Wednesday, September 10, 2008

How Often Should a Man Call?

Terry-

How often should a guy call in the begining...after 1 or 2 dates?
How would I know if it is getting to be serious? Should I ask him our 4th date?

-Just wondering


Dear Wondering-

I wouldn't start counting calls after one or two dates. If he calls, and you like him, make plans to go out. After one or two dates, you should be getting to know him, not pinning your hopes on marrying or "getting serious" with him.

I definitely would not ask a guy his intentions on the fourth date. It's possible he's still doing what you should be doing; i.e., getting to know an attractive new person.

You can pretty much tell that someone has decided to take things to the next level when he calls to get together as often as possible (as opposed to merely texting you or calling to vent about his day). The man will leave little doubt in your mind that he wants to be in your company.

He will communicate his affection for you clearly. If he starts thinking about commitment, believe me, he'll let you know. He won't risk letting you think he doesn't care and losing you!

In the meantime, keep your options open. Keep dating. Meet new people. Who knows? You might meet someone you like even better than this guy.

Yes!

So, instead of focusing on the frequency of his phone calls and how soon you can get him to commit to you, sit back and decide whether or not he's truly the kind of person you want to spend your time with. Worry less about what he thinks about you and more about what you think about him.

Besides, if he picks up the vibe that you're focused on landing some man, rather than getting to know and perhaps developing a real and lasting affection for him, you very well may send him screeching in the other direction.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Does the "calling ritual" change if the man has a full plate? (deaths, family illness, and depressed friends)

Terry said...

Keep this in mind:

When in doubt, treat a man as you would have him treat you, and if he's not treating you as you would treat him, it's time to reconsider the relationship.

At the end of the day, everybody needs a friend. If a guy you've been seeing is going through a tough time, absolutely check in on him.

Ask him how he's doing. Tell him you're available if he wants to talk. After you hang up, wait and see if he takes you up on it.

The calling ritual, as far as I'm concerned, is give and take. For example, if he says he'll call, let him call. If you say you'll call, call. Then let him call next time.

(Some women call and call and call. They confuse a series of text messages with a relationship. This is a mistake.)

Be willing to care, but you have to be willing to let the guy show you he cares, too.

The writer of the letter to which I responded wants to pursue a commitment on the fourth date. I wouldn't want anybody asking me for a commitment on the fourth date.

Whether a guy or a girl does the asking on a fourth date, it's usually too early. I mean, how well do you know a person on a fourth date? For all you know, the person may harbor repellent political views (or worse).

I'd definitely progress with a "this is fun, but let's wait and see how it goes" attitude.

If I led you to believe that the man should always be in the driver's seat, I'm sorry.

That's definitely not my philosophy!

Elizabeth said...

Just wanted to say you have excellent advice. This is exactly what I'd tell a friend, and when I'm in the position, I quickly forget logic, so I'm glad I read this and was brought back to reality.

Thanks. :)