Friday, April 02, 2010

He Broke Up With Her, and She's Broken-Hearted

Dear Terry,

My boyfriend just broke up with me because he said that we were getting too serious. He's in the Air Force, and he's deploying in June for six months. I love him, and I want him back.

I don't know what to do. He was so sad when we talked and said that he didn't want to "hold me back" while he was gone. I told him that he wouldn't, that he was what I wanted, but it didn't sway him. It was a very calm conversation, neither of us were yelling and we both really listened to the other, but it still ended with it being over. I feel like he will realize what he's lost in me...or maybe that is just naive hope.

My heart is so broken that I can't even cry about it - I just feel so numb. I know that I should focus on taking care of myself and going after my goals in life. My friends say that he'll either miss me and get in touch or he won't. That makes sense to my head, but my heart... my heart is just shattered.

If there is anything that you think I should do or any advice that you have for me please let me know. This man is kind, smart, funny, honest, respectful and loving. Not that he doesn't have any faults, but although he isn't perfect I feel like he's perfect for me.

Please help.

G in VA


Dear G-

My heart goes out to you. There's nothing worse than being broken up with by someone you love, especially when things were going well, and you thought you had a future together.

Of course you're shattered.You have every right to be. At this point, since you haven't even been able to fully process the breakup, it's really too soon to think about pursuing goals or even going out and trying to have a good time with your friends.

This guy seems to have made up his mind, for better or worse, and I suggest you let him live with his decision. Don't try to change his mind. It puts you in the position of a beggar, and you're better than that.

Instead, spend time trying to accept this breakup. Let it hurt. Accept the hurt. If you can do that, you will make your way to a happier place. I know you don't believe me right now, but you will.

And do take extremely good care of yourself. This means not devising scenes in your head of how you went wrong, and how you could have done things differently to show him that he's crazy to leave you. Leave it alone.

Eat food that nourishes you and makes you happy (in moderation). If there's a trip or an event you've been putting off, and you think you might feel up to it, please do. Speak to yourself as you would a beloved child. Treat yourself tenderly. Avoid people who want to rehash the breakup, who demand "What happened?"

It will also help to keep conversations about the guy to an absolute minimum. You may have trouble getting him out of your head for a while, but the less you speak or hear his name, the easier it will become.

Sure, it's possible he'll change his mind and realize that he made a mistake by letting you go. But it's possible he won't. You can't waste your life wondering. Consider the possibility that the relationship you had with him was just a dress rehearsal for something much, much better.

I wish you every good thing in the world.