Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Dating a Villain Most Foul

Here's an update on 'The Man Calls Constantly But Won't Commit' from December 20th:

Dear Terry:

You're right. I had a hard time not answering his phone calls. He was calling me every waking moment. He was caring and supportive. Because of him, I got new inspiration and lost weight. I practiced singing and am focusing on a better career.

He had told me that his brother who lives in Pakistan would be visiting him on Dec 23, with his wife and 2 kids, so he would not be able to see me for New Years. I told him I undersood, but I also told him that it would hurt me if he is seeing other people, or there is no commitment in our relationship. But he said he does not want to be in a committed relationship. It seemed like a committed relationship to me!

Now that his brother or whoever is visiting him, he is not calling me that often. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach! Oh no ! Is he married? Maybe he has a family in Pakistan!

He called me twice yesterday. I did not pick up the phone; I was upset and felt betrayed. I have not told him about my suspicions! Should I?

-Worried



Hi, Worried-

Please stop worrying.

I don't know if the guy is married. If he is, he's dishonest and pathetic. You didn't know, either, so why torture yourself about it?

The bottom line is: He says he's not willing to commit to you. I don't know or care what his reasons are. They don't matter.

Sure, it's hard not to pick up the phone when he calls. You obviously like the guy. But don't pick up. It'll get easier after a while. Ask yourself, "What's really in this relationship for me?"

You lost weight and charted a new course for a career. That's fantastic, but it's probably time to move on. You obviously have a lot going for you.

There are other fish in the sea. Wouldn't you feel better waiting for a better fish to come in than wondering and fretting and racking yourself over a guy who has indicated he's not willing to commit to you?

He's just not worth it.

Terry

Meet Better Men in 2008

Forgive me for repeating myself:

If you want to meet the right guy, you have to know what qualities the right guy should possess. It's up to you to decide what those qualities are.

Right now:

Determine which qualities the right guy for you should have by writing them down. Do you have a pen?

Now, list all the lovely qualities you want in a man: a good sense of humor, a great job, the ability to tell the truth, the willingness to support your dreams, the willingness to be faithful, and so on (it's your list, after all).

If you're having trouble, think back to the last few boyfriends you've endured. Did they have the right qualities? They probably had some of the right qualities, so write them down. But I'll bet they had plenty of the wrong qualities, too. Put those down in a second column. Then write the opposite of the bad quality in the column of good qualities (for example, "keeps me waiting" becomes "respects my time.")

Before long, you will have your list. It will serve you well, so keep it handy.

Big deal, you may be saying to yourself. This is hocus pocus. Wishful thinking. You can't invent a man on paper, you know.

Well, maybe you can and maybe you can't. I'll tell you, this, though: If you go to the supermarket without a list, you come home with a lot of stuff you don't want, don't you? It's the same thing with men.

It helps to have that list around when you're unsure whether some guy you're dating will make you happy in the long run. Consult your list. See if he's worth worth keeping around.

Your list can also help keep you on track if you've been attracted to guys with all the wrong qualities in the past. It'll alert you before you get burned again. It may encourage you to keep a possible winner around long enough to develop an attraction for him. Sometimes we throw kick excellent men to the curb before giving them a chance because we're not used to dating excellent men. They're way out of our comfort zone.

Know what you want, and you're more likely to get it. It sounds good in theory, but if you don't ever pick up that pen, you'll never know how well it works.