Tuesday, September 30, 2008

He Broke Up With Her, and Now He Might Be Sorry

Hi Terry:

I don't even know if you will get this e-mail, but I really need some advice.

My ex( I was with him for almost 3 years) has contacted me again. He broke up with me in June, saying he "might be getting back with ANOTHER EX". Needless to say I was devastated but tried to keep my composure and dignity. No tears, pleading or meltdown.

I wished him luck and told him I would not be contacting him after this. Two weeks later he called to see how I was doing. I texted him and asked him to please leave me alone.

Fast forward to yesterday two months later from the last call. He called again last night and left a message. I think of you multiple many times etc, etc. Should I return his call? One of my GFs saw a woman pulling into his driveway last night as well. WHAT TO DO?


P.S. I do miss him but he hurt me terribly.
P.P.S. I am 50 years old, and he is 45, if that makes a difference.

Dear M.-

I seriously doubt your ages have anything to do with this. Some people start pulling this I-want-my-cake-and-to-eat-it-too nonsense around their 13th birthdays and never grow out of it.

I'm sure your ex had many attractive qualities (or you wouldn't be writing about him), but let's face it, his behavior seems a bit childish.

He's certainly very ME-oriented, isn't he? He broke up with you because another deal crossed (or, in this case, recrossed) his path. Now he's with her, and he's not sure if he let a better deal (that would be you) slip away.

You've asked him to get lost, and so far, he hasn't respected your wishes. Again, it's all about him and his feelings. Who cares if he hurt you? He's not sure he made the right decision, so it's very important that he keep you on the hook if he ever decides to go back to you.

Let me say here that I really respect the dignity you've shown in not crying or carrying on and letting him do what he felt he needed to do. Now, if only he would show you the same consideration.

I would not call him if I were you. I understand that you miss him, and he hurt you terribly. You must have shared some happy times together. But what if you call him back, and he decides he wants you back, and you let your guard down and go back to him, and then, well, he runs into some other woman he knew from high school, and he decides he might want to try things with her?

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Ultimately, whether you go back to this guy is up to you, but I certainly wouldn't make it easy for him. The next time you're tempted to pick up the phone (or to listen to some message he's left for you for the eighth time), get a pen and write down every last thing you dislike about him. Recall all those annoying little habits of his that drove you crazy when you were together.

Then read that list slowly and carefully. Stick it on your fridge. Let its contents turn over in your mind for a few days. With any luck, you'll come to the conclusion that you're way out of Mr. Wishy Washy's league, which will allow you to make room in your life for more considerate people and happier relationships.

I wish you the very best of everything. Thanks for writing.