Your Internet Profile

Yesterday, I detailed one woman's success with eHarmony. It's a controversial subject because apparently results vary widely; this woman's own sister tried the service and ended up disappointed.

I asked the satisfied woman, who met her fiance through eHarmony, why she thought the outcomes were so different for her and her sister.

She explained, "I'm happy by myself and with myself. When you have that, men are attracted to you. My sister was coming from a place of lack -- 'I have to find a man.' She's negative and needy. It turns people off."

Okay, I can see why her sister turned men off, but it didn't explain why perfectly attractive, seemingly happy women end up getting a series of lackluster matches from online dating services.

If you've been reading me for a while, you know that I believe in my soul that happiness and self-esteem are crucial in attracting the right man -- and in recognizing the bad ones in an instant.

But I'm baffled when women who have these qualities put themselves online, only to net one rotten fish after another.

And then I remembered my own similar experience.

After I'd decided I'd finished dating losers, schmoozers, and No-Show Joes, I placed my first and only personal ad. I kept it short and to the point: "Sincere, loyal, fun woman looking for sincere, loyal, fun man for possible relationship."

I got lots of responses. I met each of the respondents for drinks in the TGIF near my office in Manhattan. Most of the guys seemed nice enough (except the dude who asked why I was desperate enough to place a personal ad, begging me to ask why he'd been desperate enough to answer it). But none of them rated a second date.

I started to get discouraged.

Then I remembered something I'd read in one of the numerous self-help books I devoured at the time, something to the effect of what writer Somerset Maugham once said, "It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it."

I'd read that if you put what you want "out there," the universe would respond. And if you refused to take less than what you wanted, the universe would do better.

After meeting a series of these Mr. Not-For-Mes, I made the decision not to date again until someone worth dating showed himself. In the meantime, I kept visualizing the right relationship, feeling it, acting "as if." I continued getting out of the house and meeting my friends. At that point I had no expectation of meeting anybody, but the relationship remained alive in my head.

After a while, the sister-in-law of a friend started bringing her brother around. The guy was good-looking, fun-oriented, success-minded. The sister-in-law suggested I go out with him. "He'll treat you like gold," she said. At that point, I was ready to date someone who would treat me like gold.

And he did.

At first I was crazy about him. We had fun and shared some similar interests. After a few months together, though, he exaggerated to friends the details of a situation I'd witnessed, and I lost respect for him. I fell into a funk about it; my "perfect" relationship had come to nothing. But, driving home one night, I had the eery (and accurate) feeling that the relationship was a dress rehearsal for something much bigger.

I broke up with him. I continued visualizing, affirming, the whole bit. Even though I didn't have any concrete reason to continue doing any of it, I felt something shifting. I knew that what I was looking for was also looking for me.

And that's when it found me.

I didn't meet my husband through the personal ad. I met him in a bar (no, he's not an alcoholic; he doesn't even drink). I wasn't scoping the place for talent when I met him; I was pretty much minding my own business, sitting with friends I wanted to spend time with.

If Internet dating hasn't paid off for you, it may be the vibe you're giving off, or it may not. If you're happy, confident, and --this is critical --clear about wanting a relationship, and you still haven't met the right guy, I believe in my soul that you will meet him eventually.

I believe he's out there.

It may be while you're waiting on line at the post office. It may be in a bar. It may be in the gift shop at a hospital. But I believe that you will meet him.

In the end, though, it doesn't really matter what I believe. What matters is what you believe.

What do you believe?

She Met the Right Man Through eHarmony

I'm not an employee or stockholder or affiliate of eHarmony, but I'm intrigued by their "personality profile" approach to matchmaking. My friend, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, maintains that no man in his right mind is going to submit himself to answering the numerous questions the company requires. A lot of her clients back her up on this.

At a party over the weekend, though, I spoke with the well-traveled and successful owner of a Manhattan company who met her fiance through eHarmony. Obviously, she felt differently about the service. She said she'd used other online services, too, but the matches she got through them wanted casual fun instead of serious fun (in fairness to eHarmony's competitors, I do know a couple of people who met through them and eventually married). She believes that men who want relationships will invest time in answering questions that improve their odds of meeting the right woman.

I asked her if eHarmony supplied her with an adequate supply of eligible bachelors. I wanted to know if she considered them quality matches, as opposed to a bunch of losers. She said that the company had indeed supplied a number of good matches, all of whom she spent considerable time on the phone with before making coffee dates. The one exception was a high school principal in upstate New York she said she really wanted to meet. Ultimately, she decided against it; she figured a high school principal would be pretty invested in his town, and she has no intention of leaving Manhattan.

She concedes that not everybody she knows has been as succesful as she with eHarmony, though. A relative of hers ended up disappointed. I'll be back with that part of the story tomorrow.

She Knows What She Wants in a Man

In my post of January 2, Meet Better Men in 2008, I recommended that women write and keep a list of the qualities they want in a guy. One reader took me up on it and sent me what she came up with:

"Great sense of humor…Kind…Loves his job… he is his own boss…didn’t sell his soul to the man…Honest… Into Wellness…Fit…Athletic but not a jock…Hike bike tennis all around athletic but not obsessed…Easy going…Intelligent but not a brainiac…Never stuffy…Treats everyone with respect and compassion. Never snubs people…Doesn’t want any new offspring…Soft hearted…Big into relaxing and taking a hiatus from phone, TV, cell, laptop etc...Not a big political guy but knowledgeable…not a perfectionist…Handy, do it yourselfer…Fetish free…Eyes like Jim F…Wrinkly eye smiley face…Affectionate…Good Hugger…5 o’clock shadow…physique like Barry, Robbie, Drew…good dresser…appreciates the arts, music, musician…guitar, piano, sings, reads music…good cook…into food but not snobby…more like mark BITTMAN and naked chef…not at all effeminate by any stretch of the imagination…likes to go out to restaurants…knows wine but not in a snobby way…not a momma’s boy…not a washerwoman…helpful…energetic…laid back…not hyper…makes me laugh…makes me blush….makes me feel safe…makes me feel attractive….loves God…knows scripture…Christ-like lifestyle and approach…not an annoying pompous type church dude…good host, entertainer…nice home…unfettered by past relationships…likes dogs…not a cat guy…not status conscious…well read and nice handwriting…good with words…into green living…loves NYC…Knows NYC…GETS NYC…geographically available…neat and clean but not OCD about it…lots of good friendships…loving family…exceptionally kind to wait staff etc…thinks my kids rock…can handle being friends first…but when I am ready won’t budge from this point in his life until I agree to come along for the ride…gets me…multi-faceted…confident..empowered…empowering…a big motivator…encourager…great friend to get clarity from…lives a balanced, harmonious existence…never tries to give me something I don’t want…never tries to tell me what I want after I just expressed what I wanted…joyful...optimistic...peacemaker...likes the beach all year round...no agenda...not meticulous or fussy in any way...."

Will she get everything on her list? Probably not; maybe she'll have to accept less than good handwriting. None of us is perfect. But the fact that she's determined what she wants means she'll recognize the right guy when he comes along. It also dramatically increases the likelihood that he will indeed come around.

Rock of Love, Part Deux

The last season of Rock of Love starring sad boy Poison frontman, Bret Michaels, struck me as sickly hilarious, the collision of a woefully insecure man and a passel of woefully insecure young women. I tuned in for every episode.

But now Bret is back, professing to be on the hunt for true love (or for a decent pole dancer, anyway) once again. I felt sorry for the poor women who felt low enough to dupe themselves into this humiliating mess last time around, but this time I feel even sorrier for Bret. He opened last night's Rock of Love II by claiming to be 40 years old, which he isn't.

He's really 44.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. But it's pathetic when a man runs from his age, when he wear layers of pancake makeup and eyeliner, and a bandana that probably conceals baldness (note to Bret: Baldness is a sign of masculinity, Pal. Don't hide it). It's tragic when a man who should know better throws himself into another pool of Kristy Joes, Ambres, and Destineys to prove he's still a hot commodity.

Most of the women he discarded last season have landed on their feet, I imagine. But I have to wonder what's going to become of Bret Michaels

I sure hope he's saving his money.

Reuniting With an Old Love

"Who hasn't Googled an ex?" asks the February 2008 issue of More, which features 44-year-old actress Vanessa Williams on its cover.

I really like More. While it's geared fabulous females over 40, I recommend younger women read it, too. The financial tips definitely help, and the stories about accomplished, attractive women are inspiring.

This month, I loved the profiles of four women who married high school and childhood sweethearts decades after life took them in different directions.

The issue contains excellent dating advice, too, in an interview with experts Leslie Oren and Allison Armstrong. Here's my favorite nugget: "Include your deal breakers in a[n online] profile. Women ask, 'On which date do I tell him that I have a son? The third? The fourth?' [Armstrong] says, 'Are you kidding? You tell him on the phone before you agree to have coffee.'"

As I write this, the More website is temporarily down for maintenance, but check this link later for an interesting perspective on dating men who are not quite as accomplished as you.

Getting Married For the Right Reasons

Since the day we learn to climb out of our cribs, women are socialized to want to get married. We're sold the fairy tale of being princess for a day and riding off into the sunset with our very own Prince Charming.

But a lot of time Prince Charming doesn't figure much into the tale. Case in point: On Tuesday, I met a business associate for lunch. We're friends, but we talked mainly about business. At a neighboring table, an attractive woman in her early 30s sat with a business colleague and talked non-stop about the wedding she's planning.

I tried to tune her out, but she talked pretty loudly. I heard every detail about the selection of her dress, the church, the reception hall, and even the cake. She went on and on about it. The other woman couldn't get a word in edgewise, and I noticed that after a while, she didn't even try.

My friend got up to use the Ladies' Room, while the bride-to-be continued droning on about The Biggest Day in Her Life. It occurred to me that she'd neglected to mention one particular detail: the Groom.

She never uttered a word about him.

Eventually, she and her colleague did get around to discussing business. The bride's posture changed. Her shoulders rounded; clearly, work really didn't interest her. And why should it? She had The Biggest Day of Her Life on her mind.

(It made me wonder if her fiance sits around business lunches boring colleagues with plans for their wedding. Even if he is heart-stoppingly besotted with his future wife, I doubt it.)

I have a good friend who fell into this Biggest Day of a Girl's Life trap. She listed precise requirements for an engagement ring, she picked her wedding dress out of a shop window after three dates with her husband, and she spent our nights out with the girls talking ad nauseum about her ideas for a suitable reception location.

Some of had to duck into the bathroom to manage conversations about something other than this girl's Big Day, which eventually came and went in the space of about eight hours. She had a hell of a wedding, I'll give her that. She hired a killer band that did Sinatra as well as Led Zeppelin ("A Whole Lotta Love" brought down the house), and authentic Italian food. As far as weddings go, it was great.

But the marriage? Not so much.

She and her husband fight constantly. Other than the kids, they have nothing in common. He calls her names. She tries to get him to help out with the house. He avoids coming home. She's dying to get out with her friends. And, although she reached her goal to walk up the aisle with a 22-inch waistline, she's put on weight over the years. Prince Charming has been known to be pretty rough about it.

She's not the first female who got sucked into the wedding fantasy before looking closely enough at the man she'd be going home with. I hope the woman I'd overheard at lunch the other day isn't making the same mistake.

Despite all the planning, a wedding amounts to a single day in a person's life. That's it. A wedding may be fun, but a bad marriage is hell. Know what you're getting. Make sure that you want it.

Seen In Yesterday's Newspapers

I came across two interesting quotes regarding love and marriage in the newspapers yesterday.

From the New York Metro:

"January is the busiest time of the year."
-James Stewart, of U.K. law firm Manches, on divorce during the holidays. He adds: "Christmas is not a cause of divorce but it is certainly a catalyst."

From the New York Times:

"I am faithful -- to myself! I am bored to death by monogamy."
-Italian model and singer Carla Bruni.

The Times reports that Bruni made this statement last February before she became involved with her current boyfriend, French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

You Gotta Believe It's Possible Before It Can Happen

Sassy's comment on my answer to the woman who's involved with a married guy (see my post for January 4th; for some reason, Blogger won't give me the link) got me thinking. She made the excellent point that the woman deserved better than that. She shouldn't have to resort to sharing someone else's husband.

A lot of women may say they deserve better (better than someone else's husband, better than a guy who spends all his free time with his buddies, better than a guy who's usually late, better than a guy who subtly undermines their confidence), but they don't really believe they can have him.

Some of them are just grateful to have a guy in their lives. Seriously. They don't want to rock the boat. It sounds crazy that some women think this way in the year 2008, but hey, some people don't think America is ready for a woman president, either, so go figure.

(Note: I'm an Edwards fan, so I'm not necessarily endorsing Hillary Clinton. I'm just saying it's pretty sad that the US hasn't had a woman president when England, Ireland, the Philippines, Pakistan, India, Israel, and probably some others already have.)

As I was saying:

If you don't believe you deserve a one-man woman, a guy who makes your happiness a priority, and treats you as he'd have you treat him, guess what? You're not going to get him. If you tell yourself that all the good ones are already taken, guess what? You're right.

Your beliefs determine your reality.

Did you ever start a diet, eat one potato chip, and tell yourself it's no use, you'll never lose weight? And it turned out you were right. I used to do the same thing. I struggled with my weight for 21 years until I finally got it through my head that not only could I lose weight, I deserved to lose it.

If I had a bad day, instead of telling myself the show's over, I got back on track the very next morning. Instead of reminding myself that I'd never stuck to an exercise program for more than two days in my entire life, I tried something that worked for me (walking; I'm not overly coordinated) four days a week. If I missed a day, I didn't kill myself over it. I did better the next week.

The same goes for meeting someone special. Don't accept less than you deserve. Decide what you want, visualize yourself in that relationship, and get out of the house until you find it. Whatever you do, don't talk yourself into dating some jerk just because he's the only pebble currently residing on your beach. Don't tell yourself it's no use; all the good ones are taken.

More important:

Determine what do you believe about yourself. Do you really and truly believe that you can attract a happy relationship? If not, why not? Look at that and turn it around. What do you believe about men? If you've had a series of sad relationships (I did), what did they have in common? Determine what kind of relationship would make a better alternative.

If you had a father who cut out on your mother or just didn't seem to give a crap whether you lived or died, you'll need to examine your feelings for him. Women tend to attract men who, on some level, remind them of their fathers, so if yours didn't fit the Mike Brady mold, write down a list of his faults. Then write the opposite of those faults, so that you have a list of desirable qualities in front of you instead. Can you imagine yourself with a better man than your father?

Create a happy relationship on paper and live it in your head. What kinds of things would you do with this person? Would you have fun? Would you be bored? If you fear you'd be bored, why do think you'd be bored? Is it possible you wouldn't be bored?

(I have a theory that a lot of women subconsciously attract the wrong guys because they crave drama and want to avoid boredom at all costs. I think I might have been one of these women.)

A friend who is a psychologist says you "have to walk into it" before you can have it. That would include a better job, a better house, and an exciting, joyful love relationship.

Know what you want. Believe you can have it. Believe that you do have it.

You'll get it.

How's Your Breath?

You went out with a guy. You looked great, made sparkling conversation, and intrigued him by sharing his passion for Will Ferrell movies. But then he said he'd call, and then he didn't, and you're left wondering if the Guinness and anchovies you had for dinner had him running for the hills .

Halitosis can kill your love life.

Bad breath is insidious because you don't know you have it until someone is brave enough to tell you (the rest of us politely bash our heads back into walls to avoid your fumes).

The best way to determine if you suffer from halitosis without actually finding a human test subject is to lick your wrist. Wait until the saliva dries. If you don't detect an odor, you're okay. If you do, hit the Scope, Baby.

It helps to carry a one of those sample bottles you find in the bins at the supermarket in your purse. If it turns out you need it, whip it out in the Ladies' Room. It's more effective than a breath mint or a quick spray; you can swirl it between your teeth and get it into the back of your throat, freshening your entire mouth.

She's Dating A Married Man

Hi Terry,

Thank you so much for your emails. The more I read them, the more wisdom I accumulate.

It's this time of the year when I really reflect on my love life, and what I'm really looking for. I divorced four years ago when I found out my ex-husband had kept a mistress. It broke my heart completely, and I could not forgive him.

But strangely, four years later, the same situation comes up except I am the other girl this time. There is this married man who's been very interested in me. His wife has a three-month-old baby. I know it's immoral, but our chemistry has been unbelievable. He's even better than my ex. Our casual sex was really good each time.

I had tried to keep a distance from him, but he can't help seeing me whenever he can. I let him know I see other guys too, and he lets me know he keeps seeing other girls, too. But then again, he sees me whenever. He's all quiet now when we have sex. I know he's sad also because he can't say anything or do anything about the situation, apart from just enjoying each other's bodies.

His parents were divorced when he was 12. Is that the reason that makes him a compulsive cheater? Will that eventually lead to big problem for his marriage? His wife might sense something but is unlikely to divorce him.

Funny I used to despise those who cheat, but after a few times, I don't feel too guilty about it. But at the same time, I can forgive my husband for what he did because now I understand why he did it.

It's circle of life and I'm running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?

Meanwhile, I'm thinking of doing online dating, I want to know more about a man first by email before I see him. Is it a good idea?

-Running around

Dear Running-

I'm so sorry that your husband cheated on you. I can only imagine how devastated you must have felt.

But you know how you felt, so I urge you to consider the feelings of the woman who is married to the man you're currently sleeping with. I'm not a psychologist, so I don't know what has driven this man to cheat compulsively. I do think that if his wife learns about his infidelity or even suspects it, it will have a terrible effect on their relationship.

You say the chemistry between you is fantastic, but a lot of the time good chemistry results from forbidden passion, not from love or mutual respect. I have a hunch that if if this guy ever gave up his wife and all his other girlfriends, you'd be bored with him in 10 minutes. The thrill would be gone.

Since he does seem to be spreading himself a bit thin, I encourage you to protect yourself from sexually transmitted diseases (that is, if you decide to keep seeing him, and I hope you won't).

You mentioned, "It's circle of life and I'm running around it, there is no right or wrong, you just take it or leave it, is that right?" But you're wrong. There may be a circle of life, but there is definitely a difference between right and wrong. The best advice I can give you is to treat others as you would have them treat you. (And if they don't treat you as you would treat them, it's time to reconsider the relationship.)

If you wouldn't want someone else to do something to you, don't do it to her. Please give the relationship with the married man serious thought. Sure, it's fun, but somebody is going to get hurt.

My mother used to say, "Life has a way of catching up with people." For your own good, stop poaching other women's men. It's rotten karma.

As for online dating, I do recommend it. In 2007, two of my friends became engaged to people they met online. Before you join a service, though, decide on an objective. Do you want a serious relationship? Marriage? Or a guy you can just get together with once in a while?

Write a list of the qualities you'd like him to have. Write a list of the qualities you have to offer.

Believe that you can have the relationship you want. More important, believe that you deserve it.

I think you're wise to get to know a guy you meet online before you agree to meet him. When you decide you're ready, meet him in a safe, neutral location (a restaurant or a coffee shop) and provide your own transportation. Don't get into cars with strangers.

Terry

Reality TV Turns Girls Into Idiots

A 13-year-old I know tells me that girl-on-girl action is all the rage at her middle school.

"People think it's cool," she said queasily.

A 10-year-old from the neighborhood told me she avidly watched MTV's A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila, adding that she couldn't wait to find out if Tila went "for the guy or the girl."

I've seen bits of one or two episodes. The designed-to-titillate girl-on-girl action just made me cranky.

Reality TV lesbianism strikes me as disrespectful to real lesbians, who as far as I know, are not given to squeezing each other's breasts at homecoming dances to please some stupid guy. (I thought lesbians weren't so interested in guys.) No, this action seems to be limited to "hot" girls or wannabe "hot" girls who desperately do want to please some stupid guy.

And that's the scary thing about the prevalence of TV girl-on-girl action: It promotes the idea that if you want a guy, you have to live out some fantasy he may or may not harbor (as opposed to being yourself; that's out of the question). Apparently, a lot of young -- and not so young -- girls are buying it.

Reality TV tells girls that to be successful, they have to be "hot," and not in a Sophia Loren or even a Marilyn Monroe kind of way. If you're hot, you're probably but not necessarily blonde. You wear your hair long and your skirts short. You may or may not possess your original nose and breasts. You demonstrate your hotness by teetering around on toothpicks and making out with whomever happens to be sitting next to you. You should have at least one sex tape in the can.

Unfortunately, reality is beginning to imitate reality TV for young girls. That's what the girls tell me, anyway.

Clearly, reality TV promotes stupidity. Another young acquaintance of mine, a striking blonde who once planned to go to college on a soccer scholarship, now carries a little dog in her purse like Paris Hilton. She and her friends studied Hilton's show The Simple Life as if it were the Talmud. In addition to carrying a little dog like her role model, this girl has become calculating, mean, and self-centered.

She may be getting the attention she wants now, but if she ever hopes to be happy, she's biking down the wrong road. Acting like an idiot never attracts love, respect, and devotion. It elicits contempt, gossip, and, ultimately, pity.

After all, nobody -- except the paparazzi who make money on her and maybe her parents -- loves Paris Hilton. And aside from the teenagers she influences, nobody admires her, either.

It's the same for Tila Tequila, who claims to be genuinely bisexual. Her car wreck of a show attracted lots of attention, sure, but a sad kind of attention. What does the future hold for women like Tila, I wonder. Does she love anybody? Does anybody really love her? Will her life end up a series of tragic attempts for attention?

I hope she and Paris are saving their money; careers like theirs aren't known for longevity. And I'm longing for the day we have our fill of their ilk and the freak shows they inhabit (pray for an end to the writers' strike! TV needs writers).

In the meantime, I worry about the brainwashed girls who believe cattiness, materialism, and faux lesbianism trump intelligence, kindness, and a healthy sense of humor in the quest for happiness.

Or even for a decent boyfriend.

Dating a Villain Most Foul

Here's an update on 'The Man Calls Constantly But Won't Commit' from December 20th:

Dear Terry:

You're right. I had a hard time not answering his phone calls. He was calling me every waking moment. He was caring and supportive. Because of him, I got new inspiration and lost weight. I practiced singing and am focusing on a better career.

He had told me that his brother who lives in Pakistan would be visiting him on Dec 23, with his wife and 2 kids, so he would not be able to see me for New Years. I told him I undersood, but I also told him that it would hurt me if he is seeing other people, or there is no commitment in our relationship. But he said he does not want to be in a committed relationship. It seemed like a committed relationship to me!

Now that his brother or whoever is visiting him, he is not calling me that often. I got a sinking feeling in my stomach! Oh no ! Is he married? Maybe he has a family in Pakistan!

He called me twice yesterday. I did not pick up the phone; I was upset and felt betrayed. I have not told him about my suspicions! Should I?

-Worried


Hi, Worried-

Please stop worrying.

I don't know if the guy is married. If he is, he's dishonest and pathetic. You didn't know, either, so why torture yourself about it?

The bottom line is: He says he's not willing to commit to you. I don't know or care what his reasons are. They don't matter.

Sure, it's hard not to pick up the phone when he calls. You obviously like the guy. But don't pick up. It'll get easier after a while. Ask yourself, "What's really in this relationship for me?"

You lost weight and charted a new course for a career. That's fantastic, but it's probably time to move on. You obviously have a lot going for you.

There are other fish in the sea. Wouldn't you feel better waiting for a better fish to come in than wondering and fretting and racking yourself over a guy who has indicated he's not willing to commit to you?

He's just not worth it.

Terry

Meet Better Men in 2008

Forgive me for repeating myself:

If you want to meet the right guy, you have to know what qualities the right guy should possess. It's up to you to decide what those qualities are.

Right now:

Determine which qualities the right guy for you should have by writing them down. Do you have a pen?

Now, list all the lovely qualities you want in a man: a good sense of humor, a great job, the ability to tell the truth, the willingness to support your dreams, the willingness to be faithful, and so on (it's your list, after all).

If you're having trouble, think back to the last few boyfriends you've endured. Did they have the right qualities? They probably had some of the right qualities, so write them down. But I'll bet they had plenty of the wrong qualities, too. Put those down in a second column. Then write the opposite of the bad quality in the column of good qualities (for example, "keeps me waiting" becomes "respects my time.")

Before long, you will have your list. It will serve you well, so keep it handy.

Big deal, you may be saying to yourself. This is hocus pocus. Wishful thinking. You can't invent a man on paper, you know.

Well, maybe you can and maybe you can't. I'll tell you, this, though: If you go to the supermarket without a list, you come home with a lot of stuff you don't want, don't you? It's the same thing with men.

It helps to have that list around when you're unsure whether some guy you're dating will make you happy in the long run. Consult your list. See if he's worth worth keeping around.

Your list can also help keep you on track if you've been attracted to guys with all the wrong qualities in the past. It'll alert you before you get burned again. It may encourage you to keep a possible winner around long enough to develop an attraction for him. Sometimes we throw kick excellent men to the curb before giving them a chance because we're not used to dating excellent men. They're way out of our comfort zone.

Know what you want, and you're more likely to get it. It sounds good in theory, but if you don't ever pick up that pen, you'll never know how well it works.

The Key to a Happy New Year's Eve

Traditionally, New Year's Eve is the party night of the year. By law, you are required to have all the fun the universe can provide. You are supposed to laugh until Champagne comes out of your nose, look better than every other woman in the room, and kiss the most devastatingly attractive man you've ever met precisely at midnight.

Unfortunately, as most of us have figured out, New Year's Eve rarely works out this way. Sometimes you find yourself standing in the corner by yourself at a party you had to talk yourself into attending. Sometimes you get drunk and make a fool of yourself trying to get the attention of some guy who ends up leaving with somebody else.

But, even if things don't work out the way they're "supposed to," you can have a happy New Year's Eve. The key is to lower your expectations.

Understand that whatever you do, it will probably not match the hype foisted upon us by manufacturers of sparkling wine and purveyors of party dresses.

So, do yourself a favor and put together a Plan B:

Before you get ready to do whatever it is you plan to do tonight, stock your place with things that make you happy: A good book, a DVD you've wanted to see, your favorite CDs, tasty and nourishing food that makes you glad you've eaten it, and the best Champagne you can afford (Korbel is decent and reasonably priced ).

With your Plan B in place, you're safe to follow Plan A. If you end up at a party that isn't doing it for you, for example, you can try sticking around for another hour. Mingle as well as you can. If things don't start looking up, call a cab and get out of there.

Take advantage of Plan B.

Go home and enjoy yourself. Throw a luxurious party for one. Smear a bit of caviar on a cracker and write your New Year's resolutions (Number One: Treat yourself as a treasure that's yet to be discovered. Number Two: Speak to yourself as you would a beloved child). Watch that DVD. Read that book. Write a list of the qualities you want in your next boyfriend (or husband). Tape it to your bathroom mirror.

New Year's Eve is a time for reflection and a chance to make a new start. That's what I love about it.

If you go out tonight, I hope you'll have a good time. But, if you find yourself bored and disappointed, remember that you can always go home and have a much better time on your own.

Happy new year.

Is Getting Back With an Ex Worth It?

Yeah, I'm in a happy place now, but once upon a time the week between Christmas and New Year's nearly killed me. The reason? A recent break-up with a guy I convinced myself I loved.

I'm writing about it now because I look back and think it's so silly. At the time it didn't seem silly. Since other people struggle at this time of year due to a break-up, I hope my experience will help them.

You may have noticed that yesterday's post addressed the same subject, but some people need a good push to move on (that used to be me). Life is short, and the world is full of wonderful men. You just can't find the love you deserve when you're hung up on a past relationship.

So here's my story:

Many years ago I dated a guy, and he dumped me. What's worse, he didn't even tell me he dumped me; he just stopped calling, and I heard the news from his friend that he was "out with his new girlfriend."

I went home and went to bed. When I woke up, Pete Townsend's "'I'm Gonna Get You Anyway" blared from the radio. I took this as a sign from God that my love with this guy was meant to be (sad, I know) and made a vow to get him back.

You see, the very idea that I'd been dumped -- and dumped in such a manner -- clouded my good judgment. If I were thinking straight, I'd have asked myself, "Do I really want to date a coward who can't break up with a woman face-to-face? I mean, what would happen if I married this jerk and somebody broke into our house?"

But no.

I couldn't see his faults. In fact, I couldn't remember any of them, either. For instance, the guy often had wicked breath, but this fact conveniently escaped my memory. I decided his compulsion to trot home every Friday night to talk back to Hugh Downs on 20/20 indicated a superior intelligence.

I also forgot that he suffered right-out whacko love/hate relationships with both his mother and his sister. I forgot that he'd told me he would never consider a woman for an executive position, and that, when I pressed him, he considered women "inferior."

I spent the better part of a year mooning over this schmuck, remembering the good times, like the night he snappped flowers off the neighbor's bush for me. I reminisced about the time we hopped the subway to see Johnny Thunders at the Mudd Club, where I stood among the leather-and-studs gang wearing a pink blouse with a Peter Pan collar.

In the end, I didn't realize my goal to get back with him, which turned out to be quite a good thing. Eventually, he married and divorced the girl he dumped me for. The last time I saw him, he sat round-shouldered in a neighborhood bar, sneezing uncontrollably. I'd forgotten about his ragweed allergy, too.

The mind is a funny thing.

I wasted too much of my young life pining for this guy, wondering about him, hoping to run into him, planning to run into him. I spent the entire New Year's Day after he dumped me, playing David Bowie's "Wild is the Wind" over and over and over again.

If I had the chance to do it over, I'd do this instead:

-Allow myself time to cry over the guy for a specified number of minutes every day until I got him out of my system.

-Push him out my mind for the rest of the day.

-Write a list of the things that bugged me about him (the evil breath, the Hugh Downs fixation).

-Toss everything he'd ever given me into the trash (crying would be allowed for this part, but I would do it).

-Toss out all other reminders of him (the blouse I wore to the Mudd Club, for instance).

-Toss out things that didn't necessarily remind me of him, but that I no longer wore or used.

In other words, I would move on. I would make a fresh start. I would stop bleating into my friends' ears about him. I would cease crying into my beer at the local tavern.

I would etch these words in my mind:

OUT OF SIGHT IS OUT OF MIND.

I would make a better vow: If I am ever to get back with him, he will have to come back to me. And, because the fool was not even man enough to break up with me face-to-face, he will have to come crawling back.

Then I'd have to ask myself if he was even worth my time.

I can tell you today, on December 28th 2007, he was not worth my time. If you're a regular reader, you know I married a man who makes me happy and does not even watch 20/20 (although he does probably watch too much John Wayne).

It happened for me, and it can happen for you.

Clear your mind, your house, and your life of the one who hurt you.

Turn the page.

Don't Cry Over Anything That Can't Cry Over You

I read this excellent advice in Maureen Dowd's column yesterday. Dowd wrote about Christmas memories, both hers and those compiled in a new book by Caroline Kennedy, and mentioned how her mother once swiped one of her Christmas presents and gave it to a less fortunate kid. Quite understandably, this caused indignation and tears.

While Mrs. Dowd may have suffered from an overarching sense of charity, she did make a good point that has served her daughter well all her life:

"Don't cry over anything that can't cry over you."

We're already two days past Christmas and zooming toward New Year's, and this season, like every season, for every woman who pried open a spring-hinged box containing an engagement ring, there's another woman who thought she might get one but did not.

Which means it may be time for her to re-evaluate her relationship.

However, this is not the time for accusations and histrionics. If the woman has been led to believe the relationship was on a serious course, she's got to step back and give herself time to see if it indeed what it seemed to be. Hey, maybe the guy just isn't ready to get married. Or maybe he just doesn't care about her the way she cares about him.

Whatever it is, she needs to be open to the acutely but temporarily painful fact that perhaps this guy is not the guy for her.

Instead of making an issue about it, it's time to be slightly less available. This serves two purposes: She can ease back into (or improve on) the life she had before the man stepped into the picture. She will also give him time to miss her a bit, leading him to realize how much she means to him -- or how little (in which case, what a blessing it is to know!).

It's definitely not time for an ultimatum. I'd be damned to wake up next to some guy whose arm I twisted into marrying me. If you expected a proposal but didn't get it, do not resort to giving ultimatums. You may end up scoring the ring and the party, but you'll wonder about the man's feelings for you for the rest of your life.

In the meantime, take Mrs. Dowd's advice. Don't cry over anything that can't cry over you, which includes cars, jewelry, Christmas toys, so-called best friends who call only when they need something, and unrequited loves.

Clearly, material things cannot cry for you, but you can determine whether those of the human variety can by stepping back a bit. Then see what happens.

Did Jamie Lynn Spears Get Pregnant By Herself?

If you listen to the knuckleheads interviewed for this article in The New York Times, you'd think she did.

The media and the public are stoning this girl, the 16-year-old star of a TV show my daughters watch, but she didn't get pregnant alone. There's a guy in the equation, too. The only thing I've heard about him is that she met him at church.

The so-called Christians who denounce Jamie Lynn for setting a poor example for their daughters might remember this: She could have had an abortion.

She didn't, so say a prayer for her and leave her alone.

In case you're wondering what I'm telling my daughters, I'm telling them the same thing my father told me. After we learned a 15-year-old acquaintance found herself with child, he warned, "If that ever happens to you, don't ask me to babysit."

That drove the point home. Teenage pregnancy is not conducive to fun, freedom, and finishing one's education. I would not let it happen to me. Let's hope my daughters are smart enough not to let it happen to them, especially since Walgreens stores seem to be as prevalent as Starbucks these days.

He's Got a Secret: Love Is Always a Gamble, But This is Ridiculous

Dear Terry,

After some shopping at 8pm, I was astonished to see my boyfriend's car in his driveway instead of on the way to the city, where he said he was going. I popped in to say hello.

When I went in through the back door (this is normal, the back door is left unlocked), there was my boyfriend, playing away on his computer. Well I should clarify, Mr Self-Proclaimed Computer Illiterate, who didn't know the first thing about the internet, was gambling with online poker on a state of the art laptop.

In previous conversations and demonstrations for the last four years, he has given me the impression that he didn't even know how to turn on a computer, never mind the intricacies of going online, or gambling with user name with cash on the screen. I stood there with this horrified expression on my face.

Although I'm daily on the Internet and have worked with computers over 20 years, it was pretty complicated. It was some type of card game with other online users around a table the man had a username, and he had over 500 dollars beside his username. I'm still in shock. I just made quick small talk and said, "Gotta go."

I feel I don't know the man at all. I knew he did gamble at the races, even occasionally at the bookies, as he owns horses, but a few days ago he mentioned the next time he puts a (small) bet on will be after Christmas at the races.

It has left me reeling, there is just too much hidden, too many secrets. I feel he knows me, has access to my life, who I am, but what do I really know about him?

Can you give some advice, please? Am I overreacting? My gut feeling was a feeling of being threatened, cheated on, discovering a nasty plot. He couldn't have floored me more if I'd caught him conversing in fluent Japanese to a Gesha girl on his lap. I love this guy but there just can't be trust in a situation like this.

-A Fair Lass Who's Not Being Treated Fairly

Hello, Fair One-

Please follow your instincts. I mean, ugh!

In previous letters, you've let me know that things were progressing with this man, and he'd been pressing you to marry him. Thank God you made this discovery now and not after you got in any deeper with him.

You're in love with him, and that's certainly difficult enough.

It's possible his gambling is all very innocent, that he just places the occasional bet, but why would he hide the fact that he knows how to use a computer? The fact that he's very comfortable in the online gambling world scares me a little, and the fact that he's secretive about it scares me a lot.

It seems to me that if somebody lies to you once, it's entirely possible that he's lied to you about other things. Or if he hides something, you have to ask yourself if he's hiding anything else.

You are definitely not overreacting. If you choose to proceed, do so with caution.

And please take very good care of yourself. Have the merriest Christmas possible.

Terry

The Man Calls Constantly, But He Won't Commit

Hello Terry,

Thanks for the book. I read it.

I talked to a guy for 90 days before he wanted to meet me. Finally he met me, and we had an awesome time. He lives four hours away from me.

He calls me a lot every day, and I like it. He laughs and makes me happy.

After spending a lot of time with him on a 4-day weekend, I asked him whether we are girlfriend and boyfriend, and he responded, "Let time tell." Should I have asked this question?

It seems like a relationship, since he calls me in the morning, a few times during the day and at night. He talks to me like a girlfriend but does not know if he wants me to be in a relationship.

I am so confused.

After my trip to meet him, he is saying I should move to his city, and he will help me find a job there. I see so much interest and passion but he does not want to say that he is in exclusively dating me.

I asked him if he was dating anyone and he said exactly this: "I have dinner buddies, I have show buddies and I have sex buddies." Well that put a damper on my hopes for him, although he treated me like a queen.

Why can't he decide about me? Is he a player? Should I stay away from him? What should I do?

Thanks.

-His Little Buddy

Hey, Buddy-

Thank you for purchasing my book.

About this guy you're dating: You didn't do anything wrong by asking about the nature of your relationship. He's been calling, you are obviously developing feelings for him, and you're concerned.

The fact that he categorizes his friends as dinner buddies, show buddies, and sex buddies makes me a little queasy (excuse me while I get the Pepto Bismol). I can't say for sure if he's a player, but boy, it's all about him and his feelings, isn't it?

But he makes you laugh, and we girls always fall for the guy who makes us laugh. And he's sweet on the phone, and you're thinking about him all the time when you're not on the phone, aren't you? Well, your behavior and feelings are normal. They're natural.

Since this fellow is calling you constantly (and let me repeat, you did nothing wrong by assuming that his behavior indicated a fairly serious relationship), I suggest you stop taking every call he makes. There is no law that says you have to pick up the phone every time he calls you.

Am I suggesting that you play games?

No.

Look at it this way: Let's say a woman you met at work started calling you four times a day. She invited you for a fun girls' weekend, where you went skiing, enjoyed some cocktails, saw a show or two, and so on. Would you or would you not assume that this person liked you and considered you a friend?

Now, what if you said to this woman, "I'm so glad I met you at the office. I'm so glad we've become such close friends?"

And she said, "Close friends? Um, look, we're just travel buddies. You gotta understand I have a lot of buddies. I'm very popular. I have all sorts of friends."

Would you accept that nonsense from a female friend?

I didn't think so.

Well, you don't have to accept it from some guy, either. Limit your conversations with him to one per day (twice a week would be even better). When he asks why you're suddenly unavailable, tell him you've been "really busy." That's it. End of story. It's none of his business.

Either he will figure out that he really does like you, that you're more than a buddy he can slip into some category, or he won't. He'll make a decision about your relationship. If he decides to see you exclusively, great. If he decides he wants to carry on with his assortment of one-dimensional friends, at least you'll know it. You can save yourself a lot of time and heartbreak.

Cutting down on his phone calls will leave you with time on your hands. Judging by your feelings for him, it will be hard not to pick up the phone, but I'm telling you, you're better off. Right now, he's calling all the shots in this buddyship, and it's time you got to call some of your own.

In the meantime, do write a list of the qualities you want in a man, as I suggest in my book (the book will not help you if you just read it; you must do the exercises!).

Be open to the very real possibility that there's a man who'll make you happier than this one will. I know it's hard to imagine you could ever fall for another guy when you're so hung up on this one, but, believe me, you can.

Terry

Why Marry for Money When You Can Make Your Own?

I just finished the informative and fun-to-read book, Goal Digger: Lessons Learned From the Rich Men I Dated by model and writer Alicia Dunams. She specifically dated rich men to learn how to make her own money, instead of marrying some guy to get it.

The lessons she learned inspired me, but I was especially excited about the decisions she made about men that led her to acquire her unusual financial education.

She writes of a bad marriage:

"Before we were married, I told my then fiance that I was with an ex-boyfriend during the first two weeks we'd met. Even though it was very early in our relationship, I thought I should tell him because he was a devout Christian. Besides, our pastor said we should always be honest with each other.

Instead of separating, we ended up eloping three months later. The very first day of our marriage started off as a glimpse into the hell it would eventually become. He tormented me daily with the news I'd given him months before we'd eloped. He'd sit on my arms to hold them down and then interrogate me about my relationship with this past lover. 'Where did he take you? What did you wear?' This would go on all night."

The guy sounds like a hell of a Christian, eh? But it gets worse:

"He wrote the word SLUT on my jeans, and made me throw away all the clothing and heels I had ever worn with this person. He read my journals and even made me destroy pictures and letters from past boyfriends. This went on even after he cheated on me. Because of this behavior, I was effectively lobotomized for most of the marriage. I was stoical, with no emotion. The abuse distanced me from my family and friends. I put up with this torment until the birth of our daughter. She was the only source of light during this dismal time...

One day, I woke up and said, 'No longer.'"

After Dunams' marriage ended, she spent time with another disappointing man:

"My second dysfunctional relationship was similar to many women's--being attached to a commitment phobe."

Eventually, she realized she needed to stop looking for a man to be a "savior figure," and she set out to learn how to achieve her own goals by learning how successful men achieved theirs. She dated a series of them and discovered that if they could become financially independent, she could, too.

Good book.

Since I, too, enjoy money, I'm learning how to make it and keep it myself. I have to admit, the idea of handling finances once intimidated me. After all, in high school I'd ended up in 3-Term Algebra (translation: Algebra for the Slow). Math was never my subject.

But over the years, I've discovered that several former Calculus whizzes I knew during my adolescence are currently mired in debt (credit card, home equity, you name it). It dawned on me that you don't have to be Pythagoras to handle money competently.

We women need to be able to handle money competently.

Here's a horror story: My cousin told me about a 40-something friend, who had been forced to room with a stranger following her divorce. Seems this woman's husband had led her to believe he was taking care of the finances during their marriage.

Turns out he hadn't taken care of much. What's worse, he hadn't even taken care of the IRS, which left this poor woman indebted to the scariest agency of the US Government. She ended up having to give up her home and share a small apartment until she could pay them off.

So let's be on top of our finances, People.

Money is freedom, and money is power. And, believe me, it's a lot easier to stay in love with a man when you don't suffer from money problems. Money problems spell death to a relationship (have I said this before? Probably). And having money means you don't ever have to take crap from some substandard guy.

If you don't think you have what it takes to learn money management skills, you're wrong. If you fear books about finance will bore you into a coma, Alicia Dunams' definitely won't.

Peter Lynch's Learn to Earn is good, as well, and it should be readily available at your library. The next book on my list to read is The Millionnaire Next Door, which another cousin (a spectacularly successful man) swears by. You should be able to find that one in your library, too.