Thursday, June 26, 2008

The Difference Between Love and Self-Inflicted Torture

Hello, Terry-

I love this man. He said he loves me, but he's afraid of his family. We've had sex, but he never calls me or contacts me anymore.

I want him for a life partner. Please give me some ideas. I need him.

Thank you.


Hello, P-

When you have sex with a man, sometimes a little voice tells you that you love him or need him because you had sex with him. You tell yourself you have to love him because you had sex with him, and if you don't love him, oh my gosh, you're a bad person! You buy into the myth that nice girls don't ever, ever sleep with people they don't know well enough to love.

Please give yourself a break.

It's also probable that the attention and affection you received from this person felt great. It might have been the most affection or attention you've gotten in a while, and let's face it, affection and attention can be addictive. You're human, and all humans thrive on affection and attention.

So you're infatuated with the man who provided it.

But is he worth it? Please take a deep breath and consider this carefully.

He doesn't call. He doesn't contact you. He gave you some lame song and dance about being afraid of his family, which makes him rather pathetic. Okay, he's obviously decent in the sack (or you wouldn't be hung up on him), but what else does he have to offer besides excuses and leaving you sad and lonely?

You say you want him for a life partner. Does this mean you want him to be the person you share the newspaper with on Sunday morning, the father of your children, the man who you can rely upon to take care of you if you get sick?

Does he really have the qualities the job requires?

My best advice is to forget this guy. If he comes around again, tell him that you've decided to hold out for a man who loves you, calls you, and never makes excuses.