Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Dating a Married Man (From a Woman Who Knows)

Here's a response to last week's post, Loving a Married Man, from a reader who's been there. I think a lot of women get involved with married men to avoid having to deal with a man's less attractive features on a full-time basis, as she mentions in the third paragraph.

Wow...you hit the nail on the head with this article.

I was the other woman for 2.5 yrs. Yes, he told me he loved me like no other, and he had many. I knew about the others as he was proud of the fact that he had cheated many times over the last 25 years to his wife. The convenience woman, and of course HER kids wouldn't love him if he wasn't married to their MOM. He raised them, put them both through college and they were the "perfect" family. He told me that she had cancer and was dying, and she couldn't tell her grown children. It was their secret. He couldn't toss her to the side of the road, just because she was sick. (This woman had a very high paying job and worked more than any 5 people I know. She was no more dying than I am.)

I couldn't tell you really why I stayed. Maybe it was the possibility that he would leave her, maybe it was because I didn't have to listen to the farts at night, wake up with the banshee hair and bad breath. I didn't have to tolerate his bad habits.

Yes, I stayed knowing everything about him. Or what I thought was everything.
I do believe he loved me .. the best he could. It had a pay off for me. I could
con't to believe all the BS my ex had told me for so long that I wasn't worth it.
I wasn't smart. I was nothing.

I am not sorry for being the other woman... every experience helps us to grow.
I told him finally that he had to choose for once and for all. I transferred out of
state and I told him he had to decide. He stayed in Chicago .. I stayed here in CA. He kept in contact with me daily for the first year. Yes, I answered.. I had hope that he would MISS me soooo much and did love me the most.... but at
the end... She won. He had his roots with her and her grown children. He also
loved her money more than me.

He was 12 yrs older than me, 60 and aging quickly. His final excuse was that she was dying of cancer. (despite the fact she worked everyday .. long hours away from him) .. and that I would be sorry if we were together as he aged more.

It took a long time to get over this... It has been over a year since our last ugly conversation. At times, I do think of him... I haven't been able to delete his notes or pictures off my desktop (which I don't use) .. but that will come in time.

He taught me more about myself .. I could love.. I was capable of giving and receiving love from a man. I finally figured out exactly the type of man that I desire in my life and won't settle. Yes, I learned my lesson on the married man. The Universe has tested me again.. and I passed. NOT going back there again.

Thanks for your emails and great suggestions. Keep them coming.


P.S. Don't misunderstand me. It wasn't easy to get over him, or that I thought it was okay to be in the relationship. I fooled myself and found all kinds of ways to justify it.

Live and learn ... I learned big time.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Diane.