Friday, May 30, 2008

Another Rubberband Man

Hi, Terry-

I am thoroughly confused. A year ago I dated a man who is twenty years my senior. I am twenty-seven. It was a short but very intense relationship. We lived together for about a month.

He has a very bad relationship history (the word Casanova comes to mind), and I doubted throughout if he wanted a serious realtionship. At his age, the longest relationship he has ever been in is seven months! I thought he had changed, as he said he was tired of being in relationships that never lasted and was hoping ours would.

I disliked a lot of things about the relationship- he was very paranoid, jealous and analysed every statement I made. Even though he never said anything, and he denied being jealous, his behaviour proved other wise. I tried to alleviate his fears by trying to let him know that I thought of HIM only and so on. I would call him all the time to tell him what I was doing so he would not have to wonder and suspect anything. He misunderstood my constant communication with him as a sign of neediness and clinginess. Well, to cut a long story short he broke up with me and said he only wanted to be friends as we misunderstood and misconnected.

I was ok with that initially, even though it hurt a lot, because we did fight a lot. Just as I was beginning to get used to a life without him he then started indicating to me that he wanted more. He would invite me to social gatherings with his friends and not indicate that we were not together anymore. He would let them assume and sometimes actually confirm that we were still together, which confused me a lot since I still have feelings for him, and I would take him back if he wanted to work at the relationship.

Currently, I am the one who AGAIN initiates contact. He does not however follow our dinner and coffee dates with a call or so. He acts as though we are together when other people are, but he never makes any contact with me otherwise. I am always the one to call him to ask if he wants to go out for meals or coffee. He always accepts, always hints to a future reunion, his body language says he still finds me attractive but he never initiates contact.

What is going on here? what can I do to turn the tables. I still have feelings for him, but I am tired of feeling used. He is currently still single.

What do you think?


Dear G.-

I'll tell you what I think: You can do better than this.

Your problem is very similar to the one I answered yesterday, so please read my response there. I'd also like you to re-read your letter to me. Sometimes when we look at a situation in black-and-white we can see it for what it really is.

You say this particular man's body language indicates that he is still attracted to you. That's great. It means a better man will be attracted to you, too.

But you want this man. Why? Why? Why?

Please think about this: What attracts you to a man who is destined to disappoint you every way he can? What attracts you to a man you describe as a Casanova? Who is incapable of maintaining a relationship for over seven months? At 47 years of age?

Which brings me to another thing: His age. When you're 27, being with a man 20 years your senior can be a heady experience. Older people can be incredibly attractive when we're young; they seem smarter, wiser, sexier. But not every older man or woman has grown up from the person they were in their 20s.

Some people resist growth. And an older man who still can't manage a decent love relationship probably falls into this category.

You mention that you disliked a lot of this man's qualities when you were together: His paranoia, jealousy, and his compulsion to analyze every word you uttered. Can you imagine the living hell you'd endure if you married him?

Stop being confused. Stop calling the guy. If he calls you, tell him thanks but no thanks.

You deserve better and you're moving on.