Stop Calling Me

This is for the annoying individual (you know who you are) who persists in phoning me to bitch for lengthy periods about:

-Women at your kid's preschool who throw birthday parties at times you find inconvenient

-your sister-in-law and how she talks behind other people's backs

-how you are not as rich as everyone thinks

-how you do more work, spend more money, and throw more parties than everybody you know, and that nobody appreciates it

-the people next door and their new granite countertops

-that the woman across the street does not take her children out to play enough

-that your husband's sole purpose in life is to smoke pot and watch TV.

My usual method for dealing with you is to check my caller ID and screen your call. Of course, then I'm subjected to the guilt-inducing message you invariably leave on my machine.

Today, however, the offspring were home from school. They picked up the phone, and I got stuck listening to you. This necessitated the use of Plan B: I launched into a filabuster about how evil food manufacturers are killing us by slipping deadly trans fats into so-called "healthy snacks" like Kellogg's Nutri-Grain bars.

Got you off the phone in no time.