Friday, February 26, 2010

He Says He Loves Her, But He Won't Marry Her

Hi, Terry-

I really, really like your blog and advice. I was little bit afraid to share my story, but I feel I need some advice from someone on the side. I have been with my bf for more than 2 yrs and we love each other so much; we live together we travel together a lot share same interest, but there is one little thing: I am not American.

I came on a visa. We fell in love, and it was amazing. But my visa expired and I couldn't get a new one I had to choose to stay illegally and be with him or go home.(He didn't want to do a fake marriage, so I can stay legally. Was a hard decision but I knew our love was worth to stay. And now year and a half later I am still here illegally, haven't seen my family for four years, and I can't leave the country because they won't let me come back. I live every day in fear I can get caught and deported and everything will be over. He knows all this, and he understands how much I suffer and that he can help us and change the things but he won't do it.)

I can't have a normal life, working under the table not feeling like a normal person. He says he wants to have future with me, travel the world together come visit my country, but when I bring up the subject of marriage he says he is not ready. I don't understand...I can't keep on going like this. I keep dreaming one day he will propose and having hopes in vain. I told him the other day that he needs to make some decision about what we gonna do that I am ready to make the next step, and all he says is I am not ready. I love you I can't imagine life without you, but I am not ready to get married. But having our relationship in my situation is stressful and risky. I made so many compromises to to be here like this. Please any advice? He is amazing and loving and caring, but I feel he doesn't want to grow up and commit and he will be 31 and I will be 30.

-A Woman Without a Country

Dear Woman Who Deserves Better Than This:

Your first step is to get a good immigration lawyer, someone who can explain in plain language what your options are. Use the savings you planned to spend on a wedding here; it's a vital investment. This boyfriend of yours is not looking out for you, so you have to look out for yourself.

Now, re-read this sentence you wrote:

"I made so many compromises to be here like this."

You have indeed made many compromises. You've compromised your relationship with your family, your peace of mind, your self-esteem, your youth, and perhaps your morals (it's clear you don't enjoy breaking the law) to pin your hopes on some guy who claims to love you.

He says he doesn't want to get married, and you're still waiting for him to "make a decision." He's made a decision.

Now you have to make a decision. Please get over the idea that this individual is the only man for you. Get over the idea that you're almost 30, and you'd better bag a husband fast. The most powerful (and attractive) thing you can do right now is work on your self-esteem. Understand that you deserve better than a man who'd so selfishly and cavalierly allow you to sacrifice so much in return for so very little.

After you get hold of the good lawyer, I wholeheartedly recommend you read a book by Louise Hay entitled, You Can Heal Your Life. Some people object to Hay because she's New Age, but the affirmations are extremely valuable. Ignore any New Age stuff if it doesn't appeal to you (it doesn't appeal to me), but do use the affirmations.

A good affirmation can do wonders to build your self-esteem, and once you build your self-esteem, you'll attract (and accept) much better circumstances.

If you repeat an affirmation out loud (privately, of course) at least 25 times a day, you'll definitely feel a shift within a couple of weeks. Here are two you can use right away:

"I love myself unconditionally."

"I deserve all the best life has to offer."

In the meantime, I wish you every good thing in the world.