Wednesday, June 09, 2010

She Wants Him...Sort Of

Dear Terry,

Firstly, thank you for the wonderful blog and for the time you're spending to make women take better choices in life. I read your blog religiously. (That doesn't mean on Christmas, Easter, etc; you know really religiously ! :-)

Just reading your blog, I got answers without asking anyone for many of my dating dilemmas, but this one's baffling the heck out of me.

I decided not to date anyone for a while until I reach a professional goal (the recession's hit me too). Over all, I'm giving myself a big break (for dating) after I ended a non-existent relationship (only in my head) with an unavailable man who told me all the great things, who even asked me to marry him but won't say he loves me. I told him I need some more time to take a decision, since I didn't feel confident marrying him. I wanted to know why he won't say he loves me. My patience paid off, turns out, he's involved with another woman too, and he only revealed this himself after a year when the girl broke up with him. I showed him the door.

I'm over him totally. But, I need to boost myself emotionally, so I wanted to prove myself I'll get the big break at work I want, and only then resume dating. Right now, my finances need to improve much more.

Suddenly I was sent to a different place for work, and I joined a yoga class recently where I meet this great guy who teaches yoga! He shares the same morals as me, he won't compromise values for money, sex or anything. He practices what he preaches in class. And he has a very flexible body. The way he does the yoga postures simply makes me feel wow-ed.

I feel great attraction for this guy. Initially it was just physical attraction, then it crept onto intellectual, and then emotional (he takes care of the kids and older people in the class very very well. Not that he neglects young guys). And then, we hold almost the same spiritual levels (except for finance; he's not half as good as I am 'coz he doesn't crave financial pleasures; he's more focused on the spiritual side). Did I mention he has a great sense of humour? He's very intelligent, and he learnt about 5 languages easily. If he wants to, I'm sure he can do well financially.

He's all that I can think of, in a man, except for one thing. He wants to dedicate his life to meditation and yoga and spiritual seeking, earning minimal money for his maintenance, instead of getting tied up with physical pleasures, and worldly life.

I don't have a relationship with him. I just happen to discuss stuff with him, and we bond very well. He has a very attractive personality which draws me to him like a moth. I'm afraid I'll get burnt. But since I can't date another man now (just don't want to till the career thing happens), how do I get over him ?

I can tell he likes me too. He looks a little more at me than others and smiles instantly when we're in class. And when I hold an after-class discussion with him, he seems excited talking to me.

Why am I attracting this great but unavailable guy?

I see him every day in the class, and my attraction grows only stronger. He's the best teacher ever in my life.

I don't know how I should discuss what I feel with him, or how to move on. Please help!

-How Do I Walk Away?

Dear Walk-

Thank you for the very kind words.

Here's the short answer: You move on by finding another yoga class.

Here's the long answer: Your goal is to improve your finances, and now you're wildly attracted to a man who has virtually no interest in money.

So it would appear that you and he are at odds, but you recently broke up with a creep who two-timed you. And now you meet a man who actually possesses and lives by a few moral standards.

Of course you're attracted.

It's a shame the new guy considers money unspiritual because there are a lot of lovely things you can do with money (it's like fire; you can use it for good or evil). You can build wells in Africa with it. You also can also use it to roll around town in a big hulking Hummer.

Two things you learned from your last relationship were a) you have good instincts about people, and b) you can't make anyone do anything he doesn't want to do. The last guy didn't want to say he loved you (although he did want to marry you while dating another person). And now this new guy doesn't see the value of money.

I have just one suggestion then. The next time you and the dreamy yogi get into a conversation about living spiritually, tell him you aim to make money because it will give you the power to help other people.

(Knock knock: "It's the American Diabetes Association. Can we count on you for a donation?" Spiritually "enlighted" money-rejector: "Oh, sorry. I can't help. I have only enough cash to buy my weekly supply of rice and peanut butter.")

You can plant this seed in his mind, but as you know, there are no guarantees it will take. If it doesn't, you will need to find another yoga class, preferably one taught by a compassionate teacher who is working on a line of DVDs she'll sell to buy her own children a house in a decent school district and perhaps also to fund nutritious meals for low-income children.

You deserve a man who shares your values, who's honest, funny, and kind, and never resists saying he loves you. You also deserve a guy who's willing to make a little cash. Hold out for that guy. In the meantime, keep your eye on your financial and professional goals.

I hope this helps. I wish you the best of everything.


Margosoriginals said...

I agree with this advice to a point- but it sounds like they have a great connection. She just got out of a bad relationship, and maybe a little flirting and attraction with a great guy is what she needs. I also think, that just as terry said he can learn from her that money can help do good, she can learn from him that money isn't the most important thing. Sometimes we meet the people we meet for a reason. I don't believe that we should live strictly by our own plans- I think sometimes we have to look at what life is giving us and use it to our advantage. I think she should just ride it out in the yoga class for a while, and not push for a dating relationship. Just see where it goes. If he wants to ask you out- he will ask you out. Then you can decide if you want to go out with him. Dating good men can be a huge confidence booster when you're single, it doesn't necissarily mean that it has to lead anywhere. I think she should be open to the idea of having fun with a great guy that she has a great connection with. Forget about the "relationship" aspect of it and just see what happens organically. Don't overthink, and most importantly don't let yourself think about HIM too much. Just enjoy the now, and just let the thought of this cute, incredibly attractive man be in the back of your mind as an added bonus.
I agree with Terry though, that you should find another Yoga class if you find that you cannot do this and it starts to cause you anxiety. Your happiness is the most important thing right now!
By the way Terry, I am an avid reader and I love your blog!

dating diva said...

Interesting post, and great advice!


Terry said...

Thanks, Delilah!

Margosoriginals, you make some excellent points. Thank you.

Walk said...

Dear Terry,

Wow, I'm pleasantly surprised to see the answer to my question.Thanks a lot for answering it.You are a life-saver !

I wasn't doing physically well past 2 days, was just resting in bed.I'm doing good now, and seeing your post, I'm even more cheered up ! Thanks a bunch.

I can't agree more with you on how money is like fire, and the diabetes association eg just hit the point on the nail.Great analogy, Terry.

I'll try bringing this discussion sometime.Unfortunately he's the only yoga teacher in this area, I could afford right now.Others just squeeze like $40/hr, and I heard they're not that great as this guy, who doesn't even charge 1/6th of the amount.(He's not good with marketing himself,so people only know him through word of mouth).I'll bring that cash topic and see his views again.Else,I'd need to muster up strength to bid him good-bye in my heart.

I can now see clearly.I never felt this way with any man before, may be that's why I got so confused.Thanks again, Terry.

MargosOriginals, Thank you girl, for your valuable comment.I'll see if I can just let his thoughts keep me smiling instead of making me frustrated.If they're scorching me, then what option do I've ? I'll be learning the real yogic self-control perhaps.I'm here only for 3 more months,unless my company wants to extend my stay in this place.

Since I can't afford another teacher in this small town,I don't know if I can give up yoga class just 'coz I've a crush on this guy.Yoga's really making my skin glow along with making me fight PMS, and believe it or not, I'm not wearing make-up anymore to work, and I still look beautiful ! I'd recommend it to all my girlfriends !

sugar daddy said...

For spiritual people, it comes natural for them to ignore earthly possessions as this may get in the way of their spiritual world. I may not even be surprised if he didn't had sex for a long time. Its kind of different if he and Walk will be living in one roof, Walk's attraction with him will soon diminish when Walk herself start to look on her earthly possession and pleasure. Unless of course if Walk will also be with him on the spiritual world, then there will be no problem with their relationship.

Adam said...

I agree with Terry's advice to plant the idea that the pursuit of money can also be a spiritually beneficial pursuit. It would be near impossible to change either of your ways of thinking without a deep knowledge of how and why people believe what they do. such a planting of the idea approach works because it can allow for him to come to your conclusions instead of telling him straight out that money = success or just saying you can be spiritual and have money!

The idea to find a new class is probably the best solution to the question of how do i move on. You need to distance yourself from the situations that include both of you while continuing to live your life and do what you do.

to add to what has already been suggested i would caution you agaisn't falling for a guy the same way you did with your non-existent relationship man. you may be prone to falling into a trap you set for yourself. holding on and waiting it out could be dangerous advice although not necessarily bad. i just feel as though you should be aware of what happened before and if it seems at all similar.

I am curious how long you have known mr yoga. generally the role of the man is to pursue the woman; if he has real interest he would probably make a move within a month(probably sooner) of you two having hit it off. also consider that his high responsiveness to you, in terms of being happy and giving you some good signals could get confused with his mentality. he sounds like a very nice and loving person; what he shows you could just be how he is. in order to try and see if this could be true look at whether or not he has made direct efforts to pursue you.

about my last point, it is also possible he would not pursue you because you are part of his class in which case you would have to pursue him because there may be rules that he is respecting in terms of a teacher not having a relationship with a student. it may be wise to talk to him about your feelings as another alternative.

I hope things work out for you :)

feel free to share any flaws in my advice so we can all learn.