He's Got a Secret: Love Is Always a Gamble, But This is Ridiculous

Dear Terry,

After some shopping at 8pm, I was astonished to see my boyfriend's car in his driveway instead of on the way to the city, where he said he was going. I popped in to say hello.

When I went in through the back door (this is normal, the back door is left unlocked), there was my boyfriend, playing away on his computer. Well I should clarify, Mr Self-Proclaimed Computer Illiterate, who didn't know the first thing about the internet, was gambling with online poker on a state of the art laptop.

In previous conversations and demonstrations for the last four years, he has given me the impression that he didn't even know how to turn on a computer, never mind the intricacies of going online, or gambling with user name with cash on the screen. I stood there with this horrified expression on my face.

Although I'm daily on the Internet and have worked with computers over 20 years, it was pretty complicated. It was some type of card game with other online users around a table the man had a username, and he had over 500 dollars beside his username. I'm still in shock. I just made quick small talk and said, "Gotta go."

I feel I don't know the man at all. I knew he did gamble at the races, even occasionally at the bookies, as he owns horses, but a few days ago he mentioned the next time he puts a (small) bet on will be after Christmas at the races.

It has left me reeling, there is just too much hidden, too many secrets. I feel he knows me, has access to my life, who I am, but what do I really know about him?

Can you give some advice, please? Am I overreacting? My gut feeling was a feeling of being threatened, cheated on, discovering a nasty plot. He couldn't have floored me more if I'd caught him conversing in fluent Japanese to a Gesha girl on his lap. I love this guy but there just can't be trust in a situation like this.

-A Fair Lass Who's Not Being Treated Fairly

Hello, Fair One-

Please follow your instincts. I mean, ugh!

In previous letters, you've let me know that things were progressing with this man, and he'd been pressing you to marry him. Thank God you made this discovery now and not after you got in any deeper with him.

You're in love with him, and that's certainly difficult enough.

It's possible his gambling is all very innocent, that he just places the occasional bet, but why would he hide the fact that he knows how to use a computer? The fact that he's very comfortable in the online gambling world scares me a little, and the fact that he's secretive about it scares me a lot.

It seems to me that if somebody lies to you once, it's entirely possible that he's lied to you about other things. Or if he hides something, you have to ask yourself if he's hiding anything else.

You are definitely not overreacting. If you choose to proceed, do so with caution.

And please take very good care of yourself. Have the merriest Christmas possible.

Terry