Wednesday, June 09, 2010

She Wants Him...Sort Of

Dear Terry,

Firstly, thank you for the wonderful blog and for the time you're spending to make women take better choices in life. I read your blog religiously. (That doesn't mean on Christmas, Easter, etc; you know really religiously ! :-)

Just reading your blog, I got answers without asking anyone for many of my dating dilemmas, but this one's baffling the heck out of me.

I decided not to date anyone for a while until I reach a professional goal (the recession's hit me too). Over all, I'm giving myself a big break (for dating) after I ended a non-existent relationship (only in my head) with an unavailable man who told me all the great things, who even asked me to marry him but won't say he loves me. I told him I need some more time to take a decision, since I didn't feel confident marrying him. I wanted to know why he won't say he loves me. My patience paid off, turns out, he's involved with another woman too, and he only revealed this himself after a year when the girl broke up with him. I showed him the door.

I'm over him totally. But, I need to boost myself emotionally, so I wanted to prove myself I'll get the big break at work I want, and only then resume dating. Right now, my finances need to improve much more.

Suddenly I was sent to a different place for work, and I joined a yoga class recently where I meet this great guy who teaches yoga! He shares the same morals as me, he won't compromise values for money, sex or anything. He practices what he preaches in class. And he has a very flexible body. The way he does the yoga postures simply makes me feel wow-ed.

I feel great attraction for this guy. Initially it was just physical attraction, then it crept onto intellectual, and then emotional (he takes care of the kids and older people in the class very very well. Not that he neglects young guys). And then, we hold almost the same spiritual levels (except for finance; he's not half as good as I am 'coz he doesn't crave financial pleasures; he's more focused on the spiritual side). Did I mention he has a great sense of humour? He's very intelligent, and he learnt about 5 languages easily. If he wants to, I'm sure he can do well financially.

He's all that I can think of, in a man, except for one thing. He wants to dedicate his life to meditation and yoga and spiritual seeking, earning minimal money for his maintenance, instead of getting tied up with physical pleasures, and worldly life.

I don't have a relationship with him. I just happen to discuss stuff with him, and we bond very well. He has a very attractive personality which draws me to him like a moth. I'm afraid I'll get burnt. But since I can't date another man now (just don't want to till the career thing happens), how do I get over him ?

I can tell he likes me too. He looks a little more at me than others and smiles instantly when we're in class. And when I hold an after-class discussion with him, he seems excited talking to me.

Why am I attracting this great but unavailable guy?

I see him every day in the class, and my attraction grows only stronger. He's the best teacher ever in my life.

I don't know how I should discuss what I feel with him, or how to move on. Please help!

-How Do I Walk Away?


Dear Walk-

Thank you for the very kind words.

Here's the short answer: You move on by finding another yoga class.

Here's the long answer: Your goal is to improve your finances, and now you're wildly attracted to a man who has virtually no interest in money.

So it would appear that you and he are at odds, but you recently broke up with a creep who two-timed you. And now you meet a man who actually possesses and lives by a few moral standards.

Of course you're attracted.

It's a shame the new guy considers money unspiritual because there are a lot of lovely things you can do with money (it's like fire; you can use it for good or evil). You can build wells in Africa with it. You also can also use it to roll around town in a big hulking Hummer.

Two things you learned from your last relationship were a) you have good instincts about people, and b) you can't make anyone do anything he doesn't want to do. The last guy didn't want to say he loved you (although he did want to marry you while dating another person). And now this new guy doesn't see the value of money.

I have just one suggestion then. The next time you and the dreamy yogi get into a conversation about living spiritually, tell him you aim to make money because it will give you the power to help other people.

(Knock knock: "It's the American Diabetes Association. Can we count on you for a donation?" Spiritually "enlighted" money-rejector: "Oh, sorry. I can't help. I have only enough cash to buy my weekly supply of rice and peanut butter.")

You can plant this seed in his mind, but as you know, there are no guarantees it will take. If it doesn't, you will need to find another yoga class, preferably one taught by a compassionate teacher who is working on a line of DVDs she'll sell to buy her own children a house in a decent school district and perhaps also to fund nutritious meals for low-income children.

You deserve a man who shares your values, who's honest, funny, and kind, and never resists saying he loves you. You also deserve a guy who's willing to make a little cash. Hold out for that guy. In the meantime, keep your eye on your financial and professional goals.

I hope this helps. I wish you the best of everything.