Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Raise Your Standards to Stop Attracting Substandard Men

Terry-

My boyfriend is very open with me and loves, as well as respects me. He treats me exceptionally well, and you can see he loves me. We spend a great deal of time together in pretty much one place - the sports bar.

We attend sporting events, and if we can find anything else to do, we will. I live with my parents and don't quite know where he lays his head now that he supposedly moved out of the house he shared with an ex-girlfriend. I decided it was time for me to have my own place to live and began my search. Just when I decided on the right apartment, I lost my job.

So now we are at a point where the need is still present for us to have a home to spend time in (his or mine), and neither of us have that. He knows where I live however, after we leave each other, I don't know where he goes to. I have dealt with it for a very long time, patiently waiting for him to tell me the things I know he hasn't said. I don't always want to be so patient. I don't know what to do.

-Waiting for Answers


Dear Waiting-

A couple of things stick out for me from your message. Here's one:

"I live with my parents and don't quite know where he lays his head now that he supposedly moved out of the house he shared with an ex-girlfriend."

The phrases that trouble me in that sentence are:

"...don't quite know where he" and "...supposedly moved out."

Here's another sentence that bothers me:

"I don't know where he goes to. I have dealt with it for a very long time, patiently waiting for him to tell me the things I know he hasn't said."

Now, I get it that he treats you extemely well when you're in the sports bar. He probably treats you as if you're the only woman on earth. When you're together, you're walking on air. You're absolutely tingling.

But when you're not together, you're walking around with giant question marks in your head:

WHERE DOES HE GO AFTER HE LEAVES ME?
WHERE DOES HE LIVE?
IS HIS EX STILL IN THE PICTURE?

You get scared. Then you get sad. Then you try to line up evidence to make your case that he does, indeed, love you. Then you get happy. And then you remember that you don't know where the hell he goes after he tells you goodnight. Yout get scared again. You can't sleep. You don't know what to do. You can't concentrate at work. You can't take it anymore.

And then you see him again, and everything's beautiful. The birds are singing, the stars are winking just for you.

You are on a roller coaster, and you must get off.

If you don't know where a man lives, you do not have a relationship (or, if you know where he lives, but he refuses to let you in, you do not have a relationship).

Right now, you are meeting a guy in a bar who seems to really, really, really like you. He may say he loves you and appears to be 'open' with you in every other way, but if he does not let you know where he lives, he is not being straight with you.

In other words, his words and actions are one big jumble.

I know you don't want who hear this (who does?), but here' s the good news. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

You deserve a guy who not only lets you know where he lives, he actually invites you there. He never makes you lie awake wondering about why he says one thing and then does another.

Stop torturing yourself. You say you don't know what to do, but I'll tell you what I would do.

I would stop going to that sports bar, and if that man called me to find out why, I'd tell him the truth: "I know where my friends live. I know where my family lives. I don't know where you live. I don't know where you go. I don't know very much about you at all."

Until a man's actions line up with his words, let this be your mantra: "I CAN DO BETTER."

Because you surely can (but only if you believe you can).

Terry


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4 comments:

searchingwithin said...

I think she knows the answers, and where it is he is actually laying his head at night, that is precisely why she worded her letter the way she did.

Those darn rose colored glasses. With them we do actually see, we just choose to add roses to what we see, and know through denial, then we seem to be content being on that roller coaster, rather than to take of the glasses and get off the ride.

Terry said...

I know what you mean. As soon as I finished reading, I said, "Ah, man" and closed my laptop.

Responding to letters like this is no fun at all.

I hope she will get off that ride and allow herself to attract a guy who's fun not only in a bar but fun, reliable, and trustworthy everywhere else.

Ronnie - The Dating Coach said...

Terry - This is a tough one and you handled it so beautifully. I totally agree with your wise and insightful advice.

It's hard to look at what we don't want to know. But usually, it's the most important thing we can do for ourselves. I hope you encouraged her enough to ask the tough questions and discover the truth.

Jokah Macpherson said...

"...don't quite know where he lays his head now..."

Did you try asking him?