Friday, February 26, 2010

He Says He Loves Her, But He Won't Marry Her

Hi, Terry-

I really, really like your blog and advice. I was little bit afraid to share my story, but I feel I need some advice from someone on the side. I have been with my bf for more than 2 yrs and we love each other so much; we live together we travel together a lot share same interest, but there is one little thing: I am not American.

I came on a visa. We fell in love, and it was amazing. But my visa expired and I couldn't get a new one I had to choose to stay illegally and be with him or go home.(He didn't want to do a fake marriage, so I can stay legally. Was a hard decision but I knew our love was worth to stay. And now year and a half later I am still here illegally, haven't seen my family for four years, and I can't leave the country because they won't let me come back. I live every day in fear I can get caught and deported and everything will be over. He knows all this, and he understands how much I suffer and that he can help us and change the things but he won't do it.)

I can't have a normal life, working under the table not feeling like a normal person. He says he wants to have future with me, travel the world together come visit my country, but when I bring up the subject of marriage he says he is not ready. I don't understand...I can't keep on going like this. I keep dreaming one day he will propose and having hopes in vain. I told him the other day that he needs to make some decision about what we gonna do that I am ready to make the next step, and all he says is I am not ready. I love you I can't imagine life without you, but I am not ready to get married. But having our relationship in my situation is stressful and risky. I made so many compromises to to be here like this. Please any advice? He is amazing and loving and caring, but I feel he doesn't want to grow up and commit and he will be 31 and I will be 30.

-A Woman Without a Country


Dear Woman Who Deserves Better Than This:

Your first step is to get a good immigration lawyer, someone who can explain in plain language what your options are. Use the savings you planned to spend on a wedding here; it's a vital investment. This boyfriend of yours is not looking out for you, so you have to look out for yourself.

Now, re-read this sentence you wrote:

"I made so many compromises to be here like this."

You have indeed made many compromises. You've compromised your relationship with your family, your peace of mind, your self-esteem, your youth, and perhaps your morals (it's clear you don't enjoy breaking the law) to pin your hopes on some guy who claims to love you.

He says he doesn't want to get married, and you're still waiting for him to "make a decision." He's made a decision.

Now you have to make a decision. Please get over the idea that this individual is the only man for you. Get over the idea that you're almost 30, and you'd better bag a husband fast. The most powerful (and attractive) thing you can do right now is work on your self-esteem. Understand that you deserve better than a man who'd so selfishly and cavalierly allow you to sacrifice so much in return for so very little.

After you get hold of the good lawyer, I wholeheartedly recommend you read a book by Louise Hay entitled, You Can Heal Your Life. Some people object to Hay because she's New Age, but the affirmations are extremely valuable. Ignore any New Age stuff if it doesn't appeal to you (it doesn't appeal to me), but do use the affirmations.

A good affirmation can do wonders to build your self-esteem, and once you build your self-esteem, you'll attract (and accept) much better circumstances.

If you repeat an affirmation out loud (privately, of course) at least 25 times a day, you'll definitely feel a shift within a couple of weeks. Here are two you can use right away:

"I love myself unconditionally."

"I deserve all the best life has to offer."

In the meantime, I wish you every good thing in the world.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Want to Help a Woman Out?

I received the following request from a reader:

Hey Terry,

I'm working on a graduate research project about nonverbal behaviors during first dates. I'm looking for participants who have online dating experience and I'm hoping you would be willing to attach the link to my anonymous survey. If you want to preview the study before you make your decision I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thanks, Angie.


If you'd like to help Angie out by anonymously answering a series of questions (none too personal, I assure you), please click the link she provided. Again, she's looking for people who actually have online dating experience.

Completing the survey should take you no more than 10 minutes and will help a fellow female achieve a goal and make her way in the world. To participate, click here.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Law of Attraction to Get You Married

Hi, Terry-

I always enjoy your emails. I would like to know if you have anything on having trouble getting a man to marriage. I have no problem getting them to a relationship. They are even willing to live with me. But none so far want marriage. What is a good answer/comeback when they say, yes I want a relationship with you. Let's move in together. Let's buy a house together. Even have kids together. But NO to marriage.

Thanks
A.



Dear A.

You know what you want, and that's a good thing. You're not moving in with these people, pretending that you can change their minds about marriage after you've been living with them for a while.

Just because you're attracting men who are willing to do everything with you except make it legal doesn't mean all men reject the idea of marriage (not by a long shot). The next time someone refuses to marry you but suggests you bear his children, just say, "No, thank you. I want to get married, and I'm going to hold out for a man who wants to get married and spend the rest of his life with me."

Then walk away.

In the meantime, picture yourself being married, not to some clown who asked you to give birth to his children, but to a man who treasures you and makes your happiness a priority.

What would this marriage look like?

Feel like?

Taste like?

Sound like?

Smell like?

In other words, bring in all your senses and make it real in your imagination. 'See' a wedding ring on your finger. Feel yourself holding the hand of the man who wears the ring you gave him.

Keep saying 'no' to men who offer you less than what you want. Keep bringing a happy marriage to life in your imagination. Do it morning, noon, and night. Do it every day. Keep it up.

It's called using the Law of Attraction, and it's powerful. Use it and watch out! After a while, you'll find yourself attracting a man who wants the same things you do.

Friday, February 19, 2010

To the Reader Who Submitted a Question (which I Somehow Lost)

You're the reader who submitted a question about a man you once dated quite seriously, who later got involved with someone else. After that relationship ended, he started up with you again, only to tell you that the other woman was his 'soulmate.'

The bottom line was, he says he doesn't want to take things further with you. You love him, and you're confused and hurt.

(I hope I remember all the details correctly.)

First, let me apologize profusely for having somehow hit the wrong button, which sent your very important question (which was, essentially, how do you get him to change his mind?) into some never-ending rabbit hole.

I am so sorry.

I am also sorry about the situation with this man, but the worst thing you can do is try to convince him that you're the woman for him. Trust me. The more you do this, the more he'll be convinced the other woman really is the soul mate who got away.

You're in a lot of pain, obviously, so the best thing you can do is take extremely good care of yourself. Treat yourself as a treasure yet to be discovered (in other words, if you actually were with this guy, how would you want him to treat you? Treat yourself that way.)

You'd do well to stay busy. I think it's way too early to try to be this guy's supportive friend, and if you do it in the hopes that he'll come to his senses that you're the woman for him, I fear you'll be disappointed.

Fill your time with good, supportive, fun people who make you laugh. Avoid any living person needles you by bringing his name up out of the blue, as in, "Have you heard from X?" Or, "So what's going on with you and X?" (Tell people who love you and make the mistake of bringing him up that you're moving on and have taken his name out of your vocabulary.)

Also, avoid people who try to justify his behavior as a reason for you to be patient, as in, "You know, he's afraid of getting hurt. Give him time."

Guess what? Everybody (including you, I imagine) is afraid of being hurt.

Stop worrying about him. Stop talking about him altogether. Do your best to stop thinking of him.

Please let this guy go. In your absense, it's possible he'll miss you. If he does, tread very carefully with him. Don't rush into his arms. Guard your heart.

If he doesn't miss you, well, you'll be that much farther along in enjoying your new life --and all its possibilities -- without him.

Never underestimate the power of letting go. You'll get stronger, for one thing. If you treat yourself well (instead of the rejected girl or the loser at love) and open yourself to the possibility that there's someone out there who you wouldn't have to arm-twist into seeing your greatness, you will become used to being treated well. You will have raised your standards.

And that also is a powerful thing. It's also attractive.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you have a chance, drop me a line and let me know how you're doing.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Take the Pressure Off Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day. Whether you're a fan or not, the thing that matters most is the quality of your relationships, not some card or gift. And your most important relationship is with yourself.

If you're dating someone now, great; I'll get to you in a minute.

If you're not dating anyone right now, you certainly have at least one wonderful person in your life. And I mean you. Today, treat yourself as a treasure yet to be discovered. Imagine how the most desirable guy in the world would treat you and treat yourself that way.

This is important. When you make a habit of treating yourself like a treasure yet to be discovered, men pick up on it. You become a magnet for men who want a woman they can treasure.

It happened to me.

Buy yourself something special (just don't go into debt). Savor food you love to eat. Grab a fun friend (note that I said 'fun friend;' avoid complainers like the swine flu). Rent a good movie, pop some corn, and have a cocktail.

Have fun!

If you are in a relationship, don't get caught up in the hype. Some men are into Valentine's Day, and some don't get it at all (I don't really like it myself. My feeling is, if you love somebody, you should show them every day, not just on Valentine's Day). So,if the guy doesn't come bearing extravagant gifts, be open to the possibility that he thinks Valentine's Day is the over-hyped commercial holiday I do.

(Now, if he forgets your birthday, that's another story.)

More important than Valentine's Day, today begins MARDI GRAS week, so if you live near a Cajun restaurant, check out the party (Peter and I, never the Valentine's Day revelers, are headed to our favorite Cajun place with friends on Long Island tonight).

Life is short. Enjoy every minute of it!

Friday, February 12, 2010

Show Me the Love Every Day, Not Just on a Hallmark Holiday

Last September, Keysha Whitaker, my partner at Single Women Rule, came up with the idea of a blog crawl. Readers liked it, and one of the participating bloggers decided to try one of her own, which she's calling (to be fair to Keysha!) a blog-a-thon, instead of a blog crawl.

That blogger is Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, who teaches her male and female clients who want to get married to actually get married, as opposed to turning themselves into lifelong daters.

The blog-a-thon's subject is Valentine's Day, a 'holiday' that has always made me a bit queasy (have you seen those commmercials geared to men who want to stay out of trouble with their 'sweethearts?' Note to husband: I don't want flowers, chocolate, a pajama gram, or a freaking teddy bear. I get it that you love me; I don't need any of that crap to prove it).

Check out my post on Ronnie's blog-a-thon here. I addressed the subject of Valentine's Day, but not in a way (I hope) that makes you queasy.

What am I doing for Valentine's Day?

We're getting our taxes done (like working out, it feels better afterwards), and then we're meeting up with friends for dinner, drinks, and fun.

What are you doing? Do tell. Whatever it is, make it empowering and fun!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I'm Excited to Be Part of This

Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan asked me to take part in her blog-a-thon, which started Monday and will run through Valentine's Day, February 14th. My post will appear on Friday, February 12th at After 40 Dating Tips, but don't wait until Friday. Check out her other guest bloggers now!

Here's some more info:


Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon Starts Monday, February 8th

Dating Tips to Find Love

(February 6, 2010) Better than a telethon, the first ever Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon raises awareness (instead of money) for the positive aspects of celebrating Valentine's Day as a single adult. While this holiday often causes single women everywhere to cringe, the Blog-a-thon has been created to shift that reaction to a more upbeat outlook.

Beginning Monday, February 8th, guest bloggers from some of the Internet's most popular sites, will be sharing their insights to help single women enjoy a day that is traditionally reserved for couples, and offer advice for finding the love they want.

Unite with countless single readers to take in this virtual tour of the web's best dating experts. Featured guest bloggers include:

Monday, 2/8: The Dating Goddess (www.DatingGoddess.com) who has one of the top-ranked dating advice sites and has published more than a dozen books about dating in the Adventures of Delicious Dating after 40 book series.

Tuesday, 2/9: Alyssa Johnson, MSW, LCSW, of www.RemarriageSuccess.com helps divorced parents move into new relationships and successful step families, and is the author of over 250 published articles and 4 books, with an active counseling practice.

Wednesday, 2/10: Laurie Davis is the founder of www.eFlirtExpert.com and co-host of the weekly web show, www.LoveNation.com. She helps singles market themselves to become successful daters, is the current NY Tech Dating Examiner and a contributing writer for The Guyds.

Thursday, 2/11: SingleMomSeeking is one of the best dating bloggers (as reviewed by about.com Guide to Dating) specializes in being a parent while looking for love at www.singlemomseeking.com/blog and author of Single Mom Seeking: Play Dates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World.

Friday, 2/12: Terry Hernon MacDonald, expert dating blogger at www.HappyGirlMusing.com is the author of the hot selling ebook, How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams.

Saturday, 2/13: DeAnna Lorraine, innovative Dating and Relationship Coach and NLP Practitioner, helps clients transform their love life to succeed with the opposite sex at www.DeAnnaLorraine.com

Sunday, 2/14: Ronnie Ann Ryan, MBA, CCC, The Dating Coach has helped over 2,000 singles to successfully jump start or accelerate their search for love. She is also a speaker, workshop leader, author of MANifesting Mr. Right and founder of www.NeverTooLate.biz.

Guest bloggers have been selected for their specific expertise to inform, inspire, and motivate singles to enjoy what is normally the most dreaded retail holiday of the year. In addition, single women, whether divorced, widowed or never married can learn from the sage dating wisdom these experts share.

Ronnie Ann Ryan, creator of the Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon said, "This is a ground-breaking opportunity for single women to rethink their reaction to Valentine's Day and transform the holiday experience into something enjoyable and positive."

Check out Ronnie Ann Ryan's Valentine's Day Blog-a-thon at After 40 Dating Tips !

Monday, February 01, 2010

She Doesn't Want Him to Think She's a Slut

Hi, Terry-

I am a 33-year-old woman who was in a 13-year relationship that is not working out. I want to try to start dating again.

I met this guy who I liked and hung out with him and some other friends. We somehow got separated from the friends and ended up at his house. Of course, he wanted to have sex. I was not sure if it's ok to have sex being with someone the first time. Or should I wait? We were kissing and touching and things got heavy, but I put a stop to it. I don't want him to think I am a tease. My question is, is it ok to have sex on the first date or on the first time meeting? Would he think that I am a slut or too easy? If you can please answer my question, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

-Not a Slut


Dear Not-

You've been out of the dating scene since you just left your teens, so it's new and unfamiliar territory.

Here are some things you need to know:

-When you meet a new man, and his goal is to have sex (as opposed to spending time and getting to know you), he may be especially charming and "somehow separate" you from other people so that he can have sex with you.

-Whether it is okay to have sex with a person you just met is entirely up to you, but first you might want to find out if he takes regular showers, is free of disease, and possesses a soul.

-You should never worry about a man you had sex with thinking you're a slut. He had sex with you, too. Do you think he's a slut? A man who would have sex with you and call you a slut is a hypocrite. Discard him immediately.

You say you want to start dating again. What's your goal? Do you want to meet a man you can love and spend the rest of your life with? Or do you want to take time off from serious relationships and just play the field for a while?

While it's possible to find love after sex on a first meeting, it usually doesn't happen. People tend to get freaked out about what they should expect and how they should behave. So, if it's a relationship you want, hold off on the sex. Get to know the guy.

Make sure he's even worth your time.