Thursday, October 02, 2008

What Do His Mixed Signals Mean?

Dear Terry:

I met this guy online some months back. And since the day we've met, there hasn't been a day he hasn't messaged me. It could be about nothing, but his intention I believe is to have me remember that he is there or to keep me on a string.

We had a rather physical relationship early in our relationship. It was then we had to confront issues we were not ready to confront. I wanted to know where we were heading (mistake!!) and the obvious response was that he was not ready for a relationship and he mumbled about how work takes priorty.

A few weeks after that, he talked about his ex-girlfriend wanting to get back together, and he says he still has feelings for her.

After all this has been said to me, I tried to keep my distance. I like the guy ..yes.. but I will never initiate a phone message, call or a date. He still consistently calls, messages and ask me out regularly.

What I found odd, was that many times when I am out with him, he would have his colleagues, old buddies showing up joining us for activities. I really enjoy the company, but what puzzles me is his overt displays of affection with me in their presence.

While we are in the presence of his friends and colleagues, it seems that he wants the others to know that we are an "item" - but yes, he has no interest to talk to me about a commitment, especially with his ex-girlfrend in the background of all this!

His colleagues and friends sees me so often that they might think we are an "item' and are starting to get comfortable with me...

I am confused that I am getting a lot of mixed signals.

My Questions are:

- If he doesn't like me, would he take me out to meet his friends and colleagues (with the physical affections)?

- If he doesn't like me, would he message everyday and see me at least twice a week (strangely never on weekends - perhaps its our traveling schedule)

-If he "likes" me and "respects" me, would he make me drop him and his friends off at some girlie bar to celebrate one of the boy's departure to another city?

(Do you think making me drive them there was disrepectful, or was it just honesty on his part knowing that it only a boy's night out, and I should not think too much about it...)

-What do you think?

Dear Think:

I have a question for you: When Prince Charming made you drop him and his friends off at the girlie bar, did he offer to pay for gas?

And now I'll tell you what I think: I think this man thinks about himself. I think he likes his friends to see him with you because it makes him look good. I think he messages you constantly because he does indeed want to keep you on the string.

You mention that he invites his friends along whenever you're supposed to be on a date, and then he lavishes you with affection. This is strange behavior. He should be lavishing you with affection while he's staring into your eyes over dinner for two, not over a game of pool with his buddies.

One thing that stood out about your letter (and I've changed it because it drove me crazy) is that you do not capitalize the "I" pronoun. You are an "I," not an "i," and I wonder if you in your heart of hearts believe you are an "i," and you let other treat you as such.

You are an "I!"

Forget about whether Mr. Frenetic Text Messager respects you or likes you. Ask yourself whether someone much more important respects you and likes you, and I mean YOU!

If you loved yourself the way you should love yourself, believe me, you wouldn't give a guy like this the time of day, let alone drive him and his pals to a strip club.


And don't get me started on the specter of the alluring ex-girlfriend. Let the guy do you a favor and go back to her (if she even exists). This person is not worth your time. You would be better off gorging yourself every weekend on silly People magazines than wasting another minute with him.

You say that you refuse to initiate contact with him. Good for you. But why are you agreeing to go out with him at all?

Please, please, please put a higher value on yourself. Women who value themselves do not date men like the one you describe. You must raise your standards.

This man's behavior is nothing short of appalling, and you deserve better. Ultimately, you won't find a man who's capable of it until you believe that.


Vegetarianqt said...

This is great advice! I completely agree. Believe me, when a guy really wants to be with you, he will prioritize you above his work.

I'm not saying he doesn't like you at all, I'm just saying these are his priorities:

2.Looking good in front of his friends
4.Ex-Girlfriend (if she's real)

I'm sorry to say that you aren't on the top of his list. The kind of guy you want to be with prioritizes you. Settle for MORE. You deserve it.

Anonymous said...


I'm on the internet dating circuit. I have started to become disillusioned with the men I have been meeting..until last night...I met a guy who was gorgeous..the coffee date turned into us talking for hours and ended with a pretty passionate kiss at my car, before I headed for home alone.

He asked to see me again tonight..he realised that it was short notice, and that he would phone to organise what we would do tonight. I agreed.

Awoke this morning to a text message that he sent at 8 am, informing me that he had enjoyed our chat, but he was no longer available for tonight.

I have not responded..and don't intend to. He's lost my interest.
What perplexes me is the opinion of my female friends, who say they would give him another chance..they feel I am being too hard on him.

What are your thoughts Terry and how would you respond if he were to contact me again ?


Stella said...

Great advice! You're definitely worth more. The moment you realize it, the men around you will have no choice but to show more respect toward you, or get out of the way.