Plastic Surgery: No Way to Find Love

If one more middle-class woman tells me she's going to get her eyes done, I'm going to scream. The scary thing is, these women are usually in their 30s. When I ask them why they're going to submit their faces to objects that make them bleed, they point to wrinkles and crows' feet that do not even exist!

Eye jobs, Botox, and collagen injections are increasingly prevalent among the middle-class, and I've read they're paying for it with credit cards.

And here's what really freaks me out: I read a report about women who show up in plastic surgeon's offices with porn magazines and flip to photos of other women's vaginas (vaginae, actually). They tell the doctor, "I want to look like this!"

Many of these women insist they need cosmetic improvements to their lady parts after some horndog suggests said lady parts aren't up to snuff.

Here's a tip for you, Girls: If a man says anything disparaging about your body -- anything at all-- he is not the man for you (and probably not for anyone else, either). Do not reward asshole behavior by going into debt and putting yourself under potentially life-ending anesthesia to please him.

Please recognize the fact that he does not love you. He is not capable of loving anything other than his Girls Gone Wild collection.

If you happen to look in the mirror and see something you don't like on your face, consider the possibility that obsessing about your looks has kept you from addressing another genuine issue. And if you find yourself continually comparing your nether regions to some porn star's, it may be time to find better uses for your time.

Start by getting a library card.