Monday, May 24, 2010

He's Single, Celibate, and Loving It

Dear Terry,

I think I used the Law of Attraction to attract this man in my life, but I may not have been specific enough! Met a guy a year ago on a photo shoot, I was shooting his friend. He was friendly said he would contact me about pictures shortly.

Contacted me about 9 months later for pics. He said he was a personal trainer, and he could train me for free if I wanted because he enjoyed it.

So he emailed me like every morning what I needed to get done for the day, we met up several weeks later to discuss everything. I tell him I need to get in shape for sister's wedding, and he says I'll be ready. Then later that night he emails me and asks me if he could escort me to the wedding. I say yes. He has also told me that he is so happy that I am in his life, and I am a joy in his life, and he has met a lot of women, and I have a special gift.

He continues to invite me places with his friends, and to group activities, but has never asked me out on a one-on-one. He is very spiritual and into church and God. He has said that he doesn't want me to hook him up with anybody because he enjoys just being single and hanging with his friends. He is currently celibate and waiting for marriage, but he has had sex before.

I invited him to group activity with my friends and he said, if I want him there he will be there, so he is willing to be on my turf.

I have heard his best friend say that I'm a keeper, but the guy has never actually professed to want to be with me.

I am totally falling for this man, and I am unsure if he is just making me a really good friend, or if he has an interest in dating me and may be just moving really slow because he doesn't date frivolously. I am afraid to ask if this is going anywhere because if I don't know I can still dream, and also, if he is just going to be a friend then that's great because he's a wonderful person. Also, the wedding has been pushed back two seasons, and he still says he will take me, which means he expects to be around then. Mixed signals?

Please Help!

-What's the Deal With This Guy?


Dear What's the Deal:

You write:

"I am unsure if he is just making me a really good friend, or if he has an interest in dating me and may be just moving really slow because he doesn't date frivolously."

You're unsure, but it's not your job to sit around doing mental gymnastics to figure out what this guy wants to do. It's his job to open his mouth and be absolutely clear about it. "You have a special gift" and "You are a joy in my life" are lovely statements, but they pale in comparison to, "I'm crazy about you, and I can't imagine life without you" or even "How about you and I try that new restaurant on Saturday?"

Right now, he's having fun being single and hanging with his friends. He's in no rush to do anything else. He likes you, obviously, but he's going to live according to his timetable and nobody else's. That's his prerogative, but are you going to put your life on hold so he can escort you to a wedding? Think of all the other (possibly more suitable) men you might miss out on by fixating on this one individual.

You say you're falling for him, but I recommend you take very good care of yourself and slowly back away. Seriously, what are you supposed to do? Wait around to find out if he's ever going to date you properly?

I don't suggest you back away out of spite or a desire to "make him miss me." Your goal is to protect yourself and perhaps make yourself available to meet someone even better. Right now, you are so caught up in this guy's "greatness" that you couldn't recognize a better man if he bit you on the leg.

Back away. Be less available to accept this fellow's invitations (you don't have to cut him off completely, but say yes less often). If you have other friends, go out with them. If you don't, make new friends. By all means, widen your social circle and take advantage of all the fun opportunities that come your way.

In the meantime, look at this as a chance to clarify what you want: To fall in love with a man who loves you and is clear about it. If it's not this guy, it will surely be someone else.

Which means, when the time comes, you may not be around to take Mr. Single and Hanging With His Friends to your sister's wedding, after all.