Friday, February 06, 2009

In Love With a Married Man (Why Won't He Leave His Wife?)

Dear Terry,

I am writing to you out of frustration. I do not know if you would reply my email, but I would like to find a way out of my problem, so I write this email still.

Once, I had a relationship with a married man. However, one day he wanted to break up because he thinks our relationship is wrong and he does not want to make his life complicated. Upon hearing that, I reacted strongly since I love him dearly and I am quite sure he loves me too. I begged, cried, shouted at him. You name it. At first, he still answered my calls and talked to me, though coolly. Nevertheless, one day he asked me not to contact him anymore.

A few months later, his wife sent me a message confronting my relationship with him. I was very shocked because I had never thought he would confess to her. At that time, I was furious at him for not only breaking up with me but also exposing our relationship to his wife. Yet, my fury did not last long. Several days later, I realized that I still love him. This happens all the time I feel angry, even until now.

Becoming another woman is unpopular, so I could not discuss my relationship freely with my friends. There are very few who finally know because I feel I am about to burst keeping this inside my chest for so long. My friends suggest letting him go because he is not worthy and because our relationship is wrong and impossible (our religious belief does not allow divorce). However, deep inside my heart I want him and only him. I love him and only him. That is why I ignore my friends' suggestions and practice affirmation.

I have been practicing affirmation for about 1 year with no clear results. It is difficult to keep on practicing (and I do easily discouraged) when the facts are not favourable towards me (Honestly, I should say that things spiraled down afterwards) and my friends do not support me (I hate when they tell me to move on). I could not picture myself with another but I don't know how to get back with him. I have tried every way possible and acceptable for me, but still no results.

This problem has really clipped my spirit and robbed my peace of mind that it starts affecting my work and my social relations. Do you have any suggestion whatsoever? Thank you so much, at least for reading this far.

-In Love

Dear In Love,

I am so sorry about the unhappiness and frustration you're feeling.

Here is the truth: The man left the relationship, and no effort (mental, emotional, or physical) can bring him back. He is gone to you.

Affirmations work in drawing the right person to you; you specify the qualities you want in a man. You don't specify which particular man you want because that person may not be the right one for you. And a married man just isn't.

Have you ever thought about what it would really be like if he fulfilled your fantasy and left his wife for you? Over time, would his guilt over the situation cause him to resent you? Would your guilt cause you to resent him? Would you worry that because he left one woman for you, he would one day leave you for another woman?

It doesn't matter if he loves you, or if he doesn't. He knows the relationship is wrong, and he can't live with it. He's not going to live with it.

You say you love him and can't picture yourself with anyone else. You are living in a self-imposed prison when you deserve to be free and happy.

Let yourself get used to the fact that this man isn't coming back. Accept it. Let it hurt. And then you can start to feel better. Since you can't picture yourself with anyone else, don't. You're not ready yet.

You need time on your own. Spend time taking very good care of yourself, doing the things you liked doing before this man entered the picture. Treat yourself as you would a beloved child. Before long, the curtain will lift and the sun will filter in, and you'll feel your first glimmer of happiness.

Please take me seriously. You need to take steps to reclaim your life, or you'll wake up five years from now, still stuck but sadder and older.

I'll keep you in my thoughts, and I wish you the very best.

Terry

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much Terry for your advice to this woman. I have been in a relationship with a married man now for 9 years. You were correct to tell her that if she doesn't let this hurt right now that she will indeed me sadder and older in five year. I am 9 years out sadder and older and so deep into despair and depression I don't know how to pull myself out at this point. No matter how many times those of my friends that knew told me he was no good and to get out, I convinced myself this just was not true. Those loving feelings he and I shared in time turned to resentment between the both of us and let me tell you nothing and I do mean NOTHING hurts worse than waking up one day realizing that this relationship you sacrificed so much of yourself for has gone sour rather than letting things go when you could still remember the love you shared. My heart is on fire with pain and I pray every day for the healing I am so hungry for. I pray this woman moves on with her life before she becomes me and no longer finds life worth living.