Saturday, February 28, 2009

He Didn't Call. Now What?

He said he'd call.

He didn't, and right now you're upset. You don't know why he didn't. All you know is, you were looking forward to seeing him again. You liked him. He seemed to like you. Heck, you KNOW he liked you.

So, why didn't he call?

Well, it probably had nothing to do with something you did or said, so stop worrying. If he said he'd call, it was up to him to live up to his word and actually do it. The fact that he didn't says more about him than it does about you.

So what now?

Here's what YOU WON'T do:

-Call him

-Text him

-Email him

-Get a friend to call him

-"Accidentally" bump into him in a club or bar where
you know he's apt to hang out.

Here's what YOU WILL do:

-Tell yourself that a guy who doesn't keep promises might not be
too much of a loss

-Treat yourself really, really well; remind yourself you're a treasure
yet to be discovered.

Here's what YOU MIGHT do:

-Call a good friend and go out for dinner, a movie, coffee, a drink--
something fun. (No crying in your beer.)

-Rent a movie (Broken English is a good romantic drama, Forgetting
Sarah Marshall
is hilarious, and The Holiday is good fun, too). Curl up with a blanket and a bowl of popcorn

Tomorrow morning, congratulate yourself for NOT contacting the guy. You haven't appeared insecure, needy, or desperate. Hold your head up.

Now, it's possible (wouldn't be the first time), he'll come to his senses and call you during the week. When he asks you out again, tell him sorry, but you're busy (and just to keep things honest, go out and make yourself busy!).

The worst thing you can do is be easily available to a person who said he'd call and didn't (put yourself in his place: You tell a guy you'll call. You don't. You finally get around to calling, and he drops everything to be with you. Turn on or turn off? You tell me).

Make him work a bit to see you again. Give yourself a few days to decide whether he's even worth it.

Now, if the guy doesn't ever call, once again consider the very real possibility he's done you a very big favor. A guy who doesn't keep his word is probably very poor boyfriend material.

And you can do better. What's more, you deserve better.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Divorced and Met a Seemingly Great Guy: Should She Go for It?


I reached a point where I thought there no good men since I kept on meeting one loser after another. I was tired of always initiating calls, dates, etc with men. Since I was put on your mailing list, I have changed. I don’t initiate anything with men. I let them do the chase.

I've been divorced for the past 11 months. My husband then was really abusive. I've met a few men then who have been equally losers. They don’t call when they say they will, they are never romantic, they are emotionally distant and always making me feel like am an option in their lives.

A month ago however, didn’t I meet a nice man? He is divorced also. He makes me feel like am the centre of his world. Am the first person he talks to when he wakes up and the last person he calls before he sleeps. He opens doors for me. My happiness is his interest. So far, he makes me feel appreciated. If he says he will call or come to see me and he doesn’t, he calls to apologize. He is like one of those perfect men from a movie or a novel.

Problem is am 27, he is 37. Can this age difference be a problem? Secondly, do you think because we are both divorced, this can be a problem?

-Need to know

Dear Need to know-

I don't think your age difference is a problem at all. A good friend of mine told me just Tuesday about her 43-year-old brother's happy marriage to a 33-year-old woman. She says they're on the same wavelength, enjoy the same things, and laugh all the time.

So if you enjoy this man's company, have a lot in common, and he treats you well, go for it!

Furthermore, I don't think the fact that both of you are divorced necessarily presents a problem. Obviously, you had a good reason for ending your marriage. We hope he had a good reason for ending his, but as you get to know him, it should come out.

Since you were in an abusive relationship before, I recommend that you really get to know this man. Do take it slowly. A lot of us (raising hand here!) have a problem of attracting the same type of person over and over. And while I'm not saying this is the case here, it's only been a month since you met this guy. It's a good idea to give the relationship time to make sure he doesn't exhibit any of your ex-husband's bad qualities.

You deserve the best. Be alert, take things slowly, and above all, enjoy yourself!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

How Many Men Can You Meet in 100 Days?

Manifesting Mr. Right author Ronnie Ann Ryan once again offers her 100-Day Challenge, where she'll show you how to shake up your dating life by meeting 50 new men. (Because of vacation, I'm a little late in announcing the Challenge, but you can still get in).

Ronnie says: "You really can meet 50 men in just 100 days. This program will help you at whatever stage of the dating journey you're in. Sometimes active daters join to get new insights, while others may not have dated in a while. The Fall Challenge was a huge success."

Get the full story here.

For free tips on what not to say when you meet those men, click here.

Monday, February 23, 2009

How She Met a Man Who Makes Her Happy

I'm back from vacation, and what a neat surprise to read Susan Courtad's blog and find a post detailing how she met and started a relationship with her boyfriend of eight months. Lots of inspiration here.

Susan's an attractive, clever, funny single working mother who endured a traumatic divorce, and then some bumps along the dating road.

In addition to her blog, One Woman Show, Susan is shopping around a novel and also writes Dinner for One at the Imperfect Parent.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Sailing Away

DA(A)D will be on hiatus for a little while. The family and I are going to the Caribbean (between just packing and getting the house in order for the sitter, we need a vacation). Hope to have good stuff to tell you when I get back.

In the meantime, I've scheduled a couple of posts for next week to Single Women Rule. Check 'em out and, if you're so inclined, leave a comment.

Love to hear from you!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Chris Brown's Alleged Assault of Rihanna

Wishing her well. Hope she'll get away and stay away. Once a guy hits, it's time to go.

Monday, February 09, 2009

Too Much Pressure for Valentine's Day?

I'm not wild about Valentine's Day.

I'm not sure why. It's not as if I'm haunted by tragic childhood memories, or anything. Our mother used to buy my siblings and me medium chocolate hearts and set them on our dinner plates. (She set a big one on our father's dinner plate.)

My parents bought each other mushy cards every single year. Sometimes they'd go out and, unbeknownst to the other, buy the same card.

They had a happy marriage all year round, so they hardly needed a commercially-mandated holiday to show their affection. I didn't understand it. Still, you might think I'd develop more respect for the annual day of love and romance.

I just never did.

Maybe it's the TV commercials that imply that if a man doesn't present a woman with just the right token on Valentine's Day, he'll never have sex again. Or the ads that make people who won't be on the receiving end of a gift feel defective (um, I've been there).

Then, there's that dinner thing. I love to go out to eat (and do almost every chance I get), but since I've been in a relationship, I avoid restaurants on Valentine's Day like a sinus infection. Oh, we tried it: wedged into a tiny table in a sea of tiny tables, stuck with an abbreviated menu (magically missing the particular salmon dish I actually wanted to eat), having to endure don't-let-the-door-kick-you-on-the-way-out service.

Nah. We'll eat at home, thanks.

But I have to admit, Peter and I have had decent Valentine's Days, for sure. One of the best on record had us -- pre-children -- making English muffin pizzas before heading to Tower Records with the gift certificates my brother gave us for Christmas. (At the time, we were aggressively saving for our first house.)

We've upgraded from English muffins since then, but by now you've probably figured out that our marriage hardly provides a boost to the diamond industry. Other women feel differently, of course.

I mean, obviously.

And, judging by all the lingerie displays we come across at this time of year, Valentine's Day is also a commercially-mandated day for sex. (This cracks me up.)

But maybe you -- like much of the rest of the population -- really do enjoy Valentine's Day, and you're wondering what the heck to buy that guy of yours. The Today Show reports that lots o' ladies plan to offer frame-worthy photos of themselves in their new lingerie this year.

Friday, February 06, 2009

In Love With a Married Man (Why Won't He Leave His Wife?)

Dear Terry,

I am writing to you out of frustration. I do not know if you would reply my email, but I would like to find a way out of my problem, so I write this email still.

Once, I had a relationship with a married man. However, one day he wanted to break up because he thinks our relationship is wrong and he does not want to make his life complicated. Upon hearing that, I reacted strongly since I love him dearly and I am quite sure he loves me too. I begged, cried, shouted at him. You name it. At first, he still answered my calls and talked to me, though coolly. Nevertheless, one day he asked me not to contact him anymore.

A few months later, his wife sent me a message confronting my relationship with him. I was very shocked because I had never thought he would confess to her. At that time, I was furious at him for not only breaking up with me but also exposing our relationship to his wife. Yet, my fury did not last long. Several days later, I realized that I still love him. This happens all the time I feel angry, even until now.

Becoming another woman is unpopular, so I could not discuss my relationship freely with my friends. There are very few who finally know because I feel I am about to burst keeping this inside my chest for so long. My friends suggest letting him go because he is not worthy and because our relationship is wrong and impossible (our religious belief does not allow divorce). However, deep inside my heart I want him and only him. I love him and only him. That is why I ignore my friends' suggestions and practice affirmation.

I have been practicing affirmation for about 1 year with no clear results. It is difficult to keep on practicing (and I do easily discouraged) when the facts are not favourable towards me (Honestly, I should say that things spiraled down afterwards) and my friends do not support me (I hate when they tell me to move on). I could not picture myself with another but I don't know how to get back with him. I have tried every way possible and acceptable for me, but still no results.

This problem has really clipped my spirit and robbed my peace of mind that it starts affecting my work and my social relations. Do you have any suggestion whatsoever? Thank you so much, at least for reading this far.

-In Love

Dear In Love,

I am so sorry about the unhappiness and frustration you're feeling.

Here is the truth: The man left the relationship, and no effort (mental, emotional, or physical) can bring him back. He is gone to you.

Affirmations work in drawing the right person to you; you specify the qualities you want in a man. You don't specify which particular man you want because that person may not be the right one for you. And a married man just isn't.

Have you ever thought about what it would really be like if he fulfilled your fantasy and left his wife for you? Over time, would his guilt over the situation cause him to resent you? Would your guilt cause you to resent him? Would you worry that because he left one woman for you, he would one day leave you for another woman?

It doesn't matter if he loves you, or if he doesn't. He knows the relationship is wrong, and he can't live with it. He's not going to live with it.

You say you love him and can't picture yourself with anyone else. You are living in a self-imposed prison when you deserve to be free and happy.

Let yourself get used to the fact that this man isn't coming back. Accept it. Let it hurt. And then you can start to feel better. Since you can't picture yourself with anyone else, don't. You're not ready yet.

You need time on your own. Spend time taking very good care of yourself, doing the things you liked doing before this man entered the picture. Treat yourself as you would a beloved child. Before long, the curtain will lift and the sun will filter in, and you'll feel your first glimmer of happiness.

Please take me seriously. You need to take steps to reclaim your life, or you'll wake up five years from now, still stuck but sadder and older.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I wish you the very best.


Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Unrequited Love Hurts No Matter How Old -- or Young -- You Happen to Be

Hey, Terry!

Thank you for all your amazing emails! Really, they've helped me a lot! Even though I'm just a teenager, I go through all that bullsh*t guys and men give us, and I hate being used and taken advantage of.

But I have another issue, and its one-sided love. I've loved a guy for almost 8 years, ever since we were little kids, and we grew up together. He acted like he loved me back, and he would always ask me to do everything for him, and I did and he never said thank you or showed any kind of appreciation, and I feel really bad because I know he used me, and all that love I've had for him for such a long time was for nothing. But I moved on, I think....

I mean I stopped doing things for him and even talking to him, and now he's in a relationship with someone. I can't stand it! I just hate seeing them walk together or hold hands. And the thing is I can't love anyone else but him. I don't know why. Maybe its because I'm so used to loving him? Please help me! I'm so depressed.

-Sick of it

Dear Sick of it-

The guy you describe sounds like an opportunist. That doesn't change the fact that you care for him, but I suspect that one of these days you'll realize he was never worthy of your affection in the first place. You'll run into him on the street and think, "What the heck was I thinking?"

In the meantime, you're in pain. The best way to get over it is to let yourself feel it. Then write down a list of the things you didn't like about this guy (come on; you know there were at least two). We tend to attribute all sorts of glowing qualities to the objects of our affection, especially when they're with someone else, but the truth is nobody is perfect. And this guy certainly isn't.

Every time his face wafts into your mind, whip out that list and remind yourself how annoying he could be at times.

And, instead of beating yourself up because he didn't choose you, consider the possibility that he did you a favor. He's somebody else's problem now. Also consider the possibility that time wounds all heels; perhaps someday someone will use him the way he used you. (Hate to sound vindictive, but it really is critical to treat others as you would have them treat you. Apparently, nobody told him.)

You know what they say: What goes around, comes around. Karma's a bitch. And, as my mother used to say, "Life has a way of catching up with people."

Treat yourself kindly. Write down a list of the things you like about yourself. Write a list of the things other people like about you, as well. Read it every time you start to feel down.

Consider the fact that you have a great deal to offer the boy or man who will be lucky enough to catch you.