Friday, May 08, 2009

Her Son Doesn't Want Her to Date

Hi Terry,

I met a man on an online dating service. He emailed me to tell me that he is interested in speaking to me. He immediately gave me his number. I called him and we talked. He called me on Monday. We had a date set up for Thursday, and my son who is grown man sabotaged the whole date by calling him on the phone telling him not to call on this number.

The guy called me back and told me that he cannot make it Thursday and will call me next week. My son does not want me to date because he doesn't trust my judgement. My previous boyfriend was dysfunctional. I read your column and have learned a lot from your advice. What can I do about the above situation with my son?

Not Thrilled

Hello, Not Thrilled-

You're an adult, so you should be able to make your own decisions. However, you mention that your former boyfriend was "dysfunctional," and since this could mean any number of things, I don't know whether your son is controlling, or if he's truly justified in wanting to protect you.

You say your son doesn't trust your judgement. Have you tried asking him what it'll take to change that? If he's right about the ex-boyfriend (notice I said if), do you see now how you might have accepted unacceptable situations and behaviors? Are you willing not to accept such treatment again in the future?

Most of us have experienced dating a person who didn't treat us well, but it's critical to not to make a habit of falling for such people. In other words, heed the signs and get the hell out of there.

Let me ask you a question: Why do you want to date in the first place? What is your goal? Are you looking for that "friendship that has caught fire," as Ann Landers (I think it was she, although it may have been her sister, Dear Abby) used to say?

Or are you looking for a man to make you feel worthwhile?

If it's the friendship-on-fire, good for you. Date people who treat you with love, kindness, and respect. If it's the man to make you feel worthwhile, please know that nobody is ever going to make you feel worthwhile but you. Self-worth comes from you. Interestingly, when women feel good about themselves, they attract good men.

Now, it's entirely possible that your son is out of line. If he has a history of controlling behavior, it's time for you to set boundaries. He shouldn't be screening your calls.

If you choose to see this new man, please remember to meet him in a public place. Take your own transportation. Get to know him (keep your eyes and ears open) before you let him into your car, home, and life.

I hope this helps.


Open Your Heart to the Love said...

In my opinion, the son has no right to take over this woman's dating life, and partner choices, whether she has a bad track record or not. She needs to set her son yesterday.

She is a grown woman, and it is up to her to get herself right with herself, not her sons, or anyone else, for that matter. The fact that the son believes he has the right to step in to this extent, causes me to raise a brow.

And the fact that she is allowing this behavior from her son to begin with, is a big red flag that she is not right with herself, and in need of some inner work.

Trent said...

Hi, my mother has a habit of falling for jerks, sorry for the plain way of saying it but it is just known fact if you know my mother...

I refused to let any of her dates in the house without having to deal with my "shenanigans" and most of her boyfriends promptly left, being the jerks that they are, they didn't want to even try to deal with me because they felt it just wasn't worth it...

Now that I am moved out of the house, I have not said a word to any of her boyfriends and if i feel one is a jerk, i simply talk straight to my mom about it...

My point is, if your son is out of the house, or even still in the house, this should be dealt with on a more mature level... Yeah I would love to call all of her boyfriends and tell them to shove off, but her actions involving her boyfriends do not affect my life directly anymore, so I have to just get over myself...

Your son acting this way is not appropriate, and you should definitely take some action towards this behavior...


Chilli Chillz said...

I read this but yea I agree, but I met my wife over the internet too. I don't think the son should act like that cause I know I would love for my mother to find love.