Wednesday, May 06, 2009

She Attracts Married Men

Hi Terry,

Why is it I attract all the wrong men all the time? Why do I keep
attracting married men, who I don't want?

And all the single men aren't keepers....

Magnet for the Married Man

Dear Magnet-

Sometimes we attract the wrong men because we're subconsciously afraid of attracting the right one. Attracting the right one offers the possibility of a committed relationship, and that scares the daylights out of a lot of us.

It used to scare the daylights out of me.

This may or may not apply to you, but more than one married man has told me that he suddenly became irresistible to single women once he started wearing a wedding ring. Married men can be perceived as mature, grounded, responsible, sexy, and -- oh, yeah -- off limits. And being off limits presents a compelling challenge for a lot of women. The fact that she will probably never trip over his underwear on on a daily basis appeals to her on subconscious level.

You mention that single men are not keepers. Okay, definitely many single men are not keepers. But single men with the attractive qualities of their married counterparts exist.

Which begs the question: How come you're not meeting them?

It's possible you are meeting them, but you're not attracted to them because, on some level, you don't want a relationship. It really helps to take out a pen right this minute and write the word 'MARRIAGE' on top of a piece of paper. Then, without censoring yourself, write down every single word or phrase that comes to mind.

You may be surprised what you find out. Some women find themselves with a list that looks like this:

-loss of identity

And so on.

As you can see, some of the impressions are positive, and some of them are decidedly negative. But, once you find out what you fear about committed relationships, you can face those fears and turn them around. For instance, would you have to lose your identity if you got married? Can you think of examples of women who didn't? Is infidelity a factor in every marriage, or is that an idea you picked up from a tabloid headline while waiting to check out at the supermarket (I'm not making fun of you; media messages are insidious and powerful).

Once you face your fears, it's very possible you'll find yourself attracting -- and just as important --being attracted to available men.

Good luck.


Anonymous said...


What about a married women attracting single men ?Why

Jokah Macpherson said...

She doesn't want married men and the single men aren't keepers...

I think I see the problem here.

Terry said...


If a married woman's attracting any men, it means she's attractive.

And if the single guys she's attracting tend not to go for available women, they probably have the same problem as women who are only attracted to married men.

Hope I'm clear here. Need caffeine. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Maybe it is just that so many men of a certain age who are single are so for a good reason. Hence, one of the reasons women seek married men? Just a thought.

Ronnie Ann Ryan - The Dating Coach said...

The "married men" theme comes up for so many single women and you handled it beautifully here. I loved the word association - fantastic exercise and very telling. I'm going to share that with my readers.

Anonymous said...

Like you mentioned, the world validates what you believe. If you believe that all single men are losers then that is exactly what you will get. I am a single woman and luckily I am interested in single men and put my time and energy into meeting and socializing with single men. I find that some single men are decent and some single men are losers. That is just life. Your blog is great btw! good advice