Thursday, March 06, 2008

Online Romeo Wastes Her Time

Dear Terry-

I am confused about something.

I corresponded with a man for a while and asked him a lot of important questions, which he answered. He made me feel like he's the one. He even told me that I could be the one, and to tell my friends that I already have a boyfriend. We met online, of course.

He seemed to have everything I was looking for in a man, but he did not plan to meet me. He said he was going to be very busy and would not be able to give his full attention to a relationship. But then he spoke to me every day for at least 3/4 hours. He is in another state now but will return to my city in a about a year and a half. He is in active duty in the airforce.

Suddenly last week he told me he is going to be deployed to the mid-East for the war. After that, he started to distance himself. So weird.... So I called four days ago about what was the matter. He told me that he is going away, and he does not to be emotionally attached since he does not know what is going to happen. So he does not want to get close or get hurt!

After than, I wrote him an email and mentioned that understand although it is disheartening. He never wrote or called me since then. I felt I deserved a phone call at least, but nothing. So I am letting go. I am very shocked and upset.

Why did he do this?

-Deserving Better

Dear Deserving:

When a person signs up for an online dating service, it's fair to assume they want to meet new people. As soon as this guy told you that he didn't want to meet you due to some lame excuse (i.e., not being able to give his full attention to a relationship), that was your cue to say goodbye and cease taking his calls.

You say he spoke to you every day for three to four hours. I have to ask you: If you truly want a relationship, why would you waste that kind of time talking to a man who refused to meet you. I don't care that he said you could be "the one." And the fact that he told you to tell your friends that you have a boyfriend is flat-out ridiculous. Not to mention presumptuous.

And you should have told him so.

You say you deserve better than this treatment, and you do. So the next time you meet a man online, spend 10 or 12 minutes on the phone with him to determine whether you have anything in common, and if you can detect any repellent habits or attitudes.

The next step is to meet him. (If he lives out-of-state, sure, you can talk to him --briefly-- on the phone once in a while, but you should keep talking to other guys, as well. Keep your options open.)

Meet him in a neutral, public place. Keep the date fun but short. Be friendly and smile, be interested in him and get to know him, but, again, keep it short. It's human nature to want a prize, so be a prize by letting him know you have a full, happy life.

Don't brag or exaggerate. Simply smile warmly and thank him for a lovely time. Then drive yourself home.

If he says he's going to call you, let him call. Do not call him. Do not text him. Do not email him. When he contacts you, be your usual interested, warm, happy self. Again, keep the call to 10 minutes.

If you miss his call, and he leaves a message, call him back. But keep it short (yes, I know I keep repeating myself). If he's truly interested in you, he will make plans to meet you again. If he doesn't make plans, please don't confuse him with someone who's worth your time.

A guy should never get the impression that you are sitting next to the phone, so go about your life as usual. Continue to meet other men until you find yourself in a real relationship with a man who doesn't waste your valuable time with a lot of hot air.

Your first clue that he's full of hot air? He tells you he's going to be "very busy," or that he can't give his full attention to a relationship. As soon as a guy says that, you say, "Next!"

Remember this: Actions speak louder than words.

Jeff Mac from Manslations offers this brilliant advice about men: "When in doubt, start by drop everything he SAID and just look at what he DID."