Wednesday, June 18, 2008

You Can't Build a Relationship on a Brazilian


I want your opinion on this!

I have read in some dating magazines and books that in order to keep that man - take some Advil and go get waxed you know where. Now I have tried the shaving thing, and it's just darn uncomfortable when it grows back in - not to mention hair down there has a purpose. What do you say to the guy who rejects you because you don't spread to have some woman rip away at your nether regions?

Now mind you - I don't care for a hairy back and if given the choice I would prefer not to have an armadillo. I would NOT reject a good man for this. Is it the same fat vs. thin argument? Men are visual, who can blame them and if they take care of themselves why shouldn't you?

For all purposes - I am well groomed, I do shave my legs and pits and don't have loose strands peeking out of my bathing suit. What's the etiquette on Brazilian or not? Plus it's not cheap.

Canada - home of the beaver!

Dear J.-

Excuse me while I retrieve my head from the ceiling.

First I'll address your question: What do you say to a man who rejects you because you are not inclined to subject yourself to the overrated ritual euphemistically known as a Brazilian?

You tell him, "Try watching a little less porn, Jackass."

The notion that it is somehow your duty to submit yourself to this masochism to please a man is beyond me. I've never--let me repeat--never met a healthy man who rejected a woman based on the appearance of her lady parts (as Tina Fey likes to call them).

The next time you read a so-called women's magazine, ask yourself, "Do I feel better about myself after reading this thing? Or worse?"

If you feel worse, the magazine has done its job, which is to make you feel insecure enough to buy its advertisers' products in an attempt to feel better about yourself. Remember, the function of some advertising is not to suggest a solution to a problem, but to create a problem that the product can solve for you:

Want a man to love you? Today's man can only love you if you appear to have reached the sexual maturity of a First Grader.

Other arguments for the Brazilian include:

-All the hot female celebrities get Brazilians; it's no big deal. Why not you?

-A Brazilian is exotic. You will feel so much sexier!

Listen, if you're really and truly intrigued by the idea of a Brazilian, if it makes sense to you, go for it. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reason, which would be for yourself, not to please or attract some guy.

Let me repeat: I've never met a healthy man (you know, one without a porn addiction or serious control issues) who cared that much about the appearance of his girlfriend's parts. He's just happy she has them.

As for the "men are visual" argument, think about that one for a minute, will you? The Brazilian wax is a relatively new phenomenon. Men and women have been getting along since the dawn of time without it.

Did your mother worry about getting Brazilians to keep a man's interest? Did your grandmother? My guess is that your female ancestors did just fine without paying a stranger to tear sheets of hair from the tenderest spots of their anatomies.

The visual argument is genius. It also excuses tons of bad behavior: Your boyfriend ogles other women? He's not a jackass. He's visual.

The visual argument moves lots of product, let me tell you.

Relationships are based on sexual attraction, sure, but sexual attraction usually develops before you and a man have seen each other naked. Lasting relationships are based on more than sexual attraction. They're based on love, respect, humor, and the desire for the other partner's happiness.

Save your money and your skin. A Brazilian is not necessary to keep a (healthy) man's affection. But a self-involved jerk with a commercially-imposed sense of what's sexy?

That's another story.