She's Afraid of Commitment

Hi Terry,

I am commitmentphobic.

Why? Well, when I dated the guys who wanted to get married, they one had low-paying jobs, wanted to spend all day in church (please), wanted to get married within three months, or had mental health issues.

One man I dated had lost his job in NYC. I met him through Eharmony (or Eharmon-not). By the third date he told me he was madly in love with me. I was not in love with him. He started tell me about 9/11. Funny thing is, his story kept changing. He was always the hero of the story. Then he told me about how he would save different branches of the bank he worked for. The branches were always failing, and he would save the day.

I finally broke up with him when he demanded sex, and then said that we committed a sin and would have to get married. Right. Why I dated for a year is beyond me. I guess I kept hoping I would start to have some feeling for him. I guess I want to know what falling in love feels like. Never been there.

After the break up, things start to happen to me. Including my Dachshund being poisoned (he died). I think he was doing this things to get me to call him so he could save the day. HUMMMMM

Also, the man was always sick, had some new disease. He was always going to the doctor or Emergency Room. HUMMMM. I believe he had Munchausen Syndrome.

I am still commitmentphobic.

My question is how to I stop dating the mental cases? The guy I am dating now is kind and fun to be with. Marry him, I do not know.

-Help Me

Dear Help-

Once a man demonstrates psycho tendencies, it's time to say goodbye. The author Somerset Maugham said, "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."

It's the truth.

As soon a guy does something to seriously turn you off (like ask you to marry him after just meeting him, for example), it's time to smile sweetly and thank him for a lovely evening. It's uncanny; when you start saying 'no' to unacceptable people and circumstances, they tend not to show up as often.

You say you don't know why you hung around with the man you suspected of poisoning your dog for as long as you did. This is something you really, really need to think about.

As soon as the 9/11 stories started, I'd have put my guard up. I lived in New York at the time of the attacks, and I notice that most of the people who were really and truly witnesses to the event don't talk about it much. They're not eager to relive the experience.

Also, any person who casts himself as a hero is usually the one who knocked down an old lady while making a break for the stairwell.

About your fear of commitment: Well, at least you have the insight to recognize it. Ask yourself what bothers you about long-term relationships? What are you afraid of?

If you're happy being single, great. Two of the happiest women I know (and the most fun to be around) are in their 70s and have never been married. Men proposed, but the arrangement didn't interest them.

But if you're single, and you want to be married, and some unearthed reservation holds you back from giving your heart to a worthwhile recipient, you have to start digging.

Ask yourself, "How would my life be different if I woke up next to the same person every day? If I shared dinner with him every night?"

Figure out what attracts you to that situation. More important, figure out what repels you from that situation. Whatever it is (boredom, always being stuck cleaning the toilet), think about how you can turn that around.

Can you be open to the possibility of marrying a man who makes you laugh and considers it his responsiblity to clean the toilet once in a while?

Terry