Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Is He Emotionally Unavailable?

Hi Terry,

I have been “seeing” this guy for about 6 months now. He lives about two hours away. I try to go there whenever I can but he has been working overtime, which means the weekends and only has one day off. I do not work on the weekends. I have been out there about 6 times or so, spending the weekend every time I am there. We talk on the phone almost everyday, and constantly text/email throughout the day. This past weekend I was invited to go with him to a wedding, and it was amazing. We spent all weekend together and among his closest friends who are either married and pregnant or engaged.

I am only 22 and he is 30, but that does not make a difference to us, age is only a number. Anyway, every time we try to have the “talk” nothing ever gets resolved.. its always like “well why ruin a good thing that we have right now?”

But I’m thinking.. it would not ruin anything it would just make it better or at least give me a peace of mind as to what is going on with us. I just do not understand why he doesn’t want to be serious, especially since he is at the age when it might be time to settle down and all of his friends are. He has told me that he has never been in love, wants to focus on his career right now, that were in different parts of our lives.. blah blah.. but I still do not get a definite answer as to whether we should stop talking/seeing each other or just continue down this confusing path.

So I am not sure what to do. I guess I should suck it up and just talk to him, tell him that I want things to progress or at least tell me what he wants and if were not in the same boat, then bail out when I can? I think I’ve put up with it for a while now, and I think any other girl would’ve been like no you either tell me you don’t want me or tell me you do. Maybe I should do the same. I really enjoy him, seeing each other for so long, so I def don’t want to lose that.

Best wishes,

Hello, A.-

You're 22, he's 30. I don't see this as an issue at all; some people are more mature at 20 than some others are at 45. However, the fact that this man you're seeing is 30can perhaps make him even more attractive to you than he would be if he were, say, a guy your own age. Let's face it; when you're 22, dating a 30-year-old guy can seem downright glamorous.

Now, his friends are marrying and having babies, but he says he's never been in love. He says that you're in different parts of your lives. He says he wants to focus on his career.


My advice to you is to stop wondering what to do. Sucking it up and talking to him will probably resolve nothing and will only distance him further from you.

(Here's an analogy: You're in a restaurant. You think you want the salmon, but the waiter keeps telling you to have the steak. You insist on the salmon. He insists on the steak. Eventually, you either throw your napkin on the table in a huff and leave, or you eat the steak just to make the waiter stop haranguing you. Neither is a good option. Don't be the waiter in your relationship with this man).

The only way this guy is going to see you for the attractive, smart, fun person you are is if you stand back enough to let him get a long look at you. In other words, be less available. Be pleasant about it, but definitely text less, phone less, visit less (yes, I know he lives two hours away, and your time together is limited as it is, but who's doing most of the traveling here? You or him?).

One of two things will happen. He will indeed realize what a great deal you are. He'll miss you. He won't want to lose you. No more nonsense about not ever having been in love!


He will not realize what a good deal you are. He will fade out of your life altogether. If this is the case, his disappearance would be a fabulous thing indeed because he was never capable of giving you the love you deserve in the first place. You will have saved yourself a great deal of time.

I hope I haven't ruined your day with this information, and I ask you to please consider the possibility that Mr. Not In Love is doing you a favor here. Have you met his family, for example? Do you know how his father treats his mother? How he treats his mother? (My mother taught me that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother!)

Project 10 years from now. If you were to marry this guy, would you be happy? Or would you stuck with a man who takes you for granted? Would you be soothing yourself with reality television and junk food you'd become too numb to taste?

Consider the possibility that you can do better than him. Revel in the possibilities that being 22 and having your whole life ahead of you affords you.

I truly hope this helps, A. Thank you for writing.