More About Friends

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."
-Mark Twain

I love Mark Twain. Peter and I had our wedding reception in the house he once owned, Tappan Hill, located in Tarrytown, New York. For my birthday a couple of weeks ago, we drove up to Hartford to check out the house he lived in during his peak of literary fame (yeah, I know; it's a weird way to celebrate a birthday, but we did go out for dinner afterwards!).

This week, I've been dwelling on the many benefits of friendship, and I like the quote by Twain that opens this post. Viveca Stone-Berry, a friend of mine, has published a bunch of others about friendship on her website to benefit animal programs through the sale of some very funny greeting cards.

Photo credit: Richard H. Stone

How to Deal with a Guy Who Distances Himself

Terry,

What do you think is the most constructive way to deal with distancing behaviour from a guy? He says he has some personal issues to sort out, and he does want to see me, but not yet.

I have given him the space he needs and cut contact completely. I have put myself back on the dating scene again.

If he does call in the future, I dont want to play games, but I am going to be somewhat unavailable.

Do you agree, and how do you do this well?

Sian

Hello, Sian-

Congratulations on getting back on the dating scene. Pat yourself on the back for avoiding contact. You're not waiting around for this guy, and that's a very good thing indeed. Your behavior demonstrates self-resepect, and that's attractive.

If the guy should call you again, I definitely understand your reluctance to play games (it falls under the Golden Dating Rule of "Treat him as you would have him treat you, and if he doesn't treat you as you would treat him, hit the highway).

However, if and when this man comes around, being less available is not playing games. He hasn't earned any rights to your time. Playing games entails looking hard to get. The key is to actually enjoy a full life by making plans with friends, dating other guys (as you're already doing), and keeping busy doing things you love.

Let Mr. Not-Ready-to-See-You earn your attention.

Remember this: Every human being, man or woman, wants to date a prize. Nobody wants to date the person who jumps when the phone rings. By keeping busy, you've eliminated the possibility of being that person.

Now...

I realize that this sounds just dandy, but it doesn't mean much when you obviously like this guy, and he's made himself unavailable.

It hurts.

And it's possible that you can't fully enjoy the other guys you're dating while your heart is set on this fellow who may or may not get around to making you a priority.

The best advice I can give you here is -- and please don't gag --to work on loving yourself. I am dead serious.

You may be thinking, hey, I do love myself. Well, that's probably true to some extent, but love yourself some more. When you love yourself, the good things you attract will amaze you.

It's possible this guy who currently eludes you will pick up on your heightened self-regard and recognize you for the good thing you are. Or, it's possible you'll lose interest (painlessly) in him altogether, and you'll fall for another guy who's totally into you and never lets you forget it.

Now how do you reach these new heights of self-love, you ask? Well, I strongly suggest you start repeating this very effective affirmation:

"I, Sian, deeply and completely love and accept myself."

If you say it as you're looking in the mirror, I suspect it will freak you out. And that's a good thing because you'll realize that you have a little work to do in the self-love department. Keep it up.

Repeat it out loud (privately!) at least 25 times a day. You will feel a shift in your feelings and behavior in a week or so. What's more, you'll see a shift in the circumstances and people you attract.

If I haven't convinced you to try it, please consider this: It's been said that you cannot really love someone else until you love yourself, but I've found that no one else can love you until you love yourself, either.

You deserve the very best in life, Sian, and I suspect you already know that's quite a bit more than a guy who wants to see you, "but not yet."

Go for it.