Poison 'Em Young

If you've ever wondered why some women are obsessed about having a man, keeping a man, when he's going to call, what he's thinking, and on and on and on, you need only check out the current issues of teen magazines. Girls are programmed to fixate on men from the time they get an allowance.

Teen's cover shouts, "How to Decode Your Crush," as if a girl should handle a boy the way MI6 deals with The Kremlin. I suppose actually talking to the boy would be out of the question. Read his mind instead. Then grow up and wonder why men can't "open up." Why should they open up when women have been trained to carry on entire relationships in our minds?

And then Seventeen counsels, "Make Your Crush Want You," as if that's possible (I know because I was a 13-year-old Seventeen subscriber once, and I tried). Forget about tips for getting into college; the magazine's other cover stories include, "405 Ways to Look Hot (At Every Party)," "Dress Like a Celebrity," and "5 Signs You're Addicted to Attention." Paris Hilton and a depressed-looking kitten serve as cover models.

CosmoGirl! tells impressionable readers how to "Party Like a Celebrity" (the cover features Party Girl Lindsay Lohan, hugging her little sister) and gives them "10 Ways to a Healthier, Hotter Body." My pick for the best cover blurb? "She Says She Was Raped...But Could She Be Lying?"

These magazines promote the idea that girls should take lifestyle and fashion cues from celebrities (the current Teen and Seventeen cover models are renowned for giving crotch shots to paparazzi) and drive themselves to distraction over some dork. If they have the misfortune of being sexually assaulted, they might be better off keeping their mouths shut. Who's going to believe them, anyway?

Attract a man who's worthy of you for a change.