Friday, January 04, 2008

She's Dating A Married Man

Hi Terry,

Thank you so much for your emails. The more I read them, the more wisdom I accumulate.

It's this time of the year when I really reflect on my love life, and what I'm really looking for. I divorced four years ago when I found out my ex-husband had kept a mistress. It broke my heart completely, and I could not forgive him.

But strangely, four years later, the same situation comes up except I am the other girl this time. There is this married man who's been very interested in me. His wife has a three-month-old baby. I know it's immoral, but our chemistry has been unbelievable. He's even better than my ex. Our casual sex was really good each time.

I had tried to keep a distance from him, but he can't help seeing me whenever he can. I let him know I see other guys too, and he lets me know he keeps seeing other girls, too. But then again, he sees me whenever. He's all quiet now when we have sex. I know he's sad also because he can't say anything or do anything about the situation, apart from just enjoying each other's bodies.

His parents were divorced when he was 12. Is that the reason that makes him a compulsive cheater? Will that eventually lead to big problem for his marriage? His wife might sense something but is unlikely to divorce him.

Funny I used to despise those who cheat, but after a few times, I don't feel too guilty about it. But at the same time, I can forgive my husband for what he did because now I understand why he did it.

It's circle of life and I'm running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?

Meanwhile, I'm thinking of doing online dating, I want to know more about a man first by email before I see him. Is it a good idea?

-Running around

Dear Running-

I'm so sorry that your husband cheated on you. I can only imagine how devastated you must have felt.

But you know how you felt, so I urge you to consider the feelings of the woman who is married to the man you're currently sleeping with. I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know what has driven this man to cheat compulsively. I do think that if his wife learns about his infidelity or even suspects it, it will have a terrible effect on their relationship.

You say the chemistry between you is fantastic, but a lot of the time good chemistry results from forbidden passion, not from love or mutual respect. I have a hunch that if if this guy ever gave up his wife and all his other girlfriends, you'd be bored with him in 10 minutes. The thrill would be gone.

Since he does seem to be spreading himself a bit thin, I encourage you to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases (that is, if you decide to keep seeing him, and I hope you won't).

You mentioned, "It's circle of life and I'm running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?" But you're wrong. There may be a circle of life, but there is definitely a difference between right and wrong. The best advice I can give you is to treat others as you would have them treat you. (And if they don't treat you as you would treat them, it's time to reconsider the relationship.)

If you wouldn't want someone else to do something to you, don't do it to her. Please give the relationship with the married man serious thought. Sure, it's fun, but somebody is going to get hurt.

My mother used to say, "Life has a way of catching up with people." For your own good, stop poaching other women's men. It's rotten karma.

As for online dating, I do recommend it. In 2007, two of my friends became engaged to people they met online. Before you join a service, though, decide on an objective. Do you want a serious relationship? Marriage? Or a guy you can just get together with once in a while?

Write a list of the qualities you'd like him to have. Write a list of the qualities you have to offer.

Believe that you can have the relationship you want. More important, believe that you deserve it.

I think you're wise to get to know a guy you meet online before you agree to meet him. When you decide you're ready, meet him in a safe, neutral location (a restaurant or a coffee shop) and provide your own transportation. Don't get into cars with strangers.



S said...

I have a friend, who met this marriedn man and started dating him.. A man who had a young child, (the baby was a few months old.)
He was always with her, basicly started living with her after the first time they met..
The previous relationship evidently hadn't been working for some time, and the baby had been the last ditch to save a shaky relationship.

Now - a year and half later he has lefthis ex-wife, and is freshly married to this girl. He still is crazy about my friend.. and the ex-wife has a new boyfriend..
The child is visiting his father regularly, and my friend is a step-mother.

So.. all first marriages are not made in heaven.
If a man shows with his behavour that you are the main thing in his life, and acts upon it..
I don't judge my friend, I don't judge her husband either.
Life isn't simple, no-one else can make iron clad rules for you what to do.
I wouldn't want my husband to stay with me, just because of a child.. I am rather free to find someone else, than a chain and a ball for him..

I do agree with you in the point that it is idiotic to hang around a a married man who promises but doesn't deliver.. and uses excuses.. or someone who ignores you after he has got what he wanted.
My advide it decide what you want, and don't blame others for your own choices. You are responsible for your own life - no-one else can do it for you.

Anonymous said...

Have to agree with s...all is not black or white. There is some gray area. Just because a man is marreid does not mean it is a good marriage. In this day and age, the odds are against most people staying married for 50 years.... though it is beautiful when it happens!

A similar thing happened to my friend....they have been happily (as far as I know) married for 10 years!

Terry said...

S- You're right, all first marriages are definitely not made in heaven.

Anon- no, most marriages don't make it to 50 years, and a lot of them shouldn't, especially if one person is mistreating the other (and that happens all too often).

Thank you both for your comments!

Sassy said...

I just have to weigh in here. I have a big issues with quality women dating married men. Please stand up and say, "If you'd like to date me, you'll have to be single first. Then call me."

I was in a position where I was the wife. And it not only hurt deeply and ruined my marriage, it also impacted lots of other people like my Mom, relatives and friends.

Yes, marriages don't always last. But don't YOU be the reason for the break-up. You're worth a partner who isn't lying and cheating.

Terry said...

Thanks for the comment, Sassy.

If you get the guy who cheated on his wife, you get a guy who's cheated on his wife. You know he's capable of deception.

I'd be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life, myself.

S said...

"If you get the guy who cheated on his wife, you get a guy who's cheated on his wife. You know he's capable of deception."

My world is based on certain principles. Those include we all are capable of deception - Like we all are capable of killing another person - to defend ourselves, or our child.
Do most of us do those things? No, but with right circumstances that can happen.

It doesn't mean that I don't trust, it only means that I know I have to know the other person well enough to know what are his triggers.
When someone doesn't want to lose me, values me, he won't let me down. You can hear that from his words, how he speaks to you, how he treats you..
In my world cherishing, trusting and valuing the person you are with, is the best guarantee against being cheated.
Doubting your partner.. that is sign of impending doom.

Anonymous said...

hello, i too was a married and my husband had a mistress. he left me for her. as devistated as i was once i got past the pain, i was so much better off, i lost myself in him. i'm so much happier now. But Now i am the other women. this relationsip with a married man has tore me to pieces. he told me he was seperated just long enough for me to get attached. I do know how it feels and morally it is wrong. i believe in karma and it scares me to death. the married man treats me for exactly what i am the other women, i am not respected nor appreciated and now i'm trying to get out.....sounds a lot easier then it is, because my heart is so involved. but i am on my way to loving myself again..