Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Benefits of Unattachment

My brother and I discussed the positives of being single last night. Number one would be not negotiating with a significant other about where you're going to spend the holidays. You can enjoy Christmas with your own brothers and sisters without fending off cries of, "We went to your freaking family's last year!"

This is only a plus, of course, if your relatives comprehend that being umarried means your existence remains full of possibilities; you are not some perpetual adolescent whose life is jigging past like Michael Flatley in Lord of the Dance. Singles saddled with unenlightened relations would do well to celebrate Christmas alone in Hawaii.

Another great thing about being single: You will probably not discover an email from Amazon confirming your order for fart pens. What, pray tell, is a fart pen? Well, Dear Reader, I wondered the same thing.

Turns out one of my darling offspring got into my Amazon account while I sawed away on my Nordic Track this morning. She ordered said fart pens, which Amazon describes as thus:

"It's a real pen shaped like a finger and when you pull on it, out will come farting sounds. Great for that boring night of homework or maybe make your friends laugh at this very comical pen."

In case you're wondering, I changed the password on my Amazon account. This should be an interesting summer.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Toastmasters and You

Dating tip: If you want to meet ambitious people set on improving themselves, join a Toastmasters group. Chances are, many members will be spoken for, but you never know who they know.

Expanding your social network is key if you want to meet exciting new people. And, at Toastmasters, you'll develop a valuable new skill, which will certainly come in handy when you thank guests for coming to your wedding.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Senior Citizen Dating Tragedies

Yeah, I know. I haven't been here for a while. Here's the conflict: This is a dating blog. Sometimes I want to write about things other than dating, like movies or food or somebody's husband who pisses me off (actually, there are a few of those).

Peter and I have been out and about lately, in restaurants, bars, and such, and I can tell you a few things:

Senior citizens are clueless about dating.

Case #1: The age 70-plus geezer who came into the bar where Peter and I were waiting for a table with a lovely woman around his own age. Turns out, the guy was out celebrating his birthday. Somebody at the bar offered him three wishes. The birthday pensioner exclaimed, "Every woman here is now a blonde."

Since none of the women present had blonde hair, including the elegant woman he came in with, it's safe to say that the rest of his date didn't go as well as he might have hoped.

Case #2: Squeezed into a small table at a hotspot in Monroe, Connecticut, next to an elderly woman wearing pearls and her date, Peter and I listened to her blather on about "my son," "my daw-tah," her ailments, her landlord, and so on. The poor bastard she came in with didn't get a word in edgewise.

At one point, she bellowed, "I'm gonna get drunk. Do you mind? I wanna get drunk." The guy mumbled, "I don't mind." At this point, Peter raised his eyebrows. How'd we get stuck sitting next to her?

When the check came, the guy sitting next to me sighed with resignation and signed it. His date screamed, "Are you drunk? Awww. You're sobah? That's too bad 'cause I'm really drunk!

Case #3: The recently widowed older man who told me, "I don't understand women. I never have." Here's a tip, Buddy: Treat other people as you'd have them treat you, and you should be okay.

Saw The Breakup last night with H. and V. Hilarious and right on the money! What I probably will avoid is the movie featured in a trailer starring Kate Hudson, Matt Dillon, and Owen Wilson. It looked like it might have a few dumb laughs, but Kate Hudson appeared half-dressed in almost all the shots. You might as well do Playboy videos, Kate. What you're doing ain't acting.

A movie called Acceptance, featuring one of my heroes, Lewis Black, looks promising. I will see it. I will also see Clerks 2 before I see the thing with Kate Hudson.