There is No Such Thing As Mr. Perfect

I found the following comment on the post Law of Attraction in Action and will address it here:

I am also quite fussy in choosing the right clothes, right college and now right person to date....ok I have lot of years still to meet Mr.
Perfect!...I have finished college and am now working in the corporate world and earning cool money but I am lonely at the end of the day! ...
And Boy! What all I have done to meet that Mr. Perfect...tried Facebook, MySpace, Match.com, but somehow in the end its always that I end up thinking that he is not good enough for me...Of late I have started using another site - as I heard that it's much better to help meet Mr. Perfect...so let's see what it does...

I sometimes hate myself to be so damn choosy...but I am like that since birth...I seek perfection ...what should I do?

-Choosy

Dear Choosy-

First off, stop hating yourself. Hating yourself always leads to making bad choices, which in your case may mean isolating yourself from people and experiences that might make you happy.

Or, it may not. It's entirely possible you're not ready for a relationship. As you said, you're young. Guess what? Today people marry later. A lot of us want to finish our educations and establish ourselves in careers before we bind ourselves to another human for life. This can be a good thing. Educated and financially sound people enjoy a lower divorce rate than their less educated and wealthy counterparts (please see the video below for more on this).

Now, you say you seek perfection, and you've scoured almost every available Internet source in search of it. But guess what? No man is perfect. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. It's not fair to expect perfection from another human being.

Sure, it's wise to know what you want in a man. Presumably, you want someone honest, kind, who values education as you do, and so on. Perhaps you also want someone who's funny because life, as I don't have to tell you, has its ups and downs, and we all need a laugh to get us through the bad times.

So, know what you want and don't settle for anything less. For example, if you want a kind man, don't settle for a guy who gets in the elevator and bangs the CLOSE button 10 times so he doesn't have to wait for the old lady humping along with a walker. Don't settle for a guy who lies or makes you wait in restaurants for him or doesn't call when he says he will.

But don't expect that the right man will never have a bad day, that he'll say or do the right thing in every situation, or that he'll look sharp when he's come down with a bad cold. Seek a man who you can love who'll love you and make your happiness a priority. Seek a best friend to whom you can be a best friend.

Treat others as you would have them treat you, and only hold them to the standards you can hold yourself. Again, not one of us is perfect. To pretend otherwise will only prevent you from enjoying life and the people who make it interesting.

Check out the video I mentioned:

How Can Emotional Freedom Technique Help You?

Here's what health authorities are saying about the easy-to-learn, easy-to-use technique that cured my insomnia:

"EFT offers great healing benefits."
-Deepak Chopra, MD

"EFT is at the forefront of the new healing movement."
Candace Pert, PhD
Author of Molecules of Emotion.

"By removing emotional trauma, EFT helps heal physical symptoms too."
Norm Shealy, MD
Author of Soul Medicine.

Click here for my Single Women Rule interview with EFT practitioner Alison Held. She'll explain how EFT can help you, too.

If you're suffering the loss of a loved one (or from a broken heart), trying to lose weight, or dealing with chronic physical or emotional pain, check out my interview with EFT practitioner and nutritional consultant, Alison Held.

EFT stands for Emotional Freedom Technique. According to its founder Gary Craig, it's "an emotional, needle-free version of acupuncture that is based on new discoveries regarding the connection between your body's subtle energies, your emotions, and your health ...."

Alison helped me beat a bad case of insomnia and anxiety after the death of my mother. And, believe it or not, she did it in one session. The great thing about EFT is that you can do it yourself by yourself after using the free resources Alison suggests. Or, if you prefer to have someone walk you through it, Alison will offer listeners 20% off an initial consulation.

Click here to listen to my Single Women Rule interview with Alison.

Break Up Advice From a Reader

Terry-

Your newsletters on breaking up came at the perfect time.

The man I adore has gone quiet. This is not the first time he's "run away." But this time, I decided to simply let him go. Of course, my mind sees him everywhere, hear his voice in songs, etc.

When that happens, I simply hold him in my heart and silently say to myself, "I love you with all my heart, and I let you go." Sometimes there are a few tears, but always there is peace.

What is love, anyway, but being able to give the other person freedom without our "wanting" them to conform to our wishes and ideals?

-It works

Dear Works-

What is love, indeed?

You're an incredibly smart woman, and a lot of us will learn from your experience. Thank you so much for writing.

Terry

Office Romance: Should She Ask Her Boss Out?

Good afternoon, Ms. MacDonald-

Hope all is well. I love reading your articles, they definitely give me insights on how to move forward with relationships. Today, I need your advice. I am a single mom in my mid 40's and have had no luck in the love arena. I am very skeptical of starting relationships in today's corrupt society.

About a month ago, I went to a job interview and was sparked by the hiring manager; it was like an instant connection. Did not think anything of it afterwords because 99% of those individuals are married. However, within a few days of starting at my new job, I learned that my hiring manager was a single parent.

I feel very attracted to him but do not know if he even looks at me that way. I am one to believe that men are the ones that will make the move, but I am not sure if that will happen. What would be the protocol? What advice can I get from you on how to go about this? I have thought of dropping a line as a secret admirer but do not know if that is appropriate. Perhaps, I should just tell him how I feel but then, what is he going to think of me?

My other concern is how this could impact my job since he was my hiring manager, and I now work under him. Look forward to your words of wisdom and advice. Thank you for your time.

-New Hire

Dear New Hire:

Thanks for the kind words. Call me Terry, please, and congratulations on your new job.

My best advice is this: Don't make a move on him. The rules of romance are quite different when you're at work, especially when the man in question is your boss. It's possible the man is as attracted to you as you are to him; however, it's not in his best interests (or yours) to start something when you're brand new to a company. People are watching you to see how you shake out as an employee, and they're watching him to see if he's made a good hiring decision.

It's possible that months from now, when you're secure in your position, when the two of you have developed a rhythm in your work together, that things may change. But, right now, concentrate only on establishing yourself at the company. It won't be easy, but keep your mind on your work and not on your attraction to this man. It's possible that after working with him for a while, you'll realize you're not attracted much, anyway.

The first thing that popped out at me in your letter was this:

"I am very skeptical of starting relationships in today's corrupt society."

Let's examine this. I've been reading a bit of history lately, and one thing that hits me over and over is the fact that all societies have been corrupt. Read a couple of paragraphs in the Old Testament, and you'll see what I mean.

Evil people have existed since the beginning of time, as do others who operate only with their own best interests at heart. Clearly, you should not start a relationship with anybody like this.

But know that good people also exist. They always have, and they always will.

It really helps to know (put it in writing, please) some of the qualities you'd like in a person with whom you would enjoy a relationship. Often, women will say, "Well, he's got to be no shorter than 5'10, make a decent living, and have a great smile." (Seriously, they say this stuff.)

But a man who's 5'11, makes 150K+ per annum, smiles beautifully, yet can look another person in the eye and lie, who cheats, or is congenitally unable to pick his underwear off the floor probably won't cut it for you.

So, know what you want. What qualities exactly attract you to your new manager? Write them down. Do you want someone who's kind, has a sense of humor, is generous, faithful? Write that down, too.

It's amazing. When you know what you want, it's so much easier to recognize it when it shows up.

Also, since you're skeptical of starting new relationships, please be open to the possibility that so far you have chosen men who will confirm your suspicions by disappointing you. Ask yourself what scares you about waking up to the same person for the rest of your life. Boredom? Losing your identity? Infidelity? Fear of abandonment? Fear of being smothered?

These are all pretty normal fears, but if you can face them head on, you can get around them. If you're afraid of being bored to death, for example, ask yourself, "Is it possible I wouldn't be bored to death?" Think of examples of married or committed couples who still enjoy each others' company for inspiration.

If you can't think of any couples who fit the bill, write a scene between you and your perfect man and set it 10 or 20 years from now. What would you be doing? Would you be laughing? Would you be alone or surrounded by other people who love you?

Read this scene twice a day and bring it to life in your imagination. Use all your senses: What would you see? Hear? Taste? Feel? Smell?

Truly, what the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

A New Day in America

Well, I did it.

I voted, and I've got a warm feeling all over. Just hoping we'll know the results of the election tonight instead of sometime in December (can't go through that again. Noooooo....).

Election Day means the kiddies are home, and my aunt will stay for dinner. Instead of writing a proper post, I'll refer you to Single Women Rule, where today we discuss, "He stood you up? Here's how to handle it."

Should She Break Up with Him?

Hi, Terry-

How do I know if it is time to break up or make it work? I have feelings for S., but we have different beliefs and values in life. Sometimes he doesn't listen real well to me, and other times he just can't handle what I am sharing because he will not evaluate the evidence I bring. He doesn't want to know or believe the truth.

Despite all that he has good traits too. He is generous, faithful, makes good jokes, and a great hugger. We have bonded sexually and been faithful. I always thought that I would wait until marriage, but I didn't and now Steven and I feel bonded to each other. I am thinking that if had chosen to fall for someone with similar values and beliefs my life would be more fulfilling and productive. I don't know what to do.

I feel love for him, and he tells me he misses me when I am not there. He feels some love, too. Is it enough? Should I just focus on the good and ignore the bad, or should I move on?

-M.

Hi, M.-

You say you feel love for S., but you have different values and beliefs. You've had sex, so you feel "bonded" to him.

Okay, it's true that no relationship is perfect. Nobody is perfect. Now, S. seems to have some very desirable qualities, but you still this feeling nags you that he may not be the one. I think you need to listen to your instincts.

Picture yourself married to Steven ten years from now; maybe you're running one kid to soccer while he's running another to piano lessons, and you're trying to get his attention on your way out. Is he giving it to you? How does that make you feel? Do you think you'll be able to get through the day-to-day routine of married life happily, or will you resent having compromised your needs, beliefs, and values?

Ask yourself what's motivating you to stay with S., a man you're pretty unsure about. Is it that you have a faithful, generous man in your life, and you somehow feel ungrateful for questioning whether he's really the one? Do you worry that he's the best you can do, so you'd better hold onto him?

I can't answer these questions, but you can. They're worth exploring.

Would you consider putting a little space between you and S.? You don't have to break up with him, but maybe you would make more time for friends, family, and coworkers. Or you could go on a little weekend by yourself to sort your feelings out. It's possible you'll miss him enough that the things you thought you valued seem less important. Or, you'll realize that you're better off having S. for just a friend, instead of a boyfriend or potential husband.

One more thing: Just because you had sex with someone doesn't mean he's the right person for you.

Terry

Do All Men Want Threesomes?

Well, in television land they sure do.

But I stumbled upon a real guy's perspective here. Interestingly, it pretty much sums up what a guy friend of mine told me years ago.

Dumping a Bad Boy

The writer of the following email didn't ask for advice and probably doesn't need any. She's figured things out very well on her own:

Dear Terry:

I am coming out of a relationship which did nothing but take away from me. It's been six months since I left him. We got married two years ago, and he wasn't working then. He still isn't. Every job he finds, he loses. The longest he stays at a job is three months.

I took up responsibilities in terms of paying for all bills because I believed then that was the right thing to do. What did he do in return? He relaxed and stopped looking for a job. What he started looking for and finding were girls. He could change girls like shirts. When I was six months pregnant, he lied to me that he was visiting an aunt in another town for a week. That week turned to a month, and it just so happened that he wasn't even visiting his aunt. He was living with another girl.

When I found out I was so hurt, I almost had a miscarriage. However, I pulled though and delivered safely (thank God). Since the baby was born, he has had five other different girlfriends. I called it quits because I didn't want to have anything to do with him. It's been six months and I don't even miss him. I don't call him, and I consider him a closed chapter in my life, never to be reopened again. Now, he has no money, he can't keep a job, and he has no place to call home.

I've learnt lessons through that experience:

1. I will never enter into any relationship because I feel sorry for a guy. The guy has to show his worth.
2. Once a guy is a loser, chances are he will probably never change. He will forever remain a loser. No need to stick with him. All he will ever do is take from you and deplete you.
3. The power to decide the kind of relationship I want depends entirely on me. I decide what kinds of men should or should not come in my life.
4. Never enter a relationship where from Day One, the woman pays the bills. Some men will take that for granted and expect the woman to do that her entire life.
5. A man has to show his worth (worth repeating).
6. A man who cannot remember your birthdays or special days should be dumped immediately. No need to keep hoping he will change because he won't.
7. Better to be uncommitted to anyone and happy than to be committed to someone and be miserable.
8. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and move on.
9. Don't call the guy you've broken up with. Consider him a closed chapter never to be reopened. He belongs to the past.
10. Live each day with renewed hope that the best is yet to come.
11. When you feel alone, pray and find confidence in God
12. Keep hoping, keep loving, and keep believing.

-Redeemed

Dear Redeemed-

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience. It's a sad commentary that a man like this can attract women he changes like shirts. Here's hoping they see the light.

All the very best to you and your little one.

Law of Attraction Newbie Shares Success Story

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know that I believe in and use the Law of Attraction.

So, I just loved reading about how Jeannette Maw's ex-husband used LoA to attract a beautiful dinner date (no problem here; he and Jeannette remain good friends). Click here to read the story.

It's Almost Halloween: What Would Audrey Hepburn Wear?

Halloween's a week away, and the pressure's on to find the perfect costume.

If you Google "women's Halloween costumes," you'll come up with myriad "sexy" (depending on your definition of sexy) items that manufacturers claim will make you the most desirable babe at the keg. According to the TV show Extra, short skirts, high heels, and cropped tops (be sure to show that navel) are de riguer.

Wear 'em or be square.

Funny thing is, since this hoochie Halloween trend heated up a few years ago, comedians have taken notice. "Halloween is an excuse for women to dress up like sluts," I've heard more than one male comic say.

Well, we all want to be noticed. We all want to be considered attractive. But it's becoming clear that showing up in the "Gangster Garter Dress with the Rhinestone Money Sign Clip Tie" is probably not the way to a man's heart. (On the other hand, it's definitely the way to some guy's nether region.)

A young friend of mine turned up last Halloween in an-up-to-there skirt and sky-high heels. I can't remember what she was supposed to be (a sexy pirate, a sexy candy striper, a sexy cop -- who the hell remembers?), but I do remember the effect she had on people. The night started badly. She stopped at a gas station, where a bystander requested sexual favors. For the rest of the evening, she continued to get the wrong kind of attention.

If you want love, look lovely. When all else fails, ask yourself: What kind of costume would Audrey Hepburn wear? But if you just want sex, by all means squeeze that hot bod of yours into a sexy cop costume.

Does Society Reward Promiscuous Men?

Every now and then a reader writes an email I can really sink my teeth into. I received one yesterday. It compelled me to respond because I used to have the very same feelings:

I have a question that might work for your dating blog.

As a woman, I feel like I am living in culture where men are rewarded for infidelity, and a man's greatest accomplishment is shagging as many women as he can.

It seems like every famous actor, musician, public figure, or wealthy or well-known man is a cheater or a playboy (Charlie Sheen, Mick Jagger, Hugh Hefner, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Colin Farrell, Warren Beatty, Dennis Quaid, Tommy Lee, etc.). There are so many cases where a woman divorced her famous husband because of cheating, usually with a much younger woman (like Christie Brinkley, etc.).

Popular culture seems to glorify and gratify promiscuity in men. Men with a lot of sex partners are the envy of other men.

Popular culture [promotes the idea] that every man who is remotely successful seems to be a cheater, and that only homely, unsuccessful, and unappealing guys are faithful. Coupled with the decline in marriage, the rising percentage of single people, and the general popularity of bachelorhood in big cities, it seems like the playing field is terrible for women.

Oh, Baby, are you singing my song.

Yes, pop culture definitely romanticizes bad boys, rogues, and playboys. If you believe what you see on Access Hollywood or even in the mainstream press, men are simply incapable of remaining faithful to one woman for very long (that's the successful ones; as you mentioned, the losers don't seem to have any choice).

I've given lots of thought to one of the men you mentioned: Mick Jagger. As recently as a couple of months ago, I read an article about him slyly sliding his hand (which probably looks like a boiled chicken at this point) along some woman's bottom while his current girlfriend's head was turned. All I could think of was, Ewwww.

I mean, look at Mick Jagger. Look at him in 1964, for Pete's sake. Can you imagine shagging this guy? He's about as appealing as a coat hanger.

But as long as he has money, certain women will massage his ego and whatever else (check out a reality show on VH-1 to find out how far women of low self-esteem will go for money or to bask in somebody else's fame). They're not into him because he's loving, or kind, or generous, or funny. He has money. He's famous. He used to be really famous.

Big deal.

Like everybody else, he's going to die one day. What's his legacy? Shagging a bunch of women who didn't love him? Being in a band where the real talent was Keith Richards (for evidence, I submit Richards' solo CD Talk Is Cheap) and Charlie Watts?

Okay, I'm getting off the subject here. Pop culture does indeed glorify the promiscuous man, and I made the leap you're making: The playing field is bad for women. I went around pretty much expecting men to cheat on me. Guess what? They pretty much did.

And then I decided to have a good look around. Maybe if I could change my beliefs about men, I could change the type of man I attracted.

I did have one friend with the scary type of father who liked to ogle teenage girls, but just one. My own father (and his father) considered such behavior embarrassing and "disgusting." A man my father goes to Giant games maintains that a guy his age dating a much-younger woman is also "disgusting." (For the record, my father once caught a still-swinging single, age 50+ Warren Beatty in an interview. "I'm not listening to this schmuck," he said and changed the channel.)

So, not all men are buying this promiscuity-makes-the-man nonsense (oh, and in case you're wondering, my father and his friend absolutely don't qualify as homely or unsuccessful).

Before I became engaged to my husband, I asked him about his parents' marriage. Wanted to know how his father behaved while his mother wasn't around. Peter told me an anecdote that convinced him (and me) that his father not only didn't mess around, he didn't find it honorable or attractive, either.

Over the years, I've known men who feel its their God-given right to inhabit strip clubs and do as they please, but they always seem a bit desperate and unsatisfied. I had a good guy friend who used to sleep around to beat the band. He couldn't go home unless he'd found a woman to share his bed for the night. He had quite a reputation.

One night, I asked him about it. He said something to the effect that he did it to achieve some warped kind of acceptance, and that the sex was never very good. He also reported that he woke up feeling "empty."

Since I've been married, some of our friends have divorced. In only one case, male infidelity caused the rift in the marriage. We have one good male friend who broke up with his longtime live-in girlfriend after she cheated on (and devastated) him. A mutual male friend had this to say on the subject: "These idiots (meaning the guy's girlfriend) watch TV and see all these people having affairs, and they think it's real. They think it's normal."

But it's not.

During my lunch hour one day after I'd become engaged, I stood in a newspaper shop in the Empire State Building reading an article by Father Andrew Greeley, who addressed this subject. (I wish I had it to quote it now.) He wrote that media reports about infidelity are greatly exaggerated. Most married people don't cheat.

This gave me comfort then, and it gives me comfort now.

But here's the thing: If you truly desire a monogamous partner, believe that it's possible that a man exists who will be that monogamous partner. Look, all the attractive people in the world will not slide off the planet the day you get married. After you get married, you will be attracted to other people. Your husband will be attracted to other people. It's human nature.

But it's the nature of a good human to consider the feelings of one's husband or wife, and not to feed temptation. Believe that a human with this nature exists for you, will be faithful to you, and hopes you will remain faithful to him, too.

For more on this subject, click here. And here.

Single Women Rule

Dear Terry:

I found a man who understands me, loves me a lot, and always wants to be by my side. That is what I thought I wanted all this while, but now it's boring and bothering me.

-Disappointed

Dear Disappointed-

I see two possibilities here:

1) This guy isn't the right guy for you, or 2) you've allowed herself to be sold on the fairy tale of the knight in shining armor when you never really wanted it in the first place.

If this guy isn't the right one for you, let him down gently and move on. See how you feel without him at your elbow for a while. If you think you're ready to meet somebody else, circulate, but instead you may find you're relieved and happier on your own.

Either way, it's a great thing to know what you want in life. So many of us wander the planet unable to decide what's for dinner, let alone if we want to date a particular guy or even if we want to date at all.

If you determine that long-term relationships leave you cold, it's time to find your real passion in life. We all have one, so embark on the heady adventure of finding yours.

In the past few months, Keysha Whitaker and I have gotten together to develop a new website, Single Women Rule, which is definitely a work-in-progress. While the site does contain relationship advice, our mission is to encourage single women to revel in life's magic and be truly fulfilled whether or not the knight in shining (or newly refurbished) armor ever arrives.

One goal is to build a global network of single women who can call upon each other for fun, travel, friendship, careers, and whatever else that interests them. We're also partnering with businesses to offer our subscribers discounts, and we plan to do features on single women who live their passions every single day.

I hope you'll join us.

Some Men Really Know How to Commit

You hear so much in the media about men who don't want to commit, so let me share a story a financial planner in my networking group told me.

Two of her clients, a married couple, were about to retire when the husband's company offered him an opportunity to work in China. They readily agreed to take it and set up housekeeping on the other side of the planet. After a while, the couple's very American son came to visit and fell in love with a Chinese woman. The parents eventually returned to the US. The son, however, married the object of his affection and remained in China.

Some commitment, eh?

This story reminded me of something I heard years ago on Inis Mor, a beautiful and rugged island off the coast of Galway, Ireland. Our tour guide, Dan Flaherty, told us that among Inis Mor's 900 residents existed a California native, a man who came to the island and fell in love with a local woman, married her, and made his home there. According to Dan, Inis Mor acquired access to electricity in 1975, so this was a pretty big deal.

Date Rape

I found the following disturbing anonymous comment on a previous post, and I thought it deserved a post of its own:

"I just need to vent something. This guy I met online took me on a date and basically raped me. I don't know if anyone knows him but now I think I might be pregnant by him. He told me he had a girlfriend and he doesn't want to see me anymore. Can someone give me advice? I want to find this bastard. He ruined my life. He lives in California."

I am so sorry to hear of your ordeal. What you've described is beyond horrible. Please contact the national rape crisis hotline (1.800.656.HOPE) immediately or visit their website . The people there are trained to guide you through what must be an extremely difficult time.

Loving Means Allowing Yourself to Be Vulnerable

Hi, Terry-

Here's a quote from one of your emails:

"After a lot of soul-searching, I determined that I was afraid to fall in love, or to become dependent on the love of a wonderful man who might someday get sick or die or otherwise disappoint me."

How did you overcome this? I would be very interested in your response.

Cheers
S


Hello, S-

Thanks for writing.

Getting over my fear of losing a loved one definitely took sustained effort. In retrospect, I believe my quest for love was profoundly hindered by my terror of losing it.

At one point, I sat down and asked myself what was the worst thing that could happen if my husband suddenly died, for example. I wrote everything that came to mind down and thought about it. I mean, falling in love requires vulnerability, and there are never any guarantees in life for any of us.

Even after Peter and I were happily dating, and it became clear that we were headed for marriage, I'd stand on the train platform and suddenly be overcome with the terrifying fear that he'd die suddenly (his brother died suddenly of an aneurysm at age 20, my grandmother lost her husband to cancer in his mid-forties), and I'd have to remind myself: There are no guarantees in life.

For some reason, knowing that the playing field is level in that way for all of us (no matter what we do, where we live, or how much money we make) gave me comfort, and it encouraged me to keep picturing a happy future. I also reminded myself of my own strength, and that if I did suffer the loss of my husband, it would be painful but I did possess the emotional and mental resources to eventually move on.

Every now and then, I remind myself that none of us is going to live forever. It helps me not to take the good things in my life (my husband, children) for granted.

Does this help? I truly hope so!

-Terry

Getting Over a Breakup

The other night I watched Lipstick Jungle (I like the clothes, okay?).

One of the storylines involves the breakup of a lead character and her boyfriend, Joe Bennett, played by Andrew McCarthy (I like Andrew McCarthy, too). To get over him, she throws herself into another relationship. He starts stalking her a bit, and she tells him, "I'm over you."

Whether she really is or isn't remains to be seen. I can't imagine Andrew McCarthy being thrown to the wind so early in only the second season of the series, but if she is truly over him, she's a better woman than I am (although, in real life, his controlling tendencies would be a turn-off).

So how do you fall out of love or get over a person who's hurt you? It comes down to discipline, the refusal to wallow in past memories and to get on with life. People who succeed in moving on from a once-splendid love affair accept that it's over. They banish the formerly beloved's image from their minds whenever it tries to creep in.

It doesn't necessarily mean they bounce from the old relationship to a new one. A broken-hearted woman might use the opportunity to travel, focus on getting a promotion at work, or taking up a sport or hobby which will keep her mind off the lost love and introduce her to new people who, incidentally, will also keep her mind off the lost love.

I love reading success stories. I came upon one by a woman who tells how she is reveling in the freedom of finally getting over her first love. Scroll down a bit and read it here.

Should She Give Him Another Chance?

Terry,

I'm on the internet dating circuit. I have started to become disillusioned with the men I have been meeting..until last night...I met a guy who was gorgeous..the coffee date turned into us talking for hours and ended with a pretty passionate kiss at my car, before I headed for home alone.

He asked to see me again tonight..he realised that it was short notice, and that he would phone to organise what we would do tonight. I agreed.

Awoke this morning to a text message that he sent at 8 am, informing me that he had enjoyed our chat, but he was no longer available for tonight.

I have not responded..and don't intend to. He's lost my interest.
What perplexes me is the opinion of my female friends, who say they would give him another chance..they feel I am being too hard on him.

What are your thoughts Terry and how would you respond if he were to contact me again ?

Sian

Hi, Sian-

I don't think you're being to hard on him. He asked you out. And then text-messaged you, what, eight or 10 hours later to say, "Sorry, not available." I do think that kind of message warrants a phone call. And some kind of explanation.

I guess the real question here is: Would you cancel a date via text message? If you would, it's possible I'm being unreasonable. But my credo when it comes to dating is, "Treat him as you would have him treat you, and if he doesn't treat you as you would treat him, it may be time to hit the exit."

I don't know the man, but sometimes men will ask you for a second date just to see if they "passed the audition." Once they're satisfied they did (and they've gotten the attendant ego boost), they're off and running to their next possibility. And then there are men who just don't know how to close a date without saying, "I'll call you." Or, in your case, "I know it's short notice, but let's get together tomorrow night."

The next time a guy asks you out for tomorrow night, do yourself a favor and make yourself busy. I'm not advocating playing games here, but all of us -- women and men-- like to think we're in the running for some slightly-out-of-reach prize. So make yourself slightly out of reach. Don't be available tomorrow, but do indicate interest by suggesting you could be available later in the week.

If you're so inclined, and this man does contact you again (and has a good explanation for the sudden blow-off), you might give him that second chance. But, again, only if you're so inclined.

And definitely not this week.

What Do His Mixed Signals Mean?

Dear Terry:

I met this guy online some months back. And since the day we've met, there hasn't been a day he hasn't messaged me. It could be about nothing, but his intention I believe is to have me remember that he is there or to keep me on a string.

We had a rather physical relationship early in our relationship. It was then we had to confront issues we were not ready to confront. I wanted to know where we were heading (mistake!!) and the obvious response was that he was not ready for a relationship and he mumbled about how work takes priorty.

A few weeks after that, he talked about his ex-girlfriend wanting to get back together, and he says he still has feelings for her.

After all this has been said to me, I tried to keep my distance. I like the guy ..yes.. but I will never initiate a phone message, call or a date. He still consistently calls, messages and ask me out regularly.

What I found odd, was that many times when I am out with him, he would have his colleagues, old buddies showing up joining us for activities. I really enjoy the company, but what puzzles me is his overt displays of affection with me in their presence.

While we are in the presence of his friends and colleagues, it seems that he wants the others to know that we are an "item" - but yes, he has no interest to talk to me about a commitment, especially with his ex-girlfrend in the background of all this!

His colleagues and friends sees me so often that they might think we are an "item' and are starting to get comfortable with me...

I am confused that I am getting a lot of mixed signals.

My Questions are:

- If he doesn't like me, would he take me out to meet his friends and colleagues (with the physical affections)?

- If he doesn't like me, would he message everyday and see me at least twice a week (strangely never on weekends - perhaps its our traveling schedule)

-If he "likes" me and "respects" me, would he make me drop him and his friends off at some girlie bar to celebrate one of the boy's departure to another city?

(Do you think making me drive them there was disrepectful, or was it just honesty on his part knowing that it only a boy's night out, and I should not think too much about it...)

-What do you think?

Dear Think:

I have a question for you: When Prince Charming made you drop him and his friends off at the girlie bar, did he offer to pay for gas?

And now I'll tell you what I think: I think this man thinks about himself. I think he likes his friends to see him with you because it makes him look good. I think he messages you constantly because he does indeed want to keep you on the string.

You mention that he invites his friends along whenever you're supposed to be on a date, and then he lavishes you with affection. This is strange behavior. He should be lavishing you with affection while he's staring into your eyes over dinner for two, not over a game of pool with his buddies.

One thing that stood out about your letter (and I've changed it because it drove me crazy) is that you do not capitalize the "I" pronoun. You are an "I," not an "i," and I wonder if you in your heart of hearts believe you are an "i," and you let other treat you as such.

You are an "I!"

Forget about whether Mr. Frenetic Text Messager respects you or likes you. Ask yourself whether someone much more important respects you and likes you, and I mean YOU!

If you loved yourself the way you should love yourself, believe me, you wouldn't give a guy like this the time of day, let alone drive him and his pals to a strip club.

YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS!

And don't get me started on the specter of the alluring ex-girlfriend. Let the guy do you a favor and go back to her (if she even exists). This person is not worth your time. You would be better off gorging yourself every weekend on silly People magazines than wasting another minute with him.

You say that you refuse to initiate contact with him. Good for you. But why are you agreeing to go out with him at all?

Please, please, please put a higher value on yourself. Women who value themselves do not date men like the one you describe. You must raise your standards.

This man's behavior is nothing short of appalling, and you deserve better. Ultimately, you won't find a man who's capable of it until you believe that.

He Broke Up With Her, and Now He Might Be Sorry

Hi Terry:

I don't even know if you will get this e-mail, but I really need some advice.

My ex( I was with him for almost 3 years) has contacted me again. He broke up with me in June, saying he "might be getting back with ANOTHER EX". Needless to say I was devastated but tried to keep my composure and dignity. No tears, pleading or meltdown.

I wished him luck and told him I would not be contacting him after this. Two weeks later he called to see how I was doing. I texted him and asked him to please leave me alone.

Fast forward to yesterday two months later from the last call. He called again last night and left a message. I think of you multiple many times etc, etc. Should I return his call? One of my GFs saw a woman pulling into his driveway last night as well. WHAT TO DO?

Thanks,
M.

P.S. I do miss him but he hurt me terribly.
P.P.S. I am 50 years old, and he is 45, if that makes a difference.

Dear M.-

I seriously doubt your ages have anything to do with this. Some people start pulling this I-want-my-cake-and-to-eat-it-too nonsense around their 13th birthdays and never grow out of it.

I'm sure your ex had many attractive qualities (or you wouldn't be writing about him), but let's face it, his behavior seems a bit childish.

He's certainly very ME-oriented, isn't he? He broke up with you because another deal crossed (or, in this case, recrossed) his path. Now he's with her, and he's not sure if he let a better deal (that would be you) slip away.

You've asked him to get lost, and so far, he hasn't respected your wishes. Again, it's all about him and his feelings. Who cares if he hurt you? He's not sure he made the right decision, so it's very important that he keep you on the hook if he ever decides to go back to you.

Let me say here that I really respect the dignity you've shown in not crying or carrying on and letting him do what he felt he needed to do. Now, if only he would show you the same consideration.

I would not call him if I were you. I understand that you miss him, and he hurt you terribly. You must have shared some happy times together. But what if you call him back, and he decides he wants you back, and you let your guard down and go back to him, and then, well, he runs into some other woman he knew from high school, and he decides he might want to try things with her?

Do you see where I'm going with this?

Ultimately, whether you go back to this guy is up to you, but I certainly wouldn't make it easy for him. The next time you're tempted to pick up the phone (or to listen to some message he's left for you for the eighth time), get a pen and write down every last thing you dislike about him. Recall all those annoying little habits of his that drove you crazy when you were together.

Then read that list slowly and carefully. Stick it on your fridge. Let its contents turn over in your mind for a few days. With any luck, you'll come to the conclusion that you're way out of Mr. Wishy Washy's league, which will allow you to make room in your life for more considerate people and happier relationships.

I wish you the very best of everything. Thanks for writing.

Law of Attraction in Action

It's been my experience that what I focus on tends to appear in my life.

I focused on attracting a certain type of man and married him. I focused on living in a particular type of neighborhood (that I wasn't even sure even existed at the time) and moved there (Peter's brother's family liked it enough to join us a couple of years later). I focused on my husband finding a certain type of vehicle in a particular price range, and we found it.

Well, here's the latest story:

For the past few years, I've had to pass a beautiful old house after picking up my daughters from an after-school program. The house was probably built in the mid-1800s, with weathered gray panels of narrow wood and thin-paned windows the owners illuminate at twilight with single candles. It's surrounded by an old rock wall.

Every time I passed it, I told the girls, "I wonder what it's like on the inside. I wonder what the people who own it are like."

Two weeks ago, Peter and the girls went out for a ride. I started my workout, and the phone rang. It was my brother-in-law calling to tell me that some woman called him to ask if he were the father of Margaret MacDonald. For some reason, this girl's mail keeps arriving at her house.

My brother-in-law told her he wasn't Margaret's father, but his brother was. He called me to tell us to pick up Maggie's mail at this woman's house. By the way, her name is completely different from ours, and there is absolutely no explanation for the mix-up in the addresses. We have different house numbers, for one thing, and our streets don't even start with the same letter.

I thanked my brother-in-law and called Peter on his cell. He said he'd pick up the mail (yay!), and I went back to my workout.

Peter came home.

"You know that old house you're always talking about?" he said.

"Yeah."

"We were in it. The lady who had Maggie's mail owns it. She just gave us a tour. It has a birthing room."

"Get out of here."

"I'm serious, and when I told her how much you like the place, she said she'll give you a tour, too."

He gave me the woman's phone number. I gave her a call. Turns out she's a documentarian who's looking for venues to show a recent project. Turns out I might be able to help her through a networking group I run.

I invited her to one of our meetings. She showed up (she's absolutely lovely). And now I'm going to take her up on that invitation to see her beautiful house.

A Story to Make a Heart Sing

Today I deliberately tuned in to Oprah to watch her interview with Jenny McCarthy, the actress and autism research activist. I'm very interested in children with autism, so I read Jenny's book, Louder Than Words, over the summer. It poignantly (and inspiringly) describes her experiences as a mother of a child afflicted with the condition.

Midway through Oprah, Ms. Winfrey brought Jenny's boyfriend, Jim Carrey, on for what would be Jenny and Jim's first interview together. Oprah asked Jenny how she thought it would be possible to meet a man who'd be up for a relationship with a woman with her considerable responsibilities.

Jenny said something to the effect of, "I prayed for someone like Jim. I prayed for a very loving man."

Oprah asked Jim his take. He advised women to think in terms of what they want in a relationship, not in terms of what they don't want. He maintained that if the universe can provide galaxies and stars and a whole lot of other things, it can provide you with the right partner. Read the full quote here. It's a good one.

What About Love? Psychics Say Their Clients Have Bigger Fish to Fry

Happened upon an interesting story in yesterday's New York Times, in which psychics say their clients, most of whom used to fixate on their love lives, are now not so interested in their love lives.

According to the article by Lily Koppel:

“It used to be always love, love, love. Now it’s money, money, money,” said Mary T. Browne, who was once described by Forbes magazine as “Wall Street’s psychic adviser,” because she counts people with financial sector jobs, as well as celebrities, among her clients. “You can’t think about love when you can’t pay the rent. Love is great until you’re focused on survival, but no one seems to have a safe haven anymore.”

You can read the whole piece by clicking here.

More About Dating a Widower

I received this comment recently to my post about Dating a Widower:

Help me somebody ! I have been searching for advice on dating a widower for days now and this is the only one that truly hit the mark! EXCELLENT ADVICE.

Terry, how far do we step back to give him time to properly grieve? Realize that it all depends on the individual and our circumstance are slightly different.

After being the sole caregiver for over 10 years to my mom and he having cared for his wife while working from home for 8 years, we met through a mutual friend who saw that both of us needed to get out of the house.

We met 4 month after his wife passed and 3 weeks after Mom. We quickly became intimate within the first week of dating. Although our dates have mostly consist of going shopping at Lowes while redecorating his home. Sticky for both of us which is why I have stepped back to allow space for him to dismantle visible touches of his wife throughout the house.

He does not appear to be the least bit apprehensive about moving on. It's been 2 months since we met and we're planning a weekend trip this coming weekend, which happens to be his wife's birthday.

We both realize that we entered into this relationship from different places and that I desire more then he's prepared to give, yet my stepping back seems to threaten him. Hoping not to step back too far and give another the opportunity for this caring, loving man.

Justified

Dear Justified:

Thanks very much for the kind words. Just to be clear, I'm not a psychologist or a bereavement counselor, but as usual I have an opinion on everything.

After serving as the sole caregiver to your mother for over 10 years, I imagine her death brought with it a ton of feelings, including sadness and perhaps anger and relief. It also had to leave a giant hole in your life.

Three weeks after your mother's death, a seemingly great man walks into your life and fills that hole. And makes you happy. And makes you feel electrifyingly alive.

But you say you want more than he does from the relationship. You say that he seems threatened when you step back in an effort to protect yourself.

I don't know this man, so I don't know if he's really motivated to move on, or if he's wacking his way through grief with a machete. I am less concerned about him because you're the one who's been asked (whether verbally or not) not to move forward but not to move back, either.

I wish I could cast a spell that would give me the solution to your problem (seriously, I do). Instead, I'm going to ask you to take extremely good care of yourself. You've spent much of your life in service to another person (and good for you; the world needs more people like you). But it's time to look after yourself.

This is critical. You've spent 10 years of your life taking care of someone else. That means you are used to taking care of someone else. It comes naturally to you. Taking care of yourself? Well, that may not come naturally to you at all.

See this man, sure, but don't fall into the trap of spending all your time with him. Give him a chance to be that loving and caring man you describe, but be open to the possibility that there's another man out there for you.

This is your time to rediscover the interests that fell away when you took full responsibility for your mother, so please rediscover them. If that means playing tennis, play tennis. If it means writing fiction, join a writers' group. If it means antique cars, join a club that caters to people who are into classic automobiles. Your friend had it right: Keep getting out of the house.

I really hope this helps, and if you'd like, please give me an update on the weekend away.

Readers, any advice you'd like to share with Justified? Please leave a comment.

More About Law of Attraction and Love

Dear Terry:

I've been reading your book, in which you suggest setting a wedding date in your mind before you do the exercises.

I do not want to set a wedding date because I will have my hopes crushed, and I will accuse myself of self-sabotage. Any thoughts on this?

-Skittish

Dear Skittish-

I have a few thoughts on this.

First off, I wish you would not accuse yourself of anything, let alone self-sabotage. Just go about the exercises satisfied that you're doing you're best. I suspect you tend to be hard on yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself.

If you don't want to "set" a wedding date, don't do it. When you do the rest of the exercises, be present, use all your senses, etc. See the scene from the outside (as if you're watching a movie), and then feel it from the inside (put yourself in the movie).

As far as self-sabotage is concerned, self-awareness is helpful (as opposed to accusation and condemnation). If you put a wedding date on paper, and you find yourself getting scared, make sure the fear you're experiencing is fear of failure and not fear of success.

A lot of women who say they want to be married are indeed very, very fearful of being married (I was, that's for sure). Marriage for a woman implies a possible loss of identity, freedom, or that they'll end up in something that resembles their parents' relationship, so definitely explore the possibility that you may be afraid of commitment.

And if you discover this is true, it's a good thing because you can face your fears (do you have to lose your identity, for instance? Are all married couples really bored out of their minds?)If you identify your fears, you can face them and ultimately eliminate a lot of them. Use your fears to help you discover what you want in a marriage or a relationship. If you know what you want, you exponentially increase your chances of getting it.

Let me emphasize that you don't have to set a wedding date. I set one because it helped ground the exercises for me and gave them a heightened sense of reality. Please know that I did not get married on the date I set on paper (it functioned merely as a ballpark figure).

But do ask yourself: What do I want in a man? In a relationship? Write out a scene of an ordinary day together. Visualize it. Feel it. Smell it. Hear it. Taste it.

And feel yourself thanking God for it.

More About Calling Men

A reader asked for clarification on a previous post:

Does the "calling ritual" change if the man has a full plate (deaths, family illness, and depressed friends)?

-Anonymous


Keep this in mind, Anonymous:

When in doubt, treat a man as you would have him treat you, and if he's not treating you as you would treat him, it's time to reconsider the relationship.

At the end of the day, everybody needs a friend. If a guy you've been seeing is going through a tough time, absolutely check in on him.

Ask him how he's doing. Tell him you're available if he wants to talk. After you hang up, wait and see if he takes you up on it.

The calling ritual, as far as I'm concerned, is give and take. For example, if he says he'll call, let him call. If you say you'll call, call. Then let him call next time.

(Some women call and call and call, never giving a guy a chance to call them. They confuse a series of text messages with a relationship. This is a mistake.)

Be willing to care, but you have to be willing to let the guy show you he cares, too.

The writer of the letter to which I responded wants to pursue a commitment on the fourth date. I wouldn't want anybody asking me for a commitment on the fourth date.

Whether a guy or a girl does the asking on a fourth date, it's usually too early. I mean, how well do you know a person on a fourth date? For all you know, the person may harbor repellent political views (or worse).

I'd definitely progress with a "this is fun, but let's wait and see how it goes" attitude.

If I led you to believe that the man should always be in the driver's seat, I'm sorry.

That's definitely not my philosophy!

Must You Kiss a Man Whose Teeth Float in a Bowl?

I work from home, which affords me the opportunity to indulge in a guilty pleasure, namely watching The View. It doesn't matter who you're backing in the current presidential election; the ladies' (as ABC calls them) interview with John McCain on Friday offered probably the most revealing picture of a candidate I've seen since this never-ending campaign began.

At the end of today's show, Barbara Walters mentioned she'd been to a wedding over the weekend, where she met a 48-year-old woman and her date, a 73-year-old man. Barbara made a comment to the effect of, "Is this what it's come to?" and added that she's been told that 50-year-old men insist on dating 35-year-olds, and it's just harder for women to find men their own ages after they get out of their 20s.

I wonder about this.

Seriously. I suppose if you're a vain, image-conscious man with perhaps a lot of money but not much interest in spending valuable time with a human being you might actually have something in common with, you might risk looking sad and silly with a woman young enough to be your daughter.

But I haven't seen much evidence of this in my own life. One widower I know (age 77) even resisted hanging around with an attractive, financially independent 63-year-old woman because he was afaid she might be too young for him. (Friends and family have since convinced him it's cool to date her; she could be his younger sister, for Pete's sake, not his daughter.)

This is the same guy whose grammar school buddy (yeah, he still hangs out with the fellows from grammar school) thinks the sight of a turkey-necked old man with a young woman is "disgusting."

So don't believe everything you see on TV. Not every guy wants to date a woman whose Pampers he could have changed (although Mick Jagger will not fall into this category).

About eight years ago, a good guy friend of ours, broke up with a longtime girlfriend at age 37. He gave himself time to mourn the loss of the relationship. When he decided he wanted to take another stab at romance, he joined the Adirondack Club because he likes the outdoors and hoped to meet a woman who also enjoyed them. Then he took a cooking class because he loves to cook and hoped to meet a woman he could have fun with in the kitchen.

Eventually, he met a series of women, all of whom were a couple of years younger or older than him. He dated an older woman until she accepted a promotion out of state. Then he met, fell in love with, and married a woman just a year younger than him. They'll celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary next Sunday.

In my experience, men who want to date women around their own ages are the rule, not the exception.

Marriage and Money

After Peter and I announced our engagement, his uncle warned us that finances would be a major factor in whether our marriage lasted. He urged us to set goals for saving and plan for spending, but we pretty much blew him off. What did he know? He wasn't a financial planner. He was a Catholic priest.

But it turns out the man was right (about this and a number of other things).

Peter's a spender, and I'm a saver, so we've had to learn to work together (we're still learning). An article in the New York Times seconds his uncle's advice, although the bit it includes about running your marriage like a business sounds tooth-grindingly dull. I can't imagine that would result in a lot of passion and laughter.

However, a financial planner I've become friendly with reported he has one client who makes a 400K annually but is 100K in debt. From the outside, Mr. Four-Hundred-Thousand-Dollar-Bar probably looks like the picture of success, but being married to him would probably mean a lifetime of lying awake waiting for the repo man to come screeching up for the Bentley. Which probably wouldn't result in a lot of passion and laughter, either.

Meet 50 Men in 100 Days?

Yikes!

That's the challenge my friend and colleague, Dating Coach Ronnie Ann Ryan, posed to her clients over the summer.

I'm on the shy side (seriously, I spent much of freshman year in high school practicing looking people in the eye), so the idea of meeting 50 new people in such a short time sounds daunting, but Ronnie reports that women experience remarkable shifts in their beliefs and behaviors when it comes to meeting and interacting with men.

Over coffee yesterday, she explained, "The challenge is to meet 50 men in 100 days. A simple conversation counts. The idea is to get women open to meeting men, approaching them, talking to them, flirting with them and taking a risk. Plus, when you talk to that many men, you just start to feel more alluring and better about yourself."

Because the first challenge was so successful, she's going to launch another one beginning September 28th. The cost of the program includes:

-Five one hour group coaching sessions (9/28, 10/19, 11/9, 11/30, and 12/14 from 8:00-9:00pm ET)

- Once weekly emails to answer participants' questions between phone sessions

- Ronnie's audio program I Believe, Affirmations to Attract Love Now

- Her how-to book MANifesting Mr. Right .

Register by September 14th for a considerable discount. For more information, click here.

For more about Ronnie's book, MANifesting Mr. Right, click here.

How Often Should a Man Call?

Terry-

How often should a guy call in the begining...after 1 or 2 dates?
How would I know if it is getting to be serious? Should I ask him our 4th date?

-Just wondering

Dear Wondering-

I wouldn't start counting calls after one or two dates. If he calls, and you like him, make plans to go out. After one or two dates, you should be getting to know him, not pinning your hopes on marrying or "getting serious" with him.

I definitely would not ask a guy his intentions on the fourth date. It's possible he's still doing what you should be doing; i.e., getting to know an attractive new person.

You can pretty much tell that someone has decided to take things to the next level when he calls to get together as often as possible (as opposed to merely texting you or calling to vent about his day). The man will leave little doubt in your mind that he wants to be in your company.

He will communicate his affection for you clearly. If he starts thinking about commitment, believe me, he'll let you know. He won't risk letting you think he doesn't care and losing you!

In the meantime, keep your options open. Keep dating. Meet new people. Who knows? You might meet someone you like even better than this guy.

Yes!

So, instead of focusing on the frequency of his phone calls and how soon you can get him to commit to you, sit back and decide whether or not he's truly the kind of person you want to spend your time with. Worry less about what he thinks about you and more about what you think about him.

Besides, if he picks up the vibe that you're focused on landing some man, rather than getting to know and perhaps developing a real and lasting affection for him, you very well may send him screeching in the other direction.

Easy Does it When it Comes to Affirmation and Visualization

Hello Terry,

Reading your ebook, I had some questions about setting a wedding date. I think for now, I have to start from the ground up and focus on internalizing the belief that I am okay just the way I am (don't need to be skinnier, more successful, etc., to attract a good guy). Perhaps when I am sure about this, it will become easier for me to believe that I'll actually find someone for me. One step at a time?

-Curious


Hello, Curious-

The most important step is to picture the end result you desire. Setting a wedding date helps because it helps you stay focused on your goal, but you can supplement it by picturing other goals, too (moving into your first house together, dancing at your 15th wedding anniversary), and let things fall into place from there.

Keep visualizing and feeling yourself with this person you are putting together in your imagination (based on the qualities you've listed, a man who loves you just as you are. Be open to the possibility that a man exists who will love you just as you are. If you're not open to this possibility, ask yourself why).

In the meantime, use an affirmation ("I, ____________, deeply and completely love and accept myself"). Take care of your appearance, absolutely, but please know that being a size 0, making a million dollars a year, and being the best-looking woman in the room have very little to do with attracting and keeping the right guy.

If you're going to read women's magazines, please do so only to get ideas about clothing you might like to buy, not about what you should look or be like to make yourself worthy of marriage or a steady boyfriend. If you find yourself feeling inadequate after reading women's magazines (and who doesn't?), you may be better off taking fashion clues from mail order catalogs.

If the idea of setting a wedding date scares you, ask yourself why. Write all your fears down. Face them head on. Are they rational or irrational? If they're rational, can they be avoided? If they can't be avoided, what's the worst that could happen?

Remember, easy does it. Whatever you do, don't put undue pressure on yourself about doing things "right." List the qualities you'd like in a man, write your affirmations and visualize, identify and face your fears, and remind yourself that you're okay the exactly the way you are.

Terry

Satisfying Relationships Require Compromise, Not Ultimatums

Hi Terry,

I have just discovered your blog and I love it! It is great how you empower women and share their struggles and show that yes, in fact, we can find the right one.

I am one of the many who are still searching for Mr. Right. I thought I had the right guy, but, things ended in a fury of disappointment, sadness, and mislead expectations. What is your opinion on ultimatums? You have mentioned the woman giving the ultimatum about marriage, but this is the man giving an ultimatum.

The man I was dating was what I thought of as "the one." We met in graduate school, and he is from one part of the US, and I am from another(near where we went to school). We had dated about one year, and it was pretty serious. We contemplated marriage and had looked at engagement rings, etc. We both are very close with our families, and I knew that after school, he wanted to move back to his hometown to eventually take over the family business and help out his aging parents (he is the only one).

I understood his reasons, and know that they are very important to him. We had all sorts of fun together over the past year, but, as time went on, it was clear he was moving back to his town, and wanted me to move there, as well. I considered the idea, had some reservations about when I would see my family, what compromises he would make for me, etc. I chose to look into the move, researched apartments, jobs, etc.

The problem was, I never felt supported and did not feel that he really understood what a HUGE undertaking it would be for me to move my entire life, start a new career, and have to make all new friends down in a new town and culture, when he was going back to his old friends and life. He wasn't putting himself in my shoes. We started fighting a lot, and everytime I tried to discuss things, it would be the same argument over and over again.

I tried to make him see that I was willing to move there, but I needed to feel that he was supportive of me, and that he would commit to me, not just the zip code we were moving to. He told me he never could even consider moving to another place even if I didn't like the area (I didn't think I wouldn't like it, but, I had to see both sides of it). Basically, I needed to know that he would be there for me, and that if the tables were to turn, he would do the same for me. I never quite felt that from our discussions and arguments.

He even went as far as buying a house to "surprise" me with, saying it was "for us," etc. In our fights, he didn't fight fair...he was always trying to make me feel bad for not moving, making sarcastic comments about my family and how I "would never leave them," etc. He said that he was going to be in his home city, and if I wasn't going to be there, he needed to "move on."

I was so shocked by all of this, because for the first 9 months of our relationship, it was great. He never treated me like that. Anyway, this fighting went on for a couple of months, and I could tell he was distancing himself, he wasn't telling me the normal everyday things in our life, etc. I finally brought it up again, and he eventually gave me an ultimatum in the middle of yet another fight, saying if I didn't move there, we were over.

I mulled over it for 2 weeks....because, I was willing to move, the city was wonderful, I loved the area, I knew we were considering marriage, and I knew that you have to give of yourself in a marriage. All of the other things added up in the relationship...he was funny, nice (when we weren't fighting), had money, got along well with my family and friends. I ended up breaking it off with him, because I felt like it was all about his life, and his plan, and then he wanted me to be the "girl" to fit in the picture. We went back and forth in "discussions" for the next month and a half while broken up...and I was miserable. He had moved 2 months before we broke up, and was going on with his life.

I was so upset that I went down there after a month of being single (because he asked me to), to see if we could work things out. He said he had thought a lot about things, and was wanting to work it out. Well, I went down there, and nothing had changed, he still had the same thoughts about everything. I came back, and sent him a letter explaining my feelings and how I love him, but, I cannot be with someone who said he won't compromise for my happiness, if I should need it, down the road. I never heard back from him in and it's been over a month and I'm upset all the time. I wonder if I made a mistake...I wonder that if I had just moved there, would things have been fixed and we would be just like we had been before? I am on my own now, starting a new job in a new town (still in the area where we attended school) and I am so lonely, I am upset a lot.

I miss him, but I wonder, why didn't he fight for me? Why did he have to give me the ultimatum? If I was really the one he wanted to marry and live with for the rest of his life, why would he just let me go? I was willing to move there, but, I couldn't get him to understand that I needed his support and love for moving there, instead of fighting with me and ultimatums. If you could offer any advice, I would be greatly appreciative.

Thanks,
-A

Dear A-

Thanks for the very kind words.

I don't like ultimatums, no matter who's delivering them. They tend to be used by controlling people, and I'd say your ex-boyfriend definitely qualifies as controlling (Exhibit A: that scary little detail you included about him surprising you with a house).

I'm very sorry about your situation. You obviously loved this guy a great deal, and it hurts when things don't work out the way they could have (if only the guy had his head on straight). I'm sending good thoughts your way.

But I have to congratulate you for your excellent instincts and also for having the sense to follow them. Another person in your situation would have told herself she was being selfish or silly, and besides, the guy makes great money so she might as well be grateful and go for it.

You did the wise thing.

If you'd ignored that clanging bell in your head and followed him down to his great life in his great town and his great friends, sooner or later you'd be kicking yourself. His sarcastic comments about your family (you know, those people you love and would no longer be able to see) would come back to haunt you. They would eat you from the inside out.

And if you didn't find a job you loved, or if you didn't make friends as easily as you'd hoped, you'd be sorry about that, too. You would rightfully start to resent this man for snatching you away from everything you held dear, and you would probably begin to hate him.

Sure, it's possible you could temporarily distract yourself by fixing up a house and raising a couple of kids, but soon enough it would burn you that your old friends wouldn't be able to visit your house. And you'd hate it that your family would have to watch your children grow up through emailed photographs.

I don't know why this guy didn't fight for you, but be glad he showed his limitations now instead of later. Can you imagine being married to him and having life be all about him, him, him? His career, the restaurants where he wants to eat, the friends he wants to see?

What a drag.

You're lonely now and perhaps feeling a bit off your game while starting a new job. Please know that eventually the job will get easier. You will feel more comfortable among your new colleagues. You still have your family, and you will make new friends.

You are beginning a new adventure in life, which blessedly does not involve entanglement with a person who consistently puts his wants and needs and happiness above your own. You know that you can do better than him. In time, your strength and confidence will return. You will likely attract men who make your happiness a priority because you will give off a vibe that will let them know that you're not one to waste time with people who don't.

You deserve a pat on the back. I wish you the best in everything life has to offer.

Visualizing for Lasting Love and Romance

Hello, Terry!

I am reading your book and making my "list" right now. I am trying to express "no baggage," "no children," and "no alimony" in a positive way, as you recommended. How would you express this on a list of qualities I'm looking for?

I'm 33 and looking for someone around 3 to 5 years older or younger than me. Is it too hopeful to find a guy in this age bracket without baggage, alimony, or children?

Also, my list has 24 items - is that too much for a list of what I want in a man? My friends tell me that I should not try to find everything I want in one man.

Thank you very much for your help!

-S.

Hello, S.-

I definitely don't think it hurts to write 24 things down on your list. There's no guarantee you'll get everything on it, but it is extremely helpful in getting the important qualitities in a man that will make you happy. It helps you recognize the right man when he shows up. It also helps you eliminate men who will never make you happy.

Be very relaxed when you write your list, and be relaxed as you go about your day. You don't have to look for a man who has the qualities you want; just having those qualities rambling around the back of your mind will make it more likely that man who possesses them will appear in your orbit (and, again, that you'll even be aware of him).

Is it too hopeful to find a man in your desired age bracket? Absolutely not. My sister married a 31-year-old man when she was 35. A good, handsome, well-employed male friend of mine dated a 38-year-old when he was 34 (they broke up because she wasn't ready to get married). He's since moved on and is now happily engaged to someone else who is four years younger than he is. He says that age isn't an issue; compatibility, values, and the ability to have fun are.

As for the wording of your affirmation, you want to narrow it down to express the essence of the qualities you consider critical. You could write something like:

"I, S___________, am happily married to a successful, fun man my age who is utterly devoted to me and to our future together."

He can't be utterly devoted to you and your future if he's encumbered with children, ex-wives, and alimony, can he? This affirmation implies that he's free on all fronts.

It's really important that when you visualize you imagine yourself having fun together alone. Maybe you're in his arms, in front of a fire at a ski resort. Or maybe you're in a playground together, and he's pushing you on a swing in the rain. Bring your senses into the visualization. Smell the laundry soap in his shirt when you put your head on his shoulder. (Putting on your favorite music really helps during these exercises!)

What kinds of things do you like to do? Visualize yourself doing them with this man (and remember, physical details will be sketchy in the beginning. Keep it up; they'll start to fill themselves in.) Blanket yourself in this man's love. What happens next will amaze you.

Good luck and thanks for writing!

Terry

Maybe You're a Late Bloomer

For the past couple of weeks, I've read all sorts of nastiness about Madonna turning 50, but I'll bet she looks a helluva lot better (and is a helluva lot healthier) than the younger people writing that nonsense. She'll probably outlive them, too.

Interestingly, my health-minded friend, Kristen Colello, just tipped me off to a blog by Prill Boyle, a late-bloomer who graduated from college at the age of 38, became an English teacher, and has since written a book detailing the achievements of other late-blooming women entitled Defying Gravity.

Whether you're 20 or 80, check out the blog. I think you'll enjoy it (especially if you're like a friend of mine, who thought she was old at 24). It's definitely more uplifting than getting a facelift.

Stop Dating Time-Wasters

Hi, Terry-

Thanks for the wonderful words aimed at empowering us women to stand up for ourselves and not let men walk over us.

Kindly advise! What is your opinion of men who make promises and never fulfills them? lI met a man who promises to do things for me and ends up not doing anything. He promised to buy me presents for my birthday, but when the day finally came, he didn't even call, let alone buy a single present or card.

He calls to say he is coming to see me, and then he goes quiet and doesn't even call to cancel or apologise. He will call after a few days to say hi and act like all is ok. I similarly met a man who refused to let me visit him at his house. After that, I concluded, he is not worth it.

Regards and thanks once again for all you do!

-Disappointed

Hello, Disappointed-

Here's my opinion of the guy who promises to go all-out for your birthday, and then never even calls: He's bad news. Lose him.

If the jerk calls again acting as if everything's okay (cute trick, by the way), let him know he's out of luck by firmly but gently telling him that you're no longer interested in hearing from him. Say goodbye and hang up. If he calls again, don't pick up the phone.

As for the guy who won't let you visit him at home, you rightly concluded that he's not worth it. Best case scenario: He's married. Worst case: He's got bodies buried in his basement.

Your best bet is to eliminate time-wasters as soon as you spot them. How do you spot them? Their words fail to match their actions. Or they make unreasonable demands like, "Don't call me at home."

Spot 'em. Eliminate 'em. Make room for someone better.

Let that be your motto.

Solo Travel Has Its Benefits

Many years ago today, I flew home from a solo trip to San Francisco.

The reason I'd gone in the first place was because I was in a job I hated and trying to get over a tortuous relationship that was going nowhere. On top of that, I'd fallen out with my best friend and roommate and had moved back home with my parents (yeah, I know it's sad).

But the four days I spent in San Francisco by myself gave me a new perspective on my life. I made some decisions. I came home, took a U-turn out of the dead-end relationship. I managed to get a decent promotion from my crappy job. I looked up some friends I'd been neglecting and concentrated on having fun. Shortly before I left for San Francisco, I made a vow not to date until I met someone worth dating. After I got home, I kept it.

Two months later, I met someone worth dating. We went out for three monhs, but he wasn't the person I wanted to marry. I broke up with him gently. A month after that, I started dating someone I thought I might want to marry.

And two years later, I married him.

Relationships Give Her Hives

Hi Terry,

Every time I date a man for more than a year I break out in hives. Not just a few, but enough to have the doctor put me on Valium and Hydroxzine. I do not know what causes this, but as soon as I break up with the guy I am fine.

What is causing this?

If any of your readers can help me, I would appreciate it.

-D.

Dear D.-

Well, my guess would be that you have a serious aversion to long-term relationships, but I'm just a girl who used to get freaked out by long-term relationships, so maybe I'm projecting.

Did the doctor who prescribed the medication offer any insight?

There are many therapies available to those of us who suffer from fears and phobias, ranging from psychotherapy to hypnosis to EFT (for more information about EFT, a technique that helped me overcome insomnia and anxiety attacks, click here). My best advice is to research them and invest in the services of a licensed practitioner who can help you resolve this problem.

Since you asked for readers' perspectives, I'll invite them to leave a comment here.

Thanks for writing and good luck.

Terry

Same Man, Different Body

Terry,

I love your advice and sensational blog and feel lucky to have attracted this site into my(almost)daily life.

Could you give your opinion on the man that is emotionally distant. I come across this guy a lot..and I was married to one for 15 years...great father & husband..things fantastic..until there was any sort of conflict...where he was unable to express how he was feeling..and stonewalled. I felt not listened to.

This can be the communication style of an introvert, and not necessarily an uncaring guy...but difficult to deal with constructively or to promote ongoing intimacy. I seem to attract these types of men.

How to deal.....?

-Sian

Hello, Sian-

Thanks for the kind words. I truly appreciate them.

I, too, used to attract the same kind of guy again and again, and I came to the conclusion there was one major payoff for this:

I knew exactly what to expect from these men.

This isn't to say that I liked attracting the same kind of guy over and over. In fact, it was really quite painful. But it was a pain I was used to, as opposed to risking some other pain I had no experience with. It was a matter of "the devil you know is better than the one you don't," I guess.

And you're right. Some men are introverted instead of uncaring, but being in a day-to-day situation with someone who can't -- or won't--express his feelings is a serious pain in the neck.

Attracting guys who stonewall or are emotionally distant seems to happen to those of us who grew up in homes where certain things were not discussed or were supposed to be taken for granted ("Of course I love you. I gave birth to you, didn't I?" or, "Of course I like the dinner. I'm eating it, aren't I?").

I'm not a psychologist, but I've heard psychologists say that women tend to attract men with similar traits to their father's. Same goes for men. They attract women like their mothers. More important, they're attracted to these people.

And I've seen it over and over again. I heard Pam Anderson, a woman who has suffered several tough marriages, say on TV recently that she attributes her relationship issues to "Daddy Drama," or something to that effect.

I changed my own pattern of attracting the same guy over and over by very consciously and methodically picturing and feeling myself with the type of man who was exactly the opposite: A man who communicated his likes and dislikes, who complimented me, who loved me and let me know it through his words and actions. A man who liked and respected women. A man who knew how to have a good laugh.

I did this by writing out very specifically on paper what I wanted and bringing it to life in my imagination. It was not easy at first, but each time I tried it did get easier. The details began to fill themselves in. It helped me to listen to music that got me going while I put myself in an imaginary scene with a man who embodied the qualities I wanted.

If you try this, you'll find you're reprogramming your subconscious, convincing it that not only are you capable of such a relationship, but that you're already in one. And then, when that person who shows up who "fits the bill," not only will he feel familiar to you, you'll find the relationship takes off without a lot of drama.

Now, if at any point you find yourself bored or turned off by this communicative individual you're bringing to life in your imagination, stop and ask yourself why. A good friend of mine, for example, found men who were capable of showing real emotion (i.e., crying) repellent.

If this is true of you, ask yourself what turns you off about a man who cries (or raves about the way you dress or grow vegetables or deliver a joke). Do you harbor the belief that real men should be strong and silent? What's the payoff for that belief? And what is the cost (maybe you're stuck with a man who can be hardhearted and oblivious to your feelings, as well as his own)?

If you face your fears about waking up every morning to a man who likes to talk and laugh with you, who is willing to resolve a disagreement by facing it head on, who isn't afraid to make you the center of his life, who wraps you in his arms when you come home to him at night, you can overcome those fears. Even better, you can attract that kind of man.

Are You Riding Someone Else's Rollercoaster?

Has this ever happened to you?

You became emotionally invested in somebody else's plan. They had an idea, got you excited about it, and then suddenly changed course and dropped it.

It's happened to me.

It happened with a man I dated ("Let's get married!" And then, a month later, "I'm not ready to get married.") It happened at work ("We're going to build a new department and make you head of it," and then two months later, "Um, we're sorry. It's not in the budget.")

Here's another scenario: You make your shoulder available to a friend whose husband mistreats her. You're angry about the situation. You think about it when you're in the shower. And then she announces she's leaving him. You're thrilled. You go out for a drink to celebrate.

You're glad you made time for her. You're delighted you're going to see her happy for a change.

And then she calls you to tell you she's back with the almost-ex. He's sorry. They've worked things out. As a matter of fact, they're going away for a romantic weekend. And besides, she doesn't want to be single again.

You hang up the phone, feeling like you've been slammed to the cement. And you have been. Because you have been riding someone else's roller coaster.

This expression, "riding someone else's rollercoaster," is not mine. It's what my friend, Ronnie Ann Ryan, dating coach and author of Manifesting Mr. Right, says you're doing when you allow your life to be taken over by someone else's emotional drama.

Now, it's important to be supportive and a good friend, employee, girlfriend. Definitely. If a friend is stuck in an abusive marriage, it's important to do what you can to help.

But once she indicates she won't be helped, it's time to back away. You can't make her leave her husband. It's time to focus on your life for a change.

Same with the yay-marriage/nay-marriage guy. At some point, you can't let his emotional struggle take over your life. You have to make yourself available for other people and other opportunities.

And when your boss pulls the rug from under you, it could be time to get your resume together and start looking for a better boss.

One of my biggest weaknesses used to be not recognizing when to walk away from an unwinnable situation and letting it shipwreck my happiness. I've gotten much better at it.

When you find yourself riding someone else's rollercoaster, disembark immediately. Then get on a better ride: Your own.

A Guy's Take on Getting Married

And it's a good one. I especially like the bit about who's cleaning the toilets.

The guy may be a "Dumb Little Man," but he sure isn't stupid.

Does He Love Her?

Hi, Terry-

I need your advice. Do you think I'm desperate when I'm saying now I'm mature, and I want a steady relationship, have a child and get married?

The problem is I don't think my boyfriend is ready. He's always busy at work, doesn't call or calls only when he feels the need to do so. Do you think he loves me? Please help.

-Needing Clarification

Hello, Clarification-

Here's the good news: You know what you want, and it does not make you desperate.

Let's look at it this way: When you get up in the morning, you may say to yourself, "I want a cup of coffee."

You know what you want, and you get it. You probably don't go to the coffee counter and ask for a glass of tomato juice. So the first step in getting what you want is knowing what you want. Sounds simple, eh?

But here's where it gets complicated: You say you're ready to get married, but you're pinning your hopes on some guy who doesn't even call you half the time. The guy is a glass of tomato juice.

I don't know if he loves you, but it seems to me there are more attentive men in the world, and you would do well to set your sights on one of them. Getting married and being married is fun only if you're doing it with the right person. A person who is too busy at work or only calls when it suits him may very well not be that person.

Having a child will exact physical, emotional, and mental demands on you, and you deserve a hands-on partner who's not going to treat the kid as some sort of a hobby he gets around to in free moments.

Congratulations to you on discovering that you are ready for marriage and children. Please write out exactly what qualities you'd like in the man who decides to join you on this journey. This way, you'll recognize him when you see him.

Most important, don't tell yourself that convincing your current boyfriend to marry you is your only hope for love and happiness. Continue to see him if you must, but definitely keep your eyes peeled for much better opportunities.

Is This Guy for Real?

Dear Terry:

I've been seeing a 33-year-old man who has a demanding job on Wall Street. He's everything I ever wanted. He's tall and handsome, confident, makes a lot of money, makes me laugh, and says he is so attracted to me. (He says this a lot. Sometimes he says he can't believe how attracted he is to me.)

As for me, he's like my kryptonite. I lay eyes on him and go weak at the knees.

Once or twice a week when he isn't traveling (he travels for his job several times a month), he comes to my apartment for dinner. Says I'm a great cook, which thrills me to no end. I can put together a gourmet meal out of scraps from the refrigerator.

The problem is, we always spend time at my place. Even though he lives near me, I have never, ever been invited to his. Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner, I made a joke to see if he'd invite me to his house or at least indicate why I haven't been there.

(Just so you know: He is NOT married. I went to school with his sisters.)

He changed the subject immediately. A day or two later, he came back and asked me to accompany him on a business trip to Cincinnati. It sounded all very romantic, until I got there and found myself spending most of the day by myself (I walked around and discovered that Cincinnati is full of the same chain stores selling the same junk as the stores in New York. Oh, boy!)

Nights were spent waiting for him to get back from dinner with someone or other. I went out for Chinese by myself one night. I ordered room service the next and hung around all night in this little box of a room fiddling with a TV remote (that was tethered to the wall), only to end up watching Sex & the City reruns I've already seen 16 times.

I came close to crying, but I stopped myself. I didn't want to be a baby about it. After all, the guy was on a business trip and had to work.

Would like your perspective on this, Terry. I am crazy about this guy. I want to marry him. He seems crazy about me, but the thing that bothers me most is that he won't let me in his house.

Do you think I'm overreacting?

-On the Doorstep
-------------------------------

Dear Doorstep-

Overreacting? Not exactly.

I think a better question would be, "Why do you automatically assume you're overreacting when you're frustrated that your boyfriend won't let you near his house?"

If a man is in good emotional health and is truly interested in you, he tends to want you to see where he lives. Unless, of course, it's infested with killer bees.

Okay, he's handsome and works on Wall Street. I get the attraction. But how great is his job? Why does his company put him up in hotels that chain remote controls to the wall, for instance?

In my experience companies tend to put employees in hotels that cater to business travelers, not in $99/night family specials.

Something's not quite right here.

Now, about your cooking. Does this man ever take you out to dinner? If you're providing all the meals, he's taking advantage of you. Also, the adage "The way to a man's heart is through is stomach" is not always true.

Sometimes you just get a guy who wants a free meal and somebody to listen to his problems.

This bit in your letter really got me: "Once, while I was cleaning up after dinner..."

Forgive me while I go "all Terry" on you, but if you cook for the man, the least he can do is clean up, as in lift dish, bring to sink, turn on faucet, wash, rinse, dry, put away.

You cook. He cleans. He cooks. You clean.

A relationship is give and take, and I don't see this man doing anything other than taking. I wish I had the magic words to make you forget about him.

So far, you've provided everything for him, and he's doing precious little for you. He took you on a trip his company paid for. He won't let you into his house.

You deserve better than this.

The next time he calls, tell him you're busy but can meet him somewhere for an hour. Suggest a restaurant. See what he says. If he gives you a hard time, get rid of him.

If he meets you for the meal, let him pay, thank him and say goodnight (keep it to an hour; don't let all wobbly and take him back to your house).

Then, the next time he calls, tell him you'll meet him at HIS house.

If he gives you a hard time, tell him you've developed serious reservations about getting any more involved with a person who doesn't want you in his living space.

After all, this is your life we're talking about.

-Terry

Jon Stewart on John Edwards.

The Daily Show puts a formerly revered politician's "mistake" in perspective: