Sassy's comment on my answer to the woman who's involved with a married guy (see my post for January 4th; for some reason, Blogger won't give me the link) got me thinking. She made the excellent point that the woman deserved better than that. She shouldn't have to resort to sharing someone else's husband.
A lot of women may say they deserve better (better than someone else's husband, better than a guy who spends all his free time with his buddies, better than a guy who's usually late, better than a guy who subtly undermines their confidence), but they don't really believe they can have him.
Some of them are just grateful to have a guy in their lives. Seriously. They don't want to rock the boat. It sounds crazy that some women think this way in the year 2008, but hey, some people don't think America is ready for a woman president, either, so go figure.
(Note: I'm an Edwards fan, so I'm not necessarily endorsing Hillary Clinton. I'm just saying it's pretty sad that the US hasn't had a woman president when England, Ireland, the Philippines, Pakistan, India, Israel, and probably some others already have.) As I was saying:
If you don't believe you deserve a one-man woman, a guy who makes your happiness a priority, and treats you as he'd have you treat him, guess what? You're not going to get him. If you tell yourself that all the good ones are already taken, guess what? You're right.
Your beliefs determine your reality.
Did you ever start a diet, eat one potato chip, and tell yourself it's no use, you'll never lose weight? And it turned out you were right. I used to do the same thing. I struggled with my weight for 21 years until I finally got it through my head that not only could I lose weight, I deserved to lose it.
If I had a bad day, instead of telling myself the show's over, I got back on track the very next morning. Instead of reminding myself that I'd never stuck to an exercise program for more than two days in my entire life, I tried something that worked for me (walking; I'm not overly coordinated) four days a week. If I missed a day, I didn't kill myself over it. I did better the next week.
The same goes for meeting someone special. Don't accept less than you deserve. Decide what you want, visualize yourself in that relationship, and get out of the house until you find it. Whatever you do, don't talk yourself into dating some jerk just because he's the only pebble currently residing on your beach. Don't tell yourself it's no use; all the good ones are taken.
More important:
Determine what do you believe about yourself. Do you really and truly believe that you can attract a happy relationship? If not, why not? Look at that and turn it around. What do you believe about men? If you've had a series of sad relationships (I did), what did they have in common? Determine what kind of relationship would make a better alternative.
If you had a father who cut out on your mother or just didn't seem to give a crap whether you lived or died, you'll need to examine your feelings for him. Women tend to attract men who, on some level, remind them of their fathers, so if yours didn't fit the Mike Brady mold, write down a list of his faults. Then write the opposite of those faults, so that you have a list of desirable qualities in front of you instead. Can you imagine yourself with a better man than your father?
Create a happy relationship on paper and live it in your head. What kinds of things would you do with this person? Would you have fun? Would you be bored? If you fear you'd be bored, why do think you'd be bored? Is it possible you wouldn't be bored?
(I have a theory that a lot of women subconsciously attract the wrong guys because they crave drama and want to avoid boredom at all costs. I think I might have been one of these women.)
A friend who is a psychologist says you "have to walk into it" before you can have it. That would include a better job, a better house, and an exciting, joyful love relationship.
Know what you want. Believe you can have it. Believe that you do have it.
You'll get it.
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2 comments:
Terry--I love your thinking. You're truly inspiring to me. I'm working on my visualization and know one day all good things will happen!
Terry, your advice is spot on. And, thankfully, I'm now at a place in my life and with myself where I won't settle and know I deserve more than I've had.
I also think your comment about fathers is very insightful. I love my father, but without going into too much detail, he's human. (Earth shattering!) But, humor aside, I found that my ex-husband was very much like him in the ways I don't care for, although on the surface they seemed very different (father: can yell a lot; ex: man of few words, non-communicative). What a shock it was for me to learn I really had married someone like my father -- and that in many ways I was in the same role as my mom!
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