Monday, August 01, 2005

She Continues to Attract Cheating Bastards

Dear Terry-

I have basically had it with men. I have been married and divorced twice. I met the man I thought loved me when he started working with me in 2002. He was a married doctor doing his residency in our office. We slowly became better friends during his second year of residency. When I found out that my second husband cheated on me, he was the one there who helped me get through it.

Even though we both knew it was wrong, we became intimately involved. We continued to have a relationship for the rest of his stay here. Then when it was time for him to graduate and move to another state. We made a promise that we would still make it work. (His new office is only an hour away).

During his first week there, we still talked often. He asked me to let him live with his children for four more years. That would be when his contract was up, and he could move wherever he wanted; basically, he would have to move to wherever his wife wanted after he left her so that he could still have a relationship with his children. In four years we would be married and supposedly live happily ever after.

On July 1, 2005 we spent another wonderful night together and told each other how much we loved each other. Then on July 12, 2005 he left for a family vacation. During this time I rarely spoke to him. When he finally called me on July 17, 2005 he informed me that he was still on vacation and he missed me. We argued a little due to the fact that he wasn't honest about his venture, and that I was all alone while he was having fun.

Well, once he was at home the emails started again and I once again thought that everything would be ok, but little did I know that the emails would eventually only come once maybe twice a day. Finally, I made a break for it and offered him the easy way out. I told him that I thought that his feelings for me had changed and that he didn't want me anymore; that is when he gave me this story about his children and how we couldn't be together permanently. He closed with "I love you and I know that I don't tell you enough. I can't imagine my life without you in it." Being the fed up person that I am, I replied "I know what I have to do now"...meaning it was time for me to move on.

The problem is that I honestly love this man. He was my best friend who helped me to overcome so many obstacles. I haven't heard anything from him since our latest argument, and I am starting to feel like he never loved me at all, and I was delusional for thinking that he did. I have been on your site, and I have read and re-read every one of your steps to getting over this person, but I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. This man promised me everything, but all that he gave me was a broken heart. Please help me.


Hello, A-

Your break-up is virtually seconds old. There is no way at this tender stage for you to be completely over this man. The good news is that you can definitely get over him, but you must be patient. Give yourself time, treat yourself well, and every time you're tempted to relive a happy memory you shared with him, stop yourself. Make a habit of banishing him from your mind, and eventually, he'll stop popping in.

Keep yourself busy. Indulge in unabashed escapism and see a movie you've been dying to see-- by yourself. See all the movies you want by yourself! If you don't want to be seen going to a theater on your own (I enjoy it, actually), go to a Saturday matinee (couples tend to hit pre- and after-dinner showings). Treat yourself exquisitely. Buy yourself flowers. Sleep late. Enjoy lovely meals and other luxuries; just avoid going into debt.

If this doesn't sound good to you, picture this scenario instead: The guy in question decides he wants to be with you. You'll get married and spend the rest of your lives together. Everything will be just as you dreamed.

Or will it? The guy cheated on his wife to be with you. That makes him, like your former husband, a cheater. If you were to marry this man, you would be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life. You'll be afraid to go to the Ladies' Room for fear that he'll be chatting up another woman while you're in there. And what will he be doing at work? Solving another woman's problems over the water cooler?

For some reason, you've attracted at least two cheaters. And, worse, you were attracted to them. Why? Only you can answer these questions. The world is full of fun, monogamous, cute guys, and you deserve a joyous, peaceful, lasting relationship with one of them.

My best advice is to stay the course and let Dr. Feelgood go. You've been married twice, so perhaps it's time for you to give yourself some space and really get to know yourself and enjoy your life. You don't need a man. You need yourself. Once you get to the point where you love yourself too much to waste time with somebody else's cheating husband, you'll start attracting better men. Best of all, you'll be attracted to them, too.

You'll run into this guy on the street five years from now and wonder what the hell you were thinking.

To your happily ever after,