I Would Marry You, Stephen Colbert, If Only I Weren't Already Married

And if only you weren't married!

But you are, and I am. That said, I want to congratulate you on your patriotic and inspiring speech at Saturday night's White House Correspondents' Dinner. Perhaps the reason you got so few laughs is because you told the sorry, pathetic truth.

And, boy, does the truth hurt.

I thought for sure that a big white hook would pop out and sweep you from my admiring gaze, or that Laura Bush would decapitate you with her steak knife.

I applaud your courage, Sir.

Dating for the Shy

If you don't know what to say when you meet men, keep the focus on him. Ask him what he likes to do on weekends, what movies he's seen recently, and so on. Don't ask questions that result in a 'yes' or 'no.'

If you ask a guy what he did over the weekend, he might say he went fishing. Then you can ask how long he's been fishing, where he likes to fish, when he started fishing, what he likes about fishing, and so on. People love to talk about things they love, and the fact that you're interested makes you interesting.

Don't worry about what to say next.

Here's the formula: Ask a question, listen to the answer, ask another question. Avoid making inquiries about religion or political affiliation, at least until you get to know the man better. Right now, the goal is to get the guy talking about things he likes to do. He will think you're a brilliant conversationalist.

And, then if the guy has any personality whatsoever, he'll want to know about you. So tell him a little something. Relax: A little information goes a long way, and since you're shy, you may come off as mysterious, which is a good thing. He'll want to get to know you better.

Who wouldn't?