Thursday, December 20, 2007

The Man Calls Constantly, But He Won't Commit

Hello Terry,

Thanks for the book. I read it.

I talked to a guy for 90 days before he wanted to meet me. Finally he met me, and we had an awesome time. He lives four hours away from me.

He calls me a lot every day, and I like it. He laughs and makes me happy.

After spending a lot of time with him on a 4-day weekend, I asked him whether we are girlfriend and boyfriend, and he responded, "Let time tell." Should I have asked this question?

It seems like a relationship, since he calls me in the morning, a few times during the day and at night. He talks to me like a girlfriend but does not know if he wants me to be in a relationship.

I am so confused.

After my trip to meet him, he is saying I should move to his city, and he will help me find a job there. I see so much interest and passion but he does not want to say that he is in exclusively dating me.

I asked him if he was dating anyone and he said exactly this: "I have dinner buddies, I have show buddies and I have sex buddies." Well that put a damper on my hopes for him, although he treated me like a queen.

Why can't he decide about me? Is he a player? Should I stay away from him? What should I do?


-His Little Buddy

Hey, Buddy-

Thank you for purchasing my book.

About this guy you're dating: You didn't do anything wrong by asking about the nature of your relationship. He's been calling, you are obviously developing feelings for him, and you're concerned.

The fact that he categorizes his friends as dinner buddies, show buddies, and sex buddies makes me a little queasy (excuse me while I get the Pepto Bismol). I can't say for sure if he's a player, but boy, it's all about him and his feelings, isn't it?

But he makes you laugh, and we girls always fall for the guy who makes us laugh. And he's sweet on the phone, and you're thinking about him all the time when you're not on the phone, aren't you? Well, your behavior and feelings are normal. They're natural.

Since this fellow is calling you constantly (and let me repeat, you did nothing wrong by assuming that his behavior indicated a fairly serious relationship), I suggest you stop taking every call he makes. There is no law that says you have to pick up the phone every time he calls you.

Am I suggesting that you play games?


Look at it this way: Let's say a woman you met at work started calling you four times a day. She invited you for a fun girls' weekend, where you went skiing, enjoyed some cocktails, saw a show or two, and so on. Would you or would you not assume that this person liked you and considered you a friend?

Now, what if you said to this woman, "I'm so glad I met you at the office. I'm so glad we've become such close friends?"

And she said, "Close friends? Um, look, we're just travel buddies. You gotta understand I have a lot of buddies. I'm very popular. I have all sorts of friends."

Would you accept that nonsense from a female friend?

I didn't think so.

Well, you don't have to accept it from some guy, either. Limit your conversations with him to one per day (twice a week would be even better). When he asks why you're suddenly unavailable, tell him you've been "really busy." That's it. End of story. It's none of his business.

Either he will figure out that he really does like you, that you're more than a buddy he can slip into some category, or he won't. He'll make a decision about your relationship. If he decides to see you exclusively, great. If he decides he wants to carry on with his assortment of one-dimensional friends, at least you'll know it. You can save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak.

Cutting down on his phone calls will leave you with time on your hands. Judging by your feelings for him, it will be hard not to pick up the phone, but I'm telling you, you're better off. Right now, he's calling all the shots in this buddyship, and it's time you got to call some of your own.

In the meantime, do write a list of the qualities you want in a man, as I suggest in my book (the book will not help you if you just read it; you must do the exercises!).

Be open to the very real possibility that there's a man who'll make you happier than this one will. I know it's hard to imagine you could ever fall for another guy when you're so hung up on this one, but, believe me, you can.