She Doesn't Want Him to Think She's a Slut

Hi, Terry-

I am a 33-year-old woman who was in a 13-year relationship that is not working out. I want to try to start dating again.

I met this guy who I liked and hung out with him and some other friends. We somehow got separated from the friends and ended up at his house. Of course, he wanted to have sex. I was not sure if it's ok to have sex being with someone the first time. Or should I wait? We were kissing and touching and things got heavy, but I put a stop to it. I don't want him to think I am a tease. My question is, is it ok to have sex on the first date or on the first time meeting? Would he think that I am a slut or too easy? If you can please answer my question, I would appreciate it. Thank you.

-Not a Slut

Dear Not-

You've been out of the dating scene since you just left your teens, so it's new and unfamiliar territory.

Here are some things you need to know:

-When you meet a new man, and his goal is to have sex (as opposed to spending time and getting to know you), he may be especially charming and "somehow separate" you from other people so that he can have sex with you.

-Whether it is okay to have sex with a person you just met is entirely up to you, but first you might want to find out if he takes regular showers, is free of disease, and possesses a soul.

-You should never worry about a man you had sex with thinking you're a slut. He had sex with you, too. Do you think he's a slut? A man who would have sex with you and call you a slut is a hypocrite. Discard him immediately.

You say you want to start dating again. What's your goal? Do you want to meet a man you can love and spend the rest of your life with? Or do you want to take time off from serious relationships and just play the field for a while?

While it's possible to find love after sex on a first meeting, it usually doesn't happen. People tend to get freaked out about what they should expect and how they should behave. So, if it's a relationship you want, hold off on the sex. Get to know the guy.

Make sure he's even worth your time.

The Real Reasons People Have Sex

The current print edition of Radar magazine excerpts a list of 237 reasons people gave for having sex from the Archives of Sexual Behavior. Here are some of my favorites:

I wanted to have more sex than my friends

I wanted to "gain control" of the person

I wanted to be nice

It seemed like good exercise

I wanted to get a raise

I felt sorry for the person

I wanted to reaffirm my sexual orientation

Someone dared me

It became a habit

I wanted to keep warm

It would get me gifts

I wanted to change the topic of conversation

I wanted to end the relationship

I was tired of being a virgin.