Good Vibe Coach Jeannette Maw sent a link to the video in which The Biggest Loser winner Ali Vincent explains how she used visualization, acting 'as if,' and other Law of Attraction methods to lose 112 pounds.
What does this have to do with dating, you ask? Well, I used these very same methods to attract the house I live in, my children, and--oh, yeah--the man I married.
Check out the video by clicking here.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The Dating Chameleon: She Becomes Whatever He Wants
Hi Terry,
I have friend who becomes whatever her boyfriend wants her to be. Her last one hated anything Science Fiction, so she hated anything Science Fiction. He collected guns, so she went from supporting gun control laws to saying, "God and Guns made us Free." He wanted her skinny, so she starved herself. He wanted a redhead, so she dyed her hair.
To my friend, her boyfriend's word was the law, she believe everything he said. But, she never meet his coworkers, his family called her a gold digger, and she has and is still dating him after 13 years. She keeps telling me he is the one, the one God sent to her.
Why do women do this? I have talked to men, and overall they do not like it. Did we learn this from our mothers, our female teachers, our pastors (who preached submission) what is the reason, and why?
I have a degree in Human Behavior, so things like this interest me.
-Gotta Know
Dear Gotta-
This kind of thing has always interested me, too. I'm no psychologist (or human behaviorist), but your friend's problem is low self-esteem. In other words, a man's never going to love her for who she really is, so she must mold herself to fit his expectations.
It sounds exhausting.
And you're right. Healthy, normal, well-adjusted men are pretty freaked out when a woman comes along and transforms herself into what she thinks he wants. The control freaks, the losers, and the abusers just love it, though. It makes them feel powerful.
Back to the question of low self-esteem: A lot of it does develop in childhood. I took some pretty wild abuse from nuns that took some conscious effort to get over, for example. But I did get over it. It can be done.
Your question about pastors is a good one. Church is great, but I don't know that it's the best place to meet men. Certain churches are a magnet for guys with a "Wives submit to your husbands in all things..." mentality that Christ did not preach but St. Paul did. (I would argue that St. Paul was a man preaching to certain people in certain times, and he was not Christ.)
And then the media program little girls from the time they can figure out the remote to believe they need a man and should cater to him mentally, emotionally, and physically. My husband often asks, "Why are women so eager to hate themselves?" I tell him, "Turn on the television."
I do hope your friend will think twice about blaming God for sending this guy her way, especially since, after 13 years, his family calls her a gold digger (nice one, by the way), and he clearly isn't interested in introducing her to other key people in his life.
If she's willing to work on her self-esteem, I recommend a brilliant book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. She might also look into a method called EFT to help her let go of the belief that this sad relationship is the best God has in store for her. She can download a free ebook and check out a short video about the process here.
-Terry
I have friend who becomes whatever her boyfriend wants her to be. Her last one hated anything Science Fiction, so she hated anything Science Fiction. He collected guns, so she went from supporting gun control laws to saying, "God and Guns made us Free." He wanted her skinny, so she starved herself. He wanted a redhead, so she dyed her hair.
To my friend, her boyfriend's word was the law, she believe everything he said. But, she never meet his coworkers, his family called her a gold digger, and she has and is still dating him after 13 years. She keeps telling me he is the one, the one God sent to her.
Why do women do this? I have talked to men, and overall they do not like it. Did we learn this from our mothers, our female teachers, our pastors (who preached submission) what is the reason, and why?
I have a degree in Human Behavior, so things like this interest me.
-Gotta Know
Dear Gotta-
This kind of thing has always interested me, too. I'm no psychologist (or human behaviorist), but your friend's problem is low self-esteem. In other words, a man's never going to love her for who she really is, so she must mold herself to fit his expectations.
It sounds exhausting.
And you're right. Healthy, normal, well-adjusted men are pretty freaked out when a woman comes along and transforms herself into what she thinks he wants. The control freaks, the losers, and the abusers just love it, though. It makes them feel powerful.
Back to the question of low self-esteem: A lot of it does develop in childhood. I took some pretty wild abuse from nuns that took some conscious effort to get over, for example. But I did get over it. It can be done.
Your question about pastors is a good one. Church is great, but I don't know that it's the best place to meet men. Certain churches are a magnet for guys with a "Wives submit to your husbands in all things..." mentality that Christ did not preach but St. Paul did. (I would argue that St. Paul was a man preaching to certain people in certain times, and he was not Christ.)
And then the media program little girls from the time they can figure out the remote to believe they need a man and should cater to him mentally, emotionally, and physically. My husband often asks, "Why are women so eager to hate themselves?" I tell him, "Turn on the television."
I do hope your friend will think twice about blaming God for sending this guy her way, especially since, after 13 years, his family calls her a gold digger (nice one, by the way), and he clearly isn't interested in introducing her to other key people in his life.
If she's willing to work on her self-esteem, I recommend a brilliant book by Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Life. She might also look into a method called EFT to help her let go of the belief that this sad relationship is the best God has in store for her. She can download a free ebook and check out a short video about the process here.
-Terry
Monday, April 21, 2008
Bret Michaels, Peter Pan Man
Between events of the Pope's visit (I flipped it on for a millisecond, and a miracle occurred: The old guy hooked me), I tuned into the Rock of Love 2 reunion yesterday afternoon.
I don't know how much of it was staged, but it really doesn't matter. The way Bret behaves, the way some of these women behave (hello, Heather) never fails to astonish me.
I particularly enjoyed the way Wildebeast Heather reinforced the double standard by calling Daisy a whore for having sex with Bret. As for Bret having sex with Daisy? Hey, that's cool. He's a guy.
Daisy may be a highly gifted actress, but I did feel sorry for her when she said she'd become vulnerable after falling for Bret. I actually had to admire the girl when she called him on banging her yet again after he knew damn well he'd choose her rival, Ambre, to be his so-called rock star girlfriend (Bret's not really a rock star. He's a circus act).
Bret's response? Something along the lines of, "I'm a man. I couldn't help myself."
You may be a man, Dude, but you're not a nice man. Do you even have a soul?
And have you looked in the mirror lately? You look like a freaking moron in your poseur clothes and cheesy headgear. You look like you're posing, always, whether you're playing your guitar or riding a motorcycle.
You're not the real deal.
You're 45 now and still living a rock star pipe dream, but you're not Robert Plant. You're not David Bowie. You're not even David Crosby. And you sure as hell aren't Adam Levine.
You are no longer relevant.
When you're on your deathbed, will you regret not having banged just one more woman? What exactly is your purpose in life, anyway? You are the epitome of the saggy, orange-faced Peter Pan Man that no woman in her right mind should sleep with, let alone date.
Don't feel too bad. You may be woefully repellent, Bret Michaels, but you do possess a unique power:
You made an 81-year-old Pope look sexy.
I don't know how much of it was staged, but it really doesn't matter. The way Bret behaves, the way some of these women behave (hello, Heather) never fails to astonish me.
I particularly enjoyed the way Wildebeast Heather reinforced the double standard by calling Daisy a whore for having sex with Bret. As for Bret having sex with Daisy? Hey, that's cool. He's a guy.
Daisy may be a highly gifted actress, but I did feel sorry for her when she said she'd become vulnerable after falling for Bret. I actually had to admire the girl when she called him on banging her yet again after he knew damn well he'd choose her rival, Ambre, to be his so-called rock star girlfriend (Bret's not really a rock star. He's a circus act).
Bret's response? Something along the lines of, "I'm a man. I couldn't help myself."
You may be a man, Dude, but you're not a nice man. Do you even have a soul?
And have you looked in the mirror lately? You look like a freaking moron in your poseur clothes and cheesy headgear. You look like you're posing, always, whether you're playing your guitar or riding a motorcycle.
You're not the real deal.
You're 45 now and still living a rock star pipe dream, but you're not Robert Plant. You're not David Bowie. You're not even David Crosby. And you sure as hell aren't Adam Levine.
You are no longer relevant.
When you're on your deathbed, will you regret not having banged just one more woman? What exactly is your purpose in life, anyway? You are the epitome of the saggy, orange-faced Peter Pan Man that no woman in her right mind should sleep with, let alone date.
Don't feel too bad. You may be woefully repellent, Bret Michaels, but you do possess a unique power:
You made an 81-year-old Pope look sexy.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Has Your TV Programmed You to Be Disappointed in Love?
I wrote this article a while ago. The previous question prompted me to post it here:
Are you a fan of the fun new American TV show, My Boys, which chronicles the life and dating adventures of an attractive 20-something woman?
Do you still watch Sex and the City?
A lot of women do. A factor these shows have in common, like most fiction, is that the protagonists are rarely satisfied in their quests for love.
For instance, on an episode of My Boys last season, the main character, PJ, met up with her old flame, which sparked warm memories. She discovered she was still wildly attracted to him. He seemed to return her interest.
She got her hopes up.
He asked her out for dinner, leading her to believe they'd get together again. But, over drinks, he lowered the boom: He'd just gotten engaged--to someone else.
Like My Boys, Sex and the City is loaded with romantic disappointment. It drives the show. Face it, nobody would be tuning in for all these years if Carrie married Mr. Big in Season One and gave birth to triplets in Season Two.
Who'd care?
Drama--conflict-- makes for great TV. It makes for good books, good movies, good art. Happiness is boring.
The problem? Take in enough of this stuff, and we start believing that happiness is unattainable (or, more important, boring). We automatically assume that love must disappoint us. We subconsciously seek out drama. We go for less than we deserve.
But just because PJ and Carrie (and Charlotte and Samantha and Miranda) can't find love, you can.
You can be happy in love (even if your friends aren't, your parents aren't, your sister isn't). You can be lucky in love. Look to people in your own life who are happily married. Use them as role models.
Boredom is hardly inevitable!
By all means, enjoy television, but keep in mind it's drama. It is not reality. Write your own script when it comes to the romance you desire. What, for example, will make you feel happy and secure in a relationship?
Do you even know? If not, it's time to give it some thought. Make it concrete by writing it down. Start envisioning yourself in the relationship you desire with the kind of man who'll make you happy.
This works.
You may wonder: What's more important? Visualizing your perfect relationship, or getting out and finding it? I'd been getting out for a long time and ending up with all the wrong men until I started visualizing. The right men didn't register on my radar screen until I did.
Please do not discount the power of visualization. It works. And it doesn't cost you a dime. To attract the right man, visualize first. Then get out of the house.
Do the things you love to do (I have a theory that if everybody who claimed to love taking long walks on the beach actually took them, online dating would cease to exist).
There's a man out there who's dreaming of a woman like you. If you want him, you can have him.
Are you a fan of the fun new American TV show, My Boys, which chronicles the life and dating adventures of an attractive 20-something woman?
Do you still watch Sex and the City?
A lot of women do. A factor these shows have in common, like most fiction, is that the protagonists are rarely satisfied in their quests for love.
For instance, on an episode of My Boys last season, the main character, PJ, met up with her old flame, which sparked warm memories. She discovered she was still wildly attracted to him. He seemed to return her interest.
She got her hopes up.
He asked her out for dinner, leading her to believe they'd get together again. But, over drinks, he lowered the boom: He'd just gotten engaged--to someone else.
Like My Boys, Sex and the City is loaded with romantic disappointment. It drives the show. Face it, nobody would be tuning in for all these years if Carrie married Mr. Big in Season One and gave birth to triplets in Season Two.
Who'd care?
Drama--conflict-- makes for great TV. It makes for good books, good movies, good art. Happiness is boring.
The problem? Take in enough of this stuff, and we start believing that happiness is unattainable (or, more important, boring). We automatically assume that love must disappoint us. We subconsciously seek out drama. We go for less than we deserve.
But just because PJ and Carrie (and Charlotte and Samantha and Miranda) can't find love, you can.
You can be happy in love (even if your friends aren't, your parents aren't, your sister isn't). You can be lucky in love. Look to people in your own life who are happily married. Use them as role models.
Boredom is hardly inevitable!
By all means, enjoy television, but keep in mind it's drama. It is not reality. Write your own script when it comes to the romance you desire. What, for example, will make you feel happy and secure in a relationship?
Do you even know? If not, it's time to give it some thought. Make it concrete by writing it down. Start envisioning yourself in the relationship you desire with the kind of man who'll make you happy.
This works.
You may wonder: What's more important? Visualizing your perfect relationship, or getting out and finding it? I'd been getting out for a long time and ending up with all the wrong men until I started visualizing. The right men didn't register on my radar screen until I did.
Please do not discount the power of visualization. It works. And it doesn't cost you a dime. To attract the right man, visualize first. Then get out of the house.
Do the things you love to do (I have a theory that if everybody who claimed to love taking long walks on the beach actually took them, online dating would cease to exist).
There's a man out there who's dreaming of a woman like you. If you want him, you can have him.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Men Scare the Hell Out of Her
Hi Terry,
I have used your techniques, and they have worked. Right now I am dating someone.
However, I have a friend who is the same age (well she is a few months older) as me, but she has never been out on a date. Never!
She has always given excuses as "I am not ready to date." "My parents fought all the time, and I am afraid the same will happen to me." "I know what men want." "I will be raped on my first date." "I am good girl, and men do not want good girls in this day and age."
One time my friend and I went out to a restaurant and bar near where we live. On Friday night this restaurant and bar had quite a few single middle-aged men. Several men spoke to me, bought me Margaritas, and I had a great time. They also tried to have conversation with my friend. She quickly and rudely told them, "I do not drink!" "I am not interested in talking to you." "I am not easy, if you are thinking that way."
I am embarrassed by the whole situation. Not only was she rude, she dressed sloppy and out-of-date. Her excuse: "I dress this way to let men know I am not a loose woman, I am a good girl, and probably the only virgin in the southern half of the state."
I do not know what to do with her. I no longer invite her anywhere. She has not even met the man I am dating. I am afraid she will let him know she is perfect.
No matter what I say, she will stick to her beliefs. I have tried telling her she is wrong, and denying herself a wonderful part of her life.
What can I do to help her get over herself, and her perception of men? She is in her early 50s.
Her fear of meeting men is greatly out of hand. She even turned down attending her company Christmans party for fear one of the single men would ask her to dance, or join her at her dinner table.
Your response is greatly appreciated.
-She's Outta Hand
Dear She's Outta-
What we focus on in life is what we tend to get. So, if your friend believes all men are goons, she'll prove herself right every time. This, despite the fact that for every goon out there, there's also a decent man who just wants to find the right woman to love.
So, if your friend keeps believing what she believes, she'll die happy in the knowledge that her instincts about men were excellent. That's the thing about us humans: We do like to be right.
It's kind of you to want to help this woman, but she can only help herself. I'm no psychologist, but the comments she made about her parents fighting and how she's a good girl (not to mention her pride in remaining a virgin after the age of 50) lead me to think she endured some pretty wild programming in her childhood.
Programming can be overcome with the help of a good therapist, but the question remains: Is your friend willing?
Until she is, continue living your life to the fullest. If she calls and asks why you don't invite her out anymore, it wouldn't be unkind to point out that she embarrassed you and may have hurt the feelings of the men who tried to talk to her that night over margaritas.
If you feel like seeing her again, you may be better off doing it privately, but take care that her bizarre ideas don't color your own relationships with men.
I have used your techniques, and they have worked. Right now I am dating someone.
However, I have a friend who is the same age (well she is a few months older) as me, but she has never been out on a date. Never!
She has always given excuses as "I am not ready to date." "My parents fought all the time, and I am afraid the same will happen to me." "I know what men want." "I will be raped on my first date." "I am good girl, and men do not want good girls in this day and age."
One time my friend and I went out to a restaurant and bar near where we live. On Friday night this restaurant and bar had quite a few single middle-aged men. Several men spoke to me, bought me Margaritas, and I had a great time. They also tried to have conversation with my friend. She quickly and rudely told them, "I do not drink!" "I am not interested in talking to you." "I am not easy, if you are thinking that way."
I am embarrassed by the whole situation. Not only was she rude, she dressed sloppy and out-of-date. Her excuse: "I dress this way to let men know I am not a loose woman, I am a good girl, and probably the only virgin in the southern half of the state."
I do not know what to do with her. I no longer invite her anywhere. She has not even met the man I am dating. I am afraid she will let him know she is perfect.
No matter what I say, she will stick to her beliefs. I have tried telling her she is wrong, and denying herself a wonderful part of her life.
What can I do to help her get over herself, and her perception of men? She is in her early 50s.
Her fear of meeting men is greatly out of hand. She even turned down attending her company Christmans party for fear one of the single men would ask her to dance, or join her at her dinner table.
Your response is greatly appreciated.
-She's Outta Hand
Dear She's Outta-
What we focus on in life is what we tend to get. So, if your friend believes all men are goons, she'll prove herself right every time. This, despite the fact that for every goon out there, there's also a decent man who just wants to find the right woman to love.
So, if your friend keeps believing what she believes, she'll die happy in the knowledge that her instincts about men were excellent. That's the thing about us humans: We do like to be right.
It's kind of you to want to help this woman, but she can only help herself. I'm no psychologist, but the comments she made about her parents fighting and how she's a good girl (not to mention her pride in remaining a virgin after the age of 50) lead me to think she endured some pretty wild programming in her childhood.
Programming can be overcome with the help of a good therapist, but the question remains: Is your friend willing?
Until she is, continue living your life to the fullest. If she calls and asks why you don't invite her out anymore, it wouldn't be unkind to point out that she embarrassed you and may have hurt the feelings of the men who tried to talk to her that night over margaritas.
If you feel like seeing her again, you may be better off doing it privately, but take care that her bizarre ideas don't color your own relationships with men.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
He Doesn't Know What He Wants...
Hi Terry,
I have been seeing this guy since December. He is 31, and I'm 33. The relationship started very well, but a few weeks back, he sent me a text saying he doesn't want to hurt me because I've been faithful, but he hasn't, and he'll prefer if we are just friends. I felt really bad.
He keeps calling, he still wants us to hang out together. It seems to me he doesn't know what he wants. I don't know what to do. Do I ignore his calls or what?
-Baffled
Dear Baffled-
I would definitely ignore his calls. Instead of giving you the courtesy of telling you face-to-face, this 31-year-old man texts you to say he just wants to be friends. Then, he starts calling you again to hang out, which will probably involve activities that go beyond the usual parameters of platonic friendship.
It's true; he may not know what he wants. Chances are, five years from now he won't know, either. Unfortunately for him, you weren't put on the planet to help him figure it out.
You can do better.
Terry
I have been seeing this guy since December. He is 31, and I'm 33. The relationship started very well, but a few weeks back, he sent me a text saying he doesn't want to hurt me because I've been faithful, but he hasn't, and he'll prefer if we are just friends. I felt really bad.
He keeps calling, he still wants us to hang out together. It seems to me he doesn't know what he wants. I don't know what to do. Do I ignore his calls or what?
-Baffled
Dear Baffled-
I would definitely ignore his calls. Instead of giving you the courtesy of telling you face-to-face, this 31-year-old man texts you to say he just wants to be friends. Then, he starts calling you again to hang out, which will probably involve activities that go beyond the usual parameters of platonic friendship.
It's true; he may not know what he wants. Chances are, five years from now he won't know, either. Unfortunately for him, you weren't put on the planet to help him figure it out.
You can do better.
Terry
Monday, April 14, 2008
More About Rock of Love 2 (But Only If You Can Stomach It)
Just came upon some interesting intelligence via Reality Blurred.
Turns out Bret Michaels isn't really in love with Ambre, despite assuring us schmucks in TV Land that he starred in Rock of Love 2 to find true love. Not only that, he doesn't rule out doing a Rock of Love 3, but he'd prefer to do "a show called ‘Bret Michaels Big Rock Road Show,’ which is just rockers gone wild on the road."
Whee.
Bret might need to do something. He could need the cash now that the owner of the "house of lies" he and the LSEs inhabited is suing him for "intentional destruction of property."
Turns out Bret Michaels isn't really in love with Ambre, despite assuring us schmucks in TV Land that he starred in Rock of Love 2 to find true love. Not only that, he doesn't rule out doing a Rock of Love 3, but he'd prefer to do "a show called ‘Bret Michaels Big Rock Road Show,’ which is just rockers gone wild on the road."
Whee.
Bret might need to do something. He could need the cash now that the owner of the "house of lies" he and the LSEs inhabited is suing him for "intentional destruction of property."
At last, Bret Michaels Chooses His 'Rock of Love'
In last night's finale of Rock of Love 2, Bret Michaels, Self-Proclaimed Rock Star, chose between two finalists, a stripper named Daisy and a TV hostess (whatever that means) named Ambre to be the recipient of his "like, lust, and love."
A hopeless slut, Bret decided between the two remaining Ladies of Low Self-Esteem after going for a roll in the hay with each of them. In TV Land, viewers endured uncomfortably tight shots of his tongue swabbing their eager tonsils.
In the end, the TV hostess won Rock of Love 3, giving her the last laugh.
At 37 (eight years younger than Bret Michaels), Ambre had been maligned by her rival as being "80 years old" and "500 hundred years old." Another 22-year-old contestant Bret booted a couple of weeks ago dismissed Ambre as an "old lady."
Which really cracked me up. Obviously, these Mensa candidates didn't look long enough at Bret and his hair extensions (or whatever that phenomenon is dangling from his head) to realize that life in one's 20s is fleeting.
Now that Our Hero has at last chosen his Lady of Like, Lust, and Love, we wonder what's next for them. Are they still a couple, or has Bret already signed to do Rock of Love 3? Will we discover he's inked a deal to design a line of rockin' bandanas for Walmart? Will Ambre's star ascend? Will she go from being TV hostess to perhaps a guest corpse on Law and Order SVU?
Search engines may sieze trying to answer all our questions.
A hopeless slut, Bret decided between the two remaining Ladies of Low Self-Esteem after going for a roll in the hay with each of them. In TV Land, viewers endured uncomfortably tight shots of his tongue swabbing their eager tonsils.
In the end, the TV hostess won Rock of Love 3, giving her the last laugh.
At 37 (eight years younger than Bret Michaels), Ambre had been maligned by her rival as being "80 years old" and "500 hundred years old." Another 22-year-old contestant Bret booted a couple of weeks ago dismissed Ambre as an "old lady."
Which really cracked me up. Obviously, these Mensa candidates didn't look long enough at Bret and his hair extensions (or whatever that phenomenon is dangling from his head) to realize that life in one's 20s is fleeting.
Now that Our Hero has at last chosen his Lady of Like, Lust, and Love, we wonder what's next for them. Are they still a couple, or has Bret already signed to do Rock of Love 3? Will we discover he's inked a deal to design a line of rockin' bandanas for Walmart? Will Ambre's star ascend? Will she go from being TV hostess to perhaps a guest corpse on Law and Order SVU?
Search engines may sieze trying to answer all our questions.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Getting What You Want Again
If you're having trouble getting the 'Getting What You Want' video to load from my post dated April 10, you can see it by going directly to the Today site.
Click here.
Click here.
She Wants to Live Together, But He Doesn't
Terry-
I have known my boyfriend for 8-9 years, although the majority of the time we have been just friends. In the last six months, our relationship has gone to a one-on-one intense love.
He keeps saying that he does not want to get married, but then he started saying he didn't know if we would get along in a live-in relationship. My comment was that all we have to do is give a bit more time and to leave all our options open. Now he is saying we get along better when we are together than when we are apart but communicating by phone during the week. He knows I love being with him.
When we spend the weekends together, I have started doing half the cooking. He keeps commenting again that I am bucking for a permanent position because my cooking is so good. And he states I am doing a good job of it. But on the other hand he insists no live-in or marriage. He keeps sending mixed signals.
I tell him I love I him and love being with him. What is your opinion? I would love to live together. What you think?
-Wondering
Dear Wondering-
This man is not giving you mixed signals. He's been honest. He likes you, he likes your cooking, but he does not want to get married or live together.
I'm sure you are a great cook and otherwise wonderful company, or else he would not be spending his weekends with you. But he seems to be content to continue your current arrangement until one or both of you gets sick of it.
I understand that you harbor intense feelings for him. Even so, my best advice to you is to limit your time with him. See him just every now and then, not on weekends when it works for him. Start filling your free time with friends, movies, travel, family, books, concerts, etc. Anything but him!
Oh, and stop telling the guy you love him. Let him wonder why you don't say it anymore.
He will do one of two things:
He'll either miss you and realize that you have an increasingly full life which he may find himself squeezed out of, or he'll fade out of your life altogether.
I realize that the possibility of letting him fading out of your life seems horribly painful to you now, but, remember, no other human on the planet can make this guy change his mind about moving your relationship forward.
Eventually, he's going to do what he wants to do, and it might as well be sooner than later. It's time for you to get on with your life and find the love and happiness you truly deserve.
Terry
I have known my boyfriend for 8-9 years, although the majority of the time we have been just friends. In the last six months, our relationship has gone to a one-on-one intense love.
He keeps saying that he does not want to get married, but then he started saying he didn't know if we would get along in a live-in relationship. My comment was that all we have to do is give a bit more time and to leave all our options open. Now he is saying we get along better when we are together than when we are apart but communicating by phone during the week. He knows I love being with him.
When we spend the weekends together, I have started doing half the cooking. He keeps commenting again that I am bucking for a permanent position because my cooking is so good. And he states I am doing a good job of it. But on the other hand he insists no live-in or marriage. He keeps sending mixed signals.
I tell him I love I him and love being with him. What is your opinion? I would love to live together. What you think?
-Wondering
Dear Wondering-
This man is not giving you mixed signals. He's been honest. He likes you, he likes your cooking, but he does not want to get married or live together.
I'm sure you are a great cook and otherwise wonderful company, or else he would not be spending his weekends with you. But he seems to be content to continue your current arrangement until one or both of you gets sick of it.
I understand that you harbor intense feelings for him. Even so, my best advice to you is to limit your time with him. See him just every now and then, not on weekends when it works for him. Start filling your free time with friends, movies, travel, family, books, concerts, etc. Anything but him!
Oh, and stop telling the guy you love him. Let him wonder why you don't say it anymore.
He will do one of two things:
He'll either miss you and realize that you have an increasingly full life which he may find himself squeezed out of, or he'll fade out of your life altogether.
I realize that the possibility of letting him fading out of your life seems horribly painful to you now, but, remember, no other human on the planet can make this guy change his mind about moving your relationship forward.
Eventually, he's going to do what he wants to do, and it might as well be sooner than later. It's time for you to get on with your life and find the love and happiness you truly deserve.
Terry
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Getting What You Want
I'm not usually a big fan of Cosmo, but the following video intrigued me, particularly the bit about "accidentally" touching a date's hand over dinner:
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Are You Getting Heat to Get Married?
One of the most dangerous things women face is outside pressure to get married before they're ready. This "marriage-at-all-costs" mentality often pushes them to legally bind themselves to the wrong men.
Which can either be dangerous or downright boring, depending on the wrong men they end up with.
Furthermore, it forces women to start thinking of every date as a potential husband, which is a sure recipe for appearing desperate and unattractive.
It's 2008, and still the pressure persists!
While perusing the rice aisle at Stop & Shop yesterday morning, I heard the most depressing conversation:
Smartly dressed woman: "I don't understand what these girls are waiting for. I was married at 21, and I've been married 37 years now."
Frumpily dressed woman: "I know. They all want to focus on their careers."
Smartly dressed woman: "It's ridiculous. My daughter is 23, and she
doesn't even have anybody yet."
It drives me crazy!
People with this bizarre "females must be married as soon as possible" philosophy jeopardize women's -- particularly their own daughters' -- health, happiness, and general well-being. How many women have stayed with an abuser, for instance, just because they felt they were not quite female without a man?
I distinctly remember times when I was happily single, and some clown would come up to me and tell me I would be truly happy if I was married.
When the father of a friend asked me at the age of 24 when I was going to "finally find a husband," I told him I was too young.
If people are giving you the heat to hook up and find the right guy already, I advise you to tell them the same thing, and I don't care if you're 71.
You will attract the right man only when you are ready. And I mean peacefully ready, not desperately ready.
Which can either be dangerous or downright boring, depending on the wrong men they end up with.
Furthermore, it forces women to start thinking of every date as a potential husband, which is a sure recipe for appearing desperate and unattractive.
It's 2008, and still the pressure persists!
While perusing the rice aisle at Stop & Shop yesterday morning, I heard the most depressing conversation:
Smartly dressed woman: "I don't understand what these girls are waiting for. I was married at 21, and I've been married 37 years now."
Frumpily dressed woman: "I know. They all want to focus on their careers."
Smartly dressed woman: "It's ridiculous. My daughter is 23, and she
doesn't even have anybody yet."
It drives me crazy!
People with this bizarre "females must be married as soon as possible" philosophy jeopardize women's -- particularly their own daughters' -- health, happiness, and general well-being. How many women have stayed with an abuser, for instance, just because they felt they were not quite female without a man?
I distinctly remember times when I was happily single, and some clown would come up to me and tell me I would be truly happy if I was married.
When the father of a friend asked me at the age of 24 when I was going to "finally find a husband," I told him I was too young.
If people are giving you the heat to hook up and find the right guy already, I advise you to tell them the same thing, and I don't care if you're 71.
You will attract the right man only when you are ready. And I mean peacefully ready, not desperately ready.
Monday, April 07, 2008
More About Rock of Love 2
I clicked off the TV last night too soon. I missed the death notice for Destiney's father.
Very sad news.
Very sad news.
The Bandana Comes Off!
If you're looking for dating advice, scroll onward to previous posts, as I interrupt this blog for an update on the sizzling TV show that causes eyeballs to boil in their very sockets!
Viewers who tuned into Rock of Love 2 With Bret Michaels last night were treated to seeing our hero without a bandana!
At last!
Which prompted my viewing companions to cry, "Put it back on!"
To make it ready for prime time, the man's "hair" had been blown and tortured into a block of banana ice cream. The remaining LSEs, Ambre, Daisy, and Destiney tried not to notice and promptly commenced kissing serious ass.
Bret, probably having looked in a mirror, ran for cover under a fresh bandana (and possibly a hat; I don't rememember) and announced that he'd invited the LSEs' families to the "house of lies" so that he could get a better sense of who should be the lucky winner of his love.
Unfortunately for Ambre, her Dad innocently revealed that she is 37, not 32, as she'd claimed on an earlier episode (to be fair to Ambre's father, his lips got loose after coping with some sakis as the Donald Trump of Rock mauled his daughter at the dinner table).
Bret claimed to be put off by Ambre's lie, since he has been honest about his age from the outset.
But he lies. In the season opener, he claimed to be 40. Last night, he revealed his true age of 44 (at the time of taping, that is).
My viewing companions and I smelled a rat. A rat named Bret Michaels, who is allowed to lie and slobber all over every woman he wants, while his woman must be truthful and fixated on him and his weird hair.
As for the other constestants, things continue to look good for Daisy, the dancer we've learned shares a place with her ex-boyfriend but hasn't had sex with him for two years.
Destiney, however, got the book, despite her father's announcement on last night's episode that he suffered from liver cancer and was not expected to live past March. It really was a very sad and odd moment on the farce that is the Rock of Love 2.
It's April. Let's hope he beat his prognosis.
Viewers who tuned into Rock of Love 2 With Bret Michaels last night were treated to seeing our hero without a bandana!
At last!
Which prompted my viewing companions to cry, "Put it back on!"
To make it ready for prime time, the man's "hair" had been blown and tortured into a block of banana ice cream. The remaining LSEs, Ambre, Daisy, and Destiney tried not to notice and promptly commenced kissing serious ass.
Bret, probably having looked in a mirror, ran for cover under a fresh bandana (and possibly a hat; I don't rememember) and announced that he'd invited the LSEs' families to the "house of lies" so that he could get a better sense of who should be the lucky winner of his love.
Unfortunately for Ambre, her Dad innocently revealed that she is 37, not 32, as she'd claimed on an earlier episode (to be fair to Ambre's father, his lips got loose after coping with some sakis as the Donald Trump of Rock mauled his daughter at the dinner table).
Bret claimed to be put off by Ambre's lie, since he has been honest about his age from the outset.
But he lies. In the season opener, he claimed to be 40. Last night, he revealed his true age of 44 (at the time of taping, that is).
My viewing companions and I smelled a rat. A rat named Bret Michaels, who is allowed to lie and slobber all over every woman he wants, while his woman must be truthful and fixated on him and his weird hair.
As for the other constestants, things continue to look good for Daisy, the dancer we've learned shares a place with her ex-boyfriend but hasn't had sex with him for two years.
Destiney, however, got the book, despite her father's announcement on last night's episode that he suffered from liver cancer and was not expected to live past March. It really was a very sad and odd moment on the farce that is the Rock of Love 2.
It's April. Let's hope he beat his prognosis.
Friday, April 04, 2008
How Do I Get Over Him?
Good Day, Terry-
I have learnt a lot from your articles. I have a problem of my own. I have been with my partner for 9 and half years. We have a 7-year-old boy, who's such an angel and a blessing to me. My boyfriend promised to marry me for years, and one time I felt like cheating, and I did it then he found out. We had our fights and sorted things out. It's been 2 years now and no quarrels. He uses every opportunity he gets to go abroad on work related issues, and I only find out when he comes back with gifts.
I'm tired of receiving gifts. I need to be loved and given attention, but it's not happening every time I talk to him. He goes to a casino the whole night and comes back in the morning to prepare for work. It's a year now I have packed and moved out of the house and all is well. My mom told me the affair is over, and I have to accept it but its hard. How do I do that after nine years of my life? I feel so miserable and empty without him.
Kindly advise.
Hello-
I don't know your mother, but I suspect that she loves you and dearly wants you to be happy.
Since the affair does indeed seem to be over (and that's not a bad thing because you're not getting from it what you need, anyway), the time has come for you to take extremely good care of yourself. Okay, you cheated, and I'm sure you're sorry about it. It wasn't your finest moment, but you can't turn back time.
It's time to love and forgive yourself for past mistakes, and to move on. I know this hard, but if you are ever to get the love you deserve I suspect you'll have to stop waiting to get it from a man who goes to the casino all night.
Since it seems you've been continually disappointed in your relationship (he promised to marry you for years, for example), it occurs to me that you may be used to being disappointed and even expecting to be disappointed. This can set a low bar for circumstances in all parts your life, your job, your friendships, and, yes, your next relationship. I'm not a psychologist, but I did go through a period of dating disappointing men, so I may be able to relate here.
You may have read in past articles how I built myself up by treating myself as my own best boyfriend. It's been said that you can't love anyone else until you love yourself, but I truly believe that no one can love you unless you love yourself, either. So start loving yourself.
If you want to travel, book a trip for you and your son. If your mother is willing to babysit, think about going by yourself. (Nothing like solo travel for getting a fresh perspective on things.) If you want to see a movie, see it alone if you have to. Get used to your own company. Learn to love your own company. It's when we dislike being alone that we stay in rotten relationships.
If you have it, get over the idea that you need a man to make your life complete, worthwhile, or anything else for that matter.
When it comes to this particular man, remember "Out of sight, out of mind." Seriously. He's your son's father, so you'll see him, but when he's not around, don't let him live rent-free in your head.
If you find yourself thinking of him, stop. Fill your time with new friends of all sorts; you don't know where life will take you when you make new friends. If you have an old friend from a job or school you've lost touch with, give her a call. Expand your horizons.
You'll find that getting over this relationship will get easier over time. You've invested nine years in it already. Why make it ten?
I hope this helps.
Terry
I have learnt a lot from your articles. I have a problem of my own. I have been with my partner for 9 and half years. We have a 7-year-old boy, who's such an angel and a blessing to me. My boyfriend promised to marry me for years, and one time I felt like cheating, and I did it then he found out. We had our fights and sorted things out. It's been 2 years now and no quarrels. He uses every opportunity he gets to go abroad on work related issues, and I only find out when he comes back with gifts.
I'm tired of receiving gifts. I need to be loved and given attention, but it's not happening every time I talk to him. He goes to a casino the whole night and comes back in the morning to prepare for work. It's a year now I have packed and moved out of the house and all is well. My mom told me the affair is over, and I have to accept it but its hard. How do I do that after nine years of my life? I feel so miserable and empty without him.
Kindly advise.
Hello-
I don't know your mother, but I suspect that she loves you and dearly wants you to be happy.
Since the affair does indeed seem to be over (and that's not a bad thing because you're not getting from it what you need, anyway), the time has come for you to take extremely good care of yourself. Okay, you cheated, and I'm sure you're sorry about it. It wasn't your finest moment, but you can't turn back time.
It's time to love and forgive yourself for past mistakes, and to move on. I know this hard, but if you are ever to get the love you deserve I suspect you'll have to stop waiting to get it from a man who goes to the casino all night.
Since it seems you've been continually disappointed in your relationship (he promised to marry you for years, for example), it occurs to me that you may be used to being disappointed and even expecting to be disappointed. This can set a low bar for circumstances in all parts your life, your job, your friendships, and, yes, your next relationship. I'm not a psychologist, but I did go through a period of dating disappointing men, so I may be able to relate here.
You may have read in past articles how I built myself up by treating myself as my own best boyfriend. It's been said that you can't love anyone else until you love yourself, but I truly believe that no one can love you unless you love yourself, either. So start loving yourself.
If you want to travel, book a trip for you and your son. If your mother is willing to babysit, think about going by yourself. (Nothing like solo travel for getting a fresh perspective on things.) If you want to see a movie, see it alone if you have to. Get used to your own company. Learn to love your own company. It's when we dislike being alone that we stay in rotten relationships.
If you have it, get over the idea that you need a man to make your life complete, worthwhile, or anything else for that matter.
When it comes to this particular man, remember "Out of sight, out of mind." Seriously. He's your son's father, so you'll see him, but when he's not around, don't let him live rent-free in your head.
If you find yourself thinking of him, stop. Fill your time with new friends of all sorts; you don't know where life will take you when you make new friends. If you have an old friend from a job or school you've lost touch with, give her a call. Expand your horizons.
You'll find that getting over this relationship will get easier over time. You've invested nine years in it already. Why make it ten?
I hope this helps.
Terry
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Are You in an Exclusive Relationship -- Or a Harem?
Just before Easter, I made the acquaintance of Scot and Emily McKay, two dating coaches who met online. I particularly liked this refreshing and empowering article of Emily's:
Relationships can be so confusing sometimes, especially when communication is not at its best.
It's easy to automatically think that the other person feels the same way we do. The fear that we may be wrong prevents us from talking about it. So many people believe they are in an exclusive relationship when the other person just sees him or her as one of many available options.
There are at least 5 very easy ways to avoid confusion as to where you stand:
1. You and a man you are seeing should have a talk about your feelings about each other and about how you two feel about seeing other people. If he does not want to share you with other men, he will make sure you know this. But make sure he will reciprocate. Sometimes a man is capable of building a harem with women who are faithful to him while he still allows himself all the ladies he wants. If he wants a harem, then you are free to date whoever you want. Just remember the two of you are no more than friends with benefits.
Last night Scot and I went out to a live music dance club. This place is special to me because it is where he made me more than just a friend. Scot let me know his intentions to be good to me and protect my heart. He asked me to be his girlfriend--for us to be in an exclusive relationship with each other. This was made very clear without doubts.
Remember: If you have to ask, then you are not exclusive.
2. If a man is focusing on you alone, he will want to see you as often as he can in a week--especially if you live in the same city and work allows free time. Seeing each other at least three times a week portends this fairly accurately. Men and women only have so many days out of the week to go out on dates. Are those times spent with you or are they shared with a list of other women? If you only see him every other week, then most likely you're not the only one he is seeing.
3. A man who is interested only in you looks forward to making plans for weekends with you, and may be planning trips for the two of you to go on. While it's true he may be spontaneous and call you at the last minute to join him for an outing, a good sign thathe has a harem is that he always waits until the last minute to ask you out. This usually happens because he's not so sure if the one he asked as his first choice will show up. Maybe she even canceled on him.
Don't confuse this with spontaneity. I'm not talking about a surprise or a gift; I'm talking about if the "last minute notice" is a habit. He is waiting to see if someone better to go out with will be available, as being pinned down to plans does not leave him options. Think about this if he calls you Friday at 6:00 to invite you to a concert for that day, and he had the tickets for 3 months. Why would he not give you more notice?Because the person he planned to take flaked out on him, that's why. If you did not know about it at all then it absolutely was a girl who flaked out, not one of the guys.
4. As his exclusive girlfriend if you need to reach him for something important, he is ok with you calling him at home or on his cell phone any time of the day or night. But if you are part of a harem, there are rules like not calling at night or on his home phone. Also you always seem to get voice mail, having to wait for when it is convenient for him to call you and talk. If he leaves on a trip and will not talk to you while he is gone, then this is a red flag that he has at least one other girlfriend or maybe even a wife.
5. The famous words of a harem builder are, "I would love to settle down when the right woman comes along". This statement is used to pose a challenge to you, which will make you feel that you have to prove that you are the right woman and that if you stick around he will figure that out eventually. After you have been dating for a few months things should be moving forward, in an exclusive relationship. Not that you have a ring on your finger yet, but that you have conversations about the future together, kids, and getting to know one another. This also needs to be demonstrated with actions, not just words. An example would be going from seeing you once a week inthe start of a relationship to increasing it over time to 2, 3, or 4 times a week.
If a relationship you are in has been on for a while but is the same as day one, it's time to consider what we've talked about today as a very possible reason why.
=====
Emily McKay is a dating coach and Internet radio talk show host with X & Y Communications. Her latest program, Click With Him, empowers women to find and attract the right man, online OR offline. It can be found by clicking here. Emily and her husband, Scot, are also available for personal dating and relationship coaching by phone. For information, click here.
Relationships can be so confusing sometimes, especially when communication is not at its best.
It's easy to automatically think that the other person feels the same way we do. The fear that we may be wrong prevents us from talking about it. So many people believe they are in an exclusive relationship when the other person just sees him or her as one of many available options.
There are at least 5 very easy ways to avoid confusion as to where you stand:
1. You and a man you are seeing should have a talk about your feelings about each other and about how you two feel about seeing other people. If he does not want to share you with other men, he will make sure you know this. But make sure he will reciprocate. Sometimes a man is capable of building a harem with women who are faithful to him while he still allows himself all the ladies he wants. If he wants a harem, then you are free to date whoever you want. Just remember the two of you are no more than friends with benefits.
Last night Scot and I went out to a live music dance club. This place is special to me because it is where he made me more than just a friend. Scot let me know his intentions to be good to me and protect my heart. He asked me to be his girlfriend--for us to be in an exclusive relationship with each other. This was made very clear without doubts.
Remember: If you have to ask, then you are not exclusive.
2. If a man is focusing on you alone, he will want to see you as often as he can in a week--especially if you live in the same city and work allows free time. Seeing each other at least three times a week portends this fairly accurately. Men and women only have so many days out of the week to go out on dates. Are those times spent with you or are they shared with a list of other women? If you only see him every other week, then most likely you're not the only one he is seeing.
3. A man who is interested only in you looks forward to making plans for weekends with you, and may be planning trips for the two of you to go on. While it's true he may be spontaneous and call you at the last minute to join him for an outing, a good sign thathe has a harem is that he always waits until the last minute to ask you out. This usually happens because he's not so sure if the one he asked as his first choice will show up. Maybe she even canceled on him.
Don't confuse this with spontaneity. I'm not talking about a surprise or a gift; I'm talking about if the "last minute notice" is a habit. He is waiting to see if someone better to go out with will be available, as being pinned down to plans does not leave him options. Think about this if he calls you Friday at 6:00 to invite you to a concert for that day, and he had the tickets for 3 months. Why would he not give you more notice?Because the person he planned to take flaked out on him, that's why. If you did not know about it at all then it absolutely was a girl who flaked out, not one of the guys.
4. As his exclusive girlfriend if you need to reach him for something important, he is ok with you calling him at home or on his cell phone any time of the day or night. But if you are part of a harem, there are rules like not calling at night or on his home phone. Also you always seem to get voice mail, having to wait for when it is convenient for him to call you and talk. If he leaves on a trip and will not talk to you while he is gone, then this is a red flag that he has at least one other girlfriend or maybe even a wife.
5. The famous words of a harem builder are, "I would love to settle down when the right woman comes along". This statement is used to pose a challenge to you, which will make you feel that you have to prove that you are the right woman and that if you stick around he will figure that out eventually. After you have been dating for a few months things should be moving forward, in an exclusive relationship. Not that you have a ring on your finger yet, but that you have conversations about the future together, kids, and getting to know one another. This also needs to be demonstrated with actions, not just words. An example would be going from seeing you once a week inthe start of a relationship to increasing it over time to 2, 3, or 4 times a week.
If a relationship you are in has been on for a while but is the same as day one, it's time to consider what we've talked about today as a very possible reason why.
=====
Emily McKay is a dating coach and Internet radio talk show host with X & Y Communications. Her latest program, Click With Him, empowers women to find and attract the right man, online OR offline. It can be found by clicking here. Emily and her husband, Scot, are also available for personal dating and relationship coaching by phone. For information, click here.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Guys Who Can't Get It Together
I came across a brilliant quote from actress Tandie Newton in New York's Metro Weekend the other day:
"I have a couple of girlfriends who were involved with guys who just couldn't get it together. They did the right thing and realized, I can't be with this guy. And many of the guys resolved to get their s--- together."
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Is He Emotionally Unavailable?
Hi Terry,
I have been “seeing” this guy for about 6 months now. He lives about two hours away. I try to go there whenever I can but he has been working overtime, which means the weekends and only has one day off. I do not work on the weekends. I have been out there about 6 times or so, spending the weekend every time I am there. We talk on the phone almost everyday, and constantly text/email throughout the day. This past weekend I was invited to go with him to a wedding, and it was amazing. We spent all weekend together and among his closest friends who are either married and pregnant or engaged.
I am only 22 and he is 30, but that does not make a difference to us, age is only a number. Anyway, every time we try to have the “talk” nothing ever gets resolved.. its always like “well why ruin a good thing that we have right now?”
But I’m thinking.. it would not ruin anything it would just make it better or at least give me a peace of mind as to what is going on with us. I just do not understand why he doesn’t want to be serious, especially since he is at the age when it might be time to settle down and all of his friends are. He has told me that he has never been in love, wants to focus on his career right now, that were in different parts of our lives.. blah blah.. but I still do not get a definite answer as to whether we should stop talking/seeing each other or just continue down this confusing path.
So I am not sure what to do. I guess I should suck it up and just talk to him, tell him that I want things to progress or at least tell me what he wants and if were not in the same boat, then bail out when I can? I think I’ve put up with it for a while now, and I think any other girl would’ve been like no you either tell me you don’t want me or tell me you do. Maybe I should do the same. I really enjoy him, seeing each other for so long, so I def don’t want to lose that.
Best wishes,
A.
Hello, A.-
You're 22, he's 30. I don't see this as an issue at all; some people are more mature at 20 than some others are at 45. However, the fact that this man you're seeing is 30can perhaps make him even more attractive to you than he would be if he were, say, a guy your own age. Let's face it; when you're 22, dating a 30-year-old guy can seem downright glamorous.
Now, his friends are marrying and having babies, but he says he's never been in love. He says that you're in different parts of your lives. He says he wants to focus on his career.
Okay...
My advice to you is to stop wondering what to do. Sucking it up and talking to him will probably resolve nothing and will only distance him further from you.
(Here's an analogy: You're in a restaurant. You think you want the salmon, but the waiter keeps telling you to have the steak. You insist on the salmon. He insists on the steak. Eventually, you either throw your napkin on the table in a huff and leave, or you eat the steak just to make the waiter stop haranguing you. Neither is a good option. Don't be the waiter in your relationship with this man).
The only way this guy is going to see you for the attractive, smart, fun person you are is if you stand back enough to let him get a long look at you. In other words, be less available. Be pleasant about it, but definitely text less, phone less, visit less (yes, I know he lives two hours away, and your time together is limited as it is, but who's doing most of the traveling here? You or him?).
One of two things will happen. He will indeed realize what a great deal you are. He'll miss you. He won't want to lose you. No more nonsense about not ever having been in love!
Or...
He will not realize what a good deal you are. He will fade out of your life altogether. If this is the case, his disappearance would be a fabulous thing indeed because he was never capable of giving you the love you deserve in the first place. You will have saved yourself a great deal of time.
I hope I haven't ruined your day with this information, and I ask you to please consider the possibility that Mr. Not In Love is doing you a favor here. Have you met his family, for example? Do you know how his father treats his mother? How he treats his mother? (My mother taught me that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother!)
Project 10 years from now. If you were to marry this guy, would you be happy? Or would you stuck with a man who takes you for granted? Would you be soothing yourself with reality television and junk food you'd become too numb to taste?
Consider the possibility that you can do better than him. Revel in the possibilities that being 22 and having your whole life ahead of you affords you.
I truly hope this helps, A. Thank you for writing.
Terry
I have been “seeing” this guy for about 6 months now. He lives about two hours away. I try to go there whenever I can but he has been working overtime, which means the weekends and only has one day off. I do not work on the weekends. I have been out there about 6 times or so, spending the weekend every time I am there. We talk on the phone almost everyday, and constantly text/email throughout the day. This past weekend I was invited to go with him to a wedding, and it was amazing. We spent all weekend together and among his closest friends who are either married and pregnant or engaged.
I am only 22 and he is 30, but that does not make a difference to us, age is only a number. Anyway, every time we try to have the “talk” nothing ever gets resolved.. its always like “well why ruin a good thing that we have right now?”
But I’m thinking.. it would not ruin anything it would just make it better or at least give me a peace of mind as to what is going on with us. I just do not understand why he doesn’t want to be serious, especially since he is at the age when it might be time to settle down and all of his friends are. He has told me that he has never been in love, wants to focus on his career right now, that were in different parts of our lives.. blah blah.. but I still do not get a definite answer as to whether we should stop talking/seeing each other or just continue down this confusing path.
So I am not sure what to do. I guess I should suck it up and just talk to him, tell him that I want things to progress or at least tell me what he wants and if were not in the same boat, then bail out when I can? I think I’ve put up with it for a while now, and I think any other girl would’ve been like no you either tell me you don’t want me or tell me you do. Maybe I should do the same. I really enjoy him, seeing each other for so long, so I def don’t want to lose that.
Best wishes,
A.
Hello, A.-
You're 22, he's 30. I don't see this as an issue at all; some people are more mature at 20 than some others are at 45. However, the fact that this man you're seeing is 30can perhaps make him even more attractive to you than he would be if he were, say, a guy your own age. Let's face it; when you're 22, dating a 30-year-old guy can seem downright glamorous.
Now, his friends are marrying and having babies, but he says he's never been in love. He says that you're in different parts of your lives. He says he wants to focus on his career.
Okay...
My advice to you is to stop wondering what to do. Sucking it up and talking to him will probably resolve nothing and will only distance him further from you.
(Here's an analogy: You're in a restaurant. You think you want the salmon, but the waiter keeps telling you to have the steak. You insist on the salmon. He insists on the steak. Eventually, you either throw your napkin on the table in a huff and leave, or you eat the steak just to make the waiter stop haranguing you. Neither is a good option. Don't be the waiter in your relationship with this man).
The only way this guy is going to see you for the attractive, smart, fun person you are is if you stand back enough to let him get a long look at you. In other words, be less available. Be pleasant about it, but definitely text less, phone less, visit less (yes, I know he lives two hours away, and your time together is limited as it is, but who's doing most of the traveling here? You or him?).
One of two things will happen. He will indeed realize what a great deal you are. He'll miss you. He won't want to lose you. No more nonsense about not ever having been in love!
Or...
He will not realize what a good deal you are. He will fade out of your life altogether. If this is the case, his disappearance would be a fabulous thing indeed because he was never capable of giving you the love you deserve in the first place. You will have saved yourself a great deal of time.
I hope I haven't ruined your day with this information, and I ask you to please consider the possibility that Mr. Not In Love is doing you a favor here. Have you met his family, for example? Do you know how his father treats his mother? How he treats his mother? (My mother taught me that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother!)
Project 10 years from now. If you were to marry this guy, would you be happy? Or would you stuck with a man who takes you for granted? Would you be soothing yourself with reality television and junk food you'd become too numb to taste?
Consider the possibility that you can do better than him. Revel in the possibilities that being 22 and having your whole life ahead of you affords you.
I truly hope this helps, A. Thank you for writing.
Terry
Monday, March 31, 2008
My Boyfriend, Bret Michaels
All right, you're not going to believe this (and I'm ashamed to admit it), but last night after watching Rock of Love 2 With Bret Michaels and then Law and Order SVU, I went to bed and had a dream about Bret Michaels.
Yes, it was that kind of dream!
I mean, it's 11:15 the next day, and I still haven't gotten over it.
I wonder what misfired in my subconscious to bring on such an event. It really was something, I must say, although Bret managed to keep his bandana on the whole time.
Which brings me to last night's show.
What is it with this man and headgear? He's increasingly dissatisfied to hide what we imagine is a bald spot with a mere bandana. Twice in last night's episode, he appeared wearing a brimmed hat on top of a bandana. Although he's done it before, I believe he used to limit this fashion statement to just once per episode.
Anyway, last night Bret revealed that he's falling in love with Daisy, who's in deep debt due to a boob job, according to Heather, an LSE from last season who's now "good friends" with Bret and was brought along to uncover the truth in "this house of lies."
Heather did her very best to get Daisy eliminated. It's clear that ol' Heather has a conflict of interest; she's still hot for Bret herself, but I do think that she'd be a great match for him. Their table manners are equally appalling.
As usual, with about 10 minutes or so left in the show, Bret threw up his hands. He announced that he was "done" for the evening with the fighting LSEs (at one point, the always-volatile Destiney threw a drink at Daisy) and left his whipping boy, the fawning and also bandana-ed John, to clean up the mess.
I thought Destiney would get the heave-ho after Bret voiced his fears that if she became his girlfriend, she might smack around some girl with a backstage pass after one of his shows. Heaven forbid Bret ever jeopardize his relationship with a girl with a backstage pass!
You'd think, though, that a 45-year-old guy who claims he wants to fall in love (instead of lust) would limit time with groupies, or maybe that's just crazy me.
After all, I'm the one who finds Bret repulsive, and then allowed him to visit me in my dreams.
Yes, it was that kind of dream!
I mean, it's 11:15 the next day, and I still haven't gotten over it.
I wonder what misfired in my subconscious to bring on such an event. It really was something, I must say, although Bret managed to keep his bandana on the whole time.
Which brings me to last night's show.
What is it with this man and headgear? He's increasingly dissatisfied to hide what we imagine is a bald spot with a mere bandana. Twice in last night's episode, he appeared wearing a brimmed hat on top of a bandana. Although he's done it before, I believe he used to limit this fashion statement to just once per episode.
Anyway, last night Bret revealed that he's falling in love with Daisy, who's in deep debt due to a boob job, according to Heather, an LSE from last season who's now "good friends" with Bret and was brought along to uncover the truth in "this house of lies."
Heather did her very best to get Daisy eliminated. It's clear that ol' Heather has a conflict of interest; she's still hot for Bret herself, but I do think that she'd be a great match for him. Their table manners are equally appalling.
As usual, with about 10 minutes or so left in the show, Bret threw up his hands. He announced that he was "done" for the evening with the fighting LSEs (at one point, the always-volatile Destiney threw a drink at Daisy) and left his whipping boy, the fawning and also bandana-ed John, to clean up the mess.
I thought Destiney would get the heave-ho after Bret voiced his fears that if she became his girlfriend, she might smack around some girl with a backstage pass after one of his shows. Heaven forbid Bret ever jeopardize his relationship with a girl with a backstage pass!
You'd think, though, that a 45-year-old guy who claims he wants to fall in love (instead of lust) would limit time with groupies, or maybe that's just crazy me.
After all, I'm the one who finds Bret repulsive, and then allowed him to visit me in my dreams.
Friday, March 28, 2008
He's the Touching Kind, Not the Marrying Kind
Hi, Terry-
Many people have advised never to ask where I stand with a guy, but I saw this particular man for 5 months. Then he broke it off because he can't see a future between us (his father and family would not approve of him marrying a woman from a different race). I stayed out of his way, and he stayed away for a while.
Then he came back.
Once he did, he repeatedly invited me for coffee.
Now he touches me unnecessarily and uses terms of endearment. He asked to come over to my house, saying he needed to borrow some items for work. I agreed, and soon after he arrived, he was all over me. I asked him what had caused this change in him, and he said nothing had changed.
He said he enjoys my company and having a laugh. I told him to get his hands off me, which he did, but after he left, he started calling me repeatedly. I ignored him for a while, but I missed him.
My friends say I should clarify with him about where I stand, but this seems to conflict with your advice not to ask a man about this. Do you think he's a player? He seems very confused about life in general.
What do you think?
-Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Dear Should-
Every time I read your letter, I get a little madder. The guy you describe is flat-out ridiculous.
As for the advice not to ask where you stand, my feeling is a woman should always know where she stands. A man should be communicating this in a straightforward, honest fashion. If he does not, she should assume he is not worth her time.
Communication is a two-way street. It's not one person lying awake at night wondering what the other person meant when they said this and meant when they did that.
The man you describe is hardly being straightforward (touching you after telling you his father will not agree to a relationship with you, for example). He is not considering anybody else's feelings but his own. Take a step back and look at him objectively. His behavior is sad and unattractive.
(The father excuse is a cop-out of the most pathetic order, by the way.)
The fact that he acted hurt when you accused him of being a player is beyond annoying. I don't know if he's a player, but I certainly think you can do better than a man who is "all over you" but tells you he can't have a relationship because you come from a different race. (Forgive me; I'm repeating myself, but I still can't get past this nonsense.)
Clearly, you're attracted to this man, or you wouldn't have written. One way to kill attraction is to write down a list of things you don't like about him (making lame excuses about his inability to become involved with you can be Item #1, and his confusion about life can be Item #2).
Whip out this list and read it whenever you're tempted to think, "this guy really likes me, but he doesn't want to risk offending his family."
Please stay away from him. You don't owe him a single explanation. If you must, tell him, "I'm not getting involved with a man who can't stand up to his family." Or if that's too much, tell him, "Sorry, I can't get involved with a guy who doesn't know a good thing when he sees it."
The next time he says he wants a cup of coffee, give him directions to Starbucks. If he asks to borrow any of your belongings for work, tell him to try an office supply store.
-Terry
Many people have advised never to ask where I stand with a guy, but I saw this particular man for 5 months. Then he broke it off because he can't see a future between us (his father and family would not approve of him marrying a woman from a different race). I stayed out of his way, and he stayed away for a while.
Then he came back.
Once he did, he repeatedly invited me for coffee.
Now he touches me unnecessarily and uses terms of endearment. He asked to come over to my house, saying he needed to borrow some items for work. I agreed, and soon after he arrived, he was all over me. I asked him what had caused this change in him, and he said nothing had changed.
He said he enjoys my company and having a laugh. I told him to get his hands off me, which he did, but after he left, he started calling me repeatedly. I ignored him for a while, but I missed him.
My friends say I should clarify with him about where I stand, but this seems to conflict with your advice not to ask a man about this. Do you think he's a player? He seems very confused about life in general.
What do you think?
-Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Dear Should-
Every time I read your letter, I get a little madder. The guy you describe is flat-out ridiculous.
As for the advice not to ask where you stand, my feeling is a woman should always know where she stands. A man should be communicating this in a straightforward, honest fashion. If he does not, she should assume he is not worth her time.
Communication is a two-way street. It's not one person lying awake at night wondering what the other person meant when they said this and meant when they did that.
The man you describe is hardly being straightforward (touching you after telling you his father will not agree to a relationship with you, for example). He is not considering anybody else's feelings but his own. Take a step back and look at him objectively. His behavior is sad and unattractive.
(The father excuse is a cop-out of the most pathetic order, by the way.)
The fact that he acted hurt when you accused him of being a player is beyond annoying. I don't know if he's a player, but I certainly think you can do better than a man who is "all over you" but tells you he can't have a relationship because you come from a different race. (Forgive me; I'm repeating myself, but I still can't get past this nonsense.)
Clearly, you're attracted to this man, or you wouldn't have written. One way to kill attraction is to write down a list of things you don't like about him (making lame excuses about his inability to become involved with you can be Item #1, and his confusion about life can be Item #2).
Whip out this list and read it whenever you're tempted to think, "this guy really likes me, but he doesn't want to risk offending his family."
Please stay away from him. You don't owe him a single explanation. If you must, tell him, "I'm not getting involved with a man who can't stand up to his family." Or if that's too much, tell him, "Sorry, I can't get involved with a guy who doesn't know a good thing when he sees it."
The next time he says he wants a cup of coffee, give him directions to Starbucks. If he asks to borrow any of your belongings for work, tell him to try an office supply store.
-Terry
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Why Did He Back Off?
Dear Terry-
There is this dude who I've known for about 3-5 years now. He's really sociable. We met through friends. Eventually, if we saw each other out and about, we'd strike up a conversation.
Within the last year, we started speaking on Facebook. Then we exchanged numbers, but still strictly as friends until only in the last three months have we started talking regularly.
At first there was a question about his intentions. . . being the sociable guy that he is I had to specifically ask him was he interested in me or just being friendly. I should have known because we were talking all day sometimes (like 6 hours at a time when neither one of us had to work), and we spoke every day as well.
Well, over the last three days, he has seemed distant to me, and I ignored it at first because he travels for work and had been out of town for a few days, he attended a funeral the previous week, and he might have wanted or spend time with his family for Easter.
But then I decided I couldn't ignore it: We weren't even connecting on the phone as we had been doing all along, and I felt the difference immediately after he'd told me I was being lazy for procrastinating on some work I had to do.
I was very offended because he did kind of pull my card. My procrastination is an issue that I deal with but at the same time, I am doing okay for myself. ( I'll be 26 in a month. Am student teaching as one of the final phases of a master degree I'm working on. I freelance as a fashion stylist in my spare time.)
I might just be on the offense but earlier today he made a comment about "Why do you have to wear makeup? Why don't you just go natural?" when I jokingly said, "I'm putting my face on," as I was on the phone with him and getting ready to go to the store.
He said it in a tone of disgust though so coupled with the comment about me being lazy - I'm thinking he's forming reasons not to be into me anymore ( too analytical?)
Back to the lazy comment: It really hurt because I know this is one of the traits that he hates in people. He loves a goal-oriented woman, and this is one of the things he once gave me props on.
He himself is really focused on moving from the city and finding a good job out of state. Although I know it will probably be over once he leaves, I've been willing to follow my emotions because I haven't allowed myself to open up to anyone in so long, and since he slipped in as a friend it has been easier, the communication WAS free-er and it feels/felt good!
Also I was encouraged by a text he sent that said, "Don't say that. When and if I do leave doesn't mean you have to leave my life. I hope we don't stop." So here I am thinking we're on the same page -- as my friend he learned all about the kind of stuff I'd been through in relationships and vise versa. He even said to me something along the lines of, "I don't understand, you're a beautiful girl. You're smart. You seem cool, and easy to get along with, etc. . etc. " Just giving me all kinds of praise to the point where I had to ask him was he interested in me as more than a friend.
Today I finally said something about the distance I felt forming between us, and he kind of snapped (though he might say he didn't because I've told him to check his volume before - and I'm still learning the difference between him just getting excited on a subject, and getting like abrasive). First thing he says "man, i hate when ppl say that . . . so what are you saying, you wanna see me everyday. is that what you're saying" As a result, I feel like, this has been an issue before, and it isn't just me. He was taking something out on me from someone else he dated, and most important, we must not be on the same page far as what we want because i'm not unreasonable.
I'm fine with not seeing someone everyday - duh - but at the same time, if I like being around you and you've told me you like my company too, then why wouldn't my natural desire be to want to see you daily? Even if I am okay, and not going to trip about it if we don't.
My problem, that I can't seem to explain to him (verbal communication is hard for me) is not with not seeing him but that I'm not feeling the connection that I felt just a few days ago when he first got back in town.
I don't know if I've come on too strong and he is taking a step back and I should let it fade out and move on ( I did meet someone today when I forced myself to get out the house -- bought some paper clips, and file folders at the store) OR is there something I should or can say to him?
Thank you for your time. This got a lot longer than I expected it to.
-Too Lazy for Love?
Dear You're Not Lazy-
Please do me a favor and re-read your letter (I edited the first couple of paragraphs, but you still get the drift).
Here's a guy who kept you on the phone for six hours on his days off, and then blanched when he got the notion you'd be interested in seeing more of him in person.
You're finishing your Master's Degree, and you freelance as a fashion stylist. And this guy calls you lazy. And you wonder if you measure up to his expectations for a goal-oriented woman. Give me a break.
And then he makes a snide comment about your makeup. (First you're a "beautiful girl," and now you wear too much makeup). What is he going to comment about next? Your hair? Your weight?
It seems to me that this guy spends so much time on the phone and Facebook because he's got a problem. No woman is ever going to meet his expectations because he probably can't even meet his expectations for himself. (When he called you lazy was he really talking about you? Or about himself? Because he spends an awful amount of time on the phone to qualify as Action Jackson).
But enough about him.
I'm no psychologist, but several things concern me:
- You are utterly wrapped up in what this very critical guy thinks.
- You worried if he was being friendly, or if he was truly interested in you. You shouldn't have had to wonder. He's a big boy and should be able to clearly communicate his intentions. (If a guy isn't clear about his intentions, back away until he gets with the program.)
-You say you have trouble communicating yourself. I'm not getting a sense of this from your letter, but if you say so, I'll believe you. If this is truly the case, practice expressing your feelings. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Expect the same from other people.
You asked whether you should move on. Yes, by all means, do. Stay out there, keep meeting people, keep developing your communication skills, learn to expect better communication from the men you go out with. Expect encouragment from them, instead of sniping.
Since I was not in the room when this guy made the comments about you being lazy and wearing too much makeup, it's possible he was joking around. But it doesn't explain the "Man, I hate it when people say that..." comment.
It's a bit ridiculous for him to expect you to invest six hours of your day talking to him on the phone, and then he can't even get off his rump to meet you somewhere and look you in the eye for a couple of hours.
The majority of a relationship should be spend face-to-face, not online or on the phone (if you're in the same area; when you're not, both parties should make an effort to see one another whenever possible).
Oh, yes: He is moving out of state (or so he says). I don't care what he said about keeping you in his life, it's entirely possible you deserve much more than to be there. So keep your options open. If he calls you again, set an egg timer. After five minutes, give him the heave-ho.
There is this dude who I've known for about 3-5 years now. He's really sociable. We met through friends. Eventually, if we saw each other out and about, we'd strike up a conversation.
Within the last year, we started speaking on Facebook. Then we exchanged numbers, but still strictly as friends until only in the last three months have we started talking regularly.
At first there was a question about his intentions. . . being the sociable guy that he is I had to specifically ask him was he interested in me or just being friendly. I should have known because we were talking all day sometimes (like 6 hours at a time when neither one of us had to work), and we spoke every day as well.
Well, over the last three days, he has seemed distant to me, and I ignored it at first because he travels for work and had been out of town for a few days, he attended a funeral the previous week, and he might have wanted or spend time with his family for Easter.
But then I decided I couldn't ignore it: We weren't even connecting on the phone as we had been doing all along, and I felt the difference immediately after he'd told me I was being lazy for procrastinating on some work I had to do.
I was very offended because he did kind of pull my card. My procrastination is an issue that I deal with but at the same time, I am doing okay for myself. ( I'll be 26 in a month. Am student teaching as one of the final phases of a master degree I'm working on. I freelance as a fashion stylist in my spare time.)
I might just be on the offense but earlier today he made a comment about "Why do you have to wear makeup? Why don't you just go natural?" when I jokingly said, "I'm putting my face on," as I was on the phone with him and getting ready to go to the store.
He said it in a tone of disgust though so coupled with the comment about me being lazy - I'm thinking he's forming reasons not to be into me anymore ( too analytical?)
Back to the lazy comment: It really hurt because I know this is one of the traits that he hates in people. He loves a goal-oriented woman, and this is one of the things he once gave me props on.
He himself is really focused on moving from the city and finding a good job out of state. Although I know it will probably be over once he leaves, I've been willing to follow my emotions because I haven't allowed myself to open up to anyone in so long, and since he slipped in as a friend it has been easier, the communication WAS free-er and it feels/felt good!
Also I was encouraged by a text he sent that said, "Don't say that. When and if I do leave doesn't mean you have to leave my life. I hope we don't stop." So here I am thinking we're on the same page -- as my friend he learned all about the kind of stuff I'd been through in relationships and vise versa. He even said to me something along the lines of, "I don't understand, you're a beautiful girl. You're smart. You seem cool, and easy to get along with, etc. . etc. " Just giving me all kinds of praise to the point where I had to ask him was he interested in me as more than a friend.
Today I finally said something about the distance I felt forming between us, and he kind of snapped (though he might say he didn't because I've told him to check his volume before - and I'm still learning the difference between him just getting excited on a subject, and getting like abrasive). First thing he says "man, i hate when ppl say that . . . so what are you saying, you wanna see me everyday. is that what you're saying" As a result, I feel like, this has been an issue before, and it isn't just me. He was taking something out on me from someone else he dated, and most important, we must not be on the same page far as what we want because i'm not unreasonable.
I'm fine with not seeing someone everyday - duh - but at the same time, if I like being around you and you've told me you like my company too, then why wouldn't my natural desire be to want to see you daily? Even if I am okay, and not going to trip about it if we don't.
My problem, that I can't seem to explain to him (verbal communication is hard for me) is not with not seeing him but that I'm not feeling the connection that I felt just a few days ago when he first got back in town.
I don't know if I've come on too strong and he is taking a step back and I should let it fade out and move on ( I did meet someone today when I forced myself to get out the house -- bought some paper clips, and file folders at the store) OR is there something I should or can say to him?
Thank you for your time. This got a lot longer than I expected it to.
-Too Lazy for Love?
Dear You're Not Lazy-
Please do me a favor and re-read your letter (I edited the first couple of paragraphs, but you still get the drift).
Here's a guy who kept you on the phone for six hours on his days off, and then blanched when he got the notion you'd be interested in seeing more of him in person.
You're finishing your Master's Degree, and you freelance as a fashion stylist. And this guy calls you lazy. And you wonder if you measure up to his expectations for a goal-oriented woman. Give me a break.
And then he makes a snide comment about your makeup. (First you're a "beautiful girl," and now you wear too much makeup). What is he going to comment about next? Your hair? Your weight?
It seems to me that this guy spends so much time on the phone and Facebook because he's got a problem. No woman is ever going to meet his expectations because he probably can't even meet his expectations for himself. (When he called you lazy was he really talking about you? Or about himself? Because he spends an awful amount of time on the phone to qualify as Action Jackson).
But enough about him.
I'm no psychologist, but several things concern me:
- You are utterly wrapped up in what this very critical guy thinks.
- You worried if he was being friendly, or if he was truly interested in you. You shouldn't have had to wonder. He's a big boy and should be able to clearly communicate his intentions. (If a guy isn't clear about his intentions, back away until he gets with the program.)
-You say you have trouble communicating yourself. I'm not getting a sense of this from your letter, but if you say so, I'll believe you. If this is truly the case, practice expressing your feelings. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Expect the same from other people.
You asked whether you should move on. Yes, by all means, do. Stay out there, keep meeting people, keep developing your communication skills, learn to expect better communication from the men you go out with. Expect encouragment from them, instead of sniping.
Since I was not in the room when this guy made the comments about you being lazy and wearing too much makeup, it's possible he was joking around. But it doesn't explain the "Man, I hate it when people say that..." comment.
It's a bit ridiculous for him to expect you to invest six hours of your day talking to him on the phone, and then he can't even get off his rump to meet you somewhere and look you in the eye for a couple of hours.
The majority of a relationship should be spend face-to-face, not online or on the phone (if you're in the same area; when you're not, both parties should make an effort to see one another whenever possible).
Oh, yes: He is moving out of state (or so he says). I don't care what he said about keeping you in his life, it's entirely possible you deserve much more than to be there. So keep your options open. If he calls you again, set an egg timer. After five minutes, give him the heave-ho.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Exciting Law of Attraction Resource
I enjoy reading the Good Vibe Blog by Law of Attraction Coach Jeannette Maw.
I came across two entries that may interest you. The first has to do with the Eliot Spitzer debacle, and the second discusses what Jesus might have made of deliberate creation (translation: getting what you want, whether it's a relationship or several thousand fish and loaves of bread).
I came across two entries that may interest you. The first has to do with the Eliot Spitzer debacle, and the second discusses what Jesus might have made of deliberate creation (translation: getting what you want, whether it's a relationship or several thousand fish and loaves of bread).
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Getting Past a Bad Face Day
I received this lovely response to my post about how to feel attractive when you just don't:
Excellent advice, Terry! I can confirm that what you have advised this reader really works. I'm 39 and all my colleagues thinks I'm much younger. When they make comments about age and "me being much younger" (they're mostly 40 or in their early 40s), I keep quiet and don't comment. I look much younger than most 35 year olds and many people actually think I'm younger than 35 too! I affirm every day that "I am a wise, sexy, and beautiful woman" and you know what happens? I FEEL like a sexy and beautiful woman! It really does work.
I was especially happy to receive this message yesterday when I, myself, was suffering a Bad Face Day of the highest order, having spent Easter weekend in a succession of restaurants. Let's face it; even some so-called better eateries boost the taste of their food with MSG and God-knows-what-else.
So I woke up yesterday looking like I'd been shot out of a cannon: Puffy eyes, swollen cheeks, a pimple the size of Michigan on my chin (I'm serious; you could stake a flagpole on it).
It's so easy to get down in the dumps about this stuff, especially since I had to go to the dentist yesterday morning and lie under a honking fluorescent light. But, as I sat in the waiting room, I leafed through one of those supermarket rags, Star, that I usually scoff at. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was attracted by the cover story, "Stars Without Their Makeup." (Did I mention that I'm ashamed to admit this?)
Most of the stars actually looked pretty much the way you'd expect them to without makeup, a little sleepy, perhaps, but not bad. However, two photos really struck me.
The first was of the biggest model in the universe today, and (again, not proud to admit this) it thrilled me to see that she really does benefit a great deal from the judicious application of makeup and false eyelashes.
The second photo was of a major reality TV star, who's normally downright bewitching. But, without makeup, her complexion is riddled with dark spots and shadows.
And then, when I got back to my computer, I found the lovely message from a reader, which really buoyed me and reminded me to take my own advice. Which I did.
I'm glad to report that I look and feel much better today, although the pimple remains stationed on my chin and will probably not retreat until the weekend. Eyes are no longer puffy and cheeks have deflated to their normal proportions, though, thank God.
Fie on restaurants who use MSG and chemical spices and hydrogenated oil! If that poison makes you look bad on the outside, what's it doing to you on the inside?
Stay far, far away.
Excellent advice, Terry! I can confirm that what you have advised this reader really works. I'm 39 and all my colleagues thinks I'm much younger. When they make comments about age and "me being much younger" (they're mostly 40 or in their early 40s), I keep quiet and don't comment. I look much younger than most 35 year olds and many people actually think I'm younger than 35 too! I affirm every day that "I am a wise, sexy, and beautiful woman" and you know what happens? I FEEL like a sexy and beautiful woman! It really does work.
I was especially happy to receive this message yesterday when I, myself, was suffering a Bad Face Day of the highest order, having spent Easter weekend in a succession of restaurants. Let's face it; even some so-called better eateries boost the taste of their food with MSG and God-knows-what-else.
So I woke up yesterday looking like I'd been shot out of a cannon: Puffy eyes, swollen cheeks, a pimple the size of Michigan on my chin (I'm serious; you could stake a flagpole on it).
It's so easy to get down in the dumps about this stuff, especially since I had to go to the dentist yesterday morning and lie under a honking fluorescent light. But, as I sat in the waiting room, I leafed through one of those supermarket rags, Star, that I usually scoff at. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was attracted by the cover story, "Stars Without Their Makeup." (Did I mention that I'm ashamed to admit this?)
Most of the stars actually looked pretty much the way you'd expect them to without makeup, a little sleepy, perhaps, but not bad. However, two photos really struck me.
The first was of the biggest model in the universe today, and (again, not proud to admit this) it thrilled me to see that she really does benefit a great deal from the judicious application of makeup and false eyelashes.
The second photo was of a major reality TV star, who's normally downright bewitching. But, without makeup, her complexion is riddled with dark spots and shadows.
And then, when I got back to my computer, I found the lovely message from a reader, which really buoyed me and reminded me to take my own advice. Which I did.
I'm glad to report that I look and feel much better today, although the pimple remains stationed on my chin and will probably not retreat until the weekend. Eyes are no longer puffy and cheeks have deflated to their normal proportions, though, thank God.
Fie on restaurants who use MSG and chemical spices and hydrogenated oil! If that poison makes you look bad on the outside, what's it doing to you on the inside?
Stay far, far away.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Rolling that Rock of Love Off a Cliff
There's nothing like celebrating Easter with a little Rock of Love 2, starring hair band frontman Bret Michaels and an assortment of bandanas that I truly hope are American-made.
I spent much of the episode wondering if Bret has a soul. After watching him plead for donations to aid the victims of the 2003 Station nightclub fire in Rhode Island, I am beginning to think he might. However, it doesn't explain why he insists that the winner of the cheesy competition for his so-called love must not have any emotional or physical attachments to other men, while he remains free to spread his bodily fluids around with whomever will accept them.
To find out the truth about the contestants in the "house of lies," Bret summoned the former lovers of Ladies of Low Self-Esteem. In the hopes of getting the boys to rat out their exes, he tried to get them loaded at a bar in a mall. Judging by the expressions on some of their faces (particularly Ambre's friend, who seemed like a geniunely decent guy), they saw Bret for the poseur he truly is. I don't think hanging out in a mall bar jibed with their idea of the life of a rock star. Or even the life of a guy who pretends to be a rock star, like Bret.
At the end of the show, Bret eliminated Megan, the 22-year-old who calls everybody over the age of 30 -- except Bret -- "old." Last week, she sniped that 32-year-old Ambre couldn't keep up because, "What do you expect? She's an old lady."
Yeah, well, the old lady is still 13 years younger than Bret Michaels. Heck, she's probably younger than some of his bandanas.
I spent much of the episode wondering if Bret has a soul. After watching him plead for donations to aid the victims of the 2003 Station nightclub fire in Rhode Island, I am beginning to think he might. However, it doesn't explain why he insists that the winner of the cheesy competition for his so-called love must not have any emotional or physical attachments to other men, while he remains free to spread his bodily fluids around with whomever will accept them.
To find out the truth about the contestants in the "house of lies," Bret summoned the former lovers of Ladies of Low Self-Esteem. In the hopes of getting the boys to rat out their exes, he tried to get them loaded at a bar in a mall. Judging by the expressions on some of their faces (particularly Ambre's friend, who seemed like a geniunely decent guy), they saw Bret for the poseur he truly is. I don't think hanging out in a mall bar jibed with their idea of the life of a rock star. Or even the life of a guy who pretends to be a rock star, like Bret.
At the end of the show, Bret eliminated Megan, the 22-year-old who calls everybody over the age of 30 -- except Bret -- "old." Last week, she sniped that 32-year-old Ambre couldn't keep up because, "What do you expect? She's an old lady."
Yeah, well, the old lady is still 13 years younger than Bret Michaels. Heck, she's probably younger than some of his bandanas.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Dating Advice From a Married Couple Who Met Online
It's great when you attract like-minded people into your orbit. I did just that this week when I found an email in my box from Scot McKay, a dating coach and blogger, introducing himself and his wife, Emily.
I gave Scot a call. He told me that he and Emily, who met online, are passionate about helping other people meet their matches and to "never, ever settle."
We discovered that we share several philosophies about what it really takes to meet the person of one's dreams, including a "treat others as you would have them treat you, and (every bit as important) have others treat you as you would treat them " approach to dating.
Emily has written a free 8-Part Mini-Course called "16 Generally Accepted But Disastrous Dating Principles." Click here to check it out.
I'm delighted that Scot posted my article, "Flirting 101 (For Men and Women)" to his dating advice blog today. It may take a couple of seconds to load, so if you'd like to read it, please be patient.
I gave Scot a call. He told me that he and Emily, who met online, are passionate about helping other people meet their matches and to "never, ever settle."
We discovered that we share several philosophies about what it really takes to meet the person of one's dreams, including a "treat others as you would have them treat you, and (every bit as important) have others treat you as you would treat them " approach to dating.
Emily has written a free 8-Part Mini-Course called "16 Generally Accepted But Disastrous Dating Principles." Click here to check it out.
I'm delighted that Scot posted my article, "Flirting 101 (For Men and Women)" to his dating advice blog today. It may take a couple of seconds to load, so if you'd like to read it, please be patient.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
How to Feel Attractive to Men (When You Don't Feel Attractive)
Hi, Terry-
You know when you're over 40 (just, lol) and working, with loads of other responsibilities/drains on all resources? Well it can be very demanding just getting from one day to the next. Add to this the worry about how rapidly looks seem to fade, it's more difficult than ever to stay in top form when you meet someone and you're out there dating again.
Can you add some of your no-nonsense advice on this general theme. As you know, I'm going through changes in outlook and life, the excitement of following your advice is bringing all sorts of improvements, I'd just like something to help me stay on track during the more jaded times. It can be a real challenge not to fall back into the negative unhealthy patterns, and I've learnt that this thinking leads women (me) to make bad/desperate decisions.
But feeling like a desirable, wonderful woman when you're worn out just surviving, well, I'm only hitting it in spots. I definitely feel older and see changes in my appearance and body, it's beginning to gnaw at me a bit regarding my attractiveness to men. Although, look at the plonkers I attracted when I was in my 20s and wrinkle free!
Thanks for your ongoing dedication to women and improved relationships.
Regards,
-C.
Hello, C.-
Thanks for a question I can really sink my teeth into.
When I was in my 20s, I read a fabulous book that seriously changed my life called The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy, PhD.
This fellow, Dr. Murphy, proposed:
I would like to add that you''ll look younger, too.
You may be 40 (just!), but what exactly does that mean? I read a critically-acclaimed and commercially successful novel last week that described a man of 45 as old.
I had a choice right there and then: To accept the idea that a person who's inhabited the planet for only 45 years is old (when a US weatherman says he's deluged with increasing numbers of letters from humans celebrating their one-hundredth years and can't fit them all into his "Happy Birthday" segment), or to reject that notion immediately.
So please change your beliefs about being whatever age you are.
If you tell yourself your looks are fading, trust me, you will act on that belief. It will show in your eyes and in your posture and in the way you wear your hair. Tell yourself instead, "I am younger and more beautiful every day." Close your eyes and feel it. Then open your eyes and say it to yourself in the mirror.
(I guarantee you will feel like a fool doing this, but keep it up. It will make a difference.)
Stop saying, "I'm 40." What if you were to pretend and say instead, "I'm 30?"
After my 35th birthday, after reading Dr. Murphy's book for the 60,000th time, I decided to tell myself, "I'm 25." And guess what? I realized I didn't feel a second over 35, so why should I be 35?
(NOTE: I don't advocate lying about one's age--or about anything else-- to other people, however. I'm also on the fence about keeping one's age to oneself; the beautiful 54-year-old model Christie Brinkley shouts her age to the world, but a 103-year-old woman I know used to keep hers quiet because she didn't want other people "limiting" her.)
I've known people who were old at 25, who cried about having reached the quarter-century mark. By the time they were 30, they were grunting when they got off a couch. Conversely, I know a 76-year-old man who used to go around telling himself, "I'm younger than springtime" when he was in his 40s and 50s (and he probably still does).
You should see him now.
He didn't retire until he was close to 72. Shortly before then, he got to talking to a much-younger man on the train. When the younger man discovered the older man's age, he couldn't believe it. He slapped the older man on the back and exclaimed, "Can you believe this guy? Can you believe he's over 70?"
Then he shook the older man's hand and thanked him for being an inspiration.
So, please change your beliefs. If your jawline looks a bit slack, tell yourself it's firming up. I'm sure plastic surgeons will take issue with this method, but your subconscious mind is powerful. Think young. Act young.
Also, if you find yourself waking up with puffy eyes and a sorry complexion, examine the food you eat. Stick with unprocessed food. Avoid MSG. A good friend of mine has been blessedly free of football eyes and sausage fingers ever since she discovered she's allergic to gluten.
Please avoid fast food, or anything made with partially-hydrogenated oil or high-fructose corn syrup.
Also, keep in mind the things you liked to do when you were young, and if you still like them, make time for them. Learning new things keeps you young, as well. Dr. Murphy wrote:
Here's another quote you may find helpful from The Power of Your Subconscious Mind:
"You are as young as you think you are. You are as strong as you think you are. You are as useful as you think you are. You are as young as your thoughts."
I'd like to add, "You're as attractive as you think you are." Keep telling yourself, "I am a wonderful, desirable woman. There's a man out there who'll be lucky to have me."
You know when you're over 40 (just, lol) and working, with loads of other responsibilities/drains on all resources? Well it can be very demanding just getting from one day to the next. Add to this the worry about how rapidly looks seem to fade, it's more difficult than ever to stay in top form when you meet someone and you're out there dating again.
Can you add some of your no-nonsense advice on this general theme. As you know, I'm going through changes in outlook and life, the excitement of following your advice is bringing all sorts of improvements, I'd just like something to help me stay on track during the more jaded times. It can be a real challenge not to fall back into the negative unhealthy patterns, and I've learnt that this thinking leads women (me) to make bad/desperate decisions.
But feeling like a desirable, wonderful woman when you're worn out just surviving, well, I'm only hitting it in spots. I definitely feel older and see changes in my appearance and body, it's beginning to gnaw at me a bit regarding my attractiveness to men. Although, look at the plonkers I attracted when I was in my 20s and wrinkle free!
Thanks for your ongoing dedication to women and improved relationships.
Regards,
-C.
Hello, C.-
Thanks for a question I can really sink my teeth into.
When I was in my 20s, I read a fabulous book that seriously changed my life called The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy, PhD.
This fellow, Dr. Murphy, proposed:
"Your subconscious mind is conditioned by your thoughts. If your thoughts are constantly on the beautiful, the noble, and the good, you will remain young regardless of the chronological years."
I would like to add that you''ll look younger, too.
You may be 40 (just!), but what exactly does that mean? I read a critically-acclaimed and commercially successful novel last week that described a man of 45 as old.
I had a choice right there and then: To accept the idea that a person who's inhabited the planet for only 45 years is old (when a US weatherman says he's deluged with increasing numbers of letters from humans celebrating their one-hundredth years and can't fit them all into his "Happy Birthday" segment), or to reject that notion immediately.
So please change your beliefs about being whatever age you are.
If you tell yourself your looks are fading, trust me, you will act on that belief. It will show in your eyes and in your posture and in the way you wear your hair. Tell yourself instead, "I am younger and more beautiful every day." Close your eyes and feel it. Then open your eyes and say it to yourself in the mirror.
(I guarantee you will feel like a fool doing this, but keep it up. It will make a difference.)
Stop saying, "I'm 40." What if you were to pretend and say instead, "I'm 30?"
After my 35th birthday, after reading Dr. Murphy's book for the 60,000th time, I decided to tell myself, "I'm 25." And guess what? I realized I didn't feel a second over 35, so why should I be 35?
(NOTE: I don't advocate lying about one's age--or about anything else-- to other people, however. I'm also on the fence about keeping one's age to oneself; the beautiful 54-year-old model Christie Brinkley shouts her age to the world, but a 103-year-old woman I know used to keep hers quiet because she didn't want other people "limiting" her.)
I've known people who were old at 25, who cried about having reached the quarter-century mark. By the time they were 30, they were grunting when they got off a couch. Conversely, I know a 76-year-old man who used to go around telling himself, "I'm younger than springtime" when he was in his 40s and 50s (and he probably still does).
You should see him now.
He didn't retire until he was close to 72. Shortly before then, he got to talking to a much-younger man on the train. When the younger man discovered the older man's age, he couldn't believe it. He slapped the older man on the back and exclaimed, "Can you believe this guy? Can you believe he's over 70?"
Then he shook the older man's hand and thanked him for being an inspiration.
So, please change your beliefs. If your jawline looks a bit slack, tell yourself it's firming up. I'm sure plastic surgeons will take issue with this method, but your subconscious mind is powerful. Think young. Act young.
Also, if you find yourself waking up with puffy eyes and a sorry complexion, examine the food you eat. Stick with unprocessed food. Avoid MSG. A good friend of mine has been blessedly free of football eyes and sausage fingers ever since she discovered she's allergic to gluten.
Please avoid fast food, or anything made with partially-hydrogenated oil or high-fructose corn syrup.
Also, keep in mind the things you liked to do when you were young, and if you still like them, make time for them. Learning new things keeps you young, as well. Dr. Murphy wrote:
"My father learned the French language at 65 years of age and became an authority on it at 70. He made a study of Gaelic when he was over 60, and became an acknowledged and famous teacher of the subject. He assisted my sister in a school of higher learning and continued to do so until he passed away at 99. His mind was as clear at 99 as it was when he was 20. Moreover, his handwriting and his reasoning powers had improved with age. Truly, you are as old as you think and feel."
Here's another quote you may find helpful from The Power of Your Subconscious Mind:
"You are as young as you think you are. You are as strong as you think you are. You are as useful as you think you are. You are as young as your thoughts."
I'd like to add, "You're as attractive as you think you are." Keep telling yourself, "I am a wonderful, desirable woman. There's a man out there who'll be lucky to have me."
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Marriage: Is He Running Out Excuses?
Dear Terry,
I've been trying to collect some courage to ask you something. Now maybe I can.
My story goes like this:
I've been going out now with my boyfriend for 3 years and living in for 2 years, and we know what we want, like getting married, having children, etc. A lot of his friends are getting married, some are pregnant and also a lot of my friends, really puts us under pressure.
Today he just wrote a friend an e-mail (I was in the distributions list) for some business stuff and also private stuff, like to go out for dinner once again.
So, my boyfriend's friends started teasing him about not getting married yet, then, my boyfriend agreed like, yes, he knows that and he's the only bachelor now in their circle of friends. He wrote he's running out of excuses. I didn't write any comment, just want to know what he meant about it, and how am I going to react on this one.
Thank you for your help.
-Concerned Girlfriend
Dear Concerned-
It's possible your boyfriend was joking. It's also possible that he wasn't.
But it's entirely possible that he was!
Let me ask you an important question:
Do you really want to get married, or are you happy with your current situation? If you're happy living together, then please don't let your friends pressure you into any marriage you may not be ready for.
However, if you do want to get married (truly, because you love this man and not because "it's time" or other silly stuff that presses people into doing things that aren't in their best interests), then you'll want to consider whether this man plans to ever meet you at the top of the aisle.
This is your life we're talking about, after all.
Since it's very possible your boyfriend was just joking around, make a joke about it yourself. Say, "Hey, about that comment you made about "running out of excuses" to your buddies on that email this morning --what the heck was that supposed to mean?"
Then stop talking. Look him in the eye. Listen to his answer. Then decide what you do from there.
Whatever it is, be sure to do it with grace and good humor.
Thank you for writing. I hope this helps, and I hope it finds you feeling much, much better.
Terry
I've been trying to collect some courage to ask you something. Now maybe I can.
My story goes like this:
I've been going out now with my boyfriend for 3 years and living in for 2 years, and we know what we want, like getting married, having children, etc. A lot of his friends are getting married, some are pregnant and also a lot of my friends, really puts us under pressure.
Today he just wrote a friend an e-mail (I was in the distributions list) for some business stuff and also private stuff, like to go out for dinner once again.
So, my boyfriend's friends started teasing him about not getting married yet, then, my boyfriend agreed like, yes, he knows that and he's the only bachelor now in their circle of friends. He wrote he's running out of excuses. I didn't write any comment, just want to know what he meant about it, and how am I going to react on this one.
Thank you for your help.
-Concerned Girlfriend
Dear Concerned-
It's possible your boyfriend was joking. It's also possible that he wasn't.
But it's entirely possible that he was!
Let me ask you an important question:
Do you really want to get married, or are you happy with your current situation? If you're happy living together, then please don't let your friends pressure you into any marriage you may not be ready for.
However, if you do want to get married (truly, because you love this man and not because "it's time" or other silly stuff that presses people into doing things that aren't in their best interests), then you'll want to consider whether this man plans to ever meet you at the top of the aisle.
This is your life we're talking about, after all.
Since it's very possible your boyfriend was just joking around, make a joke about it yourself. Say, "Hey, about that comment you made about "running out of excuses" to your buddies on that email this morning --what the heck was that supposed to mean?"
Then stop talking. Look him in the eye. Listen to his answer. Then decide what you do from there.
Whatever it is, be sure to do it with grace and good humor.
Thank you for writing. I hope this helps, and I hope it finds you feeling much, much better.
Terry
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Guys and Texting
Hello, Terry-
Do you think that depending on your age group, attitudes to texting etc. are different? I am observing that younger guys (35 and under) are less willing to phone or talk face-to-face and also are less proactive about inviting you out - they are used to the young women being more aggressive and hitting on them. So they tend to be more passive about this and wait for you to make the moves - but this doesn't necessarily mean they aren't interested. What do you think about this?
-Wondering
Hello, Wondering-
You ask an excellent question.
I talked to a young friend about this (she's in her teens). She said guys her age do most of the asking out, usually in person.
She did say that the shy ones do often prefer to text. That way, they don't have to rehearse a big speech, and if they get rejected, it's easier to take.
I asked her, "If a guy were to text you to ask you out, would he do it on the spur of the moment? Would he ask you to meet him in an hour or the next day, for example?"
She said, "No. He'd probably ask me to go out with him later on; he'd text on a Monday to go out on a Friday."
She said she definitely wouldn't go out with a guy who wanted to meet in an hour or even the next day.
She thinks that girls are more aggressive, but guys are definitely aggressive about going for what they want, too. They don't wait for women to make the moves.
I hope this answers your question.
Terry
Do you think that depending on your age group, attitudes to texting etc. are different? I am observing that younger guys (35 and under) are less willing to phone or talk face-to-face and also are less proactive about inviting you out - they are used to the young women being more aggressive and hitting on them. So they tend to be more passive about this and wait for you to make the moves - but this doesn't necessarily mean they aren't interested. What do you think about this?
-Wondering
Hello, Wondering-
You ask an excellent question.
I talked to a young friend about this (she's in her teens). She said guys her age do most of the asking out, usually in person.
She did say that the shy ones do often prefer to text. That way, they don't have to rehearse a big speech, and if they get rejected, it's easier to take.
I asked her, "If a guy were to text you to ask you out, would he do it on the spur of the moment? Would he ask you to meet him in an hour or the next day, for example?"
She said, "No. He'd probably ask me to go out with him later on; he'd text on a Monday to go out on a Friday."
She said she definitely wouldn't go out with a guy who wanted to meet in an hour or even the next day.
She thinks that girls are more aggressive, but guys are definitely aggressive about going for what they want, too. They don't wait for women to make the moves.
I hope this answers your question.
Terry
Monday, March 17, 2008
Dating the Irish and People Who Like Them
This just in:
Got a tip on an "eclectic online community for people who already have a life" called IrishAbroad.com, which two Irish expats who live in San Francisco founded 10 years ago.
According to the website, "IrishAbroad.com is an Irish news and social networking website with over 240,000 members worldwide. The site is for Irish expats, descendants and any person wishing to travel to Ireland. Here, you will find news and information, community and friendship."
It also features free IrishAbroad Personals.
While I haven't used any of IrishAbroad's services myself, you may want to check them out.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Got a tip on an "eclectic online community for people who already have a life" called IrishAbroad.com, which two Irish expats who live in San Francisco founded 10 years ago.
According to the website, "IrishAbroad.com is an Irish news and social networking website with over 240,000 members worldwide. The site is for Irish expats, descendants and any person wishing to travel to Ireland. Here, you will find news and information, community and friendship."
It also features free IrishAbroad Personals.
While I haven't used any of IrishAbroad's services myself, you may want to check them out.
Happy St. Patrick's Day!
Bret Really Liked Kristy Joe...
We suspend dating advice today to summarize a most helpful TV program, Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels, which does the public service of exhibiting the type of substandard man women do well to avoid.
In last night's episode, Poison warbler Bret Michaels admitted that he really liked "annoying" contestant Kristy Joe and was "emotionally destroyed" when she chose to leave the Rock of Love 2 harem. (In the previous installment, he was "physically and emotionally exhausted" about something else. He's a sensitive guy.)
Emotions aside, Bret managed to make out with both Ambre ("the best kisser in the house") and Megan ("I'm not feeling a connection, but I do feel like sucking face") in the same episode.
As usual, he took the winners of the week's challenge on "insanely awesome" (instead of merely awesome) dates that required the victims to watch him devour meals like a rabid orangutan. Nobody will ever mistake Bret Michaels for George Clooney.
"I need a woman who can dive into my music and into my life," rhapsodized our vinyl-haired Romeo at the start of last night's show.
The Women of Cripplingly Low-Self Esteem dived. And they'll keep right on diving.
In last night's episode, Poison warbler Bret Michaels admitted that he really liked "annoying" contestant Kristy Joe and was "emotionally destroyed" when she chose to leave the Rock of Love 2 harem. (In the previous installment, he was "physically and emotionally exhausted" about something else. He's a sensitive guy.)
Emotions aside, Bret managed to make out with both Ambre ("the best kisser in the house") and Megan ("I'm not feeling a connection, but I do feel like sucking face") in the same episode.
As usual, he took the winners of the week's challenge on "insanely awesome" (instead of merely awesome) dates that required the victims to watch him devour meals like a rabid orangutan. Nobody will ever mistake Bret Michaels for George Clooney.
"I need a woman who can dive into my music and into my life," rhapsodized our vinyl-haired Romeo at the start of last night's show.
The Women of Cripplingly Low-Self Esteem dived. And they'll keep right on diving.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Dating a Moody and Manipulative Man
Ever get a phone call from a guy that goes like this?
He says, "Hey."
You say, "Hey."
Uncomfortably long pause.
You say, "Is everything okay?"
He says, "Yep."
Uncomfortably long pause.
You say, "So what's going on?"
He says, "Not too much."
You say, "Is everything okay? You sound a little weird."
He says, "Why do you say that?"
You say, "I don't know, I...."
Uncomfortably long pause.
You say, "Listen, did I do something?"
He says, "Why do you say that? Did you do something?"
You say, "No, I-- I was just wondering. You seem a little weird, that's all. Is everything okay?"
He says, "You tell me."
And so on.
Unless you have indeed done something heinous (like sleeping with his brother, breaking into his safety-deposit box, killing his dog) to deserve this person's passive-aggressive treatment, your best bet is this:
Say, in your usual pleasant fashion, "Well, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later."
If he asks when, say, "I don't know." Then tell him goodbye and hang up.
Trust me, the worst thing that could ever happen to you is to get in any deeper with this man (or, heaven forbid, marry him!). His goal in life is either to make everything your fault, or to manipulate you into feeling you owe him something.
He will make you miserable for the rest of your life.
Run for the hills.
He says, "Hey."
You say, "Hey."
Uncomfortably long pause.
You say, "Is everything okay?"
He says, "Yep."
Uncomfortably long pause.
You say, "So what's going on?"
He says, "Not too much."
You say, "Is everything okay? You sound a little weird."
He says, "Why do you say that?"
You say, "I don't know, I...."
Uncomfortably long pause.
You say, "Listen, did I do something?"
He says, "Why do you say that? Did you do something?"
You say, "No, I-- I was just wondering. You seem a little weird, that's all. Is everything okay?"
He says, "You tell me."
And so on.
Unless you have indeed done something heinous (like sleeping with his brother, breaking into his safety-deposit box, killing his dog) to deserve this person's passive-aggressive treatment, your best bet is this:
Say, in your usual pleasant fashion, "Well, I've got to go. I'll talk to you later."
If he asks when, say, "I don't know." Then tell him goodbye and hang up.
Trust me, the worst thing that could ever happen to you is to get in any deeper with this man (or, heaven forbid, marry him!). His goal in life is either to make everything your fault, or to manipulate you into feeling you owe him something.
He will make you miserable for the rest of your life.
Run for the hills.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Emailing to Get a Man's Attention
Hi, Terry-
I notice in that you stress on "not calling a guy" if he himself promises to call...I think you're right about that.
But I have to be honest that I am unsure about whether or not to make contact with a guy even if it's just to ask a question. I mean I am seeing someone new, and this morning I got this cute little email someone sent, and I thought this would be something nice to send to him, so I picked up the phone to call him and ask him for his email address...and then I thought, "You know what? I'd better not".
I used to have no problem picking up the phone if I wanted to talk to a guy....but men are fickle and I think I need to keep my guard up this time...I am 32 and I think I've learned enough not to give them too much attention....What do you think!?
-Curious
Hi, Curious-
I think your instincts are right.
It's tempting to pass on a cute email to a guy or call him to ask a question, but if he said he'll contact you, you're better off waiting to see if his word is any good.
If he said he'd contact you, he should contact you. Then you can ask a casual question, but even then I wouldn't ask him for his email address. What's the point? You want to go out with the guy, not send him jokes.
I'm not one of these people who believes in sitting by the phone and letting the guy call all the shots. However, I do believe that men want a prize in a woman, just as women want a prize in a man.
Don't make attempts to keep yourself on this particular guy's radar. Figure that if he's worth your time, he's going to make sure you know it.
Terry
I notice in that you stress on "not calling a guy" if he himself promises to call...I think you're right about that.
But I have to be honest that I am unsure about whether or not to make contact with a guy even if it's just to ask a question. I mean I am seeing someone new, and this morning I got this cute little email someone sent, and I thought this would be something nice to send to him, so I picked up the phone to call him and ask him for his email address...and then I thought, "You know what? I'd better not".
I used to have no problem picking up the phone if I wanted to talk to a guy....but men are fickle and I think I need to keep my guard up this time...I am 32 and I think I've learned enough not to give them too much attention....What do you think!?
-Curious
Hi, Curious-
I think your instincts are right.
It's tempting to pass on a cute email to a guy or call him to ask a question, but if he said he'll contact you, you're better off waiting to see if his word is any good.
If he said he'd contact you, he should contact you. Then you can ask a casual question, but even then I wouldn't ask him for his email address. What's the point? You want to go out with the guy, not send him jokes.
I'm not one of these people who believes in sitting by the phone and letting the guy call all the shots. However, I do believe that men want a prize in a woman, just as women want a prize in a man.
Don't make attempts to keep yourself on this particular guy's radar. Figure that if he's worth your time, he's going to make sure you know it.
Terry
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Eliot Spitzer Needs a Slap in the Head
You may have heard that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has been busted after being "linked" (nice euphemism, eh?) to a prostitute who charged him as much as $5,000 for a good time.
What I want to know is what kind of sexual services can one receive for $5,000? Maybe they throw in a free trip to Europe.
But I'm concerned about this knucklehead's wife, Silda Wall Spitzer, and three teenage daughters. Joye Brown of Newsday said it beautifully:
Okay, this is what I need to know:
Why does any woman--who has been betrayed in such a stupid, unimaginative way by such a sad and selfish individual -- even stand in the room with him as he makes his TV apologies?
What's in it for her, exactly? I've read suggestions that Silda Wall Spitzer may be standing by her man for the sake of her daughters, but if I ever caught my husband with a hooker, I would disappear for the sake of my daughters. I'd want to send them a different message:
Don't stick around with a schmo who goes to prostitutes.
What I want to know is what kind of sexual services can one receive for $5,000? Maybe they throw in a free trip to Europe.
But I'm concerned about this knucklehead's wife, Silda Wall Spitzer, and three teenage daughters. Joye Brown of Newsday said it beautifully:
"Tape of Spitzer's three daughters ran on television stations across the nation most of the day. And his wife, shellshocked and watery-eyed, had to stand before a bank of television cameras in very public humiliation."
Okay, this is what I need to know:
Why does any woman--who has been betrayed in such a stupid, unimaginative way by such a sad and selfish individual -- even stand in the room with him as he makes his TV apologies?
What's in it for her, exactly? I've read suggestions that Silda Wall Spitzer may be standing by her man for the sake of her daughters, but if I ever caught my husband with a hooker, I would disappear for the sake of my daughters. I'd want to send them a different message:
Don't stick around with a schmo who goes to prostitutes.
Monday, March 10, 2008
He Overcame His Fear of Intimacy
No new episode of Rock of Love 2 last night.
But I came across a wonderful "Modern Love" essay by Ben Karlin in yesterday's New York Times. Karlin is the former executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, one of my favorite shows of all time.
Karlin describes how he set out to "solve all my problems involving emotional intimacy." Read it here.
But I came across a wonderful "Modern Love" essay by Ben Karlin in yesterday's New York Times. Karlin is the former executive producer of The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, one of my favorite shows of all time.
Karlin describes how he set out to "solve all my problems involving emotional intimacy." Read it here.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Online Romeo Wastes Her Time
Dear Terry-
I am confused about something.
I corresponded with a man for a while and asked him a lot of important questions, which he answered. He made me feel like he's the one. He even told me that I could be the one, and to tell my friends that I already have a boyfriend. We met online, of course.
He seemed to have everything I was looking for in a man, but he did not plan to meet me. He said he was going to be very busy and would not be able to give his full attention to a relationship. But then he spoke to me every day for at least 3/4 hours. He is in another state now but will return to my city in a about a year and a half. He is in active duty in the airforce.
Suddenly last week he told me he is going to be deployed to the mid-East for the war. After that, he started to distance himself. So weird.... So I called four days ago about what was the matter. He told me that he is going away, and he does not to be emotionally attached since he does not know what is going to happen. So he does not want to get close or get hurt!
After than, I wrote him an email and mentioned that understand although it is disheartening. He never wrote or called me since then. I felt I deserved a phone call at least, but nothing. So I am letting go. I am very shocked and upset.
Why did he do this?
-Deserving Better
Dear Deserving:
When a person signs up for an online dating service, it's fair to assume they want to meet new people. As soon as this guy told you that he didn't want to meet you due to some lame excuse (i.e., not being able to give his full attention to a relationship), that was your cue to say goodbye and cease taking his calls.
You say he spoke to you every day for three to four hours. I have to ask you: If you truly want a relationship, why would you waste that kind of time talking to a man who refused to meet you. I don't care that he said you could be "the one." And the fact that he told you to tell your friends that you have a boyfriend is flat-out ridiculous. Not to mention presumptuous.
And you should have told him so.
You say you deserve better than this treatment, and you do. So the next time you meet a man online, spend 10 or 12 minutes on the phone with him to determine whether you have anything in common, and if you can detect any repellent habits or attitudes.
The next step is to meet him. (If he lives out-of-state, sure, you can talk to him --briefly-- on the phone once in a while, but you should keep talking to other guys, as well. Keep your options open.)
Meet him in a neutral, public place. Keep the date fun but short. Be friendly and smile, be interested in him and get to know him, but, again, keep it short. It's human nature to want a prize, so be a prize by letting him know you have a full, happy life.
Don't brag or exaggerate. Simply smile warmly and thank him for a lovely time. Then drive yourself home.
If he says he's going to call you, let him call. Do not call him. Do not text him. Do not email him. When he contacts you, be your usual interested, warm, happy self. Again, keep the call to 10 minutes.
If you miss his call, and he leaves a message, call him back. But keep it short (yes, I know I keep repeating myself). If he's truly interested in you, he will make plans to meet you again. If he doesn't make plans, please don't confuse him with someone who's worth your time.
A guy should never get the impression that you are sitting next to the phone, so go about your life as usual. Continue to meet other men until you find yourself in a real relationship with a man who doesn't waste your valuable time with a lot of hot air.
Your first clue that he's full of hot air? He tells you he's going to be "very busy," or that he can't give his full attention to a relationship. As soon as a guy says that, you say, "Next!"
Remember this: Actions speak louder than words.
Jeff Mac from Manslations offers this brilliant advice about men: "When in doubt, start by drop everything he SAID and just look at what he DID."
I am confused about something.
I corresponded with a man for a while and asked him a lot of important questions, which he answered. He made me feel like he's the one. He even told me that I could be the one, and to tell my friends that I already have a boyfriend. We met online, of course.
He seemed to have everything I was looking for in a man, but he did not plan to meet me. He said he was going to be very busy and would not be able to give his full attention to a relationship. But then he spoke to me every day for at least 3/4 hours. He is in another state now but will return to my city in a about a year and a half. He is in active duty in the airforce.
Suddenly last week he told me he is going to be deployed to the mid-East for the war. After that, he started to distance himself. So weird.... So I called four days ago about what was the matter. He told me that he is going away, and he does not to be emotionally attached since he does not know what is going to happen. So he does not want to get close or get hurt!
After than, I wrote him an email and mentioned that understand although it is disheartening. He never wrote or called me since then. I felt I deserved a phone call at least, but nothing. So I am letting go. I am very shocked and upset.
Why did he do this?
-Deserving Better
Dear Deserving:
When a person signs up for an online dating service, it's fair to assume they want to meet new people. As soon as this guy told you that he didn't want to meet you due to some lame excuse (i.e., not being able to give his full attention to a relationship), that was your cue to say goodbye and cease taking his calls.
You say he spoke to you every day for three to four hours. I have to ask you: If you truly want a relationship, why would you waste that kind of time talking to a man who refused to meet you. I don't care that he said you could be "the one." And the fact that he told you to tell your friends that you have a boyfriend is flat-out ridiculous. Not to mention presumptuous.
And you should have told him so.
You say you deserve better than this treatment, and you do. So the next time you meet a man online, spend 10 or 12 minutes on the phone with him to determine whether you have anything in common, and if you can detect any repellent habits or attitudes.
The next step is to meet him. (If he lives out-of-state, sure, you can talk to him --briefly-- on the phone once in a while, but you should keep talking to other guys, as well. Keep your options open.)
Meet him in a neutral, public place. Keep the date fun but short. Be friendly and smile, be interested in him and get to know him, but, again, keep it short. It's human nature to want a prize, so be a prize by letting him know you have a full, happy life.
Don't brag or exaggerate. Simply smile warmly and thank him for a lovely time. Then drive yourself home.
If he says he's going to call you, let him call. Do not call him. Do not text him. Do not email him. When he contacts you, be your usual interested, warm, happy self. Again, keep the call to 10 minutes.
If you miss his call, and he leaves a message, call him back. But keep it short (yes, I know I keep repeating myself). If he's truly interested in you, he will make plans to meet you again. If he doesn't make plans, please don't confuse him with someone who's worth your time.
A guy should never get the impression that you are sitting next to the phone, so go about your life as usual. Continue to meet other men until you find yourself in a real relationship with a man who doesn't waste your valuable time with a lot of hot air.
Your first clue that he's full of hot air? He tells you he's going to be "very busy," or that he can't give his full attention to a relationship. As soon as a guy says that, you say, "Next!"
Remember this: Actions speak louder than words.
Jeff Mac from Manslations offers this brilliant advice about men: "When in doubt, start by drop everything he SAID and just look at what he DID."
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
More On Picturing the End Result
Found the following quote in my inbox today from the good folks at Nightingale-Conant. I'm using it here to hammer home the previous post.
"Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor,
play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between
reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually
think about eventually will manifest in our lives."
—author Robert Collier
"Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor,
play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between
reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually
think about eventually will manifest in our lives."
—author Robert Collier
Tuesday, March 04, 2008
Picturing the End Result
Dear Terry,
I have met men who either were never into me, or when they were, I wasn't into them. The former were the charming, successful ones, and the latter, you guessed it.
Now I am desperate to be loved and get married. My younger sister has found someone, and it's really painful to see myself all alone. Please help me and tell me if this system will work for me. Please assure me that it will.
Thank you.
-K.
Hi, K-
When you mention "a system," I imagine you're referring to my ebook and audio, which women have told me has completely changed their love lives around. It certainly changed my life around.
But, like any system, it only works if you work it. I've received letters from women who've complained the book is too short, only to find out later they never did the exercises it contains and didn't listen to the audio. So it didn't work for them.
But let's talk about you and your situation.
You say you're desperate to be loved. This is the wrong way to attract a man who will love you and make you happy.
Please be glad for your younger sister that she's found someone special. In 2008, I hope we've moved beyond the idea that an older sister is some kind of failure if she's "beaten to the altar" by a younger sister.
My youngest sister married before my other sister and me, but by the time she did, I'd learned to discount (and limit my time with) people who made stupid comments about us "not getting any younger." (And we were pretty young!)
One of the things that worked for me in attracting the right man was by picturing and feeling the end result.
I'd read about basketball players who'd won games by practicing in their mind's eye instead of on the court. They'd "see" themselves making the shot. They'd "feel" the ball leaving their hands. They'd "see" the ball slipping easily through the hoop. They'd "hear" the roar of the crowd.
I decided to use this method to lose weight. I "saw" myself thin in the mirror, "felt" myself slipping into a small dress, I'd "hear" people telling me how good I looked.
It worked.
I later used the method when I was ready to attract the right man. A lot of my friends were getting married, my sister was getting married. I'd attracted similar guys to the ones you describe, and I'd come to realize that my own ambivalence about relationships caused this.
I rightly figured that, on some level, marriage and relationships scared me. I set out to find out what scared me, and I faced those fears. By figuring out what I did not want in a marriage, I could easily see what I did want. And then I "saw" myself in such a marriage with the right man man, "felt" myself with him, "heard" him, and so on. I came to believe that I was actually in a relationship with such a person, and it came to pass.
This method works because you're operating from faith and expectation. You're not acting from desperation.
Desperation always brings bad results, whether you're looking for a new house, a job, a friend, or a partner. Not only will you attract substandard circumstances, you'll likely settle for them. So choose the opposite path.
I do recommend you limit exposure to so-called friends who suggest you're a failure because you've yet to hook a live one. Write a list of your best qualities and refer to it often. Always look your best. Remind yourself that you have much to offer. You should never settle for a man who's less than you deserve just to get gossips off your back.
I have met men who either were never into me, or when they were, I wasn't into them. The former were the charming, successful ones, and the latter, you guessed it.
Now I am desperate to be loved and get married. My younger sister has found someone, and it's really painful to see myself all alone. Please help me and tell me if this system will work for me. Please assure me that it will.
Thank you.
-K.
Hi, K-
When you mention "a system," I imagine you're referring to my ebook and audio, which women have told me has completely changed their love lives around. It certainly changed my life around.
But, like any system, it only works if you work it. I've received letters from women who've complained the book is too short, only to find out later they never did the exercises it contains and didn't listen to the audio. So it didn't work for them.
But let's talk about you and your situation.
You say you're desperate to be loved. This is the wrong way to attract a man who will love you and make you happy.
Please be glad for your younger sister that she's found someone special. In 2008, I hope we've moved beyond the idea that an older sister is some kind of failure if she's "beaten to the altar" by a younger sister.
My youngest sister married before my other sister and me, but by the time she did, I'd learned to discount (and limit my time with) people who made stupid comments about us "not getting any younger." (And we were pretty young!)
One of the things that worked for me in attracting the right man was by picturing and feeling the end result.
I'd read about basketball players who'd won games by practicing in their mind's eye instead of on the court. They'd "see" themselves making the shot. They'd "feel" the ball leaving their hands. They'd "see" the ball slipping easily through the hoop. They'd "hear" the roar of the crowd.
I decided to use this method to lose weight. I "saw" myself thin in the mirror, "felt" myself slipping into a small dress, I'd "hear" people telling me how good I looked.
It worked.
I later used the method when I was ready to attract the right man. A lot of my friends were getting married, my sister was getting married. I'd attracted similar guys to the ones you describe, and I'd come to realize that my own ambivalence about relationships caused this.
I rightly figured that, on some level, marriage and relationships scared me. I set out to find out what scared me, and I faced those fears. By figuring out what I did not want in a marriage, I could easily see what I did want. And then I "saw" myself in such a marriage with the right man man, "felt" myself with him, "heard" him, and so on. I came to believe that I was actually in a relationship with such a person, and it came to pass.
This method works because you're operating from faith and expectation. You're not acting from desperation.
Desperation always brings bad results, whether you're looking for a new house, a job, a friend, or a partner. Not only will you attract substandard circumstances, you'll likely settle for them. So choose the opposite path.
I do recommend you limit exposure to so-called friends who suggest you're a failure because you've yet to hook a live one. Write a list of your best qualities and refer to it often. Always look your best. Remind yourself that you have much to offer. You should never settle for a man who's less than you deserve just to get gossips off your back.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Bret Michaels Plays the Hapless Victim
Rock of Love 2 is so sad I can barely force myself to watch it anymore.
I fell asleep during both broadcasts of the latest episode last night, so here I am in front of the TV for a third time, trying to wrap my brain around it.
For those of you who are just joining us, a dwindling group of scantily clad women is competing on national television for the affections of a has-been rock musician. Every week, the show's producers come up with fresh ideas for competitions to humiliate the women.
This episode's victorious duo entertained vets by reciting the Preamble to the Constitution while wiggling inside hula-hoops. Of course, they wore bikinis. To start their act, they gave each other a good slap on the rump with American flags. Now, that's taking patriotism to a new level.
Because women serve in the US military, the audience did contain a good number of females, some of whom laughed self-consciously. Others just looked horrified.
Afterwards, Bret, who has moved beyond covering his fat head with a bandana and now wears a hat on top of a bandana, sat down for dinner with his Ladies of Low Self-Esteem. He threw out a question: "In your opinion, which of the other girls is here for the wrong reason." Not wanting to betray another contestant, a couple of LSEs skirted the question.
Bret got angry. He demanded answers.
He maintained that he had to know who was in it for real (uh, like he's even in it for real), but clearly the guy was pushing for a fight.
Eventually, Ambre pointed her finger at Kristy Joe. Curses flew. Bret threw his napkin down and left the table. Later in the show, he claimed to be "physically and emotionally exhausted."
What a cretin.
I'm waiting for these women to smarten up and tell this guy to take a flying leap. Now there would be a drama I could stay awake to watch.
I fell asleep during both broadcasts of the latest episode last night, so here I am in front of the TV for a third time, trying to wrap my brain around it.
For those of you who are just joining us, a dwindling group of scantily clad women is competing on national television for the affections of a has-been rock musician. Every week, the show's producers come up with fresh ideas for competitions to humiliate the women.
This episode's victorious duo entertained vets by reciting the Preamble to the Constitution while wiggling inside hula-hoops. Of course, they wore bikinis. To start their act, they gave each other a good slap on the rump with American flags. Now, that's taking patriotism to a new level.
Because women serve in the US military, the audience did contain a good number of females, some of whom laughed self-consciously. Others just looked horrified.
Afterwards, Bret, who has moved beyond covering his fat head with a bandana and now wears a hat on top of a bandana, sat down for dinner with his Ladies of Low Self-Esteem. He threw out a question: "In your opinion, which of the other girls is here for the wrong reason." Not wanting to betray another contestant, a couple of LSEs skirted the question.
Bret got angry. He demanded answers.
He maintained that he had to know who was in it for real (uh, like he's even in it for real), but clearly the guy was pushing for a fight.
Eventually, Ambre pointed her finger at Kristy Joe. Curses flew. Bret threw his napkin down and left the table. Later in the show, he claimed to be "physically and emotionally exhausted."
What a cretin.
I'm waiting for these women to smarten up and tell this guy to take a flying leap. Now there would be a drama I could stay awake to watch.
Life Keeps Getting Better
We've all heard the garbage about a woman over age 35 meeting a decent man being about as likely as her dying in a plane crash. Yesterday, I met yet another woman who defied that nonsense.
She's 53, positive-minded, active, and an enthusiastic newlywed, but she could have been a real sad sack. She had plenty of cause to feel sorry for herself. In April 2007 (11 months ago), she was hit by a car and told she would ever walk again. Doctors said they'd have to amputate her right foot.
She refused to believe them. Call it faith in God, call it the Law of Attraction, call it whatever you want: She determined that a power mightier than modern medicine created her and would heal her foot. She would walk again.
Do I need to tell you that she did not lose her foot? That she was walking fluidly-- without a limp -- 11 months later? Now, I can't say what her foot looks like under the sleek high-heeled boot she wore; she did say it's been fortified with pins.
But whatever it looks like, it's not stopping her. As I said, she's newly married and clearly enjoying life. I wish I'd had the chance to ask her about her new husband, especially how she met him.
My guess is she did it the same way she healed her foot. She surely wouldn't be the first person who succeeded in meeting the man of her dreams this way. Click here to learn how another woman did it.
She's 53, positive-minded, active, and an enthusiastic newlywed, but she could have been a real sad sack. She had plenty of cause to feel sorry for herself. In April 2007 (11 months ago), she was hit by a car and told she would ever walk again. Doctors said they'd have to amputate her right foot.
She refused to believe them. Call it faith in God, call it the Law of Attraction, call it whatever you want: She determined that a power mightier than modern medicine created her and would heal her foot. She would walk again.
Do I need to tell you that she did not lose her foot? That she was walking fluidly-- without a limp -- 11 months later? Now, I can't say what her foot looks like under the sleek high-heeled boot she wore; she did say it's been fortified with pins.
But whatever it looks like, it's not stopping her. As I said, she's newly married and clearly enjoying life. I wish I'd had the chance to ask her about her new husband, especially how she met him.
My guess is she did it the same way she healed her foot. She surely wouldn't be the first person who succeeded in meeting the man of her dreams this way. Click here to learn how another woman did it.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
More About Settling for Mr. Good Enough
Hi Terry,
I picked up a magazine this weekend called The Atlantic. I never heard of it before, but there were a few articles on the front cover that got my attention; namely, an article called "Marry Him -The Case of Settling for Mr. Good Enough" - pg. 76. I would love to hear your feedback/point of view of this article. If I had your writing ability (maybe I do, but not the balls to blog about it maybe?), I would write about it. I have never heard anything like it. Very interesting. If you don't get the magazine where you are try www.theatlantic.com perhaps.
I really do hope you get a chance to read it and blog about it. I love your blogs.
Take care and have a great week!
-Curious
Dear Curious:
Thanks for writing.
I haven't read the article, but I did see its author being interviewed about it on the Today Show. (View the clip here.)
While I don't believe in settling for a guy who doesn't make you happy, let me start by saying nobody --not me, not you, or any man on the planet -- is perfect. So, at some point, we all have to settle on some points. The question is, how much will you settle?
For example:
Some women and men want to start families before they reach a certain age. They meet a person with the same priorities. They may not be passionately in love with this person, but they marry to achieve their primary goal, which is to have children.
Did this couple settle?
Well, not really. Their goal was to buy a house and raise children, not to fall madly in love and walk into the sunset together. They went into the marriage with a certain set of expectations, and they probably aren't going to be disappointed (unless one of them does eventually fall in love -- with someone else -- and leaves the marriage).
When we talk about settling, it helps to consider priorities.
Some people are less concerned about having children. These women and men want to fall in love. They want someone they can take care of, who'll take care of them. They want a Number One. They want to be a Number One.
In this case, it is settling if they marry a person who a) is still in love with someone else, b) mentally undresses individuals of the opposite sex at family weddings, or c) just wants to get married to have kids.
About children: If you do go the "walk into the sunset" route, know that children will change things, if you let them. They can't help but try to take over your life. If you want your marriage to remain exciting, it's important to do what it takes to keep it that way. But you have to marry a man who's also willing to do what it takes to keep it that way. Such men do exist.
Before you marry anybody, find out if the guy a) wants children, and b) how he would react if you learned you couldn't have them (unfortunately, this happens to couples every single day).
Find out how he feels about his responsibilities as a father and yours as a mother. Find out if he'd expect you to undergo procedures if you were to have difficulty getting or staying pregnant. Find out how he feels about adoption.
No need to interrogate the guy under a lightbulb here, but it's important to discuss these things if before you bind yourself legally to him.
If a happy marriage is your top priority (as opposed to a marriage as a means to having children), you settle if you marry a man who doesn't feel as you do. For me, marriage is the foundation of a family. The children are a product of it, not the reason for it.
Other have a right to feel differently, and they do. When it comes to "settling," determine what you want out of a relationship. Aim to marry a man with the same priorities. Proceed accordingly.
I picked up a magazine this weekend called The Atlantic. I never heard of it before, but there were a few articles on the front cover that got my attention; namely, an article called "Marry Him -The Case of Settling for Mr. Good Enough" - pg. 76. I would love to hear your feedback/point of view of this article. If I had your writing ability (maybe I do, but not the balls to blog about it maybe?), I would write about it. I have never heard anything like it. Very interesting. If you don't get the magazine where you are try www.theatlantic.com perhaps.
I really do hope you get a chance to read it and blog about it. I love your blogs.
Take care and have a great week!
-Curious
Dear Curious:
Thanks for writing.
I haven't read the article, but I did see its author being interviewed about it on the Today Show. (View the clip here.)
While I don't believe in settling for a guy who doesn't make you happy, let me start by saying nobody --not me, not you, or any man on the planet -- is perfect. So, at some point, we all have to settle on some points. The question is, how much will you settle?
For example:
Some women and men want to start families before they reach a certain age. They meet a person with the same priorities. They may not be passionately in love with this person, but they marry to achieve their primary goal, which is to have children.
Did this couple settle?
Well, not really. Their goal was to buy a house and raise children, not to fall madly in love and walk into the sunset together. They went into the marriage with a certain set of expectations, and they probably aren't going to be disappointed (unless one of them does eventually fall in love -- with someone else -- and leaves the marriage).
When we talk about settling, it helps to consider priorities.
Some people are less concerned about having children. These women and men want to fall in love. They want someone they can take care of, who'll take care of them. They want a Number One. They want to be a Number One.
In this case, it is settling if they marry a person who a) is still in love with someone else, b) mentally undresses individuals of the opposite sex at family weddings, or c) just wants to get married to have kids.
About children: If you do go the "walk into the sunset" route, know that children will change things, if you let them. They can't help but try to take over your life. If you want your marriage to remain exciting, it's important to do what it takes to keep it that way. But you have to marry a man who's also willing to do what it takes to keep it that way. Such men do exist.
Before you marry anybody, find out if the guy a) wants children, and b) how he would react if you learned you couldn't have them (unfortunately, this happens to couples every single day).
Find out how he feels about his responsibilities as a father and yours as a mother. Find out if he'd expect you to undergo procedures if you were to have difficulty getting or staying pregnant. Find out how he feels about adoption.
No need to interrogate the guy under a lightbulb here, but it's important to discuss these things if before you bind yourself legally to him.
If a happy marriage is your top priority (as opposed to a marriage as a means to having children), you settle if you marry a man who doesn't feel as you do. For me, marriage is the foundation of a family. The children are a product of it, not the reason for it.
Other have a right to feel differently, and they do. When it comes to "settling," determine what you want out of a relationship. Aim to marry a man with the same priorities. Proceed accordingly.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
She Changed Her Thinking and Attracted a Good Man
When I opened this email the other day, it brought tears to my eyes. It's from a woman who used to settle for less than she deserved in relationships. I'm reprinting it here in case you're in a similar spot and searching for encouragement.
Thank you, C., for writing and sharing your inspiring story.
Hi, Terry:
I've met a lovely guy who lives nine miles away from me. He's kind, understanding, not too talky, great sense of humour. Looks a bit like a celebrity.
The *next man list* I made out which had about 100 qualities on it seems to have more ticked off it each time I meet him. He doesn't have a string of girlfriends, children, or an ex wife. Last night on about date 4, I discovered another favourite thing of mine, he has a hairy broad muscular chest. None of my friends can believe in this day and age I've met a single 40 year old man.
As I'm 5'10", I wanted a tall man, he's over 6ft. Of course, being well armed with knowledge from your information, I'm pacing it, he's ringing and can't get enough. It's empowering and I'm coming from a more balanced relaxed place. Because he's the only one ringing, no matter how many days go between, I know where I stand with him. If he tries anything slightly disrespectful, like trying to see me with no advance planning, he doesn't get away with it. In fact he didn't get to see me Valentine's Day because he didn't give me enough notice. That taught him a good lesson!!! He really upped his game after that.
You know the trouble I had with my previous 4 years on/off relationship, and the heartache I went through with upsets and unpredictability, me being the underdog. For over a year I read all your advice, would move on, and then keep going back to him. All my friends told me I looked (and I was) miserable. Yet when I finally let go of that rollercoaster relationship, and was totally honest about how dreadfully he was treating me, my life opened out.
Good things started to happen, instead of ever-decreasing circles, I began to find my world expanding and my confidence increasing. And I thank God since the breakup in January I've had none of the previous heartbreak associated with my ex.
I started making a list of what I wanted in a man and relationship about a year ago during yet another breakup. This year 2008, I really began to believe that when I let go of my ex, I would meet the new man on my list.
These are all difficult things to do when you listen to popular thinking like, a woman over 40 has only 1% chance of getting married, there are no good men left, coupled with fear of not meeting anyone again, men wanting younger women etc. Anyway, thanks for all the strong advice on how not to just settle, how to be my best feminine self, how to put myself first. The overall change in thinking didn't happen immediately but now it's becoming second nature.
Even if things don't work out with this new man, I KNOW there are plenty of fish in the sea and there is a perfect man for me out there. It's almost unnerving how many of the qualities in my list this new man has, and look at how soon I've met him. Last Saturday he said he has seen me before over the past few years, but hadn't the courage to ask me out. So as soon as I moved on from the going nowhere scenario, he appeared "as if by magic."
I hope stories like this encourage you to keep helping women, because there are a lot of women who really need to turn their thinking around. If you consistently hear a message with a truth in it, it will change your life.
My friend, who had lived a crazy life, taking speed and clubbing, has totally changed this year too. She says I've had an incredible influence on her. This past weekend she has had two men courting her attention, after years of being Miss-brought-home-from-the-nightout (never brought out)!
Another friend, who is 56, has ended a doormat type of relationship of 20 years since seeing the changes in me and my attitude about how I was too good for the lies, using and crap my ex doled out to me. She was living with this player type guy who golfed with my ex, even after 20 years with her, he wouldn't divorce his ex-wife or introduce her to his brothers and sisters! So you see, Terry, these are very positive knock-on effects in real lives you are having, and I really, really wanted you to know that :)
Thank you so much for all your time, for your dedication to improving women's self respect and their enjoyment of the wonder of their lives. Thank you for taking time to respond to me personally when I felt I was so confused and felt I was worth nothing. Take five minutes to appreciate some things happening on the other side of the world which are significantly better because of you.
XXXXXXXXXX
-C.
Thank you, C., for writing and sharing your inspiring story.
Hi, Terry:
I've met a lovely guy who lives nine miles away from me. He's kind, understanding, not too talky, great sense of humour. Looks a bit like a celebrity.
The *next man list* I made out which had about 100 qualities on it seems to have more ticked off it each time I meet him. He doesn't have a string of girlfriends, children, or an ex wife. Last night on about date 4, I discovered another favourite thing of mine, he has a hairy broad muscular chest. None of my friends can believe in this day and age I've met a single 40 year old man.
As I'm 5'10", I wanted a tall man, he's over 6ft. Of course, being well armed with knowledge from your information, I'm pacing it, he's ringing and can't get enough. It's empowering and I'm coming from a more balanced relaxed place. Because he's the only one ringing, no matter how many days go between, I know where I stand with him. If he tries anything slightly disrespectful, like trying to see me with no advance planning, he doesn't get away with it. In fact he didn't get to see me Valentine's Day because he didn't give me enough notice. That taught him a good lesson!!! He really upped his game after that.
You know the trouble I had with my previous 4 years on/off relationship, and the heartache I went through with upsets and unpredictability, me being the underdog. For over a year I read all your advice, would move on, and then keep going back to him. All my friends told me I looked (and I was) miserable. Yet when I finally let go of that rollercoaster relationship, and was totally honest about how dreadfully he was treating me, my life opened out.
Good things started to happen, instead of ever-decreasing circles, I began to find my world expanding and my confidence increasing. And I thank God since the breakup in January I've had none of the previous heartbreak associated with my ex.
I started making a list of what I wanted in a man and relationship about a year ago during yet another breakup. This year 2008, I really began to believe that when I let go of my ex, I would meet the new man on my list.
These are all difficult things to do when you listen to popular thinking like, a woman over 40 has only 1% chance of getting married, there are no good men left, coupled with fear of not meeting anyone again, men wanting younger women etc. Anyway, thanks for all the strong advice on how not to just settle, how to be my best feminine self, how to put myself first. The overall change in thinking didn't happen immediately but now it's becoming second nature.
Even if things don't work out with this new man, I KNOW there are plenty of fish in the sea and there is a perfect man for me out there. It's almost unnerving how many of the qualities in my list this new man has, and look at how soon I've met him. Last Saturday he said he has seen me before over the past few years, but hadn't the courage to ask me out. So as soon as I moved on from the going nowhere scenario, he appeared "as if by magic."
I hope stories like this encourage you to keep helping women, because there are a lot of women who really need to turn their thinking around. If you consistently hear a message with a truth in it, it will change your life.
My friend, who had lived a crazy life, taking speed and clubbing, has totally changed this year too. She says I've had an incredible influence on her. This past weekend she has had two men courting her attention, after years of being Miss-brought-home-from-the-nightout (never brought out)!
Another friend, who is 56, has ended a doormat type of relationship of 20 years since seeing the changes in me and my attitude about how I was too good for the lies, using and crap my ex doled out to me. She was living with this player type guy who golfed with my ex, even after 20 years with her, he wouldn't divorce his ex-wife or introduce her to his brothers and sisters! So you see, Terry, these are very positive knock-on effects in real lives you are having, and I really, really wanted you to know that :)
Thank you so much for all your time, for your dedication to improving women's self respect and their enjoyment of the wonder of their lives. Thank you for taking time to respond to me personally when I felt I was so confused and felt I was worth nothing. Take five minutes to appreciate some things happening on the other side of the world which are significantly better because of you.
XXXXXXXXXX
-C.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Getting Down in the Mud for Love
Last night, on Rock of Love 2, our vinyl-haired hero, Bret Michaels, presided over a rodeo.
The women contending for the grand prize of his love lassoed fake cattle and rode real horses, before the piece de resistance: getting down in the mud to wrestle bandanas off a passel of greased pigs.
Yee-hah.
After last week's episode, in which the Women of Low Self-Esteem were forced to battle each other -- barely dressed -- in a football game complicated by wind, rain, snow, and mud, I concluded that Bret really likes mud.
After last night's episode, we can safely conclude something else: He doesn't really like women.
The "winners" of this week's rodeo got to go on a date with him in some gimmick restaurant, where it was intentionally so dark Bret and the lasses had to form a congo line behind the maitre 'd to find their table. They couldn't see each other, let alone their food.
Nice date.
I don't know about you, but I like to see what I'm eating. If you've ever had the misfortune to find a hair in your salad at a 4-star restaurant, you know what I'm talking about.
But Bret's a happenin' guy. He likes to live on the edge.
Now, while he and the LSEs, Ambre, Kristy Joe, and Destiney (I think it was Destiney, anyway) couldn't see each other, technology allowed us in TV Land to see everything. Between gobbles of whatever was put in front of him, Bret (who possesses the table manners of a donkey) swapped saliva with Kristy Joe, unbeknownst to the other LSEs.
Eventually, Kristy Joe excused herself to go to the bathroom. Ambre identified herself and moved in, meeting no resistance from Bret. When it comes to sticking things in his mouth, our hero never discriminates.
Later on in the show, Bret eliminated Catherine, the "old" girl, who has been on the planet months longer than he has; and Peyton, the rocker girl he says he likes as a friend.
That leaves Bret with a bunch of kids who don't know a booby-prize when they see it, and Kristy Joe, the woman with restraining orders against her former and current husbands.
On another channel, in another universe, Jon Stewart made me laugh while hosting the Oscars.
The women contending for the grand prize of his love lassoed fake cattle and rode real horses, before the piece de resistance: getting down in the mud to wrestle bandanas off a passel of greased pigs.
Yee-hah.
After last week's episode, in which the Women of Low Self-Esteem were forced to battle each other -- barely dressed -- in a football game complicated by wind, rain, snow, and mud, I concluded that Bret really likes mud.
After last night's episode, we can safely conclude something else: He doesn't really like women.
The "winners" of this week's rodeo got to go on a date with him in some gimmick restaurant, where it was intentionally so dark Bret and the lasses had to form a congo line behind the maitre 'd to find their table. They couldn't see each other, let alone their food.
Nice date.
I don't know about you, but I like to see what I'm eating. If you've ever had the misfortune to find a hair in your salad at a 4-star restaurant, you know what I'm talking about.
But Bret's a happenin' guy. He likes to live on the edge.
Now, while he and the LSEs, Ambre, Kristy Joe, and Destiney (I think it was Destiney, anyway) couldn't see each other, technology allowed us in TV Land to see everything. Between gobbles of whatever was put in front of him, Bret (who possesses the table manners of a donkey) swapped saliva with Kristy Joe, unbeknownst to the other LSEs.
Eventually, Kristy Joe excused herself to go to the bathroom. Ambre identified herself and moved in, meeting no resistance from Bret. When it comes to sticking things in his mouth, our hero never discriminates.
Later on in the show, Bret eliminated Catherine, the "old" girl, who has been on the planet months longer than he has; and Peyton, the rocker girl he says he likes as a friend.
That leaves Bret with a bunch of kids who don't know a booby-prize when they see it, and Kristy Joe, the woman with restraining orders against her former and current husbands.
On another channel, in another universe, Jon Stewart made me laugh while hosting the Oscars.
Friday, February 22, 2008
How to Tell if He Likes You (Really)
Reading a guy's body language can be helpful (and entertaining) in the very beginning, but trying to read a guy's mind is a different story.
Don't do it.
If he says he'll call and doesn't, don't waste a single minute wondering why. If he says he likes you and then disappears, he's not worth your time. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, and then sticks his tongue in your mouth, he's not conflicted about his feelings.
He's a creep.
A man worth dating matches his words with his actions. If you're lying awake fretting about what he meant when he said one thing but did another, you're losing good sleep over a big fat zero.
You don't need any guy that badly.
If you're going to get involved with a man, he should never leave you in doubt about his feelings. He will value you. More important, you'll know it. If he says he'll call, he'll call. If he's going to be late, he'll apologize. If he wants a relationship, he'll say so. He won't chance losing a good thing.
But, you're thinking, maybe he's shy. Maybe he doesn't know how to express his feelings.
Shy men exist, sure, but by the time a man is an adult, he can usually figure out how to get what he wants. If he wants a promotion, he goes for it. If he wants a new pair of shoes, he goes out and buys them. If he wants a sandwich, he makes it.
If he wants to get to know a particular woman, he makes it happen.
And if he can't manage that much, do yourself a favor. Forget him. Hold out for a better man.
Don't do it.
If he says he'll call and doesn't, don't waste a single minute wondering why. If he says he likes you and then disappears, he's not worth your time. If he says he doesn't want a relationship, and then sticks his tongue in your mouth, he's not conflicted about his feelings.
He's a creep.
A man worth dating matches his words with his actions. If you're lying awake fretting about what he meant when he said one thing but did another, you're losing good sleep over a big fat zero.
You don't need any guy that badly.
If you're going to get involved with a man, he should never leave you in doubt about his feelings. He will value you. More important, you'll know it. If he says he'll call, he'll call. If he's going to be late, he'll apologize. If he wants a relationship, he'll say so. He won't chance losing a good thing.
But, you're thinking, maybe he's shy. Maybe he doesn't know how to express his feelings.
Shy men exist, sure, but by the time a man is an adult, he can usually figure out how to get what he wants. If he wants a promotion, he goes for it. If he wants a new pair of shoes, he goes out and buys them. If he wants a sandwich, he makes it.
If he wants to get to know a particular woman, he makes it happen.
And if he can't manage that much, do yourself a favor. Forget him. Hold out for a better man.
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