How to Visualize to Attract the Right Relationship

Dear Terry,

I have a question about using visualization to attract the right relationship, and I guess many women will face the same challenge I do.

I do use this tool often, and I try to feel the emotion as well that accompanies the picture. However I catch myself becoming actually more "obsessed" about finding the images in reality (that means the perfect partner) than I would be without doing the exercises.

For example if someone announces a barbecue or a party I immediately think(unconsciously actually) ..." maybe I will meet THE guy there", " maybe someone interesting will come, who has a brother or a sister who knows a man, that is just right for me.." being in this quest to find the materialized image, I sometimes have great troubles in deciding- if going to a certain event is right or not, if I could possibly miss something (or someone!). What I want to say is I think about this whole relationship issue much more than I would be doing without visualization.

Then there are people who say, "you attract everything you don't need" and "the more you want it the less you will have it."

Great, I say to myself. It's not possible to fulfill ALL your needs yourself. My friends just cannot give me the need for love and erotics I need and miss. So, how can you do your visualization, obviously wanting what you don't have yet, without wanting it too much and thus actually repelling what you want? hope I am not too cryptic. :-)

I must mention as well that I am definitely a woman who has her own interests, follows them with passion, and many men actually think that I know exactly what I want out of life (which is definitely not true all the time).

So, I believe I am a most of the time very happy person. But still I don't meet many men and especially since some time, men who seem to be compatible with me. Could you help and tell me what I could change?

-Visualizer

Dear Visualizer-

Great question.

First off, relax. Those maxims about wanting things and not getting them? Forget them. Let's keep things simple.

The cool thing about visualization is that it conditions your subconscious to believe that an incident has actually happened, whether you're visualizing hitting the winning point in a basketball championship or a joyful relationship.

When a champion basketball player shows up on court, he doesn't ask himself if wanting to make a winning shot will cost him the game. If he didn't want it, he would't be much use to his team, would he? Wanting is good.

Presumably, you want a happy relationship with a man who makes you laugh and perhaps whom you can grow old with. There are probably other things you want from this relationship, too, and that's good. Define what you want.

Then, when you visualize, start with the feeling you'd experience if you were in that relationship. What does it feel like to love and be loved? Feel that feeling.

When you go out, the key is to merely put yourself where the right person will find you. If you're visualizing (bringing to mind the emotions you'd feel if that relationship you rightly want truly exists -- and it's excitement and joy you're feeling, not stress and the fear of doing things wrong), you will become attractive to the relationships you visualize.

In other words, you leave the house, attend the barbecues, go to the dry cleaners, but you don't look for evidence of your visualizations. You just go out and have a good time. You don't expect anything.

Oh, yeah, and if for some reason you can't make the barbecue (or whatever), don't stress about it. You won't have missed 'the one.' Figure he wasn't going to be there anyway. Figure that he's out there, and he'll catch up with you somewhere else.

That's what we mean by being unattached to the outcome. You want something, you're bringing it to life in your imagination, and then you go happily about your day. Sure, you may meet 'the one' at the next barbecue, or you may meet a person who'll introduce him to you, but you don't count on it.

Because you might not meet him at the barbecue. You might meet him while you're walking your dog or doing your laundry or buying a cup of coffee. Who knows?

Seriously, relax. Visualize, and put yourself out there. Have fun.

You say you're a happy person with her own interests, who appears to know what she wants out of life (which you say is not always true, but here's a secret: A lot of people have no idea what they want out of life, so you're doing pretty well).

I hope I've been clear here.