Thursday, May 08, 2008

Her Boyfriend Committed Suicide

Dear Terry-

Firstly I would like to say that I love your newsletters.

My problem started 3 years ago when my boyfriend committed suicide. I was devastated because I loved him with all of my heart. We had been together for 4 years. I believe that he was my soulmate.

I started dating younger guys a year later, even though I fell in love with 2 of them, it was never like my boyfriend who died.

I have 2 problems: The first one is that I can't seem to love any other guy the way I loved my boyfriend. I keep comparing every guy I meet to him, and I need you to help me please, help me stop this bad habit. And another one is that I keep attracting younger men, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm looking for a guy that is more my age. How can I attract guys who are more my age? Must I act in a different way or should I have a sign on my forehead that states my age? I am really desperate, please please help!


Desperately Waiting

Dear Waiting-

Yours is probably the hardest letter I've ever had to answer.

I am so sorry about your boyfriend's suicide, and I can only guess the emotions that overwhelmed you after you heard the news. A friend of mine had a brother who killed himself, and her emotions went from falling-down grief to anger to self-blame ("I should have known!"). And then the circle of emotions would start over again.

And your loss is even more profound because you lost the man you loved, your soulmate.

You don't say whether you've gotten professional help to get you through the shock and pain of this event. Please do not discount the peace, comfort, and relief you can achieve by talking to a grief counselor or by joining a bereavement group. You have endured one of the worst blows life has to deal, and I can't imagine you'll be able to move on until you work your way through it.

(An acquaintance of mine lost her sister to suicide, and she runs a bereavement group at her church. Although she will always love and miss her sister, she's been able to move on with her life -- happy marriage and a child-- and now runs the group to help others in her situation).

I did a bit of web surfing and came up with a website for Survivors of Suicide. To view it, click here. I truly hope it helps.

As for your tendency to attract younger men, I suspect it may have something to do with the fact that they sense you're not really available for a serious relationship. Emotionally, you're still with your boyfriend (which sounds pretty normal and natural to me).

I believe you will attract more suitable men once you've come to terms with the terrible ordeal you've suffered.

Thank you for the very kind words. I sincerely wish you every happiness in the world.