, he makes me feel appreciated. If he says he will call or come to see me and he doesn’t, he calls to apologize. He is like one of those perfect men from a movie or a novel.

Problem is am 27, he is 37. Can this age difference be a problem? Secondly, do you think because we are both divorced, this can be a problem?

-Need to know

Dear Need to know-

I don't think your age difference is a problem at all. A good friend of mine told me just Tuesday about her 43-year-old brother's happy marriage to a 33-year-old woman. She says they're on the same wavelength, enjoy the same things, and laugh all the time.

So if you enjoy this man's company, have a lot in common, and he treats you well, go for it!

Furthermore, I don't think the fact that both of you are divorced necessarily presents a problem. Obviously, you had a good reason for ending your marriage. We hope he had a good reason for ending his, but as you get to know him, it should come out.

Since you were in an abusive relationship before, I recommend that you really get to know this man. Do take it slowly. A lot of us (raising hand here!) have a problem of attracting the same type of person over and over. And while I'm not saying this is the case here, it's only been a month since you met this guy. It's a good idea to give the relationship time to make sure he doesn't exhibit any of your ex-husband's bad qualities.

You deserve the best. Be alert, take things slowly, and above all, enjoy yourself!

How Many Men Can You Meet in 100 Days?

Manifesting Mr. Right author Ronnie Ann Ryan once again offers her 100-Day Challenge, where she'll show you how to shake up your dating life by meeting 50 new men. (Because of vacation, I'm a little late in announcing the Challenge, but you can still get in).

Ronnie says: "You really can meet 50 men in just 100 days. This program will help you at whatever stage of the dating journey you're in. Sometimes active daters join to get new insights, while others may not have dated in a while. The Fall Challenge was a huge success."

Get the full story here.

For free tips on what not to say when you meet those men, click here.

How She Met a Man Who Makes Her Happy

I'm back from vacation, and what a neat surprise to read Susan Courtad's blog and find a post detailing how she met and started a relationship with her boyfriend of eight months. Lots of inspiration here.

Susan's an attractive, clever, funny single working mother who endured a traumatic divorce, and then some bumps along the dating road.

In addition to her blog, One Woman Show, Susan is shopping around a novel and also writes Dinner for One at the Imperfect Parent.