Wednesday, April 29, 2009

She Keeps Sabotaging Herself in Love and Life

Hi Terry,

What do you do when your whole adult dating life has been this: "I see you only as a friend, a buddy, nothing more? I cannot handle anything more than that. Do you understand?"

This has been the story of my life, every man I ever dated, I was always the friend. The buddy. Nothing more. Now it is happening again. A man I dated for 3 years, suddenly decided, after I sent him an email asking for more than what we have. He said "I am not able to give you any more. I hope you never thought of me as a boyfriend, I never was." I only saw you as a friend, whose company I enjoyed. If you want more, then I suggest we end this now."

Before I sent the email, this man was very romantic with me, very kind. He was moving slowly, but moving in the right direction. With every guy I have ever dated I have played the same game. I can look back on my life and realize that I keep making the same mistake. I am 52 years old, never been in love, never been able to get past the friendship.

Every guy tells me I play too many games. I do not seem to learn from past mistakes. I do the same things with every job I have. Funny, I have been fired from every job I ever had. And forget references, they do not exist.

The man I am dating now wants to talk to me on Friday. I know what the talk is. How do I move on, or repair the damage I have done? And how do I stop sabotaging my life?

-Answer Me

Dear Answer Me:

Your letter breaks my heart.

You're wise to have come to the conclusion that you are the common denominator in your problems. Many people never, ever do that and keep making the same mistakes forever.

To find out why you keep sabotaging yourself, it's important that you contact a (good) licensed therapist, someone who will help you stop the sabotage so you can achieve a healthy, loving relationship and the ability to succeed in a job. With the right help, you can turn things around.

In the meantime, I recommend you read a wonderful book by Louise Hay entitled You Can Heal Your Life. It's helped many people, including me.

I wish you every good thing in the world, and I truly respect you for taking responsibility to change things.



Jokah Macpherson said...

Wow, this is horrible.

I am curious what this woman means when she says she wants, "something more." Does she mean that none of her men want to have sex with her or that they don't want to marry her or what? At any rate, I am guessing that she has never been particularly sexy or these problems would not have existed when she was younger. I worry that if some kind of deep relationship is her goal she may have quality control issues with whatever man would go along with that. I'm all for trying to make the best of the situation but this woman is only bringing so much to the table and may have to ask herself some hard questions in the end.

This is one of the reasons I distrust the Democratic party. They live in the fantasy that economic inequality is the only kind of inequality. I wouldn't wish this woman's 3+ decades of suffering on my worst enemy yet her innate nature led her straight into it. I hope she is able to effect a change in her life that leaves her more satisfied.

Susan said...

I agree, Terry - what tremendous introspection and honesty for your reader to admit that she is at the heart of her problems, which have spilled into many areas of her life. The good news is, I believe, with professional help, she can be the one -- and is the only one -- who can change things for the better.

Good luck, Answer Me!

Anonymous said...

"Every guy tells me I play too many games. I do not seem to learn from past mistakes. I do the same things with every job I have. Funny, I have been fired from every job I ever had. And forget references, they do not exist."

This was such an interesting post because on the one hand I could totally relate to sticking around with a relationship that isn't going anywhere in hopes that it will...but then there is the above quote that might give some more insight.

Mostly in that you are self-reflecting anyway, so I would be curious what the games are? It could be you were told this by a less than kind individual that just wants to make everything about you; but DO you play games?

Jobs aren't romantic relationships but they are relationships. I actually have learned a lot about myself and how I relate to others in part from my professional relationships.

A good therapist is a great idea. If you had someone you trusted they would be more insightful of the details of each job loss or romantic relationship.

Good luck. Sam