How to Visualize to Attract the Right Relationship

Dear Terry,

I have a question about using visualization to attract the right relationship, and I guess many women will face the same challenge I do.

I do use this tool often, and I try to feel the emotion as well that accompanies the picture. However I catch myself becoming actually more "obsessed" about finding the images in reality (that means the perfect partner) than I would be without doing the exercises.

For example if someone announces a barbecue or a party I immediately think(unconsciously actually) ..." maybe I will meet THE guy there", " maybe someone interesting will come, who has a brother or a sister who knows a man, that is just right for me.." being in this quest to find the materialized image, I sometimes have great troubles in deciding- if going to a certain event is right or not, if I could possibly miss something (or someone!). What I want to say is I think about this whole relationship issue much more than I would be doing without visualization.

Then there are people who say, "you attract everything you don't need" and "the more you want it the less you will have it."

Great, I say to myself. It's not possible to fulfill ALL your needs yourself. My friends just cannot give me the need for love and erotics I need and miss. So, how can you do your visualization, obviously wanting what you don't have yet, without wanting it too much and thus actually repelling what you want? hope I am not too cryptic. :-)

I must mention as well that I am definitely a woman who has her own interests, follows them with passion, and many men actually think that I know exactly what I want out of life (which is definitely not true all the time).

So, I believe I am a most of the time very happy person. But still I don't meet many men and especially since some time, men who seem to be compatible with me. Could you help and tell me what I could change?

-Visualizer

Dear Visualizer-

Great question.

First off, relax. Those maxims about wanting things and not getting them? Forget them. Let's keep things simple.

The cool thing about visualization is that it conditions your subconscious to believe that an incident has actually happened, whether you're visualizing hitting the winning point in a basketball championship or a joyful relationship.

When a champion basketball player shows up on court, he doesn't ask himself if wanting to make a winning shot will cost him the game. If he didn't want it, he would't be much use to his team, would he? Wanting is good.

Presumably, you want a happy relationship with a man who makes you laugh and perhaps whom you can grow old with. There are probably other things you want from this relationship, too, and that's good. Define what you want.

Then, when you visualize, start with the feeling you'd experience if you were in that relationship. What does it feel like to love and be loved? Feel that feeling.

When you go out, the key is to merely put yourself where the right person will find you. If you're visualizing (bringing to mind the emotions you'd feel if that relationship you rightly want truly exists -- and it's excitement and joy you're feeling, not stress and the fear of doing things wrong), you will become attractive to the relationships you visualize.

In other words, you leave the house, attend the barbecues, go to the dry cleaners, but you don't look for evidence of your visualizations. You just go out and have a good time. You don't expect anything.

Oh, yeah, and if for some reason you can't make the barbecue (or whatever), don't stress about it. You won't have missed 'the one.' Figure he wasn't going to be there anyway. Figure that he's out there, and he'll catch up with you somewhere else.

That's what we mean by being unattached to the outcome. You want something, you're bringing it to life in your imagination, and then you go happily about your day. Sure, you may meet 'the one' at the next barbecue, or you may meet a person who'll introduce him to you, but you don't count on it.

Because you might not meet him at the barbecue. You might meet him while you're walking your dog or doing your laundry or buying a cup of coffee. Who knows?

Seriously, relax. Visualize, and put yourself out there. Have fun.

You say you're a happy person with her own interests, who appears to know what she wants out of life (which you say is not always true, but here's a secret: A lot of people have no idea what they want out of life, so you're doing pretty well).

I hope I've been clear here.

Self-Help for the Wronged Woman

The New York Times' Maureen Dowd wrote a funny and instructive piece for women who find themselves married to adulterous male politicians (sure have been a lot of them lately; makes me wonder if female politicians are equally adulterous but smarter about not getting caught).

Some tips from Maureen:

"Skip the press conference, especially when your husband is copping to call girls, gay pickups in airport bathrooms or “tragic” and “forbidden” telenovela-style love stories. Stoicism at the skunk’s side is overrated and, as Larry Craig’s wife learned, sunglasses don’t help."

"High-powered women like Hillary, Elizabeth and Jenny who give up their careers to focus on their husbands’ ambitions feel doubly betrayed. But it’s not your husband’s fault if you sacrifice more for the relationship than he does. Like an investor in a down market, you took a risk without a guarantee it would pay off. If you make your husband your career and you lose your husband, you lose your career, too."

Check out the rest of the article here.

She Wants to Pay for Dates

Dear Terry,

I've a question about the initial "dating jitters." I meet guys locally, but I also date online.

I met a guy online, talked for 3-4 days over email and phone, and agreed to go out on a date. We live in different places, and we even had an informal talk about one of us moving to his/my city if things really got so far, based on the kind of jobs we might get. So far, so good.

He came over on a weekend, he had the flight ticket and hotel booked for him. I insisted on at least paying for the dinner locally and for tickets to concerts, tourist attractions here, and surprisingly even the waitress/waiter would say 'let the gentleman pay ma'am' (when I told him I'd pay, he still took his credit card out, and the waitress would take his all the time).

He said he's getting embarrassed before the waiters 'coz I wanted to share the expenses, and strongly insisted on me to not take out my credit card the next time.

Turned out, we both didn't feel we're right for each other after the date (we had different interests, he's type A, and I'm not and other such things and we had no chemistry intellectually or emotionally (we didn't get physical, though he made an gentle advance, I didnt give any encouragement). Anyway, we both called it off. After our date, I thanked him for taking me out, and offered to pay my share of the expenses, and he gently said it's okay. After few times, I couldn't drag it further.

Whatever it is, his income is irrelevant to me, and we're still two new people on a date. I still don't get it, he paid for a very major portion, flight and the hotel. Am I supposed to leave everything to the guy ?

(Even if it's a local guy- I'd genuinely offer to pay but the guys feel a little embarrassed that I insist sometimes, if he pays on 1st date, I insist to pay on 2nd ) which is sometimes refused and mostly not.

Contrary to this, few years ago, I went out on a date with a man who would always make me pay on dates, he got on to my nerves 'coz I wanted him to pay sometimes too, though not all the time ] - If I do that to a guy, won't he feel the same way I felt with the guy who let me spend all the time.

Interestingly, I read dating advice everywhere that, if a man doesn't pay on a date, or agrees to share expenses with you, he's not worth it blah blah. How true is that ?

This boils down to the question: Who's supposed to pay on dates in general? Is it okay ( 'coz I feel a little guilty - out of feeling, in case this doesn't work out, it's like the guy spent a lot of money on our dates which isnt that fair, you wouldn't always know it'd work and it's easy not to feel guilty to say NO to dating a guy just 'coz u feel obligated.)

Is it okay when the guys pay it all, all the time?

Your advice is greatly appreciated.

-Money to Spend

Dear Money-

I understand why you want to pay for dates. You're a considerate person. You're fair-minded. You don't want to hit anyone up for a free meal.

And a lot of guys claim they want a woman to pay, at least some of the time. But when you actually try to pay for one of them, lines blur, and they get confused: Maybe she's trying to tell me she's not interested.

So you let them pay for the first and second date. If you feel uncomfortable, you can casually say (after dinner, for instance), "I'm having such a great time. Would it be okay if I bought you a drink?" This way he knows you enjoy his company, but you're not on the prowl for a meal ticket.

If he says yes, great. Buy that drink. But if he insists on getting it, let him.

It comes as no mystery to me why you felt compelled to offer to split expenses after your date spent so much time and money coming to visit you (I would have felt the same way), but when a guy insists on paying, do yourself a favor and let him.

Console yourself with the probability that if the relationship shows promise, you will have plenty of opportunity to pay for him after, say, a third or fourth date, when you're both standing on surer ground.

If the idea letting him pay still sticks in your craw, remember this: Most women only earn about 72% of a man's salary for doing the same job. We get charged more for haircuts and drycleaning. So, let a man right the scales once in a while.

You're clearly not the type of woman who takes men for cash and prizes, so cut yourself some slack. Also, remember, letting a man for a date in no way obligates you to "get physical" with him, and any man who suggests otherwise would be better off hiring a hooker. He's kidding himself if he thinks he's going to find the love of his life.

And, as for men who refuse to pay on first dates, I'm afraid I have to agree with most of the dating advice you've already read: It suggests a rigid, paranoid personality, and it would turn me right off.

He Said He Loved Her, and Then He Said He Didn't Know

Dear Terry,

I need your suggestion and help. I love a guy I met through Internet.
In the beginning, I was not serious about him. He said he loved me. We are talking from around two months, and now sometimes he says he has never felt love, and then sometimes he says he loves me.

I'm having my exams after this week, and I am disturbed. I don't know what to do because I am serious about him. I haven't told anyone about this matter, so if you can help me, I will be very thankful.

- He Loves Me, Loves Me Not

Dear Loves Me-

First off, good luck with your exams. Concentrate on those exams!

Whenever a person tells you he loves you and soon after tells you he's never "felt love," it's time to reconsider his potential as a boyfriend. He's a sad character. He also could be a number of other things, including manipulative, wishy-washy, inconsiderate of others' feelings, or just plain lost.

You deserve better than this.

Furthermore, you mentioned that you weren't serious about him at first, but (if I'm reading this right) that you fell for him after he told you he loved you. A lot of us do this; a man tells us he loves us, and we look for reasons to return his affection because -- who knows? -- he might be our last chance.

But, until this guy gets his act together, I'd walk away, focus on my exams and my future, read a few good books, and decide to enjoy life. Remember the Golden Rule: "Treat others as you would have them treat you." Ask yourself, "Would I tell a man I loved him, and then turn around and tell him I'd never 'felt' love before?"

If the answer is no, ask yourself why you are allowing an individual who won't afford you the same consideration to hold such power over you. Life is too short for this nonsense.

I'll say it again: You deserve better.

-Terry

Ditch the Padded Bra

Dear Terry,

Thanks for the great blog, I admire it. I'm single woman, way far past the 'puberty' stage, and I've very small breasts, and I'm blessed with a beautiful face with great lips, and a slender figure (I eat a well balanced, healthy diet with meat--except red meat -- and vegetables).

I never minded having small breasts, (I'm size AA) until I faced many harsh comments from few guys saying - you don't have a trace of flesh anywhere on your body or that I'm the most handsome man they've seen!

Needless to say, these men made my heart bleed! And there was nothing I could say in return to them, as they were my so called 'friends' (not my dates).

Hearing these comments, started my struggle (and not really from having small breasts.) I didn't dare to date much or cut dates very quickly sometimes out of fear that I might get hurt from those men again too.

Even other girls used to call me 'flat' behind my back ! (I'd overhear them sometimes when they thought I was not around). They ripped my heart to pieces.

My real friends, hearing other girls, advised me to get some padded bras, so I don't need to listen to such nasty comments from anyone. I've been using them for years, they make me feel 'normal' by society's standards, and on a date, a man complimented me on my 'perfect figure,' so I felt bad that I was not perfect, and he perceives me to be so. And it was too awkward to tell him. Anyways before I could tell him, I knew he had a girlfriend (through another source) and was just wasting my time.

It took me lot of years to see how low these people are, (and the problem is them, not me ) to make a woman feel 'alien' for not having a perfect figure, and I had to read a lot to soar my confidence in all ways possible and realized, not all men like a woman just for her breasts! And I'm loved by my friends, guys and girls both for my persona!

I've been a very confident woman despite this,after the 'realization' dawned on me, and I don't take sub-standard behaviour from a man regardless of whatever, but then at the end of the day - I feel all the attention on my breasts when I try not to wear a padded bra and it's kind of embarassing to be looked like you're strange-as if you come from a different planet!

I hate to be looked at my chest for having a small one. So when I wear a padded bra and meet a man, I feel as if I'm faking my appearance, (I've good features and a glowing skin, so I hardly wear any make-up even and now I had to make a part of my body look fake?) and how I could let him know about my real figure, which I personally am not ashamed of,(no sleeping with guys until marriage = my church + heart's stance on sex), but hate the attention from people for being of a certain size.

How can I not wear the padded bra and still not feel odd in public, when I go on a date, or meet that gentleman ? How can I deal with it if I happen a meet a man with the padded bra ?

I only got a bunch of jerks as my boyfriendss, when they abuse me emotionally, and I try to break from them and protest, they'd say things about my body then. This of course, made me feel terrible. If there are men who respect a woman with a great personality like me, how am I not meeting them? What can I do to meet such men? (I'm against surgeries as I care for my health. I wouldn't at any cost give it as the price to just look 'perfect').

Your advice is greatly appreciated.I feel terribly confused and feel shy to discuss it with anyone.

-Attracting Jerks


Dear Attracting-

You wrote, "I felt bad that I was not perfect, and he perceives me to be so."

Yikes. Nobody is perfect, certainly not some clown who's dating you when he's already got a girlfriend.

And then you write, "...how low these people are, (and the problem is them, not me ) to make a woman feel 'alien' for not having a perfect figure...")

Yes, the problem is them, but if you've bought into the idea that you're alien if you don't have a perfect figure, the problem is also you. Nobody does have a perfect figure, by the way, and guess what? Even if a man or woman is the picture of physical perfection today, he or she may not be 10 years or even two months from now.

Life happens. Illness happens. Babies happen. Laziness happens. So, it really is who you are on the inside (and who a man is on the inside) that matters. Not money. Not looks. Not breasts.

With regard to emotionally abusive men: Why do you even bother? Why protest? Just stop returning calls and disappear. The same goes for these so-called 'friends' of yours, male or female, who find it necessary to comment on your body parts. Don't waste your breath on them. Just fade away.

If I were you, I'd stop wearing the padded bra, let those small breasts be exactly what they were made to be, and make the very most of wearing clothes that your fuller-figured sisters cannot wear. From your description, you're built like a model, so hold your head high and walk like one.

You say you have glowing skin, a beautiful figure, and a lovely face, so why are you concentrating on the one thing you perceive as a flaw? Why do you allow men who have the audacity to discuss this so-called flaw to infiltrate your airspace? (If a man commented any of my body parts, I'd dismiss him immediately. There's a red flag if I ever saw one.)

These women who talk about your flatness behind your back? They're not your friends. Did it ever occur to them they're jealous of you? And the men who make fun of your breasts when you try to break it off? Well, you've only confirmed their suspicions that they're not in your league, and they're lashing out. It's the oldest trick in the book.

By the way, have any of these men been physically perfect? Not a knobby knee, a hunched shoulder, a hairy back among them? Come on. None of us is physically perfect. Not George Clooney, not Angelina Jolie, not me, not you, not any of your 'friends,' either.

So, what do you have going for you besides your looks? Write a list. Bring it to mind whenever you're afraid that you don't have what it takes to attract a human being who will love you just as you are.

Where do you meet such a person? Through friends, through clubs or classes, through volunteer work. If you volunteer somewhere (a good friend of mine is going to New Orleans to help Hurricane Katrina victims with a group from her church), do it alone. Just make sure you're joining a safe and reputable organization. You're more likely to make new friends this way, and a new friend (male or female) may introduce you to the love of your life.

As a shy person, it helps to put yourself in places where you have to talk to people. If you bring a friend along, it's just too easy to talk to her and hide out from everyone else.

Surely, you've seen stories about people with genuine disabilities or deformities (we're not talking about small breasts here) who have attracted love and lasting relationships. You certainly have what it takes to do this.

Furthermore, one thing you must remember about breasts: Most of them sag after a while. They prohibit one from wearing certain clothes (the wrong cut turns the wearer into a sack of potatoes). You have been spared these problems.

Wear your small breasts proudly. Think of them as a blessing: A means of separating the worthy from the unworthy.

And remember, one of the most famous models of all time, Twiggy, had small breasts. They sure didn't hold her back from love, fame, or fortune.

Has Marriage Gone the Way of the Dinosaur?

Sandra Tsing Loh thinks so and wrote an article for The Atlantic to explain why, providing an interesting counter to the piece the same magazine published last year, entitled, "Marry Him--The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough." (We discussed that one here.) Psychologist Gail Saltz weighs in during Meredith Vieira's interview with Loh (wished Today had opted to give us more of an interview and less of that lengthy lead-in, though).

What's your opinion? Is marriage dead?

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Guys Who Go On and On and On About Themselves

Terry,

I'm a single girl in late 20's. I'm fairly good looking, intelligent, kind and caring, and have lots of self-respect.

When I date guys (via online dating sites), we usually talk over the phone for about a week or so, before we plan to meet up (due to distance concerns, etc.).

Also, it makes sense for me to know if we share anything in common to meet the guy on a real date (for eg: some guys make awful jokes even over the phone, mostly it sounds more disrespectful towards me or someone else than a joke! Or they talk ill about women in general, as in, "I think a man should be the one who makes decisions in relationships" etc ...or they behave weird, i.e. leave me three voice messages within 5-10 mins when the phone gets a weak signal).

Anyway, most of the guys I've dated, seem to talk too much about themselves, they ask nothing much about me after first 5,10 mins and then keep talking about themselves!

I suspect this is because, I ask them questions that make them talk about themselves in detail. But when I pause after they're finished, they don't ask anything about me, and still keep talking 'bout themselves! Because, I'm interested (in the guy), I'll say something about the topic they're saying, and it becomes all about what the guy's saying. Even if I pause later, he gets so engrossed talking about himself, he forgets he should also know about me.

Now this has happened with at least 15-16 guys that I had phone dates with. Somehow it turned out, they were not right to even meet, as they didn't match in other departments like kindness, consistency, or at least one shared interest etc. I got to know so much about the guy, as the guy spent most of the time talking about himself, so at the end, he's no idea about me, but I know an awful lot about him. It worked for me in some ways, that I could call it off, knowing what a creep he is, when he told stories about himself.

But, I feel tired on phone dates, listening to the guy forever. My friends tell me, I should take charge and also tell them about myself, as guys are not good at asking any questions (asking questions which make a girl talk about herself ).

I feel, asking things is a sign of interest, and may be they're only interested in themselves and narcissists.

But I doubt it, as they seem very disappointed when I call it off, even before the meeting ... and genuinely seem to like me, and always make that call at the time promised, and email me during the day. Some even insist on meeting, before I make a decision to move on that early. ( I always stick to my NO though. )

So, do I have to share things about myself without asking, or am I just attracting a bunch of narcissists?

I'm a little scared of commitment seeing these guys, and I know I wouldn't feel that way, when I meet that kind, intelligent, loyal, caring man. Am I doing something wrong? I'd like to know your views about where I went wrong, if that's the case.

-Sore Ear

Dear Sore Ear-

You're doing quite a bit right, feeling these people out before you agree to meet them. And no wonder they all seem to like you; everybody likes to be listened to, and since so few people are willing to be the listener, you come off like the ideal mate.

It's possible some of these guys are narcissists. It's possible that others are too nervous or too clueless to let you do some of the talking. You ask a question, they answer. They wait for your next question. You ask it, they answer. Some of them probably aren't even aware they're bad conversationalists because you're such a good one: You ask questions. You're interested in other people. You're a good listener.

Your friends are right, though. You need to interject. So, if you ask a guy what he likes best about his job, for example, let him answer. During that pause where you hope he'll ask you about your job, you say, "The great thing about my job is...."

If he listens, good. If he cuts you off, not good (you may indeed have a narcissist, or worse, a total bore on your hands). Once you find yourself slipping into that receptacle for information mode again, you can say (in a light and friendly way), "Hey, I've riddled you with enough questions. What would you like to know about me?"

I suspect you're somewhat shy about volunteering information about yourself. It really does feel better to be asked, to know that the other person actually cares. But you probably need to get out of your comfort zone on this one.

Interject! Volunteer! Speak up!

Did you really speak to a guy who said, "I think a man should be the one who makes decisions in relationships?"

Eek. I can't imagine that poor boy will get far in life!