Monday, March 31, 2008

My Boyfriend, Bret Michaels

All right, you're not going to believe this (and I'm ashamed to admit it), but last night after watching Rock of Love 2 With Bret Michaels and then Law and Order SVU, I went to bed and had a dream about Bret Michaels.

Yes, it was that kind of dream!

I mean, it's 11:15 the next day, and I still haven't gotten over it.

I wonder what misfired in my subconscious to bring on such an event. It really was something, I must say, although Bret managed to keep his bandana on the whole time.

Which brings me to last night's show.

What is it with this man and headgear? He's increasingly dissatisfied to hide what we imagine is a bald spot with a mere bandana. Twice in last night's episode, he appeared wearing a brimmed hat on top of a bandana. Although he's done it before, I believe he used to limit this fashion statement to just once per episode.

Anyway, last night Bret revealed that he's falling in love with Daisy, who's in deep debt due to a boob job, according to Heather, an LSE from last season who's now "good friends" with Bret and was brought along to uncover the truth in "this house of lies."

Heather did her very best to get Daisy eliminated. It's clear that ol' Heather has a conflict of interest; she's still hot for Bret herself, but I do think that she'd be a great match for him. Their table manners are equally appalling.

As usual, with about 10 minutes or so left in the show, Bret threw up his hands. He announced that he was "done" for the evening with the fighting LSEs (at one point, the always-volatile Destiney threw a drink at Daisy) and left his whipping boy, the fawning and also bandana-ed John, to clean up the mess.

I thought Destiney would get the heave-ho after Bret voiced his fears that if she became his girlfriend, she might smack around some girl with a backstage pass after one of his shows. Heaven forbid Bret ever jeopardize his relationship with a girl with a backstage pass!

You'd think, though, that a 45-year-old guy who claims he wants to fall in love (instead of lust) would limit time with groupies, or maybe that's just crazy me.

After all, I'm the one who finds Bret repulsive, and then allowed him to visit me in my dreams.

Friday, March 28, 2008

He's the Touching Kind, Not the Marrying Kind

Hi, Terry-

Many people have advised never to ask where I stand with a guy, but I saw this particular man for 5 months. Then he broke it off because he can't see a future between us (his father and family would not approve of him marrying a woman from a different race). I stayed out of his way, and he stayed away for a while.

Then he came back.

Once he did, he repeatedly invited me for coffee.

Now he touches me unnecessarily and uses terms of endearment. He asked to come over to my house, saying he needed to borrow some items for work. I agreed, and soon after he arrived, he was all over me. I asked him what had caused this change in him, and he said nothing had changed.

He said he enjoys my company and having a laugh. I told him to get his hands off me, which he did, but after he left, he started calling me repeatedly. I ignored him for a while, but I missed him.

My friends say I should clarify with him about where I stand, but this seems to conflict with your advice not to ask a man about this. Do you think he's a player? He seems very confused about life in general.

What do you think?

-Should I Stay or Should I Go?


Dear Should-

Every time I read your letter, I get a little madder. The guy you describe is flat-out ridiculous.

As for the advice not to ask where you stand, my feeling is a woman should always know where she stands. A man should be communicating this in a straightforward, honest fashion. If he does not, she should assume he is not worth her time.

Communication is a two-way street. It's not one person lying awake at night wondering what the other person meant when they said this and meant when they did that.

The man you describe is hardly being straightforward (touching you after telling you his father will not agree to a relationship with you, for example). He is not considering anybody else's feelings but his own. Take a step back and look at him objectively. His behavior is sad and unattractive.

(The father excuse is a cop-out of the most pathetic order, by the way.)

The fact that he acted hurt when you accused him of being a player is beyond annoying. I don't know if he's a player, but I certainly think you can do better than a man who is "all over you" but tells you he can't have a relationship because you come from a different race. (Forgive me; I'm repeating myself, but I still can't get past this nonsense.)

Clearly, you're attracted to this man, or you wouldn't have written. One way to kill attraction is to write down a list of things you don't like about him (making lame excuses about his inability to become involved with you can be Item #1, and his confusion about life can be Item #2).

Whip out this list and read it whenever you're tempted to think, "this guy really likes me, but he doesn't want to risk offending his family."

Please stay away from him. You don't owe him a single explanation. If you must, tell him, "I'm not getting involved with a man who can't stand up to his family." Or if that's too much, tell him, "Sorry, I can't get involved with a guy who doesn't know a good thing when he sees it."

The next time he says he wants a cup of coffee, give him directions to Starbucks. If he asks to borrow any of your belongings for work, tell him to try an office supply store.

-Terry

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Why Did He Back Off?

Dear Terry-

There is this dude who I've known for about 3-5 years now. He's really sociable. We met through friends. Eventually, if we saw each other out and about, we'd strike up a conversation.

Within the last year, we started speaking on Facebook. Then we exchanged numbers, but still strictly as friends until only in the last three months have we started talking regularly.

At first there was a question about his intentions. . . being the sociable guy that he is I had to specifically ask him was he interested in me or just being friendly. I should have known because we were talking all day sometimes (like 6 hours at a time when neither one of us had to work), and we spoke every day as well.

Well, over the last three days, he has seemed distant to me, and I ignored it at first because he travels for work and had been out of town for a few days, he attended a funeral the previous week, and he might have wanted or spend time with his family for Easter.

But then I decided I couldn't ignore it: We weren't even connecting on the phone as we had been doing all along, and I felt the difference immediately after he'd told me I was being lazy for procrastinating on some work I had to do.

I was very offended because he did kind of pull my card. My procrastination is an issue that I deal with but at the same time, I am doing okay for myself. ( I'll be 26 in a month. Am student teaching as one of the final phases of a master degree I'm working on. I freelance as a fashion stylist in my spare time.)

I might just be on the offense but earlier today he made a comment about "Why do you have to wear makeup? Why don't you just go natural?" when I jokingly said, "I'm putting my face on," as I was on the phone with him and getting ready to go to the store.

He said it in a tone of disgust though so coupled with the comment about me being lazy - I'm thinking he's forming reasons not to be into me anymore ( too analytical?)

Back to the lazy comment: It really hurt because I know this is one of the traits that he hates in people. He loves a goal-oriented woman, and this is one of the things he once gave me props on.

He himself is really focused on moving from the city and finding a good job out of state. Although I know it will probably be over once he leaves, I've been willing to follow my emotions because I haven't allowed myself to open up to anyone in so long, and since he slipped in as a friend it has been easier, the communication WAS free-er and it feels/felt good!

Also I was encouraged by a text he sent that said, "Don't say that. When and if I do leave doesn't mean you have to leave my life. I hope we don't stop." So here I am thinking we're on the same page -- as my friend he learned all about the kind of stuff I'd been through in relationships and vise versa. He even said to me something along the lines of, "I don't understand, you're a beautiful girl. You're smart. You seem cool, and easy to get along with, etc. . etc. " Just giving me all kinds of praise to the point where I had to ask him was he interested in me as more than a friend.

Today I finally said something about the distance I felt forming between us, and he kind of snapped (though he might say he didn't because I've told him to check his volume before - and I'm still learning the difference between him just getting excited on a subject, and getting like abrasive). First thing he says "man, i hate when ppl say that . . . so what are you saying, you wanna see me everyday. is that what you're saying" As a result, I feel like, this has been an issue before, and it isn't just me. He was taking something out on me from someone else he dated, and most important, we must not be on the same page far as what we want because i'm not unreasonable.

I'm fine with not seeing someone everyday - duh - but at the same time, if I like being around you and you've told me you like my company too, then why wouldn't my natural desire be to want to see you daily? Even if I am okay, and not going to trip about it if we don't.

My problem, that I can't seem to explain to him (verbal communication is hard for me) is not with not seeing him but that I'm not feeling the connection that I felt just a few days ago when he first got back in town.

I don't know if I've come on too strong and he is taking a step back and I should let it fade out and move on ( I did meet someone today when I forced myself to get out the house -- bought some paper clips, and file folders at the store) OR is there something I should or can say to him?

Thank you for your time. This got a lot longer than I expected it to.

-Too Lazy for Love?


Dear You're Not Lazy-

Please do me a favor and re-read your letter (I edited the first couple of paragraphs, but you still get the drift).

Here's a guy who kept you on the phone for six hours on his days off, and then blanched when he got the notion you'd be interested in seeing more of him in person.

You're finishing your Master's Degree, and you freelance as a fashion stylist. And this guy calls you lazy. And you wonder if you measure up to his expectations for a goal-oriented woman. Give me a break.

And then he makes a snide comment about your makeup. (First you're a "beautiful girl," and now you wear too much makeup). What is he going to comment about next? Your hair? Your weight?

It seems to me that this guy spends so much time on the phone and Facebook because he's got a problem. No woman is ever going to meet his expectations because he probably can't even meet his expectations for himself. (When he called you lazy was he really talking about you? Or about himself? Because he spends an awful amount of time on the phone to qualify as Action Jackson).

But enough about him.

I'm no psychologist, but several things concern me:

- You are utterly wrapped up in what this very critical guy thinks.

- You worried if he was being friendly, or if he was truly interested in you. You shouldn't have had to wonder. He's a big boy and should be able to clearly communicate his intentions. (If a guy isn't clear about his intentions, back away until he gets with the program.)

-You say you have trouble communicating yourself. I'm not getting a sense of this from your letter, but if you say so, I'll believe you. If this is truly the case, practice expressing your feelings. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Expect the same from other people.

You asked whether you should move on. Yes, by all means, do. Stay out there, keep meeting people, keep developing your communication skills, learn to expect better communication from the men you go out with. Expect encouragment from them, instead of sniping.

Since I was not in the room when this guy made the comments about you being lazy and wearing too much makeup, it's possible he was joking around. But it doesn't explain the "Man, I hate it when people say that..." comment.

It's a bit ridiculous for him to expect you to invest six hours of your day talking to him on the phone, and then he can't even get off his rump to meet you somewhere and look you in the eye for a couple of hours.

The majority of a relationship should be spend face-to-face, not online or on the phone (if you're in the same area; when you're not, both parties should make an effort to see one another whenever possible).

Oh, yes: He is moving out of state (or so he says). I don't care what he said about keeping you in his life, it's entirely possible you deserve much more than to be there. So keep your options open. If he calls you again, set an egg timer. After five minutes, give him the heave-ho.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Exciting Law of Attraction Resource

I enjoy reading the Good Vibe Blog by Law of Attraction Coach Jeannette Maw.

I came across two entries that may interest you. The first has to do with the Eliot Spitzer debacle, and the second discusses what Jesus might have made of deliberate creation (translation: getting what you want, whether it's a relationship or several thousand fish and loaves of bread).

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Getting Past a Bad Face Day

I received this lovely response to my post about how to feel attractive when you just don't:

Excellent advice, Terry! I can confirm that what you have advised this reader really works. I'm 39 and all my colleagues thinks I'm much younger. When they make comments about age and "me being much younger" (they're mostly 40 or in their early 40s), I keep quiet and don't comment. I look much younger than most 35 year olds and many people actually think I'm younger than 35 too! I affirm every day that "I am a wise, sexy, and beautiful woman" and you know what happens? I FEEL like a sexy and beautiful woman! It really does work.

I was especially happy to receive this message yesterday when I, myself, was suffering a Bad Face Day of the highest order, having spent Easter weekend in a succession of restaurants. Let's face it; even some so-called better eateries boost the taste of their food with MSG and God-knows-what-else.

So I woke up yesterday looking like I'd been shot out of a cannon: Puffy eyes, swollen cheeks, a pimple the size of Michigan on my chin (I'm serious; you could stake a flagpole on it).

It's so easy to get down in the dumps about this stuff, especially since I had to go to the dentist yesterday morning and lie under a honking fluorescent light. But, as I sat in the waiting room, I leafed through one of those supermarket rags, Star, that I usually scoff at. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was attracted by the cover story, "Stars Without Their Makeup." (Did I mention that I'm ashamed to admit this?)

Most of the stars actually looked pretty much the way you'd expect them to without makeup, a little sleepy, perhaps, but not bad. However, two photos really struck me.

The first was of the biggest model in the universe today, and (again, not proud to admit this) it thrilled me to see that she really does benefit a great deal from the judicious application of makeup and false eyelashes.

The second photo was of a major reality TV star, who's normally downright bewitching. But, without makeup, her complexion is riddled with dark spots and shadows.

And then, when I got back to my computer, I found the lovely message from a reader, which really buoyed me and reminded me to take my own advice. Which I did.

I'm glad to report that I look and feel much better today, although the pimple remains stationed on my chin and will probably not retreat until the weekend. Eyes are no longer puffy and cheeks have deflated to their normal proportions, though, thank God.

Fie on restaurants who use MSG and chemical spices and hydrogenated oil! If that poison makes you look bad on the outside, what's it doing to you on the inside?

Stay far, far away.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Rolling that Rock of Love Off a Cliff

There's nothing like celebrating Easter with a little Rock of Love 2, starring hair band frontman Bret Michaels and an assortment of bandanas that I truly hope are American-made.

I spent much of the episode wondering if Bret has a soul. After watching him plead for donations to aid the victims of the 2003 Station nightclub fire in Rhode Island, I am beginning to think he might. However, it doesn't explain why he insists that the winner of the cheesy competition for his so-called love must not have any emotional or physical attachments to other men, while he remains free to spread his bodily fluids around with whomever will accept them.

To find out the truth about the contestants in the "house of lies," Bret summoned the former lovers of Ladies of Low Self-Esteem. In the hopes of getting the boys to rat out their exes, he tried to get them loaded at a bar in a mall. Judging by the expressions on some of their faces (particularly Ambre's friend, who seemed like a geniunely decent guy), they saw Bret for the poseur he truly is. I don't think hanging out in a mall bar jibed with their idea of the life of a rock star. Or even the life of a guy who pretends to be a rock star, like Bret.

At the end of the show, Bret eliminated Megan, the 22-year-old who calls everybody over the age of 30 -- except Bret -- "old." Last week, she sniped that 32-year-old Ambre couldn't keep up because, "What do you expect? She's an old lady."

Yeah, well, the old lady is still 13 years younger than Bret Michaels. Heck, she's probably younger than some of his bandanas.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Dating Advice From a Married Couple Who Met Online

It's great when you attract like-minded people into your orbit. I did just that this week when I found an email in my box from Scot McKay, a dating coach and blogger, introducing himself and his wife, Emily.

I gave Scot a call. He told me that he and Emily, who met online, are passionate about helping other people meet their matches and to "never, ever settle."

We discovered that we share several philosophies about what it really takes to meet the person of one's dreams, including a "treat others as you would have them treat you, and (every bit as important) have others treat you as you would treat them " approach to dating.

Emily has written a free 8-Part Mini-Course called "16 Generally Accepted But Disastrous Dating Principles." Click here to check it out.

I'm delighted that Scot posted my article, "Flirting 101 (For Men and Women)" to his dating advice blog today. It may take a couple of seconds to load, so if you'd like to read it, please be patient.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

How to Feel Attractive to Men (When You Don't Feel Attractive)

Hi, Terry-

You know when you're over 40 (just, lol) and working, with loads of other responsibilities/drains on all resources? Well it can be very demanding just getting from one day to the next. Add to this the worry about how rapidly looks seem to fade, it's more difficult than ever to stay in top form when you meet someone and you're out there dating again.

Can you add some of your no-nonsense advice on this general theme. As you know, I'm going through changes in outlook and life, the excitement of following your advice is bringing all sorts of improvements, I'd just like something to help me stay on track during the more jaded times. It can be a real challenge not to fall back into the negative unhealthy patterns, and I've learnt that this thinking leads women (me) to make bad/desperate decisions.

But feeling like a desirable, wonderful woman when you're worn out just surviving, well, I'm only hitting it in spots. I definitely feel older and see changes in my appearance and body, it's beginning to gnaw at me a bit regarding my attractiveness to men. Although, look at the plonkers I attracted when I was in my 20s and wrinkle free!

Thanks for your ongoing dedication to women and improved relationships.

Regards,

-C.


Hello, C.-

Thanks for a question I can really sink my teeth into.

When I was in my 20s, I read a fabulous book that seriously changed my life called The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy, PhD.

This fellow, Dr. Murphy, proposed:

"Your subconscious mind is conditioned by your thoughts. If your thoughts are constantly on the beautiful, the noble, and the good, you will remain young regardless of the chronological years."

I would like to add that you''ll look younger, too.

You may be 40 (just!), but what exactly does that mean? I read a critically-acclaimed and commercially successful novel last week that described a man of 45 as old.

I had a choice right there and then: To accept the idea that a person who's inhabited the planet for only 45 years is old (when a US weatherman says he's deluged with increasing numbers of letters from humans celebrating their one-hundredth years and can't fit them all into his "Happy Birthday" segment), or to reject that notion immediately.

So please change your beliefs about being whatever age you are.

If you tell yourself your looks are fading, trust me, you will act on that belief. It will show in your eyes and in your posture and in the way you wear your hair. Tell yourself instead, "I am younger and more beautiful every day." Close your eyes and feel it. Then open your eyes and say it to yourself in the mirror.

(I guarantee you will feel like a fool doing this, but keep it up. It will make a difference.)

Stop saying, "I'm 40." What if you were to pretend and say instead, "I'm 30?"

After my 35th birthday, after reading Dr. Murphy's book for the 60,000th time, I decided to tell myself, "I'm 25." And guess what? I realized I didn't feel a second over 35, so why should I be 35?

(NOTE: I don't advocate lying about one's age--or about anything else-- to other people, however. I'm also on the fence about keeping one's age to oneself; the beautiful 54-year-old model Christie Brinkley shouts her age to the world, but a 103-year-old woman I know used to keep hers quiet because she didn't want other people "limiting" her.)

I've known people who were old at 25, who cried about having reached the quarter-century mark. By the time they were 30, they were grunting when they got off a couch. Conversely, I know a 76-year-old man who used to go around telling himself, "I'm younger than springtime" when he was in his 40s and 50s (and he probably still does).

You should see him now.

He didn't retire until he was close to 72. Shortly before then, he got to talking to a much-younger man on the train. When the younger man discovered the older man's age, he couldn't believe it. He slapped the older man on the back and exclaimed, "Can you believe this guy? Can you believe he's over 70?"

Then he shook the older man's hand and thanked him for being an inspiration.

So, please change your beliefs. If your jawline looks a bit slack, tell yourself it's firming up. I'm sure plastic surgeons will take issue with this method, but your subconscious mind is powerful. Think young. Act young.

Also, if you find yourself waking up with puffy eyes and a sorry complexion, examine the food you eat. Stick with unprocessed food. Avoid MSG. A good friend of mine has been blessedly free of football eyes and sausage fingers ever since she discovered she's allergic to gluten.

Please avoid fast food, or anything made with partially-hydrogenated oil or high-fructose corn syrup.

Also, keep in mind the things you liked to do when you were young, and if you still like them, make time for them. Learning new things keeps you young, as well. Dr. Murphy wrote:

"My father learned the French language at 65 years of age and became an authority on it at 70. He made a study of Gaelic when he was over 60, and became an acknowledged and famous teacher of the subject. He assisted my sister in a school of higher learning and continued to do so until he passed away at 99. His mind was as clear at 99 as it was when he was 20. Moreover, his handwriting and his reasoning powers had improved with age. Truly, you are as old as you think and feel."

Here's another quote you may find helpful from The Power of Your Subconscious Mind:

"You are as young as you think you are. You are as strong as you think you are. You are as useful as you think you are. You are as young as your thoughts."

I'd like to add, "You're as attractive as you think you are." Keep telling yourself, "I am a wonderful, desirable woman. There's a man out there who'll be lucky to have me."

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Marriage: Is He Running Out Excuses?

Dear Terry,

I've been trying to collect some courage to ask you something. Now maybe I can.

My story goes like this:

I've been going out now with my boyfriend for 3 years and living in for 2 years, and we know what we want, like getting married, having children, etc. A lot of his friends are getting married, some are pregnant and also a lot of my friends, really puts us under pressure.

Today he just wrote a friend an e-mail (I was in the distributions list) for some business stuff and also private stuff, like to go out for dinner once again.

So, my boyfriend's friends started teasing him about not getting married yet, then, my boyfriend agreed like, yes, he knows that and he's the only bachelor now in their circle of friends. He wrote he's running out of excuses. I didn't write any comment, just want to know what he meant about it, and how am I going to react on this one.

Thank you for your help.

-Concerned Girlfriend


Dear Concerned-

It's possible your boyfriend was joking. It's also possible that he wasn't.

But it's entirely possible that he was!

Let me ask you an important question:

Do you really want to get married, or are you happy with your current situation? If you're happy living together, then please don't let your friends pressure you into any marriage you may not be ready for.

However, if you do want to get married (truly, because you love this man and not because "it's time" or other silly stuff that presses people into doing things that aren't in their best interests), then you'll want to consider whether this man plans to ever meet you at the top of the aisle.

This is your life we're talking about, after all.

Since it's very possible your boyfriend was just joking around, make a joke about it yourself. Say, "Hey, about that comment you made about "running out of excuses" to your buddies on that email this morning --what the heck was that supposed to mean?"

Then stop talking. Look him in the eye. Listen to his answer. Then decide what you do from there.

Whatever it is, be sure to do it with grace and good humor.

Thank you for writing. I hope this helps, and I hope it finds you feeling much, much better.

Terry

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Guys and Texting

Hello, Terry-

Do you think that depending on your age group, attitudes to texting etc. are different? I am observing that younger guys (35 and under) are less willing to phone or talk face-to-face and also are less proactive about inviting you out - they are used to the young women being more aggressive and hitting on them. So they tend to be more passive about this and wait for you to make the moves - but this doesn't necessarily mean they aren't interested. What do you think about this?

-Wondering


Hello, Wondering-

You ask an excellent question.

I talked to a young friend about this (she's in her teens). She said guys her age do most of the asking out, usually in person.

She did say that the shy ones do often prefer to text. That way, they don't have to rehearse a big speech, and if they get rejected, it's easier to take.

I asked her, "If a guy were to text you to ask you out, would he do it on the spur of the moment? Would he ask you to meet him in an hour or the next day, for example?"

She said, "No. He'd probably ask me to go out with him later on; he'd text on a Monday to go out on a Friday."

She said she definitely wouldn't go out with a guy who wanted to meet in an hour or even the next day.

She thinks that girls are more aggressive, but guys are definitely aggressive about going for what they want, too. They don't wait for women to make the moves.

I hope this answers your question.

Terry

Monday, March 17, 2008

Dating the Irish and People Who Like Them

This just in:

Got a tip on an "eclectic online community for people who already have a life" called IrishAbroad.com, which two Irish expats who live in San Francisco founded 10 years ago.

According to the website, "IrishAbroad.com is an Irish news and social networking website with over 240,000 members worldwide. The site is for Irish expats, descendants and any person wishing to travel to Ireland. Here, you will find news and information, community and friendship."

It also features free IrishAbroad Personals.

While I haven't used any of IrishAbroad's services myself, you may want to check them out.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Bret Really Liked Kristy Joe...

We suspend dating advice today to summarize a most helpful TV program, Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels, which does the public service of exhibiting the type of substandard man women do well to avoid.

In last night's episode, Poison warbler Bret Michaels admitted that he really liked "annoying" contestant Kristy Joe and was "emotionally destroyed" when she chose to leave the Rock of Love 2 harem. (In the previous installment, he was "physically and emotionally exhausted" about something else. He's a sensitive guy.)

Emotions aside, Bret managed to make out with both Ambre ("the best kisser in the house") and Megan ("I'm not feeling a connection, but I do feel like sucking face") in the same episode.

As usual, he took the winners of the week's challenge on "insanely awesome" (instead of merely awesome) dates that required the victims to watch him devour meals like a rabid orangutan. Nobody will ever mistake Bret Michaels for George Clooney.

"I need a woman who can dive into my music and into my life," rhapsodized our vinyl-haired Romeo at the start of last night's show.

The Women of Cripplingly Low-Self Esteem dived. And they'll keep right on diving.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Dating a Moody and Manipulative Man

Ever get a phone call from a guy that goes like this?

He says, "Hey."

You say, "Hey."

Uncomfortably long pause.

You say, "Is everything okay?"

He says, "Yep."

Uncomfortably long pause.

You say, "So what's going on?"

He says, "Not too much."

You say, "Is everything okay? You sound a little weird."

He says, "Why do you say that?"

You say, "I don't know, I...."

Uncomfortably long pause.

You say, "Listen, did I do something?"

He says, "Why do you say that? Did you do something?"

You say, "No, I-- I was just wondering. You seem a little weird, that's all. Is everything okay?"

He says, "You tell me."

And so on.

Unless you have indeed done something heinous (like sleeping with his brother, breaking into his safety-deposit box, killing his dog) to deserve this person's passive-aggressive treatment, your best bet is this:

Say, in your usual pleasant fashion, "Well, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later."

If he asks when, say, "I don't know." Then tell him goodbye and hang up.

Trust me, the worst thing that could ever happen to you is to get in any deeper with this man (or, heaven forbid, marry him!). His goal in life is either to make everything your fault, or to manipulate you into feeling you owe him something.

He will make you miserable for the rest of your life.

Run for the hills.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Emailing to Get a Man's Attention

Hi, Terry-

I notice in that you stress on "not calling a guy" if he himself promises to call...I think you're right about that.

But I have to be honest that I am unsure about whether or not to make contact with a guy even if it's just to ask a question. I mean I am seeing someone new, and this morning I got this cute little email someone sent, and I thought this would be something nice to send to him, so I picked up the phone to call him and ask him for his email address...and then I thought, "You know what? I'd better not".

I used to have no problem picking up the phone if I wanted to talk to a guy....but men are fickle and I think I need to keep my guard up this time...I am 32 and I think I've learned enough not to give them too much attention....What do you think!?

-Curious



Hi, Curious-

I think your instincts are right.

It's tempting to pass on a cute email to a guy or call him to ask a question, but if he said he'll contact you, you're better off waiting to see if his word is any good.

If he said he'd contact you, he should contact you. Then you can ask a casual question, but even then I wouldn't ask him for his email address. What's the point? You want to go out with the guy, not send him jokes.

I'm not one of these people who believes in sitting by the phone and letting the guy call all the shots. However, I do believe that men want a prize in a woman, just as women want a prize in a man.

Don't make attempts to keep yourself on this particular guy's radar. Figure that if he's worth your time, he's going to make sure you know it.

Terry

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Eliot Spitzer Needs a Slap in the Head

You may have heard that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has been busted after being "linked" (nice euphemism, eh?) to a prostitute who charged him as much as $5,000 for a good time.

What I want to know is what kind of sexual services can one receive for $5,000? Maybe they throw in a free trip to Europe.

But I'm concerned about this knucklehead's wife, Silda Wall Spitzer, and three teenage daughters. Joye Brown of Newsday said it beautifully:

"Tape of Spitzer's three daughters ran on television stations across the nation most of the day. And his wife, shellshocked and watery-eyed, had to stand before a bank of television cameras in very public humiliation."

Okay, this is what I need to know:

Why does any woman--who has been betrayed in such a stupid, unimaginative way by such a sad and selfish individual -- even stand in the room with him as he makes his TV apologies?

What's in it for her, exactly? I've read suggestions that Silda Wall Spitzer may be standing by her man for the sake of her daughters, but if I ever caught my husband with a hooker, I would disappear for the sake of my daughters. I'd want to send them a different message:

Don't stick around with a schmo who goes to prostitutes.

Monday, March 10, 2008

He Overcame His Fear of Intimacy

No new episode of Rock of Love 2 last night.

But I came across a wonderful "Modern Love" essay by Ben Karlin in yesterday's New York Times. Karlin is the former executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, one of my favorite shows of all time.

Karlin describes how he set out to "solve all my problems involving emotional intimacy." Read it here.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Online Romeo Wastes Her Time

Dear Terry-

I am confused about something.

I corresponded with a man for a while and asked him a lot of important questions, which he answered. He made me feel like he's the one. He even told me that I could be the one, and to tell my friends that I already have a boyfriend. We met online, of course.

He seemed to have everything I was looking for in a man, but he did not plan to meet me. He said he was going to be very busy and would not be able to give his full attention to a relationship. But then he spoke to me every day for at least 3/4 hours. He is in another state now but will return to my city in a about a year and a half. He is in active duty in the airforce.

Suddenly last week he told me he is going to be deployed to the mid-East for the war. After that, he started to distance himself. So weird.... So I called four days ago about what was the matter. He told me that he is going away, and he does not to be emotionally attached since he does not know what is going to happen. So he does not want to get close or get hurt!

After than, I wrote him an email and mentioned that understand although it is disheartening. He never wrote or called me since then. I felt I deserved a phone call at least, but nothing. So I am letting go. I am very shocked and upset.

Why did he do this?

-Deserving Better


Dear Deserving:

When a person signs up for an online dating service, it's fair to assume they want to meet new people. As soon as this guy told you that he didn't want to meet you due to some lame excuse (i.e., not being able to give his full attention to a relationship), that was your cue to say goodbye and cease taking his calls.

You say he spoke to you every day for three to four hours. I have to ask you: If you truly want a relationship, why would you waste that kind of time talking to a man who refused to meet you. I don't care that he said you could be "the one." And the fact that he told you to tell your friends that you have a boyfriend is flat-out ridiculous. Not to mention presumptuous.

And you should have told him so.

You say you deserve better than this treatment, and you do. So the next time you meet a man online, spend 10 or 12 minutes on the phone with him to determine whether you have anything in common, and if you can detect any repellent habits or attitudes.

The next step is to meet him. (If he lives out-of-state, sure, you can talk to him --briefly-- on the phone once in a while, but you should keep talking to other guys, as well. Keep your options open.)

Meet him in a neutral, public place. Keep the date fun but short. Be friendly and smile, be interested in him and get to know him, but, again, keep it short. It's human nature to want a prize, so be a prize by letting him know you have a full, happy life.

Don't brag or exaggerate. Simply smile warmly and thank him for a lovely time. Then drive yourself home.

If he says he's going to call you, let him call. Do not call him. Do not text him. Do not email him. When he contacts you, be your usual interested, warm, happy self. Again, keep the call to 10 minutes.

If you miss his call, and he leaves a message, call him back. But keep it short (yes, I know I keep repeating myself). If he's truly interested in you, he will make plans to meet you again. If he doesn't make plans, please don't confuse him with someone who's worth your time.

A guy should never get the impression that you are sitting next to the phone, so go about your life as usual. Continue to meet other men until you find yourself in a real relationship with a man who doesn't waste your valuable time with a lot of hot air.

Your first clue that he's full of hot air? He tells you he's going to be "very busy," or that he can't give his full attention to a relationship. As soon as a guy says that, you say, "Next!"

Remember this: Actions speak louder than words.

Jeff Mac from Manslations offers this brilliant advice about men: "When in doubt, start by drop everything he SAID and just look at what he DID."

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

More On Picturing the End Result

Found the following quote in my inbox today from the good folks at Nightingale-Conant. I'm using it here to hammer home the previous post.

"Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor,
play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between
reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually
think about eventually will manifest in our lives."

—author Robert Collier

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Picturing the End Result

Dear Terry,

I have met men who either were never into me, or when they were, I wasn't into them. The former were the charming, successful ones, and the latter, you guessed it.

Now I am desperate to be loved and get married. My younger sister has found someone, and it's really painful to see myself all alone. Please help me and tell me if this system will work for me. Please assure me that it will.

Thank you.

-K.


Hi, K-

When you mention "a system," I imagine you're referring to my ebook and audio, which women have told me has completely changed their love lives around. It certainly changed my life around.

But, like any system, it only works if you work it. I've received letters from women who've complained the book is too short, only to find out later they never did the exercises it contains and didn't listen to the audio. So it didn't work for them.

But let's talk about you and your situation.

You say you're desperate to be loved. This is the wrong way to attract a man who will love you and make you happy.

Please be glad for your younger sister that she's found someone special. In 2008, I hope we've moved beyond the idea that an older sister is some kind of failure if she's "beaten to the altar" by a younger sister.

My youngest sister married before my other sister and me, but by the time she did, I'd learned to discount (and limit my time with) people who made stupid comments about us "not getting any younger." (And we were pretty young!)

One of the things that worked for me in attracting the right man was by picturing and feeling the end result.

I'd read about basketball players who'd won games by practicing in their mind's eye instead of on the court. They'd "see" themselves making the shot. They'd "feel" the ball leaving their hands. They'd "see" the ball slipping easily through the hoop. They'd "hear" the roar of the crowd.

I decided to use this method to lose weight. I "saw" myself thin in the mirror, "felt" myself slipping into a small dress, I'd "hear" people telling me how good I looked.

It worked.

I later used the method when I was ready to attract the right man. A lot of my friends were getting married, my sister was getting married. I'd attracted similar guys to the ones you describe, and I'd come to realize that my own ambivalence about relationships caused this.

I rightly figured that, on some level, marriage and relationships scared me. I set out to find out what scared me, and I faced those fears. By figuring out what I did not want in a marriage, I could easily see what I did want. And then I "saw" myself in such a marriage with the right man man, "felt" myself with him, "heard" him, and so on. I came to believe that I was actually in a relationship with such a person, and it came to pass.

This method works because you're operating from faith and expectation. You're not acting from desperation.

Desperation always brings bad results, whether you're looking for a new house, a job, a friend, or a partner. Not only will you attract substandard circumstances, you'll likely settle for them. So choose the opposite path.

I do recommend you limit exposure to so-called friends who suggest you're a failure because you've yet to hook a live one. Write a list of your best qualities and refer to it often. Always look your best. Remind yourself that you have much to offer. You should never settle for a man who's less than you deserve just to get gossips off your back.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Bret Michaels Plays the Hapless Victim

Rock of Love 2 is so sad I can barely force myself to watch it anymore.

I fell asleep during both broadcasts of the latest episode last night, so here I am in front of the TV for a third time, trying to wrap my brain around it.

For those of you who are just joining us, a dwindling group of scantily clad women is competing on national television for the affections of a has-been rock musician. Every week, the show's producers come up with fresh ideas for competitions to humiliate the women.

This episode's victorious duo entertained vets by reciting the Preamble to the Constitution while wiggling inside hula-hoops. Of course, they wore bikinis. To start their act, they gave each other a good slap on the rump with American flags. Now, that's taking patriotism to a new level.

Because women serve in the US military, the audience did contain a good number of females, some of whom laughed self-consciously. Others just looked horrified.

Afterwards, Bret, who has moved beyond covering his fat head with a bandana and now wears a hat on top of a bandana, sat down for dinner with his Ladies of Low Self-Esteem. He threw out a question: "In your opinion, which of the other girls is here for the wrong reason." Not wanting to betray another contestant, a couple of LSEs skirted the question.

Bret got angry. He demanded answers.

He maintained that he had to know who was in it for real (uh, like he's even in it for real), but clearly the guy was pushing for a fight.

Eventually, Ambre pointed her finger at Kristy Joe. Curses flew. Bret threw his napkin down and left the table. Later in the show, he claimed to be "physically and emotionally exhausted."

What a cretin.

I'm waiting for these women to smarten up and tell this guy to take a flying leap. Now there would be a drama I could stay awake to watch.

Life Keeps Getting Better

We've all heard the garbage about a woman over age 35 meeting a decent man being about as likely as her dying in a plane crash. Yesterday, I met yet another woman who defied that nonsense.

She's 53, positive-minded, active, and an enthusiastic newlywed, but she could have been a real sad sack. She had plenty of cause to feel sorry for herself. In April 2007 (11 months ago), she was hit by a car and told she would ever walk again. Doctors said they'd have to amputate her right foot.

She refused to believe them. Call it faith in God, call it the Law of Attraction, call it whatever you want: She determined that a power mightier than modern medicine created her and would heal her foot. She would walk again.

Do I need to tell you that she did not lose her foot? That she was walking fluidly-- without a limp -- 11 months later? Now, I can't say what her foot looks like under the sleek high-heeled boot she wore; she did say it's been fortified with pins.

But whatever it looks like, it's not stopping her. As I said, she's newly married and clearly enjoying life. I wish I'd had the chance to ask her about her new husband, especially how she met him.

My guess is she did it the same way she healed her foot. She surely wouldn't be the first person who succeeded in meeting the man of her dreams this way. Click here to learn how another woman did it.