Monday, October 10, 2005

Falling in Love, Not on Your Head

Dear Terry-

I broke up with my ex-boyfriend of two and a half years almost three years ago now. We broke up because we were too young and needed time to grow. Although we have tried on numerous occasions to get back together, it has never been successful. We've both had other partners since, but we haven't been happy.

Now he has once again come back to me asking me to try again. I love him more than the world itself, and we get on great but there are a few things I don't understand.

1) Why now after three years?
2) Why is it that if he really loves me does he not ring every day?
3) Does he mean it this time?

How do you answer without saying no, but without getting your heart broken all over again? Plus, he says he can't talk to other women. Does that make me a woman of convenience?

We come from two different worlds, as well; he's a party animal, and I'm a bit more quiet. I prefer to enjoy a night with close friends, rather than go out to a busy night club.

-English Tenderheart

Hello, Tender-

You love him, but you're afraid of being hurt. That seems pretty human to me. Even if you didn't have a history with this guy, you'd be afraid of having your heart broken. The rotten thing about embarking on a relationship is that it requires you to make yourself vulnerable.

That said, you can ease your fear a bit by asking this fellow exactly what you asked me. Why doesn't he call every day if he's so crazy about you? He may have a good reason (maybe he's afraid of making himself vulnerable, too, or maybe it's a case of actions not matching up with words). Why does he want you back after three years? Only he can say, so ask him and look him in the eye when he answers. You're both a couple of years older. Is he willing to spend more quiet nights at home these days? If not, how will you feel about it?

Now, if you're afraid that you're a "woman of convenience," the answer here is not to be too convenient. See him (if, after asking the previous questions, you decide he's worth it), but you don't have to see him every day. Keep yourself busy. Continue to see your friends and, whatever you do, never break a date with a friend to be with him (unless, of course, you get a call that he's been rushed to the hospital).

To your happily ever,