To the Reader Who Submitted a Question (which I Somehow Lost)

You're the reader who submitted a question about a man you once dated quite seriously, who later got involved with someone else. After that relationship ended, he started up with you again, only to tell you that the other woman was his 'soulmate.'

The bottom line was, he says he doesn't want to take things further with you. You love him, and you're confused and hurt.

(I hope I remember all the details correctly.)

First, let me apologize profusely for having somehow hit the wrong button, which sent your very important question (which was, essentially, how do you get him to change his mind?) into some never-ending rabbit hole.

I am so sorry.

I am also sorry about the situation with this man, but the worst thing you can do is try to convince him that you're the woman for him. Trust me. The more you do this, the more he'll be convinced the other woman really is the soul mate who got away.

You're in a lot of pain, obviously, so the best thing you can do is take extremely good care of yourself. Treat yourself as a treasure yet to be discovered (in other words, if you actually were with this guy, how would you want him to treat you? Treat yourself that way.)

You'd do well to stay busy. I think it's way too early to try to be this guy's supportive friend, and if you do it in the hopes that he'll come to his senses that you're the woman for him, I fear you'll be disappointed.

Fill your time with good, supportive, fun people who make you laugh. Avoid any living person needles you by bringing his name up out of the blue, as in, "Have you heard from X?" Or, "So what's going on with you and X?" (Tell people who love you and make the mistake of bringing him up that you're moving on and have taken his name out of your vocabulary.)

Also, avoid people who try to justify his behavior as a reason for you to be patient, as in, "You know, he's afraid of getting hurt. Give him time."

Guess what? Everybody (including you, I imagine) is afraid of being hurt.

Stop worrying about him. Stop talking about him altogether. Do your best to stop thinking of him.

Please let this guy go. In your absense, it's possible he'll miss you. If he does, tread very carefully with him. Don't rush into his arms. Guard your heart.

If he doesn't miss you, well, you'll be that much farther along in enjoying your new life --and all its possibilities -- without him.

Never underestimate the power of letting go. You'll get stronger, for one thing. If you treat yourself well (instead of the rejected girl or the loser at love) and open yourself to the possibility that there's someone out there who you wouldn't have to arm-twist into seeing your greatness, you will become used to being treated well. You will have raised your standards.

And that also is a powerful thing. It's also attractive.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you have a chance, drop me a line and let me know how you're doing.

Tell Him to Have a Happy Life

Dear Terry-

My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for about 5 years. He is 29, a few months ago he received a scholarship from his work to do Masters Degree in UK, which I found out from the other people. Since then he's been treating me like trash, planning his trip without telling me anything, making long calls to certain woman who is in UK, but from here, he denied having an affair with her.

Three weeks ago he took me to his place, telling me he doesn’t want to be cheating anymore; that woman is his girlfriend, he and I have no future together and when he goes to UK they will be together.

I wrote him an e-mail telling him to have a happy life, and he should stop calling and email me because he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with me while there is another woman in his life, when we meet we shall smile. He emphasizes that they are so into it; I said nothing.

He began calling me every day after three days sending texts that he has changed his mind he wants to be with me and take me with him.

The funny thing is our parents don’t know about us. I asked him for something formal which he refused, I respect my parents. I can't just go just like that. As of now, I told him that we should never have sex, and I will never visit his place unless he proves he really wants to be with me by introducing me to his parents and visit mine.

I am confused, Terry. Does he love me, or does he just want to use me because he didn’t say the relationship is over with her? I don’t know what to do.

I need your help.

-Confused

Dear Confused-

Would you allow a friend to treat you this way? Wouldn't you have doubts about a friend who refused to introduce you to her parents? Who announced your friendship didn't have a future, and then called and emailed to tell you she'd changed her mind?

I suspect you'd have serious reservations about such a person. I would, anyway.

You were right (and dignified, I might add) when you told this man to stop contacting you, and to have a happy life. The next time he contacts you, please tell him what he told you: "We have no future together."

Does he love you, you ask? I think a man who behaves this way only loves himself. I don't think he is capable of making you happy. I don't believe he is capable of making any woman happy.

Can you imagine being saddled with this person for the rest of your life? He'd make you miserable.

You're better off without him, but I suspect you already know this. Stop building him up in your mind. Evict him! He's just not good enough for you.

-Terry