Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Get Him to Commit?

Hi, Terry-

This is my first time to your site, and I think your advice is wonderful. Give me your honest advice. I have been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. We don't live together, but he sleeps at my place at least 6 nights a week, and we have a 2-year- old son. Recently, I asked him where our relationship was going, and after a day of silence, his answer was, "I don't want to live together, and I don't want to get married."

We had a huge fight and didn't speak for three weeks. Now he is all loving, and "I miss you, and I don't want us to break up," but after so many years, I am ready for a commitment, and he doesn't want to commit. I spent a long time loving and caring for him, and I think it's clouding my better judgment. I feel confused when I don't think I should be. Any help?


Hello, Confused-

Thanks for the compliment.

You obviously have a lot invested in this relationship because you've been in it for six years, and you have a little boy with the man. So it had to be painful when the guy stonewalled you on the subject of commitment, and then had a huge fight about it.

It doesn't seem fair that he sits on your couch, uses your electricity and your phone, consumes the food you buy, and takes up space in your bed six nights a week, only to flip out when you ask him where the relationship is going.

You say that you spent a lot of time loving and caring for him. Now, let me ask you, has he spent a lot of time loving and caring for you?

Are you satisfied with the relationship?

How do you feel when he's with you?

How do you feel when he's away (confident and secure of your place with him, or scared that he's with someone else)?

How does he care for your child? (Does he share responsibilities with you, or are they your problem?)

If he committed to you, what would that mean? (Would he treat you the way you deserve to be treated, or would you always be fighting for his attention?)

If he doesn't commit to you, what would that mean? (Would you be willing to get over him, spend time giving yourself the love and care you once gave him, and ultimately moving on to another relationship?)

When a man refuses to give you a commitment, there's the possibility that he's doing you a favor. Is he?

I don't have the answers to any of these questions, but you do.

I definitely respect your decision to hold out for what you want, but since he's "all loving" all of a sudden, it's probably getting harder to say no to him. But stick to your guns. He's going to be part of your life because he's the father of your son, but, if he remains unwilling to give you the commitment you want, then he shouldn't be allowed to spend the night at your house, eat your food, or watch your TV.

I hope this helps.