Thursday, May 29, 2008

He Told Her She Was the Most Amazing Person He'd Ever Met (and Promptly Disappeared)

Hi, Terry:

I have been dreading to send you this mail but didn’t know where to start until I just couldn’t go to sleep as I am at the end of my journey.

I met Him in July last year. The first signs that something was wrong was when He gave me a lift home from work and said, "You are an amazing person, I’ve never met anyone like you but cannot see you again." I was convinced, but got an e-mail at work that said, “There’s something I want to show you! Is it possible to see you when you knock off?” Then we were together again. We have been to breakfasts, lakes, lunches, and all of them were magical.

That was only the beginning of my sufferings. We are so different and yet so attracted to each other. Different religion, race, he is 20yrs older …the list goes on! Magic is the only word I can explain what we both feel. But every time we spent time together he will suddenly close up for days on end, and I wouldn’t understand what hit me. As I write this tears just pour down as I know that we are only kept apart by boundaries that He knows of but is not willing to share with me. At times He says that I’m too close or He’ll say “one of these days I’ll surprise you." I don’t know what this is or where it is going….

I have fallen for him, and it makes me sad to know that He doesn’t want me. I have met wonderful people but cannot seem to go on dates or give anybody a chance. I have tried but all these are disastrous and make me feel worse. Nobody has never made me feel the way that he does… We still go to lunch once in a while, I do try to keep my distance but if we are together, every tear and pain melts away. We are not sexually active as He feels that we are not ready. This is frustrating as I‘ve read every book, am a bonafide Christian at age 32 with two beautiful girls….I need to get through this and be normal again.

He does call….but as soon as there’s any connection, He is gone. I love him and I do want him in my life even though he is a different religion. He has all the qualities I want in a man. I have prayed and am not willing to give up on him. Please help…

-Warm Regards But Not Feeling too Well

Dear Warm-

It's extremely seductive when you click with a man, and he tells you, "You are the most amazing person I've ever met." It really seals the attraction, doesn't it?

Because we women have been socialized to believe that someday our prince will come, that we are destined to spend our lives with a soulmate, that some romances are fated from the start, and so on. From the day we are born, it's expected that some man will come for us out of the blue, love us, provide for us, and make us happy.

But it's more important that we love and provide for ourselves and make ourselves happy. A fantastic love relationship is lovely, intoxicating, invigorating, and certainly helpful, but it's not necessary to our survival.

Sadly, so many of us hold onto a relationship because it just had to be "the one" because of the beliefs we've been raised with, supplemented with a comment from a guy like, "You are like nobody else," or "The minute I met you I felt I'd always known you."

It's hard to walk away from a line like that. (I know; I fell for one myself).

And it's especially intriguing when a guy drops a line like that and follows it up with, "I cannot see you again."


And then he calls and asks you to join him in some magical adventure. And you go and say to yourself, "We belong together. It's just a matter of time before he realizes it. I'll make him realize it."

But here's the snag: He's not available.

I don't know whether religion is a factor, or if it's something else. To tell you the truth, it does not matter. What matters is that you're in pain. You're losing sleep over this guy, which means other aspects of your life are suffering, which may include your work, your children, and your ability to have a good laugh with your friends.

In my experience, men who tell you they're unavailable mean it. And that may be a good thing because if you stand back far enough to see this picture clearly, you'll quickly realize that a man who tells you you're special but can't see you again and then calls you bears little resemblance to the man you've built him up to be.

Your mind is a powerful thing. Name one thing about his man that you don't like (there's something). Now imagine having to deal with him and this particular quality on a daily basis. Because people tend to be on their best behavior when they're getting to know another person, you can pretty much bet that this bad quality is only going to get worse.

Say to yourself, "Where the heck does this clown get off calling the shots in my life?" And, "What's his problem, anyway?" (Trust me. He's got a problem.)

Please be open to the possibility that there exists a man who will think you're the most special person on earth and make himself available to be with you. Hold out for that man!

If you doubt this man exists, it's important to ask yourself why. Why can't he? Is there a part of you that doesn't want him to exist? Are you afraid of having a real relationship?

If so, why? Write down every single thing that scares you about it. Don't censor yourself. Then see if it's possible that your fears are justified. Is it possible that they can be overcome?

Very often we become attracted to men we cannot have precisely because we cannot have them (I used to be a pro at this). A little soul searching will go a long way in helping you move on from this situation.

Whatever you do, please stop eating lunch with a man who says, "Someday I will surprise you" and other cryptic nonsense, only to disappear. He is not worthy of you or your time.

I'm rooting for you.