Friday, January 04, 2008

She's Dating A Married Man

Hi Terry,

Thank you so much for your emails. The more I read them, the more wisdom I accumulate.

It's this time of the year when I really reflect on my love life, and what I'm really looking for. I divorced four years ago when I found out my ex-husband had kept a mistress. It broke my heart completely, and I could not forgive him.

But strangely, four years later, the same situation comes up except I am the other girl this time. There is this married man who's been very interested in me. His wife has a three-month-old baby. I know it's immoral, but our chemistry has been unbelievable. He's even better than my ex. Our casual sex was really good each time.

I had tried to keep a distance from him, but he can't help seeing me whenever he can. I let him know I see other guys too, and he lets me know he keeps seeing other girls, too. But then again, he sees me whenever. He's all quiet now when we have sex. I know he's sad also because he can't say anything or do anything about the situation, apart from just enjoying each other's bodies.

His parents were divorced when he was 12. Is that the reason that makes him a compulsive cheater? Will that eventually lead to big problem for his marriage? His wife might sense something but is unlikely to divorce him.

Funny I used to despise those who cheat, but after a few times, I don't feel too guilty about it. But at the same time, I can forgive my husband for what he did because now I understand why he did it.

It's circle of life and I'm running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?

Meanwhile, I'm thinking of doing online dating, I want to know more about a man first by email before I see him. Is it a good idea?

-Running around


Dear Running-

I'm so sorry that your husband cheated on you. I can only imagine how devastated you must have felt.

But you know how you felt, so I urge you to consider the feelings of the woman who is married to the man you're currently sleeping with. I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know what has driven this man to cheat compulsively. I do think that if his wife learns about his infidelity or even suspects it, it will have a terrible effect on their relationship.

You say the chemistry between you is fantastic, but a lot of the time good chemistry results from forbidden passion, not from love or mutual respect. I have a hunch that if if this guy ever gave up his wife and all his other girlfriends, you'd be bored with him in 10 minutes. The thrill would be gone.

Since he does seem to be spreading himself a bit thin, I encourage you to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases (that is, if you decide to keep seeing him, and I hope you won't).

You mentioned, "It's circle of life and I'm running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?" But you're wrong. There may be a circle of life, but there is definitely a difference between right and wrong. The best advice I can give you is to treat others as you would have them treat you. (And if they don't treat you as you would treat them, it's time to reconsider the relationship.)

If you wouldn't want someone else to do something to you, don't do it to her. Please give the relationship with the married man serious thought. Sure, it's fun, but somebody is going to get hurt.

My mother used to say, "Life has a way of catching up with people." For your own good, stop poaching other women's men. It's rotten karma.

As for online dating, I do recommend it. In 2007, two of my friends became engaged to people they met online. Before you join a service, though, decide on an objective. Do you want a serious relationship? Marriage? Or a guy you can just get together with once in a while?

Write a list of the qualities you'd like him to have. Write a list of the qualities you have to offer.

Believe that you can have the relationship you want. More important, believe that you deserve it.

I think you're wise to get to know a guy you meet online before you agree to meet him. When you decide you're ready, meet him in a safe, neutral location (a restaurant or a coffee shop) and provide your own transportation. Don't get into cars with strangers.

Terry