Monday, April 20, 2009

She's Having Trouble Visualizing a Perfect Relationship

Dear Terry,

I bought your e-book recently and your tips make perfectly sense to me. However I have a question about how to generate that warm and strong FEELING when you think of the man who possesses all of your desired qualities. I came up with a generous, caring, creative, exciting, faithful, loyal, cosmopolitan, emotionally expressive and committed guy)...a long list ...I know :-)

I can say these qualities, write them down ( I did!), but I cannot somehow FEEL them in my stomach and the man who comes along with these qualities. and I realize how important that part is in attracting what you want. I played with different qualities, different words but that didn't change anything..I cannot picture this man or feel him being with me.

After three long relationships ( 2-3 years) which were partly good, painful or just didn't work out I somehow I cannot FEEL anymore that this man exists.

Can you help?

Thank you so much!


Hello, M.-

When I started visualizing, I found it just as difficult to 'feel' emotion as you do now.

So I can tell you that if you persist in visualizing, the pieces (which feel very mechanical and unnatural right now) will start to fit, the person you envision will begin to flesh out, and you will start believing this relationship is not a product of your imagination but a fact of your life. So please keep it up.

Also, if you can think of specific disappointing incidents between you and former boyfriends, write them down, and then ask yourself what emotion you felt at the time (boredom, sadness, anger?), and then ask yourself, "How could this situation be changed so that in a future relationship I feel joy?"

In other words, if you once found yourself eating cold french fries under fluorescent light in a fast food restaurant, noting the size of your then-boyfriend's pores, wondering if that particular relationship was as good as it would ever get for you, ask yourself: What would have made that situation joyful instead (a restaurant with better food and lighting, and, oh, maybe a waiter; conversation with a much-different guy in which you found yourself excited and laughing?)

What, for instance, would you and this emotionally expressive guy you're now envisioning do together? Where do you go? What do you talk about? What do you see, hear, feel, smell, and taste? (He's cosmopolitan; you meet him after work. What's he wearing? Where are you going? If it's drinks and dinner, where do you go for drinks and dinner? What's the temperature? What do you eat? And so on....)

All you really need is to create one joyful situation and keep bringing it to mind throughout the day. You've already started the ball rolling by writing the qualities down, so now bring this man and the relationship you desire to live in your imagination. Keep going. Joy and excitement will begin to rise up.

It also helps (a great deal) to listen to music that hits you in the solar plexus when you're doing visualizations (these days it's Coldplay for me; once upon a time it was Simple Minds and Kate Bush).

I hope this helps.



Bridget said...

Terry, I just wanted to comment that today's post was very meaningful to me. I just ended a 3 year, live-in relationship with someone that I'd hoped to marry, and it's been devastating trying to hold my head high and start over. I am physically sick with the feeling of loss and heartbreak. I am 40 and it is scary to start over again. But that relationship, for as much love as there was, was toxic to me. There were a lot of issues in his life (kids, crazy ex, lack of work) that were taking a toll on me. Long term, it is better that I got out. Your post reminded me to think of all the reasons why the relationship *wasn't* what I wanted/needed, to heal and use the experience/lessons I learned to look for one that is. Keep posting good stuff like this!

Anonymous said...

It works this is true- I can't believe its happen to me. But now.... I have read all the books, did everthing that was told, and yes I got him back and he has asked me to commit to him as he is now to me. I am afraid to feel this heppy. But this is where the problem starts- I lose them here-and my fear is on my mind constantly- Is there some advice, some book to give me guidelines where to go from here and not lose him again? How to build and stay in a committed relationship. I've lost so much too often I don't want to lose again.

Cameron Sharpe said...

Looking back when i was younger, i would tend to blame others for so many things that was happening to me. i was kinda self-centered. with age and experience, i mellowed, i saw reason, i began to adjust, rather than making other people adjusting to me or expecting them to do so. the change had to be with me first, and this has made a whole lot of difference.