Thursday, November 15, 2007

Finding Love When You're the Life of the Party

Hi, T-

I saw your comments about Paul McCartney and his new girlfriend and it's funny - I thought exactly the same thing on the age appropriate thing! There is still a major double standard on these things.

By the way, I don't often get to read the emails you send me since I am always on the road and travelling, and it's hard to find the time to read emails sometimes. But when I do I find it interesting, although much of it doesn't seem to apply to me it seems more geared to people who are shy. That is not really an issue I have. My issue is more that I am extremely outgoing, and I think because I am usually the social organizer for my group of friends, people don't think of me as a serious option to date. They think I am self-sufficient and not really looking! Plus, when I meet someone that I am in the least bit interested in, I tend to treat them worse and ignore them more than I would a casual acquaintance.....

Anyway, just thought I would share that with you.


P.S. Some of it turns me off a bit too when you have a topic like can you "make" a man fall in love with you. Although mostly you seem level headed. I am not a fan of any manipulative behaviour - but maybe that explains why I am still single because I don't play games!

Hello, M-

Thanks for writing and for your nice words.

About my post on making a man fall in love with you, you're very busy so you probably didn't read the whole thing, but I agree with you: It's manipulative and bound to backfire. I do believe you can "make" a man fall in love with you, but I don't recommend it.

I'm definitely not a fan of manipulative behavior.

I do, however, detail a technique for attracting the right man in that post. If you have time, please read it and see what you think.

You mention that you're the social organizer of your group. I wonder if you hang out with the same people all the time, or if you join different groups. If the group you're hanging around with tends to be static (no new people moving in), then by all means, expand your circle. Join new groups and make new friends.

If you're interested in meeting someone special, there's nothing wrong with saying so. Do it casually. Some people make the mistake of saying they're "dying to meet somebody" or they "need a man," but somehow I don't think someone who describes herself as you do would do that.

You might say to your friends, "You know, I'm at a point in my life where I wouldn't mind meeting someone." Keep it light.

You raised a red flag, however:

You mentioned that you tend to treat a guy you do like worse than you would a casual acquaintance. Think carefully about this.

Why do you do it?
Are you afraid of something?
Of what?

Write down your answers. Really look at them. Ask yourself what's the worst that could happen if the guy did or did not return your interest.

Can you deal with it? Why or why not?

Then ask yourself what's the best that could happen.

Can you deal with it? Why or why not?

If you face the things that hold you back, you can overcome them. You can start treating men you're interested in appropriately, which includes smiling, making eye contact, and making yourself available but not too available.

I'm licensed only to drive, but the fact that you treat people you like with indifference suggests that you may be, despite your outgoing appearance, afraid to get close to somebody.

I may be dead wrong, but think about it.